ok, so now i have this blog and i'm not really sure what to do with it. these are the questions facing me : should i let anyone read it? if so, who? would anyone want to read it? how candid should i be? these are pretty good questions consinerind im not in the best place mentally right now and if i vented my true feelings it might be triggering as hell for anyone in recovery. let me explain...
ive had anorexia and bulimia since i was 16 (well, eating disorder thoughts and behaviors since i was 13). it wasnt until i had my first daughter seven years ago that i really decided to try to get better, and i have been in and out of recovery ever since. sadly, i have been hospitalized 19 times ( nine times for eating disorder, 10 for anxiety and depression ) and have not been able to attend college, hold a job, or really lead a normal and fulfilling life. i have been on social sec
urity since 2000.
grrr! already this is depressing me. when i step back and read this sad little history of mine i think it makes me sound like a real loser and a whiner!
ok, back to it. I have been married since jan 2004 to christopher and i have two wonderful daughters. emma is 7 and annie is 2. i have been trying so hard to pull away from the role of "sickie" and step into the role of wife and mom, but evil ED (eating disorder) keeps pulling me back. even as i write this i am sipping a 44 0z diet dew instead of eating lunch. whyyyyy?! what the hell is wrong with me? maybe all the artificial sweeteners i have consumed have finally given me brain damage. i want to be a good mom. i want to be a good wife. i want to be a contributiong member of society. having ED around doesnt mesh with any of these things.
part of whats going on is that i am just SO uncomfortable right now at my "target weight". i was in treatment at the university of iowa hospitals and clinics eating disorder program (evil prison)
last spring and per usual they jacked my weight up to the absolute max. for sure, higher that my target at the center for change (awesome treatment center in orem, utah), and higher than what i would consider healthy and normal. i have been maintaining all summer under the watchful eye of michelle (satan), and her henchman , jen. that is another story that i am not sure i want to relate just yet. or ever. anyway, i can feel the intensity of their observation start to wane and summer is giving way to fall (which is a hard time for me anyway) and none of my cold weather clothes fit and i just need a change and something to look forward to like that feeling you get when you step on the scale and your'e down a few and dammit cant i lose weight and still be healthy and a great mom and wife and all those things why cant i have it all! i feel like im living in ths parallel universe, where being "good" and healthy feels rotten and uncomfortable. hey- isnt it supposed to be the other way around?
ok, now that i sound like a ranting raving nutball, let me take you through my day so you can see that i really am sane and functinal. i get up at 7 am when my husband leaves for school. the girls are usually already up and i get them dressed and get them breakfast and make sure emma is all ready for school. then annie and i walk emma out to the bus. after emma is off, its just me and annie. if it is a wed or a thurs i take annie to my mother in law's so i can go to aa (a whole other story) and therapy. if it is a mon or fri i usually take annie to the library- annie is ADDICTED to books and i like the 25 cent magazines. if we dont go to the library we are running errands like the grocery store or wal-mart. then we go home and have lunch. annie goes down for a nap around noon and sleeps til about 3 if im lucky. chris comes home briefly for lunch. this is one of the highlights of my day. while annie is napping i usually read, play on the computer, watch cooking shows, do housework. when annie gets up we play around for awhile and then it is time to meet emma at the bus stop. usually emma has one of her little friends from our apartment over to play, or she goes to their apartment and annie and i are left to amuse ourselves. on tues we have dinner way early cause emma has swim class at 5:30. annie and i are in a mother/baby swim class at this time which i hate, but annie LOVES it so i suck it up. the rest of the time we have dinner at 6:30, when chris gets home. then emma does her homework and then its time for the girl's baths. then its bedtime, which involves me lying in bed with annie and singing her 6 lullabys in a certain order and then reading a chapter of little house on the prairie to emma. then its ME TIME ! well, this is not as exciting as it sounds. usually, chris and i just watch something from netflix then go to bed. currently we are watching the first season of flight of the conchords, which is very funny. anyway, i am usually in bed by 9:30.
well, there you have it. my day. what seems to be missing is TIME WITH FRIENDS. this is because i left most of them behind when i was gutwrenchingly ripped from from my home in wonderful salt lake city while still in a post-hospital drug haze and transplanted roughly back in waterloo, ia. the armpit of the midwest. but no, im not bitter about how that all went down. not at all. because it was all for my own good. hmm. anyway, i have managed to make 2 friends here. jude, mom to emmas little friend ava, lives downstairs from me. she is really cool and easy to talk to and has lots of good stories. she usually has good advice, since she has been in the world longer than me. she is also very assertive, which is a trait that i am tryingg to cultivate. then there is my neighbor amanda, who is more or less my age and has a CUTE little boy named noah who is about the same age as annie. we get the kids together for playdates and then sit and chat and whatnot. amanda is sweet and sincere and also a very devoted christian. i have been talking to her alot about spiritual matters as i am struggling with my own religion (i may write more about that later). so those are my friends. i have lots of aquaintences through church and also lots of inlaws, but but i feel like most of these people judge me and i dont really feel comfortab le around them.
hmm, i have written alot today and feel the need to take a break. maybe i will write more later.
Judgement and Regrets
6 days ago