Ok, 8 days later and I am STILL hiding in my room....not good. I have never been one of those people who takes to their bed when they get depressed (although I have logged a fair amount of couch time) but lately my bed seems to be the only place I want to be. I get home from work, go to bed, the girls come home and I ask about their day and then go back to bed. Get up, get up, serve dinner, back to bed. I go lay down again after I put Annie to bed at 7:30, and I generally stay there until it is my actual bedtime. I will get up, wash my face, take my meds, and go back to bed. That's about 7 hours spent in bed in addition to sleeping overnight. If I am not working I usually have therapy at 10:00, then I will run some errands and do housework, and get back in bed around 1:30.
I am still trying to decide for myself if this a problem. I DO know that I am spending eccessive amounts of time in bad and that is not healthy. But it seems lately that the only time I feel safe and ok is in bed. I also think I am depressed again (still). I have been crying randomly and that is a pretty good sign. I have been thinking about giving Chris the keys back to the box 'o danger (locked box containing prescription pills and my revolver), but I just got them back like 2 weeks ago! Maybe I am just stubborn and prideful, but it is just humiliating to admit that maybe I am not safe with them again. It feels like a failure. Maybe I will talk with Scott about it in therapy tomorrow. I am also going to call Dr. Sean tomorrow to let him know I am feeling this way again.
*in case anyone reads this and wants to freak out about the gun and call the police and/or child services I want to be clear about something :I would NEVER hurt anyone else with the gun or anything else. EVER. Never even considered it. I am only referring to fears about self harm as I sometimes struggle with suicidal thoughts. I DO NOT pose a risk to ANYONE other than myself. Given today's climate I thought I should point that out.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago