I start CNA (certified nurse aide) training on Saturday. It will be every Saturday from 8-4:30 until mid August. Suck!
So, I got my textbook the other day and already I see a problem developing. Every time I open the book I see some gross picture that makes me gag! Like a gnarly bedsore, or a cutaway diagram of the CNA sticking her/his finger up someones butt in search of a turd (deimpacting). I can barely read about this stuff- how am I ever going to do this!? Well, we'll see, I guess. On the upside, I did get a cute purplish-pinkish stethescope that I cant wait to play with....
Ok, subject change.
I restricted last week, for two days. Durring these two days I was...
1.couldn't stop thinking about food and counting calories
2.was in a general daze and had brain fog
3.felt really guilty
4.didnt really lose any weight
Sounds like fun, right?
SO I started eating again, and probably overate to make up for the days I didnt eat much. It seems to me I could have just skipped the whole thing and come out the same.. Still, this experience has given me something to think about.
For one thing, the guilt is new. I never used to feel guily about restricting. I think the difference is, now I have a choice, and I know it. There was a time in my ED that I didnt have a choice. I firmly believe that, and so does my T. Otherwise I would have gotten better a long time ago. I wished for a change, but continued in my ED because I didn't know how to stop. I was entrenched in the illness and couldn't see a way out. Well, now that I HAVE found my way out of that hole, I feel that stepping back into it by my own choice would be just....wrong. It would be like throwing away all the hard work and the struggle I have done to get to this place. It would be like a big "eff you!" to all the people who have been there for me, and without who's support I wouldn't be there today. Hence the guilt.
Sometimes I think I a little guilt is a good thing.
5 months ago