Today I just feel....blah. Tired. A little down. I'm doing ok with my ED recovery. I'm not restricting or purging. Mostly, I am struggling with my body image. I put on alot of (unneccesary) weight this winter and I am just feeling really sluggish and unfit. And its not like I can diet, you know? I have identified a few things I can change that would help, like drinking more water and getting some form of physical activity on a regular basis. It's been hard to move from the contemplative stage to the ACTION stage, though. The truth is, I really like sitting on the couch and drinking diet Coke! Sigh. I'm doing so well. I'm doing so well. I'm doing so well. But the truth is, sometimes I wish I wasnt doing so well. Sometimes I really miss being sick. Don't worry, I'm still totally anti-ED pro-recovery. I am still really proud of myself for how good I am doing, and I am excited about my future. But sometimes I get scared, and I want to go back to what is comfortable. I'm excited about school, and getting a job, and being involved with NAMI, and all of the possibilities that are opening up now that I dont have to spend all my time and energy fighting the ED. But its also all so new and unknown. I know how to be sick. I know how to be in crisis. I'm experienced in it. Without the ED I feel...naked? Unsure? Alone? I keep going because I have faith that this will change. Eventually, health will feel normal and comfortable for me. It's just hard right now.
I'm turning 31 next week but somedays I feel like I'm 14, other days it seems like I'm 80. I'm married to Chris, and have two wonderfull girls. Emma is 8, and Anne is 3. I have been fighting anorexia and bulimia for 19 years. I also struggle with treatment-resistant depression.
Each day is a fight, to make it through the day, to be a good mom and wife, to love myself. This blog makes it a little easier