a: a nervous wreck!
Haha that's my new favorite joke :)
Ok but all kidding aside, this post is pretty much all about my poop.
I am not feeling so good tonight. I am having some, um, elimination issues that are really worrysome. Things are not really moving along. It makes me a bit anxious to be eating breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, snack....you get the picture, yet not see anything coming out the "other end" for about five days now. It makes me wonder "where did it all go? Is it stuck in there somewhere?". I used a duclolax suppository last night with meager results, and today I have been pooping blood. Sorry to be gross, but I am wayyy stressed about this and writing about it helps. Well, it is a bit more blood than just the usual bleeding hemrrhoid. My husband even took a look and was a bit alarmed. We decided that he would google this time, so we could figure out if I needed to see a doctor right away, and I wouldn't get sucked into researching all the possible causes of the bleeding or diseases I might have. We decided I need to see the doctor but it wasnt urgent so I didn't have to go to the ER tonight. I feel happy about this, because the last thing I want to do is go the the ER again so soon, especially to have strangers look at my but. *shudder* But I don't want Dr. Sean to look at my butt, either. Maybe I can ask for a female DR or something. Also, since Dr. Sean was managing my psych meds for over a year, we have spent so much time just talking and it feels like we have a different kind of relationship than just the clinical physician-patient relationship. It would be like if you had to show your psychiatrist your bare nether-region.......no thanks!
Ok so if you are still reading and now totally grossed out I will end on a positive note. I was reading back to my posts from this time last year and was amazed at how far I have come ED-wise. This time last year I was at a healthy weight but still stuck in a cycle of bingeing and purging, and also struggling with purging "normal meals". When I was reading these posts I really remembered what it felt like, the ordeal of purging, the physical drain. The icky feeling of knowing you "did it again", even though you promised yourself that you wouldn't. I just felt so powerless and ashamed, feeling like "I want recovery, so why do I keep doing this? What's wrong with me?".
So I guess what I am trying to say is, I know I am struggling quite a bit with anxiety at the moment, but look at what I have overcome! It feels so good not to be in that place anymore. I have kind of been taking it for granted but reading these posts just reminded me of how awful it was and how nice it is to be free of the bingeing and purging.
I know there are lots of different opinions on spiritual healing, and it is not my intention to preach to you. But I just have to say that I KNOW that God healed me from the bulimia. I don't know why he chose that particular time, because I have prayed for healing on and off for years. All I know is, I was completely out of control, and about this time last year (or maybe it was Feb) I began praying in earnest for the Lord to heal me, and He did. I think in the past I have been skeptical that God would heal me, and I would get irritated when people suggested I pray. I just didn't think it would be that simple. Also, I had tried it before. But about this time last year I was on the phone with my dad and telling him about my struggle and he REALLY TOLD ME (and I put this in caps because he was like preaching to me on the phone) that I needed to pray and believe the God would heal me. Something about the way he said this to me, or maybe because he was my dad, made me believe, and I began to pray and believe I could be healed. And one day, I realized that it had been nearly a week without purging and I barely noticed. And the barely noticing was the miracle. Usually, just going a day without purging was a white-knuckled struggle, a hard-won victory that left me exhausted. So to go several days without purging, without even the urge, was amazing! It was like the desire to purge was just lifted!
I purged only a few times last spring, and actually puged blood, which was quite scary. It also told me that God was giving me this chance, and I should not throw it away. The last time I purged was an isolated incident over the summer.
I don't write alot about my faith in Christ. I guess I don't want to offend people who don't believe in God. But it has been on my mind alot lately, and I want to let people know that I give full credit to God for healing me and am truly greatful to Him! I don't want to be ashamed of my faith, which means so much to me.
Wow, this post has really ended up somewhere different than where it started out. I'm glad, though.
Judgement and Regrets
6 days ago