a new day...

I am feeling a little better today. Haven't puked yet so we'll see how things go. I am sticking to mostly safe foods and while that is not ideal for the long term it is helping for now.

I saw Dr. Sean today. Here are the highlights:

1. He is NOT taking me off the seroquel, yet. He said " I'll make you a deal. See you in a month and if you are still doing well I'll start taking you off the seroquel.". Hey- isn't that the deal he made me last month? Anyways.

2. I have gained 2 more pounds.

3. I am NOT a candidate for weight-loss medication. Yes, I asked him.

4. I got more Xanax for my upcoming dental appointments. Specifically, I have a prescription for A SINGLE MG DOSE, with 4 refills, so I never have more than one pill on hand at once. The good doctor knows me well.

5. had my potassium checked. Don't know the results yet.

6. Dr. S. wore a really dorky sweater today. It was semi-endearing.


In other news, we brought my 8 year old niece home from waterloo for an extended sleepover. We are going back to waterloo tomorrow to take Emma to her dad's house. Haveing twp eight year old girls in the house has been kind of crazy, but fun. I am going to take the girls to "fantastic Mr fox" tonight. We went sledding today and that was kind of fun, but cold.

Well that is about it. thank you everyone for your support, i was really touched that you care. i am doing my best to take care of myself and hopefully can turn things around soon
.

Love <3

bulimia sux

i hate this! Why can't i get it under control? I threw up four times today. So, not a good day. And i woke up this morning with the best of intentions. Why does it all go to crap the minute I put food in my mouth?
Sigh.

out of control

Once again, I had a lovely Christmas.

This post is not about Christmas. This post is about my eating disorder, which is out of control. It was never really under control, but things have gotten worse over the holidays. I have been bingeing and purging several times a day for the last week or so. Before that I just binged and purged about once a day every other day or so, or maybe 3 times a week. For me that is pretty good.

I am trying to figure out the increase in bingeing and purging. I think there are several factors at play. For one thing, there has been SO MUCH FOOD around. I do not handle having easy access to to a large variety of snacky or deserty type foods well. I tend to want to taste everything RIGHT NOW!!! Maybe it's from years of restricting, or from being deprived of junk foods as a kid, but I just don't trust that the food will be there later if I want it. When the food is in the house it is all I can think of until it is eaten.

Another thing is, I am not really holding myself accountable for my behaviors right now. I haven't wanted to "be too hard on myself" because after all, "it's the holidays. My ed always gets bad on the holidays, so why fight it.". To be honest though, I wasnt really trying that hard before the holidays, either. Like in therapy. I see the therapist twice a week but we don't usually talk about my ED. We talk about stuff from the past, and my depression, and my relationships with my husband and kids, and stuff like that. All of that is really important, but if I am purging several times a day, I am wondering if we should put the other stuff on hold for a bit to get the ED back in line. part of this is my fault. i need to speak up. I tend to downplay the severity of my ED as long as I am at a healthy weight. It's almost like I am embarrassed to bring it up.

A month or so I got a referral to a dietitian, but my insurance would not cover it. The hospital had a financial aid program, but it would only cover 2 visits. Oh well I thought I'll take what I can get. But when I got the financial aid application I was overwhelmed with it because they wanted all this information and tax returns and bank statements ect ect and I just said "screw it" and didn't do it. I don't know.

I haven't seen my therapist in awhile cause of the holidays but when things get back to normal I will have to address all of this. If anybody has any advice, I would love to hear it.

Merry Christmas!

I hope everyone is having a great Christmas! We sure are!

My day started (unfortunately) at 2:30 in the morning when Emma woke up and came into my room all excited saying "come see! Come see!". She was so excited about her gifts from santa but no way was I going to let her drag the rest of us out of bed at that hour! I made her go back to bed and told her not to get up until at least six. But by then I was wide awake and to be honest I was pretty excited myself! With that, and Emma getting up every 15 minuted to check the time, I doubt I slept more than another hour. But its all good. i'm running off pure Christmas magic (and caffiene) at this point!

I popped in my blazing fire dvd and we opened our stockings and presents. The girls were very pleased with what they got and contrary to my fears they seemed happy and nothing was missing or wanted. My most favorite present was from Emma- a handmade book all about how much she loves me and all that I do for her and how much I mean to her. It made me cry (the good kind)! I will cherish it forever.

Then I set to work on the food. The whole table and all available counter space was covered with appetizers and treats and candies and goodies of all kinds! And that's not even the dinner! I think I went a little overboard and made food for about 40 people. Our friends Jasmine and Thomas and their little ones came over and we snacked and I cooked and we ate and talked and the kids played and we had a wonderful time. And I was very brave and tried the fois gras (sp) that they brought; I must say it was the scariest food imaginable for someone with an ED. It was pretty much pure fat. I was very honored though that they shared it with us, because they got it all the way from France and it is a delicacy to them. Jasmine and Thomas are French and just moved here in Oct. I met her at playpals and we have become quite good friends. I was so glad they could come share Christmas with us!

Well chris took Annie sledding just now and Emma is playing the Wii. I have finished the dishes and am just enjoying some time on the couch. It has been a wonderful day and I must say that my heart is full of joy and love. I hope everyone out there is as blessed as I feel today!

Merry Christmas!

some pictures

This is what happened when I tries to drink hot chocolate straight frrom the thermos while wearing a white coat! I was in the car and had to sit in a puddle of hot chocolate all the way home!

I got it all cleaned out of my coat, though.
This is my Emma. She went to the dentist this morning and had 2 cavities filled! She was so brave and I am very proud of her!

Annie eating a gingerbread cookie. Note the pink icing in her hair. Also note excessive use of decorative gummies on the cookie in the lower left corner of this picture! I think there is cookie under there somewhere! This one was my favorite. Emma made it- note the "angry eyes"

Annie doing a twirl in her pretty Christmas dress....

...and looking sweet by the tree!

And as promised, a picture of my "fireplace". The camera didn't quite capture the flames. In real life it looks more like a flickering fire and less like a firebomb!

If I dont post again, Merry Christmas!

dizzyness!!!!!

So, we went to Waterloo (crappy iowa town about 1.5 hours from Ames) friday and spent the night at my inlaws (love them!) and guess who forgot her Pristiq? I remembered the other meds, but the pristiq is in sample packs so it is not with my other meds and was left behind. I am taking a really hefty dose of the stuff- 50 mgs more than the highest FDA approved dose- so when I miss a dose I get serious withdrawls. By yesterday afternoon I was soooo dizzy. I had my dose this morning and am still very dizzy and waiting for this to stop! I want to write a good post but typing is really hard when you can't really see the keyboard due to head spinningness!

On another unrelated note, I am kind of down lately because I am feeling like a frumpy old mum and not young or hot or even attractive. I think part of the problem is I am comparing myself to people on facebook. I keep running into people on FB that I went to high school with that still look great and its hard not to get down on myself. I know that true beauty is on the inside, but to be honest I dont really like what is on my inside. I think that is why I have always tried to look my best and hope I could get by on that. Lately i have started to notice aging going on and its hard to keep my chin up.

Ok I am babbling and making no sense cant think or focus.

Still really excited about Christmas! When i am feeling better I will post about all my exciting christmas plans. i am really excited about my menu and would like to post about it but dont want to trigger anyone with food talk. but hey this is my blog anyways so I just might ;)

love you all

getting back in the spirit

I don't know why, but it seems like I am either ridiculously happy and everything is great, or I am horribly deppressed and the world is ending! Looking back on some of my posts has really helped me see that.
My car breaking and needing really expensive repairs sucks. But that stuff happens. It's hard when you don't have all the money to buy all the things you want for people. But as I look at all of the presents under the tree, I realize we have more than enough and are truly blessed. Not just with material possesions, but we have eachother. We love and are loved. These are the gifts that you can't buy in a store. It's a feeling you cant get from even the best antidepressant. I need to show more appreciation for the things the Lord has given me and spend less time focusing on the things I think I should have.

I'm getting back on the Christmas train toot toot! Ok thats corny but oh well. Tonight we are going to go driving and look at Christmas lights and just take it easy. I am forcing myself to take a small break from goodie making. I have been overdoing it a bit and don't want to get burned out before next week when the REAL cooking starts! Also, i'm not sure my teeth can take much more. I went to the dentist yesterday and got prepped for a new crown and left with a temporary crown, which came un-cemented while I was "trying out" some homemeade lollypops!

Tomorrow is Emma's class party and once again I am in charge but I am not nervous because now I have experience. Also, I planned this one to be a little more low-key than the Haloween one, since the kids will be all riled up in anticipation of Christmas break. We ate going to make picture frame ornaments, have treats, and watch a Christmas movie. And I have some pretty sweet goodie bags for the kids that Emma helped me put together.

Well, that is about it for today. I have a mountain of laundry I need to go tackle and I should probably clean the bathroom. Woohoo!

Oh P.S. I have to tell you about the best thing ever that I got for $2 last week at Walgreens! One of those DVD's that just plays a picture of a fireplace burning! IT IS SO AWESOME! But I am pretty much the only person in the family that appreciates it's cheery glow. My husband thinks it's corny and didn't even think I was serious when I said I was getting it. I think he just doesn't like it because when it is in he can't watch tv. I think that with our vertical-style entertainment center, if you squint your eyes just right, it looks like we have a fireplace. I will just have to post some pics and let you all decide.

crap day

lost a crown eating home made toffee. Ate more toffee to console myself. Ate candy instead of lunch. purged dinner and ate more candy. Now have a mouth full of sores, unfinished dental work, and crown-less tooth stump thing.

Took the van to the shop and found out it needs $450- 500 dollars worth of work. burst into tears- uncontrollable sobbing in the car as Chris drove around getting estimates and Annie strapped in the car seat said anxiously "its ok mommy dont cry".

Became wailing and hysterical as I could not find a reciept for some presents that I had to take back since we cannot afford them. Sensed imminent psychological meltdown and dosed self with some extra seroquel. Retreated to my room muttering incoherently. Emerged half hour later and curled up on the couch, clutching my stuffed rabbit and listening to religious music.

Responses to my children today swung between complete nonresponsiveness and shouting. Am a horrible mother. Good thing Chris was here.

Fat. Failure. Evil.

Tomorrow morning at 8 I get to take the Xanax and get some dental work done. I think it will be the highlight of the week.

out.

cold monday, warm heart

Well, it is still cold and snowy here (I had to chip ice off my windshield this morning). I am so greatful for my nice, warm apartment!

Not much new has been going on here. I was supposed to have the dentist appointment today and was all set (and quite looking forward ) to pop that Xanax, but they cancelled because the dentist was sick. So I retaliated by making toffee and super-sticky popcorn balls and munching away gleefully. I know, I know, I only hurt myself he he he.....

I am doing well with the food and not restricting which has put me in a better mood.

My mom had a body scan (for cancer) and it came back CLEAN! So that is great!

Overall, things are going pretty well.. Which is good, because I have one therapy appointment and then not again until Jan 4! That is a long time, considering I am a twice a week gal. But I think I will be busy enough with Christmas so it should be fine.

SOOOO EXCITED FOR CHRISTMAS!

gingerbread house 2009!

Dood, there was so much candy! I think we all made ourselves a little sick :)
Chris in charge of the frosting.

Emma building a snowman out of white gumdrops and frosting.

Finished product (note the Santa on the roof- my idea)!

And the other side.

Doing a gingerbread house with the kids is a great excercise for me to learn to let go of my controlling and perfectionistic habits. I have to remind myself that the finished product doesn't have to look like a picture in a magazine. The point is to have fun and be creative! I have to step back and let the girls do their thing.

We had so much fun! Annie keeps asking when we are going to eat it.

Did I mention that I LOVE CHRISTMAS!?

thoughts on food and self

As you know I was kind of on-the-fence considering the slimfast. But after doing some thinking I have decided to not diet. This doesn't mean I won't in the future. It just means that right now, I feel like giving myself a chance.

Since today was a snow day I fired up the waffle iron and made breakfast. And I wanted to sit down with Chris and the girls and eat waffles with them, not a shake. When it came time for lunch I made chicken noodle soup (canned but I added more chicken and carrots) and I considered the fact that the soup probably had the same amount of calories as the shake. So why not eat the "real" food. So I did.

As I was working in the kitchen and listening to my girls play and thinking how much I love them and our little family I thought about how I wanted another child some day. I started thinking about how this wouldn't be possible if I wasn't healthy. I just had this feeling too that the feeling in the house is not the same when I'm into my ED. There is not the same feeling of warmth and harmony. I don't know if the rest of the family feels the negativity when I am sick, but I sure do.

Of course, I still HATE my body. Yuck.

I keep going back and forth. I wish I was one of those people who was naturally thin. Then I could be recovered and still love my body. I guess people with naturally perfect bodies are rare (and possibly airbrushed) and I should just try to accept what I have. And be greatful for it.

After all, what I have works. I was able to go out in the deep snow and pull annie around in her sled. And help Emma dig a snowfort. My stomach is not perfectly flat, but my girls don't care. They just care that I am there for them, am not too tired to play. That I'm present and tuned into their world, not just wrapped up in my own.

And my husband always tells me I'm beautiful.

Why am I not good enough for myself?

snow day

Our tiny snowman as seen out the livingroom window. The snow wasn't really great for making snowballs. In the background are my reindeer and santa sleigh!
me and Annie

Emma and Annie in their snowfort.

Emma

Annie

Me and the girls.

Eating the snow!

We got soo much snow; even more than is in these pictures! We had alot of fun indoors too. I will have to post more pictures.

Even Ia state university is closed, so we are all home today.

Dental work FAIL

ok, today has just been the worst and I feel the need to b*tch and moan about it for a bit.

Went to the dentist today for the much anticipated/dreaded cavity fillings that need to get done. One cavity is minor but the other one is so large that the dentist was not sure if it would turn into a root canal rather than a filling. He was going to open up the tooth and see.

So he put a little numbing gel on my gums but the shot of anesthesia still hurt SO BAD! Then i wasn't really getting numb so he had to give me some mor. I cant have novicaine because it messes up my heart and I aready have heart rhythm problems. So I have to have the other stuff but it just doesn't work as well. Anyways, the dentist started to drill my tooth and right away a sharp pain shot through my tooth and face. Obviously I was not numb. The dentist gave me some more shots and was waiting for them to work and then I startd having a minor panic attack. He was like "just breathe" and he stayed with me to make sure I was ok. Did I mention I have the nicest dentist ever? Anyways, I calmed down but still was not numb and he told me that based on my weight (i'm not underweight, they just base the dose on your weight) he could not give me any more anesthesia. Suck.

So I was like "well what are we going to do now?" and he said that once in a while he has a patient that he cannot get numb and they just reschedule the appointment and try again. He also said that my anxiety level probably lowered my pain threshold and made it harder to get numb. He wished he had some nitrous to give me but they don't have that. I said that this was the perfect situation for a Xanax but that I cant take those since I used to be dependent on them. But we decided that I should ask my doctor to give me one Xanax per dental appointment. I mean, I have to get this dental work done! And if all I had was one Xanax and no more there is no way I could abuse it. The problem is hwen I have a full bottle of Xanax and I just take them and take them.

So I have a call into my doctor's office and hopefully he will not think I am drug seeking (well I am in a way) and give me the Xanax. My dentist said that my doctor could call him if he needed to.

So this whole ordeal had pretty much sucked. I had to go through all those painful shots and the anxiety for nothing!!!! Plus I am embarrassed to be such a wuss. I have had 7 root canals and this has never happened to me before!


P.S. I am still going back and forth on the whole slimfast thing. I am tempted to try to let go of the whole diet/weight loss thing for now. For one thing, it's the holidays, and not being able to eat would suck. Also, I am tempted to see if I could learn to love myself and my body. I mean, if I could do it at this weight that would be quite a triumph! So I had the slimfast for breakfast, but for lunch am nibbling on some seasonal foods that I am trying to enjoy with moderation.

thanks y'all!

wow, I recieved some really good feedback regarding my last post and the whole wanting to diet/slimfast thing! It has really made me think about what i am doing.

I think it is true that I am feeling uncomfortable and out of control and am trying to seize back control through restricting. But as Karo said, I need to remind myself that restricting/anorexia has never brought me anything good in my life. It just keeps me trapped in my eating disorder and I lose more of my life battling this disease that has already cost me so much. And like Now said, maybe this is a good opportunity to learn some self- love. how can I learn to love myself if I keep trying to change to make myself loveable?

Today at worship service we were singing a song about how we are changed through the sacrifice of Jesus and some of the lyrics were "we will never be the same, we will never be the same". I want to feel that way. When I choose my ED, I am just being the same old Lisa. I want to be a new creation in the Lord, and I know He has the power to help me conquer my ED. What stops me from letting Him? Is it lack of faith? Fear? I don't know.

Even though all of these thoughts are going through my head, at this point I still really want to lose weight. But at least I am thinking about it.

warning- lots of food/calories/weight talk (sorry)!

ok I am freaking out/not happy at all. If anyone has been reading my blog for awhile do you remember when I was seeing a dietitian last spring and decided to gain some weight so I could be healthier? Well, we decided on a number that was within a healthy range but was not too high and wouldn't freak me out too bad. But it was definitaly THE LIMIT for me as far as how high I wanted to go.

Well

I am now 10 POUNDS higher then that weight!!!!!

SO two possibilities come to mind-

1) That weight was too low to be realistic
or
2) i am a gross! "gross" is putting it mildly. I did not write on here all the really nasty things I have been thinking about myself lately.

And the thing is, I dont really eat that much. And, I go to the gym regularly! So, i saw Dr Sean yesterday and talked with him about it and he thinks it is some of my meds causeing the weight gain. Particularly the seroquel and the risperdal. He said that even if I were eating a lower-than-average number of calories, a number that most people would lose on, my body could still possibly gain. This absolutely horrified me! I hate the feeling that I have no control over my body and could not lose weight even if I chose to!

Since i am stable, Dr. S said he wants to see me in 3 weeks and then if I was still doing well he would discuss tapering down on those meds.

In the meantime I have decided to go on slimfast. Dun dun dun. I know, I know, this kind of goes against everything I am trying to be about! And I am thinking about all of my blog posts about being brave, sticking with recovery, accepting my body, taking care of myself, not giving up, ect. I'm just not feeling brave right now. I am feeling miseable. And, I don't think I am giving up on recovery. I just want to lose the extra weight I gained. That's it.

It was alot easier to be brave and feel positive about recovery back when I was at the "acceptable" healthy weight. I guess maybe I don't have what it takes to be recovered "no matter what". As in, I will stay in recovery even if I get heavy. Maybe I dont have what it takes.

I don't know. Let me know what you think (although please try not to be too scathing :) ).