Sunday, March 27, 2011

Today I just feel....blah. Tired. A little down. I'm doing ok with my ED recovery. I'm not restricting or purging. Mostly, I am struggling with my body image. I put on alot of (unneccesary) weight this winter and I am just feeling really sluggish and unfit. And its not like I can diet, you know? I have identified a few things I can change that would help, like drinking more water and getting some form of physical activity on a regular basis. It's been hard to move from the contemplative stage to the ACTION stage, though. The truth is, I really like sitting on the couch and drinking diet Coke! Sigh. I'm doing so well. I'm doing so well. I'm doing so well. But the truth is, sometimes I wish I wasnt doing so well. Sometimes I really miss being sick. Don't worry, I'm still totally anti-ED pro-recovery. I am still really proud of myself for how good I am doing, and I am excited about my future. But sometimes I get scared, and I want to go back to what is comfortable. I'm excited about school, and getting a job, and being involved with NAMI, and all of the possibilities that are opening up now that I dont have to spend all my time and energy fighting the ED. But its also all so new and unknown. I know how to be sick. I know how to be in crisis. I'm experienced in it. Without the ED I feel...naked? Unsure? Alone? I keep going because I have faith that this will change. Eventually, health will feel normal and comfortable for me. It's just hard right now.


Zena said...

all I can say is I hear you,, I need to remind myself several times a day ED is not worth it, I am emotional a mess, but physical health I have for the most part, and really its a struggle every day...but your doing it, every day, in and out despite how awkward it feels, Im so proud of you, you really inspire me ((hugs)) today and every hard day that comes along.

love Tara

agoraphob said...

I hear ya, too. It is hard, but it is exciting at the same time. To move forward in life. Eating disorders were so five years ago. LOL, jk. I know what it is like to struggle with body image crap too. Sucks, but just think, people will respect you for maintaining recovery (I do), and you will inspire people along the way as well (me).

Hang in there.

Keely said...

Oh man. It totally know what you mean. As much as I'm happy that I'm not in ED anymore, I miss what it gave me and I still feel unsure of myself. Keep up the great work Lisa. You are doing awesome- even though I know it is 100 times harder than staying sick.

P.S- I've gained "winter weight" too. I need to get involved in regular activity as well. When I go on walks at Liberty Park, I'll think of you. :) Maybe we can chat over the phone while we walk. :)

battleinmind said...

"sometimes I wish I wasnt doing so well. Sometimes I really miss being sick" This sums up how I feel so much. THANK YOU for writing it, I never really know how to put it, but you've written it perfectly :)

love Olivia
ps Just given you an award on my blog.

karo said...

Very well said. I related to everything you mentioned. I am a freaking THERAPIST now and I STIll miss ED at times....especially when I am feeling sluggish and tired. It is really hard to move on after spending so much time and energy on ED. "Real life" is much harder. It is easier to just be sick...sucky, but easier. Hang in there. You will get used to the healthy life and then the idea of being sick will feel strange.

I Hate to Weight said...

i love sitting on the couch with a diet coke too.

faith is the very most important thing. with faith, all is possible.

(not so) teenage drama queen said...

it's great to know that i'm not the only girl with similar dramas that come along!

Your blog puts my life into perspective a LOT more! :)

You seem to be lovely, funny, and an amazing person! good luck in your blogging :) Check mine out too for some slighly funny light relief!