randoms

I apologise for the lack of postage. I'm ok, jut been super busy. I hope you all had a great Easter! In case anyone is wondering, I did NOT actually buy the Gangsta Bunny. Who would actually get one of those for their children?

Have any of you seen the movie "Idiocracy"? When I see stuff like this Gangsta Bunny, it reminds me of that movie. Our society is truly going down the crapper.

I saw the movie "Black Swan last night, and I must say I did not like it. I found it to be gross and creepy and weird. I fast forwarded through all the sex stuff  because it was waaaay to graphic for me. *shivers*

My Emma ordered her caterpillars from a butterfly kit I got her for Christmas (it has finally been warm enough for them to be shipped). After a week of watching them crawl around they all climbed to the top of the jar and formed chrysallis's. They did it so fast, too! One minute we would look at them and they would be catterpillars, and then an hour later they were completely coccooned! It was pretty neat and we cant wait for them to hatch (should be a few weeks).

My daughter Emma's therapist is leaving the clinic. She signed a "no compete" contract so she could not tell us where she would be moving to, but she did say that she would not be to hard to find if I wanted to look for her (wink wink) and that she would still be taking title 19. So that narrows it down to about three agencies in the area where she could be working. I think I would rather have Emma continue seeing her as opposed to starting with someone new, and she said she would like to continue working with Emma. Emma's last appointment with her is next week, and then it will be time for me to pick up the phone and track her down.

Why do therapists move? Why do they have personal lives? Therapists should never move or get sick or go on vacation or take maternity leave. In short, a therapist should have no life and live at their office and return your call/email within 3 minutes and always have an opening the minute you need them.
Ok, ok, I am totally joking. I guess if that were the case, we would never have to "use our skills" or practice "crisis management" or ask our support people for help ect. For me, most of the work of recovery has taken place outside of the therapist's office. That is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak.

Oh well, thats about it for today.

XOLisa

Gangsta' Bunny!

 Gangsta Bunny, complete with gold chain, oversized hoodie, and baggy pants.

 And yes, lets not forget the gang sign. Represent!

 Gangsta Bunny gettin' payyed, yo!

 Hangin wit his peeps.

 Yo, dat aint mine!

 Yeah, right. Look at those eyes and tell me you aint been smokin' the easter grass.

"18 years, 18 years, she got you for 18 years......"

update, shoplifting, stuff

Hmm, I think I will just do a bit of an update.
I plan to answer Keely's request for a story about one of my misadventures, but I think that will be a post of it's own. Actually, I first want to answer Nobody Girl's question about how I was able to stop shoplifting.

The short answer is: I got busted. Before I got busted, I shoplifted nearly every time I went to the store. At first it was just for the thrill of it, the high of getting away with it. Sometimes I shoplifted clothes and purses, but usually it was trinkets. Something small enough to fit in my hand or up my sleeve. I kept my "collection" on my dresser: crystals, tiny boxes made of seashells, little figurines. I also like to steal costume jewelry. So like I said, it was for the high at first, but after awhile it became like a compulsion.
 I remember the first time I realized this. I was eating with my family at a restraunt in the Amanas (quaint historic villiages in Iowa). There was a gift shop at the restraunt and we were all going to look in it. It was full of little souvenier and trinkets and things. As soon as I stepped in there I felt scared. there was like this elecricity buzzing all over my body. You know the term "itchy fingers"? I definately had itchy fingers. I was overwhelmed being around all that stuff and I felt I had to take something. I just kept thinking "no, I dont want to do this with my family here" and I put my hands in my pockets to try to calm them down. the urge to take someting was overwhelming and I ended up leaving the gift shop because I knew if I stayed in there any longer I would break. Thats when I knew it was a problem. Anyways, I eventually got busted.
 It was horrible. It was like all the guilt that I didn't feel all those times I stole decended on me all at once. My feeling of invincibility was gone, poof! I didn't get into any real trouble because I was a teen. I shoplifted a few times after that, but it wasnt fun anymore. Instead of a high, there was a sick feeling of guilt and fear. So anyways, that's how it ended.

 Ok, update: I am struggling REALLY hard with body image. I have been having lots of ED thoughts lately but am fighting them. Every time I get close to turning back to my eating disorder, something (God) steps in and saves me. For example: Last night before bed I was looking for my prom picture to show Emma. I was sitting on the floor on one side of the bed, and Chris was on the floor on the other side, saying his evening prayer. As I was looking through pictures I came across one from when I was really sick. I just stared at it and I swear it started to hypnotize me. I just kept thinking "I want to be that thin again. I want to look like that. I want to be thin. I want to be thin. I will be thin." and I started thinking about losing weight and making plans in my head and fantasizing about restricting, ect. Then all of a sudden it was like the ED fog in my head cleared and I could look down and see myself from a bird's eye view: Chris on his side of the bed praying and me on my side staring at that picture and I was like "Wow. Look what I am worshiping. Look what I am holding up as my idol. This is SO not where I want to be". I prayed to God, thanking Him for showing me myself in that moment. I also prayed honestly, aknowleging to Him that in many ways I still want the eating disorder, and asking Him to take that desire from me, and to love recovery more.

 Ok, this is getting really long so I"ll finish up with the update:
 I am all registered for CNA classes and start on the 7th of may.
 Chris is having a hard time in school and is taking cymbalta.
 I applied for a job (maybe more about that later).
 It was warm here but now it is cold again (sucky Iowa weather).
My sister is having her baby next week.
 I still feel lost and inadequate most of the time.

 Thanks for being there :) XOLisa

blocked

Sorry I haven't posted for a bit. I am ok, just suffering from some serious writer's block. If anyone has ideas about what I should blog about I would love to hear them. Or if anyone has a question they want to ask? Anyone? Now's your chance!

Award, yo! (edit: when I hit "publish", all my lists were condensed into one long paragraph and I cant figure out how to fix it. Any ideas?)

ok so I got an award from the lovely blogger who writes "Battle in Mind", see here for details because I couldn't figure out how to copy and paste the award to my page : hmmm, it turns out I cant post a link either. I'm so lame. Anyways, BIM is on my blogroll, check it out!!!! The award is called "Versatile Blogger Award", and you have to thank the person who gave it to you (THANK YOU!!!!!), list 7 things about yourself that people might not know, and pass the award on to 5 people. So here is my list:

1. I used to be a compulsive shoplifter.

2. When I was a kid I was obsessed with running away to live in the woods.

3. I really REALLY want to visit New York City in the fall. I have never been there.

4. I LOVE frogs, and I have a collection of frog statues and things that I have been accumulating since I was a kid.

5. My favorite book is Watership Down.

6. I am anti-milk (for reasons other than food allergies or ED). Comment if you want to hear my anti-milk rant.

7. My ED started with a book I read. Isn't that ridiculous? Maybe I should write a post about it.

I pass this award on to:

My homegirl Bananas!!!

Soft Spoken Girl !

Kris (blue flower Kris, who's blog I really need to put up there on my blogroll)!

Jules from Flawed Design!

Liz from The Only Easy Day Was Yesterday!

P.S. I tried to post a vlog the other day and it would not load..grrrrr! I have been in Waterloo the last few days at a WRAP training, when I feel up to it I will post about that because I think it is a great tool for recovery that everyone should know about!!