finding someone new

Dood. I need to find a therapist. Like, seriously.

Part of me was thinking I'm not "sick" enough to get a new therapist. Like I need to lose a bunch of weight first and then it will be obvious that I have issues ect.
Of course, i know this is BS.

I have enough issues to keep me on the couch for another 10 years, easy. I don't need to add relapse into the mix. And, wouldn't it be a good idea to be set up with someone so that in the event of a crisis or relapse I would already have someone I knew and trusted to help me deal with it? I think so. Yes, how very proactive of me.

Also, fall is traditionally a hard time of year for me. Most of my hospitalizations have been in either the fall or the spring. The change of seasons is difficult for me for some reason. I get all emotional and homesick and weird. So it's not like i'm planning on relapsing or anything, but if you fail to plan you plan to fail. I think I saw that on a poster somewhere or something.

Well, guess I better go get busy with the phone book...

new minivan, same old ED

We had a super great time at Adventureland! unfortunatly I'm a lamo and couldn't figure out how to take pictures with mt new phone so there are no pictures. Sorry.

We are still getting to know out new city. So far I like it tons better than Waterloo. Everywhere I go I see neat looking little shops and cafe's and I think "oh, I'll have to go there sometime".

Guess what? Someone in our church gave us a minivan! How cool is that, especially since my car just died!? They did it anonymously through the Bishop, so I don't know who it was. It's an older van, but it runs great and looks pretty nice, too. It is by far the nicest vehicle I have ever owned. I wrote a really lovely, heart-felt note of thanks to whoever gave it to us and gave it to the bishop to give to them. i just hope that whoever they are, they know what a blessing they have given us!

I had a few restrictive eating days, but am pretty much back to eating normally, but my mindset is still very ED. I am just having a really hard time with my body and I really want to lose weight blah blah blah. however, the days that I restricted were miserable! I don't really want to go back to that. I think i just want to go on one of those makeover shows where thay suck all the fat out of your body and give you a tummy tuck and straighten your teeth while they are at it. But of course that would not solve all my problems because then there is my brain, which will never be happy unless it has something to obsess over. Sigh.

hey y'all

just wanted to say that I have emerged on the other side of the big move with half a brain still rolling around in my noggin (i think). It has been somewhat trying and traumatic but Ames is lovely and our apartment is starting to feel like home.

Oh, when we were visiting Emma's new school yesterday my car broke down so I sold it on the spot to a salvage yard and we took a cab home. The good news is I am $75 richer! Too bad I had just filled up the tank with gas. Oh well....

And the big, great, wonderful news! Anne has not had an allergic reaction to the cat dander in the new apartment! So I am cautiously optimistic when I say that we will hopefully not have to move again. I was sooo worried about that.

We are going to Adventureland Park tomorrow! I am so excited about this (as excited as I get, given all the meds I am on). We haven't told the girls so it will be a suprise :).

Things on the ED front are, well, hmm, I don't really know how to describe it. Indulgence. I am indulging in restricting, which is really the opposite of indulging. But after only 2 days it feels compulsary. The old mindset is taking hold. You know, food is the enemy. That old song and dance. I am not enjoying this relapse, though. I forgot how crappy it feels to be starving. How cranky and impatient I am with everyone around me. How disconnected I feel from my family. The fatigue. It sucks.

Well, on that cheery note I will end because I am so tired. Tomorrow I will start to try to catch up on blog reading. Happy Tuesday everyone!

moving on out

well I will probably not be on here until at least friday cause tomorrow I start packing seriously and moving on friday. My landlords have given us this INSANE list of what all we have to clean and how exactly they want everything cleaned. Has anyone else ever had to remove part of the exhaust fan above the stove and soak it in soapy water as part of their move out cleaning? And then there is my personal favorite- wiping each slat of the miniblinds with a wet washcloth. And we have miniblinds in every room! These people are so anal! All I have to say is I had better get my deposit back!
Well best wishes to you all. See you on the other side!

holy poop!

If you have a weak stomach, this post is not for you.

Ok, so, I am basically just trying to make it through the day without freaking losing it so chris can stay at work. I decided to take the girls out to George Wyth, this nature park on the edge of town. It has a few lakes and playgounds.
So we got to the playground and we were there about 15 minutes when Annie comes running up to me and says "mommy I have to go potty". I look around and there is no bathroom in sight. In fact, I remembered that all of the bathrooms in the park were damaged in the floods and probably not open. I see a large bush halfway accross the field so we head for that. I choose a side that shields us from the road about 3/4 of the way, which is about as good as it's going to get, and help Annie get her pants down. I'm expecting her to pee, but nothing happens, and after a minute we head back to the playground.

5 minutes later Annie is back asking to go potty again, so it's back to the bush. This time after I pull down her pants she stays standing and I'm wondering what she's doing when all of a sudden her face turns red and she makes that noise. Uh-oh. I look up and there is the park ranger driving by, just in time to see Annie drop a massive deuce in the grass! Arrrgh!

Frantically I am wiping Annie's butt with grass and looking around for the ranger but he has moved on, thank goodness! I get her cleaned up as best I can and kind of push the turd under the bush with a leaf (gross) and we get back to the playground.

3 minutes later Annie is back. I get her back to the bush just in time to discover that this time we were too late. She has pooped in her undies. So I take her hand and we turn to go get Emma and I see that Emma is on her way to me.

"mom, i gotta take a dump"

Nice.

But since Emma is almost 8 years old she is NOT going to poo behind a bush in public, thankyouverymuch. She can hold it.

So its time to go home. We head to the car, the girls carrying their waterbottles, and me carrying Annie's undies wrapped in a leaf.

All I have to say is, my girls are regular!

:(

aarrgh I am so stressed out.... the move is really starting to get to me....all around me are boxes and boxes and messes and things that need doing...i spent all morning on the phone with credit card companies going through those stupid never ending phone menues just to change my address....i cant handle the chaos...i also suck at dealing with change...

also- the sh*t is hitting the fan with Emmas dad, or it is about to....she said he's asking her if she wants to live with HIM and see ME on the weekends....I don't know what he's planning....he got her a CELLPHONE this weekend; she's 8 YEARS OLD, come on!!....But he said she needs it because his new girlfriend doesn't want me calling him, like EVER, so now he wants Emma to be the one to call him and arrange the visits and stuff. Well excuse me that is just BS! She is only a child, thats not her job, that is our job, we are the parents! No way am I going to put her in that position! His girlfriend is just going to have to accept that we have a child together and are going to have to talk about matters relating to her care and upbringing, that is just a fact of life. And I'm thinking "great this woman hates me (she doesn't even know me), she is going to be undermining me every step of the way, letting Emma do things that I have said no to, buying her things that I can't afford just to win her over, great.:(:(:(:(

Sorry guys I am complaining so much, it just seems like everything is falling apart. I had so much anxiety today that I had to call chris at work and he had to come home early....I feel so worthless and like such a loser...not only am i unable to work, but today chris was unable to work because of me... maybe i should just give up on my life and go live in a group home...

FREE

It seems like lately I'm spending most of my time just waiting for Chris to get home so I can have some parenting help and adult company. But the problem is, a lot of times he comes home and just wants to take a nap! What gives? Can't a girl get a break? Anyways!

This was the case yesterday afternoon, and i found myself needing to entertain Annie (and myself) when all our options at home were pretty much used already. So we decided to go to the mall for some (almost) free fun.

First we hit Victoria's Secret, where I had a voucher for a free Lacie thong (no I'm not going to put up a picture of these :)). Then we went to Old Navy, where I had a $10 merchandise voucher fo using my ON account. So I got one of those velcro catch games that they had on clearance, and a cute fall shirt for Annie. It all cost me 1.70 after the voucher. Annie had fun coloring a picture in the children's section at Old Navy (free).

Next we went to the indoor playground at the mall. While we were there, I remembered i had a $1 credit at CVS so we went there and I got a diet mt dew, which I shamelessly shared with Annie, cause she asked me so sweetly. Hold on, don't call DHS, I only gave her a few sips.

We looked at the hermit crabs at Coachouse, and i let annie ride a few of the quarter rides. All in all we were entertained for almost an hour and a half, and spent only about $3.00. What a deal!