update

sorry its been awhile since ive posted. I have been in this really bad deppression and havent felt like doing much. I got some lorazepam and am feeling a little more relaxed and functionable today. i saw my psychDoc last night and he made me really nervous cause he kept talking about wanting to hospitalise me. I definately do not want to be in the hospital, im a big advocate for being treated in the least restrictive setting possible. plus, last time i was hospitalised for deppression, the hospital doc had me committed and i almost ended up in a crappy group home! I have a husband and 2 kids! I dont need that! Then, my last hospital based ED treatment program that i was in last spring sucked royally- it was a really bad experience. So lets just say that when my doc started talking about hospitalizing me, i started mentally plotting my escape from the room ( bolt for the door suddenly, keeping the coffee table between me and the doc). Fortunately it didnt come to that. Hes putting me on Pristiq, this brand new anti deppressent, and also gave me some lorazepam. we talked about shock treatments again, but hhe is hesitant to do them if i am purging everyday. The ect's themselves are not that dangerous, but you have to go under anesthesia wich carries some risks of its own which can be compoounded by the physical complications of an eating disorder. I talked to my therapist today and while i am not willing to gain (restore) any weight at this point we came up with some strategies that would help me maintain my weight and eat small amounts throughout the day without purging. I really need to quit purging cause it is effecting how my meds get absorbed(if they even do). So i will be working on it and hopefully the next post will include some good news. Take care!

cold snowy day

well, this is not good. It is freezing cold and snowing outside and i am warm and cozy inside with everything i need, except the one thing i need the most...Diet soda! AAARGH! How will i make it through the day. Maybe chris will be a saint and go out there later and get me some. Cause i sure as hell am not going out in that frigid iowa winter! Not even for a diet dew. Well, on the positive side, my christmas shopping is almost done and wrapped so im not feeling the desperation that some people are feeling right now to go dashing through the snow, freezing their buns off in search of last minute gift cards. Wow. it is starting ti snow even more. I wonder if emmas school will get out early. I think i will go check the weather. so long for now. Stay warm! Escpecially those of yoou in minnesota! I am thinking of you!

made it through another week

like the title says, im still here. I saw the doc on thursdat and he increaced my lexapro, and put me back on the risperidol and topamax. plus the traxodone. oh, and i managed to squeeze some klonipin out of him. 20 .5 mg tablets that are supposed to last the entire month. so far i have 7 left. go figure. T he problem is that the .5's do nothing for my anxiety. i have to take at least two. so now my husband is mad at me because he thinks i am "abusing my medications". I think he is having flashbacks from last year. He really hurt my feelings today by telling me that by me abusing my meds and doing my eating disorder he thinks im trying to push him to see how much he will take and he really didnt appreciate it what whith finals going o and every thing. Well, i was just florred! It hurt so bad to hear him sat that! I mean, this is not about him! Mostly, i try to hide it from him! And i alraedy feel sad and guilty and ashamed all the time and now, to know that this is how he sees me, just destroyed me!. Well, hewe were on our way to church and when we got ther i just dropped him and anne off cause i was too upset to go so i drove home, but all the way home i was having crazy thoughts like driving off the road or killing myself or something. When i went home i went downstairs and talked to my friend jude and that helped a little. Then when i left judes apt chris was standing in the hallway. He was worried about me. we talked a little bit and that helped but i am still feeling pretty low. well they are home now so i have to go.

sad

OK, SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED BY SOMEONES EATING DISORDER/ MENTAL ILLNESS SYMPTOMS. SKIP THIS ONE! I DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONE! I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT! I feel absolutely awful right now. I know, that doesnt really describe it well. I just feel scared and hopeless and deppressed and, yes, suicidal. I think the thing that has really kept me from making an attempt is that i realize that i would most likely either chicken out or fail, thus ending up in the er and being hospitalized on a psych ward, and that is definately not what i want. i just dont think i really have it in me to end my life, and the hospital has absolutely nothing to offer me. So here i am . Im sure at some point i will be glad i am not killing myself. Jusst not right now.
I was doing ok until last week, when some stuff came up in therapy that was really hard, like i mentioned in my last post. I got waaay stressed out over it, but had recovered enough to function in time for our ward christmas party on saturday. This day was kind of a positive anniversary for me, since it was a yaer since my last "drunk". One year ago, on the day of our ward christmas party, i got lit on all the hand sanitizer in our 72 hour kits. While taking anabuse. Yep, i'm a classy lady. Anyway, i haven't drank since. i'm really proud of that.
So anyway, we went to the party on saturday and there was this big dinner and i binged and purged. Something just snapped in me and i did it. Afterward i felt horrible. I was so proud of myself that i hadnt purged since my treatment last yaer. This was a huge accomplishment for me. And now i blew it. I let myself down and everyone else, too. Well, i swore id pick myself back up and that it wouldnt happen again but i have thrown up every day since then. I did it 4 times yesterday! Yesterday was just the worst, i felt very out of control and suicidal and scared and alone. I am terrified that i am going to end up back in the HELL that is bulimia! I WOULD RATHER DIE! Oh, and i am taking laxatives too :( . i am so tired of this. Im tired of letting people down and being a failure. Im tired of spending each day just trying to get through the moment, scared and sad and in survival mode. I wast to wake up and be HAPPY that im alive and LOOK FORWARD to the day! I feel like i am in a nightmare!
One ray of hope- i havent thrown up yet today. But i havent eaten much either, which i know sets me up for failure. And we have a BIG FAMILY DINNER tonight, Im still trying to work out a strategy for that one. Im going to see my psychiatrist in thurs and ask him if i can go on pristiq. Its a new snri antidepressant. Lexapro has worked the best for me in the past, but now i dont think its quite doing the job. Wish me luck! And to anyone who rreads this, thanks for being there.

hmm, havent posted for awhile cause i have been really stressed out. Things with Zlatko have quieted down and for now i am just keeping an eye on the situation. I had considered taking him to court to change the visitation schedule, but just the thought of it stressed me out so bad that i abandoned the idea. For now.
I have been thinking about taking a break from therapy but have decided to keep going for now. Mostly this is because my husband was somewhat alarmed at tthe thought of me not being in therapy cause i am not doing so hot right now. but the thing is, i think therapy is making things worse. let me explain. Cory is an AMAZING therapist, the best i ever had. We are getting deeper into things that i have never explored before, and i am being more honest and open about my thought proccesses theen i have ever been. While this is ultimately a good thing, It causes me TONS of anxiety. For example, in our last session, i told Cory one of my secrets; a belief that i hold that is one of the things that keeps me sick. It felt right at the time, to reveal it, but later i began to be filled with anxiety and guilt and fear. i felt like i had exposed part of myself and i felt so vulnerable and unprotected. It terrified me. That night i severely restricted my food and spent the rest of the evening curled up in bed experiencing extreme anxiety. I woke up feeling bacically the same way. then i began to have thhoughts of cutting, something that i have not done on years. I felt panicked, i didnt know what to do. I had to find some way to express my emotions, to get them under control. Fortunately, i made a good choice. I decided to make a collage about how i was feeling. it sound childish, but it was actually very theraputic and helped me to focus on something. So anyway, im getting braver and taking risks in therapy, wich is good, but it seems to be making my anxiety and ed symptoms worse. On a more positive note, this was the first puke-free thanksgiving for me in about 12 years. Yay! Sorry if my posts are getting negative and whiny; im just having a bit of a struggle right now. Despite all this, though, i AM getting into the christmas spirit. I wish i knew how to post pictures. our apartment is all christmas-y and our tree is beautiful. I love this time of year!