Thursday, May 5, 2011

insert title here

I start CNA (certified nurse aide) training on Saturday. It will be every Saturday from 8-4:30 until mid August. Suck!
So, I got my textbook the other day and already I see a problem developing. Every time I open the book I see some gross picture that makes me gag! Like a gnarly bedsore, or a cutaway diagram of the CNA sticking her/his finger up someones butt in search of a turd (deimpacting). I can barely read about this stuff- how am I ever going to do this!? Well, we'll see, I guess. On the upside, I did get a cute purplish-pinkish stethescope that I cant wait to play with....


Ok, subject change.

I restricted last week, for two days. Durring these two days I was...
  1.hungry
  2.shaky
  3.weak
  4.cranky
  5.depressed
  6.hungry

and I...

  1.couldn't stop thinking about food and counting calories
  2.was in a general daze and had brain fog
  3.felt really guilty
  4.didnt really lose any weight

Sounds like fun, right?
Haha, not.

SO I started eating again, and probably overate to make up for the days I didnt eat much. It seems to me I could have just skipped the whole thing and come out the same.. Still, this experience has given me something to think about.

For one thing, the guilt is new. I never used to feel guily about restricting. I think the difference is, now I have a choice, and I know it. There was a time in my ED that I didnt have a choice. I firmly believe that, and so does my T. Otherwise I would have gotten better a long time ago. I wished for a change, but continued in my ED because I didn't know how to stop. I was entrenched in the illness and couldn't see a way out. Well, now that I HAVE found my way out of that hole, I feel that stepping back into it by my own choice would be just....wrong. It would be like throwing away all the hard work and the struggle I have done to get to this place. It would be like a big "eff you!" to all the people who have been there for me, and without who's support I wouldn't be there today. Hence the guilt.

Sometimes I think I a little guilt is a good thing.

6 comments:

battleinmind said...

Oooohhh exciting stuff with the CNA! I am starting a childrens nurse degree in September and all the gorey stuff is worrying me too! Let's hope we grow a tad more resistant.

I'm so happy that you were able to get out of the restriction phase. Great step lovely. I feel a little trapped in my restriction at the moment.
Love Battle
xxx

Haley said...

I totally agree! It's so weird because before recovery you don't realize how harmful starving yourself is, but afterwards it's almost impossible to do that to yourself! And it's such a good thing that we have the guilt and this knowledge, you're right.
Just keep reminding yourself of all the progress you have made and how happy and free you are now compared to before.
I hope your CNA training goes well! Just don't pay too much attention to the pictures ;)
<3

I Hate to Weight said...

i do believe that gratitude and thinking of others helps immensely.

i'll go into restriction mode every once in a while and you're right, i just think about food all the time.

was there anything in particular going on with you during those two days when you restricted?

good luck with school. i am incredibly squeamish; however, i help out with an older gentleman and with him, i'll do just about anything, because i see that he's helpless and i really care.

i have a feeling that when you're with a patient/client, you'll be able to do anything. just as you did with your children, who were not able to take care of themselves

kris said...

Isn't it crazy how something that we did EVERYDAY before sets off alarms in our mind if we try to attempt it now?! That's a good thing though! Way to hang in there and beat down the ED thoughts.

Also, I'm soo excited to hear that you're training to be a CNA!! If I were a patient and had you as a CNA, I'm almost positive I'd be lucky and it's always nice to have a good nurse/doctor/other healthcare worker. It sounds like it will require some nasty stuff -- but I imagine you get used to it and that it's probably better to do it and get it over with than to have to look at pictures of it. (I'm taking microbio right now and the pictures of the symptoms of various infections are NASTY!! so I can commiserate with you when it comes to gross pictures etc.)

Anyhow, glad to hear things are going well this week :)

Nobody Girl said...

it probably felt horrible, but like you said, it is one step forward! its exciting to hear that you were able to pull yourself out of it. that shows a lot of strength!

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