Today I just feel....blah. Tired. A little down. I'm doing ok with my ED recovery. I'm not restricting or purging. Mostly, I am struggling with my body image. I put on alot of (unneccesary) weight this winter and I am just feeling really sluggish and unfit. And its not like I can diet, you know? I have identified a few things I can change that would help, like drinking more water and getting some form of physical activity on a regular basis. It's been hard to move from the contemplative stage to the ACTION stage, though. The truth is, I really like sitting on the couch and drinking diet Coke! Sigh. I'm doing so well. I'm doing so well. I'm doing so well. But the truth is, sometimes I wish I wasnt doing so well. Sometimes I really miss being sick. Don't worry, I'm still totally anti-ED pro-recovery. I am still really proud of myself for how good I am doing, and I am excited about my future. But sometimes I get scared, and I want to go back to what is comfortable. I'm excited about school, and getting a job, and being involved with NAMI, and all of the possibilities that are opening up now that I dont have to spend all my time and energy fighting the ED. But its also all so new and unknown. I know how to be sick. I know how to be in crisis. I'm experienced in it. Without the ED I feel...naked? Unsure? Alone? I keep going because I have faith that this will change. Eventually, health will feel normal and comfortable for me. It's just hard right now.

Aha! She CAN learn new things!

coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I am in heaven. It is so rare that I get to enjoy a cup of coffee in my own home. When Chris and I stayed in a hotel last week, I swiped the coffee packet that goes in the room's little coffee maker. So this morning, I heated some water and steeped the coffee packet in it, like a teabag. And now I am sitting on the couch with a nice hot mug of black deliciousness. Ahhhh! Someday I will have a coffee maker.....someday......

I tried to register for a CNA training program today, and was met with quite a bit of frustration. Turns out I need to get a TB test and flu shot and background check BEFORE I can register! Maybe this is common knowledge for the rest of you, but I tend to exist outside the realm of reality. SO anyways, I had to print out a bunch of forms and I have to go see Dr. Sean today and get a TB test and flu shot and stuff. That works out ok, thought, because I wanted to see him today anyway. I am worried I have cirrosis of the liver.

YES I have been googling symptoms again. Sue me.

P.S. I have been thinking about doing a video post on my blog. What do you think?

update

I havent posted in awhile beacause my life has been crazy busy. My girls were off school last week, I had two parent-teacher conferences, appointments for me and Emma, and my mom came to visit for a few days. Also I went to a mother/daughter sleepover at my church friday night and didnt sleep ALL NIGHT!

But the biggest thing going on has been getting ready for my sister's baby shower. I was collaberating with my sister's sister-in law on it. I have been kind of obsessing on making it perfect, running from store to store for weeks trying to find the perfect little things to make it special, worrying over the menu, ect.. Anyways, Saturday I had to prep most of the food and make the cake, on NO sleep. It was brutal. My wonderful husband Chris helped me so much. He matchsticked so many vegetables for the spring rolls that he actually got a blister!

Here is a bouquet of flowers I made using baby hats and baby washclothes. I learned how to do it on the internet.

Here is the shower cake. It is supposed to look like a onesie. It was my first time using fondant and I was really worried about it, but it turned out nice. The shower colors were pink, green, and black.

This shower was really important to me. I wasnt a very good sister in our early adult years. I was so sick, in and out of the hospital, consumed by my ED and barely functional. When she had my niece (who is now 11) someone else did the baby shower. When she got married I was the maid of honor, but basically all I did was show up. I didnt throw the shower or organise the bachelor party. In fact, I almost didn't make the wedding because I was committed to ED treatment at UIHC (but I escaped, so it was all good). I was supposed to be house and dog sitting for her durring her honeymoon, but was hospitalised with low potassium and had to call her in Hawaii and she and to find someone else. Sister FAIL!

We have grown apart, but I really want my sister to know that I want a better relationship with her and I care about her and stuff. I think she had a great time at the shower and we stayed at her house and got to hang out and talk and it went really well. So I am hopefull that I am on the road to redeeming myself. Time will tell.

just a quick post

Hey. I just wanted to say thank you for the support on my last post. I am doing better.

When I get upset my emotions get REALLY intense. It's like I can go from 0 to 100 in an instant. It is uncomfortable to be in such emotional distress, but I think that I have made progress, because I can tolerate it without acting on any of the self-harm urges or doing anything else crazy or impulsive.

I haven't had alot of time to read or comment on blogs the past few days because of some stuff going on at home. Emma, my 9 year old, is really struggling with anxiety and depression and I have been worrying about her and trying to focus more on her (and our family in general). Not that I am neglecting myself. I know I have to take care of myself so I can be healthy and take care of my family. I am just trying to find a balance.

For example, I have decided to start driving Emma to school instead of having her take the bus. This way she can get a few minutes more sleep and hopefully have a more relaxed start to her day. But it also means that I actually have to get up and function in the morning, which means I have to try to go to bed earlier at night. This is hard for me, because night time is my "me time", when I usually check blogs and stuff. I could still do this as soon as the kids went to bed, but that would mean that I would be totally neglecting my husband. Sigh. It seems like everyone wants a piece of me! It's so hard for me to carve out a little time for myself.....

I am thinking about going back to weekly therapy. I had cut back to every other week, but things have been kind of stressful. Besides my depression and anxiety, I am having trouble with my marriage and worrying about Emma. I think I need at LEAST an hour a week to deal with all of this.

Sorry I am so whiny right now. I am just SO GRUMPY! Getting up early makes me grumpy.


p.s. sorry about the swear in the previous post. I was just going throught some really intense emotions. I know that not many people are offended by swearing these days, but if you were, I apologise.