swimsuit

Just a quick post to record a momentous occasion- I went swimsuit shopping today and didn't leave the mall in a suicidal deppression! Actually, every swimsuit that i tried on looked good. Not just not-heinous, but really, really good! Could it be that my body image is improving, or is swimsuit technology getting better? I suspect the latter, but nomatter the reason, i'm greatful to have found a decent suit with a minimum of fuss. Now if only i could find a bra that fit...

la de da

Well, i am still here, trying to fix my bad attitude. I had therapy today, but i'm not really ssure what the point of it was. We spent at least 15 minutes talking about pop. I have been toying with the idea of taking a break from therapy, but i'm not really clear on whether my motivation for this is healthy or not. I asked corey if there was a point to me coming in anymore and he said he didnt know, which kind of suprised me. Then i asked him if he thought i could change and he said "yes", and that it just might not be on my timetable, or something like that. So i guess i will keep going for now.
Chris is going back to work tommorrow. A month ago i would have been ok with this, but now i am not so sure. I have gotten used to having him around. He is like my security blanket; i feel much more grounded when he is here. But i know this is something he needs to do for himself.
My mother in law did something really nice for me. She couldn't save my wedding dress; it was too damaged. So she took the front panel, and the pearls, and the bow from the train, and arranged them nicely in a shadow box, so i would have something of it to keep. Isnt she sweet? I think that is how chris turned out so good.
I still have this annoying cold/sinus thing that i cant seem to get rid of. THe Affrin has stopped being effective and now i am just sniffling all the time- gross! Other than that, not much is going on. Just getting back into the swing of things after spring break. And dealing with Emma's little friends- apparently friend 1 doesnt like friend 2, and has told emma that she will not be her friend if emma plays with friend 2. Ugh! Friend 1 is a catty little girl who often stops talking to Emma for no reason and will be her friend one day, and not the other day. And now she wants to tell emma who she can be friends with? I dont think so! I had a talk with Emma about making up her own mind and doing what she thinks is right and treating others the way she would like to be treated, and how important it is not to let others control you and to make your own decisions, that sort of thing. Sheesh! Girls are so mean. And i know its only going to get worse as she gets closer to junior high. Im glad im done with all that personally.

back to reality

OK, so ive had some time to think since my last post, and i have realized that all of the things that i said about recovery could be said about the eating disorder. I mean, i feel fat all the time, even when i am disgusstingly thin. And i always feel like crap when i look in the mirror! And, lets face it, even if i do get to a point where i am happy with my weight, im not really happy at all. I live in fear that i will gain, and am ruled by obsessive thoughts that isolate me from my friends and family. Plus, there is the physical weakness and general crappiness of starving.
So what am i to do? How can i be happpy in this catch 22 situation? I feel like ive painted myself into a corner. Unfortunately, i "chose" the eating disorder road long ago, and now i am paying for it, because now i dont have the power to choose anymore. Im stuck with this unwanted guest in my head, day and night, beating me sensless.
I really am tired of this.

rant

WARNING- TRIGGERING!


If recovery is so great, why do i feel so shitty!? Why do i feel like i want to come out of my skin, every second of every day that i am at a "healthy weight" ? And every time i look in the mirror, i fell like iv'e had the wind knocked out of me! It's like a slap in the face! I'm sick of it. I feel like iv'e been duped! I could have been losing weight this whole time; i could be thin and happy right now! Instead i am distgustingly, horribly fat! aaaarrrgh!


(dont say i didnt warn you)

BACK HOME

Well i got back from my road trip on friday and i must say i had such a great time! And my girls are SO good on the road- 1300 miles in the car and no crying or complaining! Of course, i try to make it fun, with lots of stops and this road bingo game i made for emma, with prizes and everything. We spent two days at the Great Wolf lodge in traverse city, michigan, wich was AWESOME! It had an indoor waterpark and a "cave" in our room the first night and a "cabin" the ssecond night (we switched rooms). And Emma played this game called Magic Quest. You buy a wand, which you get to keep, and the game is played all throughout the hotel. The wand activates different items, like portraits and treasure chests, that you have to find, and you go on different quests. Its kind of like being in a video game. Even some of the taxidermied animals in the lodge would sayy things if you pointed the wand at them! Emma had a blast!
I did pretty good with the eating disorder on the trip. I dont have a scale, but i am pretty sure i have gained all that weight i was talking about, and then some. I only purged once, despite all the eating out and fast food we ate on the trip. Ironically, my purge was a weight watcher's frozen dinner i microwaved in our hotel room. There is no figuring out this illness sometimes.
I'm having alot of second thoughts about this whole "healthy weight" thing. I just feel so freaking uncomfortable! And fat! And what's worse, i feel so ORDINARY! Like there is nothing special about me. It's too bad that my world has shrunk to such a small place that the only way i can feel special or accomplished is to lose weight and become extremely thin, but there it is. It seems so empty and meaningless, yet life seems meaningless without it. I guess if i had gone to college or had a career or whatever i would have something to fall back on, but i have spent my whole adult life, and a good part of my teens, doing THIS! It has been my occupation, so to speak. I have always measured my success, my standing in the world, by my weight. I dont know how to view myself another way.
This is all kind of deppressing to me. I worry that i will die from my illness, or live a "sick" life. And be a bad role model for my girls, and have to watch my choices repeat myself in them. That sounds like the worst kind of torture. I am at a loss to know how to change myself, but i kknow that i have to, somehow.

quick post

I am just wainting for chris to get back from Avis with the rental car and then we are outta here! We are going on a road trip to the upper penninsula of Michigan- Chri wants to see the macinaw bridge. It's the largest or second largest suspension bridge in north america- whoopie- i know. But chris learned about it iin one of his engineering classes and now he really wnts to see it. Yes, he is a nerd, but he is my nerd and i love him! Anyways, i am glad to just be going anywhere, and i still get ridiculously excited about staying in hotels, so i am psyched. On the downside, i have a nasty sinus thing going on so i am not sleeping and either hopped up or doped up on decongestents, it depends what time of the day it is. But i am determined to make the best of it. I found some airborne that had expired in 07 but i took it anyway and it tastted ok and still fizzed and everthing.
Oh, something really awful happened the other day. We were storing a suitcase in my inlaws garage, but it is this old farm garage that is leaky and stuff, so the suitcase has been leaked on and molding for the last 2 years and we finally decided to throw it out. We thought it was empty, but when we looked inside we discovered that my wedding dress was in there! i thought it had been hanging in his parents closet this whole time! Of course, it is completely ruined- moldy and rotting! I didnt think i was so sentimental but i cried and cried and cried. I didnr have a very big or spectacular wedding, and the dress is all i had to remember it. But, as my mom poined out, i have chris which is most important. But i started getting all symbolic and melodramatic and blubbering about how the dress was ruined just like me; when we were married everything was so perfect but i have made so many mistakes and screwed up so bad and was ruined just like the dress. Chris said no this was not true. He was feeling really bad about the dress, though- he actually cried! I guess i will think more about what to do whith it after the trip. Right now im just relieved that its gone so i dont have to look at it. Plus it stank up the apartment! Ugh! Well, i better go. Happy spring break!

friday the 13th

I am about ready to give up on my aforementioned weight-related goal. I feel gross, disgusting fat, horrible, nasty, itchy, cranky, bad, bad, BAD! (yes, i know these are not really feelings)


Oh, and i ate an entire bag of Brach's jellybeans today. I think they are lodged somewhere in my colon.


They were yummy.