Saturday, April 16, 2011

update, shoplifting, stuff

Hmm, I think I will just do a bit of an update.
I plan to answer Keely's request for a story about one of my misadventures, but I think that will be a post of it's own. Actually, I first want to answer Nobody Girl's question about how I was able to stop shoplifting.

The short answer is: I got busted. Before I got busted, I shoplifted nearly every time I went to the store. At first it was just for the thrill of it, the high of getting away with it. Sometimes I shoplifted clothes and purses, but usually it was trinkets. Something small enough to fit in my hand or up my sleeve. I kept my "collection" on my dresser: crystals, tiny boxes made of seashells, little figurines. I also like to steal costume jewelry. So like I said, it was for the high at first, but after awhile it became like a compulsion.
 I remember the first time I realized this. I was eating with my family at a restraunt in the Amanas (quaint historic villiages in Iowa). There was a gift shop at the restraunt and we were all going to look in it. It was full of little souvenier and trinkets and things. As soon as I stepped in there I felt scared. there was like this elecricity buzzing all over my body. You know the term "itchy fingers"? I definately had itchy fingers. I was overwhelmed being around all that stuff and I felt I had to take something. I just kept thinking "no, I dont want to do this with my family here" and I put my hands in my pockets to try to calm them down. the urge to take someting was overwhelming and I ended up leaving the gift shop because I knew if I stayed in there any longer I would break. Thats when I knew it was a problem. Anyways, I eventually got busted.
 It was horrible. It was like all the guilt that I didn't feel all those times I stole decended on me all at once. My feeling of invincibility was gone, poof! I didn't get into any real trouble because I was a teen. I shoplifted a few times after that, but it wasnt fun anymore. Instead of a high, there was a sick feeling of guilt and fear. So anyways, that's how it ended.

 Ok, update: I am struggling REALLY hard with body image. I have been having lots of ED thoughts lately but am fighting them. Every time I get close to turning back to my eating disorder, something (God) steps in and saves me. For example: Last night before bed I was looking for my prom picture to show Emma. I was sitting on the floor on one side of the bed, and Chris was on the floor on the other side, saying his evening prayer. As I was looking through pictures I came across one from when I was really sick. I just stared at it and I swear it started to hypnotize me. I just kept thinking "I want to be that thin again. I want to look like that. I want to be thin. I want to be thin. I will be thin." and I started thinking about losing weight and making plans in my head and fantasizing about restricting, ect. Then all of a sudden it was like the ED fog in my head cleared and I could look down and see myself from a bird's eye view: Chris on his side of the bed praying and me on my side staring at that picture and I was like "Wow. Look what I am worshiping. Look what I am holding up as my idol. This is SO not where I want to be". I prayed to God, thanking Him for showing me myself in that moment. I also prayed honestly, aknowleging to Him that in many ways I still want the eating disorder, and asking Him to take that desire from me, and to love recovery more.

 Ok, this is getting really long so I"ll finish up with the update:
 I am all registered for CNA classes and start on the 7th of may.
 Chris is having a hard time in school and is taking cymbalta.
 I applied for a job (maybe more about that later).
 It was warm here but now it is cold again (sucky Iowa weather).
My sister is having her baby next week.
 I still feel lost and inadequate most of the time.

 Thanks for being there :) XOLisa


I Hate to Weight said...

wow, what a great job you did, coping with those pictures. this is really inspirational. i got such a visual of you, the pictures, Chris... i know what you mean about idolizing Ed.

The CNA seems to be the career right now. Great choice!

i just got thru a crappy spell, and it is hard to remember that they pass. but they do.

hang in there. hugs, melissa

Angela said...

Yes, that was a good job dealing with those pictures. I have to be careful about looking at pictures of when I was my thinnest - I still get these overwhelming urges and think, "I could be that thin again; I want to be that thin again." And sometimes the urges are so hard to fight off still, after everything.

Hope things get better for you.


Keely said...

I want to see your prom pic. :) I don't have any pictures from when I was sick except for Kirsi's wedding but Kirsi has all of them. I don't like reminiscing about that time because I felt so crappy. In a way, I'm thankful for that. I don't see the thinness, I feel the feelings I felt before.

I think I wrote this before, but I loved being a CNA. I have considered picking up some extra shifts but with school and everything I would just go crazy.

School has been going...terribly. I am really behind again and stressed with finals coming up. (nooo!) Math has been the hardest.

I miss you!!! Today was the first warm day all year. Kirsi has two chickens and she just got bees today and is expecting 64 lbs of honey this year if all goes well. :) The chickens are very friendly and love to be cuddled. :)

bananas said...

Cut yourself some slack, missy. You're doing great. Stay on the path. You don't want to go back to old behaviors.

Looking at pictures is hard. I find myself looking at mine and I get so upset that I don't look like that anymore. It's hard--so hard! I try not to do it but definitely get caught up in it sometimes.

Sairs said...

Good for you in being able to turn the ED thoghts around. That is so so hard to do in that moment. I just wanted to say I am proud of you and I'm thinking of you. Be kind to yourself :)

Nobody Girl said...

Thanks for your response to my question. I guess I was wondering because I'm also at the point where it's no longer fun. wEll, it stopped being fun about two years ago. I got caught once when I was 18. I got caught a second time last September. Much more serious this time since it was a repeat offense and it was a lot more stuff. I'm doing better with it now, but it still happens every once in a while. though, thank god not every single time. I'm glad you were able to stop. It's just another addiction.

On a brighter note, happy to hear about winning one more battle with your ED. That is awesome. :)

Haley said...

Thanks for sharing your story about shoplifting.. I took it up recently and had the same "itchy fingers" feeling you did.. I only did it for the high. And it definitely is a compulsion :/
But I am glad that you were able to get over it! I haven't done it in a while, so hopefully I can, too. Pray for me, please.

And I'm so glad that you were able to take a step back after thinking that you wanted to be thin to realize that the way you looked before was unhealthy and ED IS a form of idolatry in the highest. God should be the only thing that important in our lives, followed by family and loved ones.

You are doing so well, though! I will be praying for you. <3

kris said...

I'm sorry to be so late to leave a comment, but I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling with body image. Sometimes, I have a day where I just feel ugly or big or whatever too. I don't think that gloomy weather or stress help with that -- and if your weather's been at all like ours lately you've got that going plus you sound super-busy!

I think you did a great job dealing with pictures though. It's funny, but I think it's always easier to see our true size in pictures than in the mirror -- so looking at a picture from a low weight is almost surprising sometimes. But all that aside, you did what was right. I love when you get those little reminders of what is right too -- just like how you saw Chris praying right at that moment.

I hope that your week has been good so far... oh, and good luck with all the CNA stuff!! I'm excited for you and hope you like it :)