Hmm, I think I will just do a bit of an update.
I plan to answer Keely's request for a story about one of my misadventures, but I think that will be a post of it's own. Actually, I first want to answer Nobody Girl's question about how I was able to stop shoplifting.
The short answer is: I got busted. Before I got busted, I shoplifted nearly every time I went to the store. At first it was just for the thrill of it, the high of getting away with it. Sometimes I shoplifted clothes and purses, but usually it was trinkets. Something small enough to fit in my hand or up my sleeve. I kept my "collection" on my dresser: crystals, tiny boxes made of seashells, little figurines. I also like to steal costume jewelry. So like I said, it was for the high at first, but after awhile it became like a compulsion.
I remember the first time I realized this. I was eating with my family at a restraunt in the Amanas (quaint historic villiages in Iowa). There was a gift shop at the restraunt and we were all going to look in it. It was full of little souvenier and trinkets and things. As soon as I stepped in there I felt scared. there was like this elecricity buzzing all over my body. You know the term "itchy fingers"? I definately had itchy fingers. I was overwhelmed being around all that stuff and I felt I had to take something. I just kept thinking "no, I dont want to do this with my family here" and I put my hands in my pockets to try to calm them down. the urge to take someting was overwhelming and I ended up leaving the gift shop because I knew if I stayed in there any longer I would break. Thats when I knew it was a problem. Anyways, I eventually got busted.
It was horrible. It was like all the guilt that I didn't feel all those times I stole decended on me all at once. My feeling of invincibility was gone, poof! I didn't get into any real trouble because I was a teen. I shoplifted a few times after that, but it wasnt fun anymore. Instead of a high, there was a sick feeling of guilt and fear. So anyways, that's how it ended.
Ok, update: I am struggling REALLY hard with body image. I have been having lots of ED thoughts lately but am fighting them. Every time I get close to turning back to my eating disorder, something (God) steps in and saves me. For example: Last night before bed I was looking for my prom picture to show Emma. I was sitting on the floor on one side of the bed, and Chris was on the floor on the other side, saying his evening prayer. As I was looking through pictures I came across one from when I was really sick. I just stared at it and I swear it started to hypnotize me. I just kept thinking "I want to be that thin again. I want to look like that. I want to be thin. I want to be thin. I will be thin." and I started thinking about losing weight and making plans in my head and fantasizing about restricting, ect. Then all of a sudden it was like the ED fog in my head cleared and I could look down and see myself from a bird's eye view: Chris on his side of the bed praying and me on my side staring at that picture and I was like "Wow. Look what I am worshiping. Look what I am holding up as my idol. This is SO not where I want to be". I prayed to God, thanking Him for showing me myself in that moment. I also prayed honestly, aknowleging to Him that in many ways I still want the eating disorder, and asking Him to take that desire from me, and to love recovery more.
Ok, this is getting really long so I"ll finish up with the update:
I am all registered for CNA classes and start on the 7th of may.
Chris is having a hard time in school and is taking cymbalta.
I applied for a job (maybe more about that later).
It was warm here but now it is cold again (sucky Iowa weather).
My sister is having her baby next week.
I still feel lost and inadequate most of the time.
Thanks for being there :) XOLisa
Judgement and Regrets
1 month ago