stress!

I AM SO STRESSED OUT! It's my evil ex. Zlatko the terrible strikes again. Well, heres the deal: he gets Emma every weekend, which is ok with me because she loves her dad and wants to see him. But when she comes home and i ask her how her weekend was, she only talks about things she did with her aunt and cousins, which makes me suspicious. Also, she usually comes home on sunday night at 8pm she is usually hungry and tells me she didnt have dinner! This happened last week. Well, up until now i have said nothing to him because i am kind of afraid of making him mad, but i haave had it. Emma told me last night that she is sad cause when she goes with her dad he just drops her off at his aunts house and leaves. She said she spends bolth friday and saturday nights there, and it makes her sad because she wants to be whith her dad. She said she had her aunt call him one time cause she wanted him to come pick her up, and he said he would come but he didnt. They had to call him a second time to get him to come. This made me sad for her and angry! I mean, i would like to be with her on the weekends. If hes not even going to spend time with her i might as well keep her home! So anyway, i called him and talked to him about it in a really kind, non-threatening way and he said thaat he would spend the time with her from now on. I also told him not to be mad at her for saying something. i hope he listens to me! Emma needs to be able to ask for what she needs without being afraid of getting in trouble.
So, that was the other day. TODAY i ran into Mirella, Zlatko's recently ex'd wife, at walmart. We got to talking about Zlatko, trading war stories and what-not, and she told me some things that i really did not want to hear. Like, that he WAS plotting to take custody from me last spring when i was in treatment. See, Margo, i wasnt just being paranoid! Mirella said that was his plan all along, and the only reason he didnt do it was because she put her foot down and wouldnt go along with it and he knew he wouldnt have a good chance in court if his wife wasnt on board. Mirella also thinks that that was the main reason her married her and brought her over from Bosnia, so he would have a wife at home to take care of emma so he could take custody. she also said that when emma was at their house, she was the one that took care of her and he was always at the bar or off with his friends. That makes sense to me now, that since mirella left him, now he just drops emma off at his aunts house. Oh- and mirella said that she heard that he is planning to go to to bosnia again to marry another woman and bring her back. Great. So now im worried that he is going to take me to court when we move to ames. AAARRRGH! Ok- as im writing this im listening to emma play with annie and sakina in her room. Annie hit sakina on accident and emma said " dont worry, sometimes when my dad hits me i get a red mark on my cheek but it goes away". SHIT SHIT SHIT! So i just called her out here and asked her if her dad hits her alot and she said not any more, which is consistent with what she told her therapist. But i dont even want it to be part of her vernacular. What a bastard! I hate him! I want him to GO GO GO AWAY! I have so much stress right now before all this stuff got brought up! Im feeling very sick to my stomach right now and have for most of the day, which isnt helping the eating situation. But i CANT GET SICK again cause now i know what zlatko would do! I feel like i cant crack or show ANY signs of weakness!
So, im going to try to be brave and talk to him about this tonight. Just say that when she is whith him i expect HIM to be the one taking care of her, tucking her in at night, being there when she wakes up, feeding her meals, not smoking around her, and im going to reiterate that he is NOT to hit her! So wish me luck.

Spilled MyGuts

Ok, so on Thursday i DID end up calling my therapist to see if he could sqeeeze me in, and he did. I agonized all day about whether or not i should tell him about the weight loss and restricting and was quite nervous but in the end i guess i didnt have to worry about this because apparrently it was obvious. What i mean is, the first thing Cory said when he saw me is "You look thinner! Are you thinner?". He said this with a big smile on his face, like he was congratulating me or something. Weird. Maybe he was just trying to be nonthreatening or something. Anyway, i just brushed it off with a smooooth change of subject cause i still wasnt sure i wanted to talk about it. I started telling him about how ive been feeling closed off from my husband and drawn into my mind most of the time. We started talking about how it might have to do with my religious struggle that im having. Then he started talking about love and how to love someone well you have to be honest with them. That was when i said "well i havent exactly been honest with chris about, um, food stuff lately". Then cory sat right up in his chair and i could hear him thinking "jackpot!". So he very casually starts asking me questions and he wants to know EVERYTHING, like what do i eat in a typical day and have i lost weight and stuff like that. And i tell him the truth, but the whole time ED is just SCREAMING in my ear, things like"stupid girl, shut up!" or "dont tell him, he'll just interfere" and "dont bust yourself". And then theres my personal favorite "its not like any of this is a big deal cause after all youre not underweight". But i was brave and i kept talking. Cause i dont want this to turn into a relapse; i dont want to get really sick again. ED derides me for asking for help before things get bad, but isnt that what im supposed to do? Anyway, cory said a bunch of things that were really helpful, unfortunately i cant remember any of it right now. My recall sucks! One thing we disagreed on- he thinks i should tell Chris whats going on, but i dont want to. Because im afraid he will make me stop. And im not ready to yet. At least not until im feeling safer emotionaly, which is something im going to work on with cory. And so it goes.....

Olestra rox my sox!

Seriously! How else can a girl get her snack on and stay regular at the same time? Talk about killing two birds with one stone! A little eating disorderish, you say? I say: BRING IT! And pass the fat free Pringles while you're at it. Cause who needs vitamins A and K, anyway...

Annies a fish...and I'm a failure...

hmm.... i was all excited about this blog at first but seemed to have burned myself out in the first week. Well, that and there hasnt really been anything to report. I watched an interesting show on monkeys the other day...that was fun. Went to AA today...that was smokey! Annie drew on the wall, and now i have to go get a Magic Eraser. Other than that, not much has been going on. Emma has been home sick from school all week, but that is kind of borring to write about. Mostly we just sit around at home cause it is too cold to take a sick little girl out. I did get to go out last night to take annie to mom-baby swimming, which wasnt so bad cause i was excited just to get out of the house. She is doing really good! When we first started going, she wouldnt put her head under the water and just clung tight to me like she was afraid. Now she puts her head under, and if i support her stomach with my hand she kicks her feet and moves her arms like shes doing strokes. I am so proud of her! Ok-so heres the bad: I weighed myself at the Y and i lost quite a bit. At first i thought the scale was broke, so i used the other one they had and it said the same thing. I have kind of been in denial and not weighing myself was a way for me to go on believing that im ok and everything is fine. I guess now i have evidence that things are not going so well. Its hard, though. i just dont want to deal with some of the things that are going on in my life and particularly my marriage. Its easier to focus on what i amm going to eat and not eat. Of course i know this is all bs but that is how i feel right now. What i really need to do is talk more to my therapist and possibly ask him if i can see him every week instead of evey other week. of course, than i would have to admit that i am not this super-recovery-superstar-perfect-patient that everone thinks i am. or at least i thik everyone thinks i am! Hmmm....what to do. More later...

re foodstamps and crablegs

um, am a little bit embarassed about previous post re food stamps. I feel i must explain, lest anyone think i am a full-on welfare princess. we just get the food stamps and medical, but thats it. Mostly, we live on lovely student loans and my social security. See, my husband is in school full-time, studying to be an engineer. So, we figure that even though we need some assistance now, he will get a good job when he graduates and pay taxes for the rest of forever and that will more than pay for what we are using now. Plus, theres all the taxes he paid all those years he was making sweet moolah working as a jeweler. So, we dont feel guilty. not much. And i do try to be responsible with the food stamps. But come on- its not my fault they allow you to buy Diet Coke with them!
Oh, birthday update: Christopher and i did go to Red Lobster, and we had a lovely time. Except chris kept staring at me while i ate. It turns out he likes the way i dive into a pile of crablegs like a ravenous raccoon! He thinks its sexy. Riiiiggghht.

happy birthday to me!

I feel compelled to share this momentous occasion (me turning 30) with all of you (the two of you who actually read this)! So here goes...
I woke up this morning to find out that my children are still crazy. Me turning 30 hasn't caused THEM to mature any. Thats ok though. So, it was business as usual and i was having a pretty good birthday until i got ungifted by Victorias Secret. Let me explain. I had to return a bra which had been purchased in conjunction with another bra. The combined total price of the two bras had qualified me for a free gift, which i had gladly accepted. Now, since i was returning one of the bras, they wanted the gift back. Well, it makes sense to me on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level i was irritated. No, pissed! Nevermind that the gift in question was just a crappy messenger bag that i would probably never use and eventually donate to goodwill anyway! It's my birthday, damnit! I shoudnt be losing gifts!
Well, things got better when Chris came home for lunch with 2 dozen roses for me. What a sweetie! Oh, and my friend Amanda stopped by and gave me this really nice study Bible and a sweet card that almost made me cry. I opened my presents and got pretty much everything i asked for, which made me feel kind of guilty cause i really dont feel like i deserve half of it. I put on a big smile and didnt let it show, though. I am looking forward to tonight- Chris and i are going on a DATE! We are going to Red Lobster. Chris hates seafood, so the only time i get to go there is on my birthday. I am trying to calm the food fears for today and just relax and enjoy myself. I was reflecting earlier today on how many special occasions have been ruined or overshadowed by my eating disorder. I'm really trying to break that tradition. Well, thats all for now. i will write more later about the rest of my day.