How is it I am Depressed Again?

Ok, 8 days later and I am STILL hiding in my room....not good. I have never been one of those people who takes to their bed when they get depressed (although I have logged a fair amount of couch time) but lately my bed seems to be the only place I want to be. I get home from work, go to bed, the girls come home and I ask about their day and then go back to bed. Get up, get up, serve dinner, back to bed. I go lay down again after I put Annie to bed at 7:30, and I generally stay there until it is my actual bedtime. I will get up, wash my face, take my meds, and go back to bed. That's about 7 hours spent in bed in addition to sleeping overnight. If I am not working I usually have therapy at 10:00, then I will run some errands and do housework, and get back in bed around 1:30.

I am still trying to decide for myself if this a problem. I DO know that I am spending eccessive amounts of time in bad and that is not healthy. But it seems lately that the only time I feel safe and ok is in bed. I also think I am depressed again (still). I have been crying randomly and that is a pretty good sign. I have been thinking about giving Chris the keys back to the box 'o danger (locked box containing prescription pills and my revolver), but I just got them back like 2 weeks ago! Maybe I am just stubborn and prideful, but it is just humiliating to admit that maybe I am not safe with them again. It feels like a failure. Maybe I will talk with Scott about it in therapy tomorrow. I am also going to call Dr. Sean tomorrow to let him know I am feeling this way again.

XO
Lisa

*in case anyone reads this and wants to freak out about the gun and call the police and/or child services I want to be clear about something :I would NEVER hurt anyone else with the gun or anything else. EVER. Never even considered it. I am only referring to fears about self harm as I sometimes struggle with suicidal thoughts. I DO NOT pose a risk to ANYONE other than myself. Given today's climate I thought I should point that out.

spam

What is up with these stupid comments that I keep getting from like Asia and the Middle East and crap? The ones where they are trying to sell something? Anyone know how to NOT get those anymore?

In other news, I finally cleaned my side of the bedroom and made myself a little sanctuary there. I have candles and a water fountain, rocks and seashells, and one of those "zen gardens", you know, with the sand and the rake and stuff. I also planted a terrarium and it looks awesome! In case you haven't realized, I love nature and my relaxation spot has kind of a nature theme. I just love it!

The problem is, I go into my room and don't ever want to leave it. I want to stay in my little corner forever. Maybe I did too good of a job.

So Scott thinks that I might have something called Sensory Proccessing Disorder. I will write more about that later, but just let me say that I was reading about the symptoms/behaviors and it was like reading about myself. I am going to see Scott to talk about it more today. But here is something funny: Scott actually ASKED me to research it on the internet! If you have been reading my blog for awhile you will know why that is funny ;)

Peace out.

med changes

I didn't mention in my last post bad I have been in a pretty bad depression lately. Last December I was depressed and saw Dr. Sean and we decided to keep the wellbutrin, discontinue the Lexapro and start taking Viibryd instead. Viibryd is a newer drug that I haven't tried and it has an action that is a little different form the other SSRI's/SNRI's. And lets be honest, its pretty hard to find a depression med that I haven't already taken so I was all for givng it a shot. After titrating up to the reccomended dose I was actually feeling better (this was December and early January). Then my mood started dropping quite suddenly and I became really depressed for about a week and was also suicidal. I took steps to keep myself safe and let people know what was going on, and I also had a few extra appointments with Scott. I started feeling better and was good for about a week, but now 10 days ago or so I started getting really depressed again and was basically in the same situation: suicidal, Chris had to lock up my meds, had to get an extra appointment with Scott.  

     Scott told me that what he observed was that the viibryd wasnt working very well for me and that I should call Dr. Sean. I didn't really want to believe that the new drug wasnt helping and I just kept thinking that the sadness would pass, but over the weekend I was crying alot and feeling very suicidal so I did have to admit that things are not going well. I got in to see Dr. Sean today. Even though Dr. Sean told me that he would have liked to have seen a response to the Viibryd by now, he respected the fact that I didn't want to give up on it yet. But he was concerned and wanted me to make two changes. One was to increase my wellbutrin from 200mgs to 300mgs. I know that is still not a large dose and I am trying not to worry about it, but the increase is triggering my health anxiety and I am worrying about having a seizure.

 The other change Dr. Sean made was adding abilify, which I am very nervous about, but he is only trying it on me for a week and I will go back next week and we will go from there. I swore I would never take antipsychotics again. I hate the weight gain and the other side effects. I only agreed to try abilify because I haven't tried it yet and I have heard good things about it from other people. I have been on seroquel and risperdal before (seperatley and together) and I wasn't crazy about the way they made me feel, although the seroquel was great for stopping my anxious thoughts. The downside was that it made thinking and concentrating about almost anything pretty hard.

So that is where I am at right now. I will be starting the new dose of wellbutrin and the abilify tomorrow so we'll see.

long time no blog

I kind of sucked at blogging in 2012. I didn't post a lot, mostly because I didn't have much to say. Or maybe I just didn't feel like writing about it. I miss blogging, though. I miss getting things out on the page, and I miss the connections to everyone I have met on here.

Well like I mentioned earlier I had a short hospitalization last october for my depression. Shortly after that, Dr. Steenblock (my psychiatrist) decided that he wasn't comfortable treating me from an hour away. He felt that he wasn't accessible enough when I was in a crisis and he thought it was just too risky. I get his point, but it still stung. I really trusted Dr. Steenblock and he is about the best psychiatrist I have seen in years. He was so knowledgeable about everything I struggle with, and he also seemed to really care, which is important to me. Now I am back to seeing Dr. Sean (my PCP) for my psych meds. I know Dr. Sean, and I like him, so I guess its ok.

I also had to find a new therapist because of an insurance problem. That was hard because I had been seeing Kim for 2+ years and had worked through so much with her. When I talked to her about how I felt about something she didn't have to ask me why I felt that way, she just knew, because she knew me so well.

I am seeing a therapist named Scott now and it is going ok. It's hard to start over with someone new, to go through the whole history and start from scratch. Plus, I started seeing Scott shortly after I got out of the hospital and was still quite depressed, so I felt like I wanted him to be "up to speed" fairly quickly. He was very accommodating and saw me twice a week for awhile, until I felt that we had established a good rapport and I was feeling better about things in general. I find that starting over with someone new actually has some benefits. Scott brings a fresh perspective on things. He has also challenged my thinking a bit more and while that is sometimes difficult for me I think that i need to be challenged in that way. I really liked Kim, but I think that therapy with her had gotten a bit too relaxed and I need to be pushed a bit.

Another things that has changed is that I cut back on my hours at work. I am only working about 20 hours a week now and no more 7 day stretches! I might go back to full time at some point but I don't see it happening any time soon.

Lastly, I am getting a ton of spam comments! Does anyone know how to stop getting those? I think that I have word verification enabled but if you do leave a comment and it doesn't give you one of those funky words to copy to prove you are not a robot, will you let me me know?

XOLisa

Hope and Change

Gotcha! I bet you thought this was going to be a post about politics or the election or something. Nah
(well maybe the first paragraph is but the rest is politics-free, I promise!).

I have a friend who has different political opinions than me and sometimes we talk (argue) about stuff but I try to keep it light most of the time. I don't like getting in contentious disagreements over politics. My opinion is pretty much this: everyone has the right to their own convictions. The end.

So anyways, this morning the friend said to me "I don't see how you can vote for Romney when you live off the government!". Ouch.

I was stunned, hurt, and embarrassed (there were other people in the room). I said "I don't think I live off the government...I work....."

"You don't want to work...you told me you don't want to work", she said.

Well I was shocked by that. I don't remember saying that and if I did I am sure I was joking. Working and getting off of disability has been a goal of mine for awhile now. Nobody MADE me contact Vocational Rehabillitation to start the ball rolling. Nobody made me get training and find a job. Social Security wasn't kicking me off anytime soon. Bottom line: I do not have to work; I am choosing to work.

Work to me isn't just about a paycheck. It is about pushing myself to do something that for years I thought I would never be able to do. It is doing what several social workers and doctors told me I would likely never accomplish. It is about gaining self-confidence and self-respect, and feeling like I am being a good role model for my children. I believe in the value of working for what I have, but for much of my adult life my mental illness had kept me from living this value.

I have been working almost a year and I still sometimes wake up and think to myself "hey, I'm working! I'm actually doing it" and it feels so unreal, but in a good way. It feels so good that hear my family and people who have known me a long time tell me how far I have come and how proud they are of me. Its not a feeling I have experienced much in my life (which is so wrong...when people are afflicted with cancer or MS people gather around them and cheer them on and run races for them and shit. When you have mental illness you are just a big dissappointment. Whatever).

Anyways, back to this morning. I am sad to say that at the moment I was too upset and humiliated to come up with a good defense. About the best I could do was try not to cry until I found a quiet place, alone. As I cried, my mind went to that negative place that it so often goes to when I am hurt or upset. Thoughts were running through my mind....."fuck this, just fucking quit already.....why even try...this is how people will always see you.....this is who you will always be....you are just kidding yourself to think that you can change....that you HAVE changed....you are still the same worthless loser and everyone can see it and everyone thinks so...blah blah blah". I think that my friend's comment hit me harder because this is the first week of my reduced schedule. Basically I feel like my hospitalization last month was a wake up call to me that I was pushing myself too hard and not taking care of myself. I felt terrible to ask to cut back to part time because we are really short staffed right now. But I would rather do that and preserve my ability to work than continue to push myself and risk another breakdown and a longer hospitalisation, which could result in a loss of my job. I am really sensitive that people at work think that I am lazy or just dont want to work. It is just the opposite. It has been a real blow to me to acknowledge that right now I am not well enough to work full time. Even though my family and my treatment team say I am making the right decision it feels like a failure.

Ok this is getting wordy. What I really want to say is that some times it is hard to believe that things will ever change. It is hard to keep that hope alive. It is hard when you sometimes feel like the whole world (and even your mind) is against you. It's is hard when you feel judged for what you lack rather than celebrated for what you have accomplished. But despite everything, I found a bit of hope today. I experienced shame, hurt, and anger. My mind was torn apart my the negative thoughts which in the past have led to me making self destructive choices. I experienced all of that but you know what? I let myself feel it, then I got up, pulled myself together, and went back to work. Such a simple thing, but such an accomplishment for me. So different than the way I might have reacted even a few years ago.

Such a change.


XOlisa

good times....

Today I found out that I am for losing both my therapist and my psychiatrist. THIS IS REALLY NOT A GOOD TIME FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!









*commence freakout in 3...2...1..............

setback

Sadly, my 2.3 year streak of not being hospitalised has come to an end. But on the positive side, this was a short stay, I still have my job, and I will get back on track.

On Monday my depression was really bad and I had tried several things to help myself feel better. I took the girls out to a park with bluffs and trees to see the fall colors. usually being out in nature can ease my depression a bit but by the time we got back I actually felt worse. I called a crisis line at my psychiatist's office and spoke with a therapist there. I am not going to get into it, just going to say that he was NOT helpful. The receptionist told my that my psychiatrist had an opening that evening, so I decided to go in, even though his office is an hour away. At my last appointment he had added a small dose of wellbutrin, with plans to increase it. I was hoping that after seeing him he would agree to up my dose.

That is not quite what happened. Dr. S was very concerned and said he wanted to walk me over to the emergency room at the hospital across the street. I totally freaked out...I did NOT want to go into the hospital and I had to work the next day. I was really worried that all my hard work would be ruined by a hospital stay. But the Dr. wouldnt really take no for an answer. Once we were at the ER he called my husband. I guess he told Chris that this was the worst he had ever seen me and he didnt feel comfortable with me going home. He put me on a 48 hour hold and I was checked into the er to wait until a psych bed was found. I spent the night in the ER and the next day two sheriff deputies drove me to a hospital about 2 hours away, which apparently had the closest psych bed. We have a shortage of psych beds here in Iowa and sometimes people have to go to the other side of the state for one. It really sucks.

Since I was so far away I didnt get any visitors, there wasn't anyone to bring me a change of clothes or anything like that. It didnt really matter because I slept most of the time, and hospital scrubs work just fine for that.

It wasnt too bad. I talked to my boss and she assured me that my job was safe. My wellbutrin got increased so that is good. My 48 hour hold was up at 10:30 last night and I wanted to go home so they discharged me. I was suprised they would do that so late at night but I was glad that Chris could come get me and take me home. Today I have kind of felt like a zombie. I am still pretty depressed and wonder if I should have stayed in the hospital a few more days. But I dont feel suicidal, and I guess I can be depressed at home instead of in the hospital. At least here I have my own things.

I am really apprehensive about going back to work tomorrw. I think I will just feel akward. Also, tomorrow starts a 7 day stretch at work and I just dont know if I am up to it. I need to talk to them about not scheduling my for more that 5 days in a row. They are really short staffed but that is not my problem- I need to take care of myself before things get out of control and I cannot work at all, you know?

Well that is about it for now. Just trying to make it from moment to moment.