moving on out

well I will probably not be on here until at least friday cause tomorrow I start packing seriously and moving on friday. My landlords have given us this INSANE list of what all we have to clean and how exactly they want everything cleaned. Has anyone else ever had to remove part of the exhaust fan above the stove and soak it in soapy water as part of their move out cleaning? And then there is my personal favorite- wiping each slat of the miniblinds with a wet washcloth. And we have miniblinds in every room! These people are so anal! All I have to say is I had better get my deposit back!
Well best wishes to you all. See you on the other side!

holy poop!

If you have a weak stomach, this post is not for you.

Ok, so, I am basically just trying to make it through the day without freaking losing it so chris can stay at work. I decided to take the girls out to George Wyth, this nature park on the edge of town. It has a few lakes and playgounds.
So we got to the playground and we were there about 15 minutes when Annie comes running up to me and says "mommy I have to go potty". I look around and there is no bathroom in sight. In fact, I remembered that all of the bathrooms in the park were damaged in the floods and probably not open. I see a large bush halfway accross the field so we head for that. I choose a side that shields us from the road about 3/4 of the way, which is about as good as it's going to get, and help Annie get her pants down. I'm expecting her to pee, but nothing happens, and after a minute we head back to the playground.

5 minutes later Annie is back asking to go potty again, so it's back to the bush. This time after I pull down her pants she stays standing and I'm wondering what she's doing when all of a sudden her face turns red and she makes that noise. Uh-oh. I look up and there is the park ranger driving by, just in time to see Annie drop a massive deuce in the grass! Arrrgh!

Frantically I am wiping Annie's butt with grass and looking around for the ranger but he has moved on, thank goodness! I get her cleaned up as best I can and kind of push the turd under the bush with a leaf (gross) and we get back to the playground.

3 minutes later Annie is back. I get her back to the bush just in time to discover that this time we were too late. She has pooped in her undies. So I take her hand and we turn to go get Emma and I see that Emma is on her way to me.

"mom, i gotta take a dump"

Nice.

But since Emma is almost 8 years old she is NOT going to poo behind a bush in public, thankyouverymuch. She can hold it.

So its time to go home. We head to the car, the girls carrying their waterbottles, and me carrying Annie's undies wrapped in a leaf.

All I have to say is, my girls are regular!

:(

aarrgh I am so stressed out.... the move is really starting to get to me....all around me are boxes and boxes and messes and things that need doing...i spent all morning on the phone with credit card companies going through those stupid never ending phone menues just to change my address....i cant handle the chaos...i also suck at dealing with change...

also- the sh*t is hitting the fan with Emmas dad, or it is about to....she said he's asking her if she wants to live with HIM and see ME on the weekends....I don't know what he's planning....he got her a CELLPHONE this weekend; she's 8 YEARS OLD, come on!!....But he said she needs it because his new girlfriend doesn't want me calling him, like EVER, so now he wants Emma to be the one to call him and arrange the visits and stuff. Well excuse me that is just BS! She is only a child, thats not her job, that is our job, we are the parents! No way am I going to put her in that position! His girlfriend is just going to have to accept that we have a child together and are going to have to talk about matters relating to her care and upbringing, that is just a fact of life. And I'm thinking "great this woman hates me (she doesn't even know me), she is going to be undermining me every step of the way, letting Emma do things that I have said no to, buying her things that I can't afford just to win her over, great.:(:(:(:(

Sorry guys I am complaining so much, it just seems like everything is falling apart. I had so much anxiety today that I had to call chris at work and he had to come home early....I feel so worthless and like such a loser...not only am i unable to work, but today chris was unable to work because of me... maybe i should just give up on my life and go live in a group home...

FREE

It seems like lately I'm spending most of my time just waiting for Chris to get home so I can have some parenting help and adult company. But the problem is, a lot of times he comes home and just wants to take a nap! What gives? Can't a girl get a break? Anyways!

This was the case yesterday afternoon, and i found myself needing to entertain Annie (and myself) when all our options at home were pretty much used already. So we decided to go to the mall for some (almost) free fun.

First we hit Victoria's Secret, where I had a voucher for a free Lacie thong (no I'm not going to put up a picture of these :)). Then we went to Old Navy, where I had a $10 merchandise voucher fo using my ON account. So I got one of those velcro catch games that they had on clearance, and a cute fall shirt for Annie. It all cost me 1.70 after the voucher. Annie had fun coloring a picture in the children's section at Old Navy (free).

Next we went to the indoor playground at the mall. While we were there, I remembered i had a $1 credit at CVS so we went there and I got a diet mt dew, which I shamelessly shared with Annie, cause she asked me so sweetly. Hold on, don't call DHS, I only gave her a few sips.

We looked at the hermit crabs at Coachouse, and i let annie ride a few of the quarter rides. All in all we were entertained for almost an hour and a half, and spent only about $3.00. What a deal!

"body Image nightmare" or "the walk of shame"

ok, so, last night i was experiencing some MAJOR anxiety post-dinner, so I decided to go for a walk before I ended up doing anything I would regret (ahempurgeahem). I started out for my walk and pretty soon noticed that there was something downright disturbing going on. That is, my stomach was sticking out so far that it seemed to be going on ahead of me. Like, as if to announce the arrival of the fatass behind it. I know, I know, you are all rolling your eyes, but i'm serious! I mean if I were to walk into a wall, my stomach would hit the wall a full two seconds before the rest of me did. As in, I look pregnant! Grrr!

And then it got worse! As I walked, the wind started to blow against me, flattening my t-shirt against my stomach and outlining every roll and pooch for all to behold! It was the worst! I had to cut my walk short because I couldn't handle it. I was so embarassed and ashamed.

I came home with new determination to lose weight, but two hours later i somehow found myself on the couch with a bowl of icecream. Which is ok i guess considering my last post about how I'm not going to focus on losing this weight Iv'e gained and so on. And I suppose, as awful as it was, it was probably progress that I was able to feel those feelings last night and resist the urge to throw it all up.

I know that, according to the number on the scale, I'm not overweight. Then why do I look so freaking fat? Or does the height/weight chart simply apply to everyone else but me?

i'm waiting for the recovery fairy to come along and wave a magic wand over my head and say "love yourself" and poof! I will have good body image. But it doesn't seem to be happening. I guess for now i will have to find something else about myself to love besides my looks. Scary.

recommitted

ok, time to get back on the recovery train. Choo Choo! I have been thinking about losing weight lately, which has led to more purging because I was no longer willing to let myself eat what I needed, which has led to more bingeing and purging. Yesterday I restricted all day, which only made me feel weak and stressed out while I was trying to pack. Plus, I almost cancelled my dietitian appointment today because i didn't want to face the decision of whether or not to weigh myself. And I felt like, whats the use anyway, since I have decided to give up on recovery and lose weight?

SO, I did go to the dietitcian, and I DID weigh myself, and found I have gained 2 pounds since 3 weeks ago. But you know what, My weight still wasn't as high as I thought it was. So I was sitting there telling my D all my thoughts that I just wrote here above, and she reminded me that I am going through a stressful time and I was just trying to get some control back by trying to lose weight. She thought i would benefit from some excercise, which I havent been doing lately. And she reminded me that as long as I was purging my weight wouldn,t stabalize, which i already knew.

So since I have left my appointment I have been doing some thinking. I have decided to recommit to recovery. I have not been happy since I have been thinking about losing weight (nor have I lost any weight, so what's the freaking point?). All I have accomplished is increased purging and decreased satisfaction with my body. Plus, I need to be strong and healthy for the move. And lets face it, restricting is just deppressing. All I do when I am restricting is think about food and what I can or can't eat and when I am going to eat next and so on. We are havving sloppy joes tonight and I had been planning to eat only a quarter cup of the meat and no bun and no chips. Or, eat what I wanted but then I would purge. That's no way to live! Why not just give myself permission to eat, like everyone else does!?

So, I am getting back on the horse. No, I do not like my weight. but it will stabalize if I quit messing with it. I am going to eat reasonable portions tonight and not purge. If I feel full, or fat, or guilty, or like freaking out, that will just have to be ok. Because I recognise that If I keep doing what I have been doing, I will just be in the same place I was 5 months ago, starting all over again. Year after year, as has been the pattern the last 14 years.

The only way OUT is THROUGH.
The only way OUT is THROUGH.
The only way OUT is THROUGH.

I am just going to tell myself the samr thing that I would tell any of you if you were struggling. That there is going to be some discomfort. That it will not be fun. But the rewards are long term. It will be worth it.

it rained on us!

In case you are wondering why we are back so soon it's because it rained on us. Boo! I woke up this morning to the rain, so we had breakfast in the tent, and when it stopped raining I packed us up and we hit the road. We are now home, unpacked, showered, laundry is in the washer and dinner is in the crockpot. Go me!
I was dissappointed we didn't get to stay today, but glad we went up early yesterday so we could have fun when the weather was beautiful. We had a really great time!

We roasted marshmallows and hotdogs and did sparklers and all that fun stuff.
Our campsite was beautiful and secluded. In fact we were the only ones there. It made me a little nervous as it was the perfect setting to be axe-murdered by a psychotic woodsman, but that didn't happen.

Emma caught this toad and i gave up my dishwashing bucket so she could keep it for the day.
She named it Goggles.

There is a really tall tower that they used to use for looking out for forest fires (like that ever happens in Iowa). We climbed to the top and my legs are still sore!

Well those are the pics. We also found this neat lille sandbar at the river by our campsite that we waded on and made sandcastles but i didn't have my camera so no pictures. Overall it was a fun time, but I wish Chriss had been there, both for the adult company and the help.

I was really glad I have been doing so well with my eating and weight. It would have sucked if I was too weak and didn't have the stamina to keep up with the girls and haul the gear. Plus it's hard to have a good time when you are starving and obsessed with food and when you are getting your next mouthful. So hooray for camping while in recovery!

i say "in recovery" tenatively because I am still purging (didn't while camping though) sometimes and struggle with body image. I know I have a long way to go. Every day I want to lose weight and have to fight the urge to restrict. Most days I am convinced that I don't have what it takes to stay at this weight and am convinced that sooner or later i will return to my old ways. So for right now I am taking it one day at a time.

Didn't mean to get all negative all of a sudden. I just didn't want to misrepresent where I am in recovery :).

So the next challenge: Moving on the 31st. Yay.