carless thursday

well my husband's car is in the sho, and the car that he is borrowing from his parents wouldn't start this morning, so he has my car and i am carless. Boo that! I was going to go to Cedar Rapids to see my mom today, but since i dont have a car she decided to come down here and i am really excited to see her. She is going to have surgery on her new cancer mass this monday and i am kind of worried about it. i havent written about it too much because emotionally i am pretty shut down about the whole thing. I mean, i can say that i am worried about her, but i have a feeling that that is just the tip of the iceberg; that there are feelings in there that i am not feeling or facing or acknowledging. I don't know....
One thing thing that i feel bad about is, her hemoglobin is low, and she is going into surgery and everything, and i would like to be able to donate some blood for her but i am not up to it physically. I feel really bad about that. Of course, i dont even know if we are the same blood type, and then there is the question of all the meds i am on. Like, would they even be able to use my blood. Still, i would like to think that i would be able to donate blood or a kidney or something like that to a relative if it were needed. More incentive to get better, I guess.
In lieu of my blood, i did put my expansive nutritional knowledge to work this morning and walked down to the store and bought some iron rich foods- mollasses, dried apricots, pistachios- i have a recipie for a granola that gives you 26% of your rda for iron in one serving and i think i will make some for my mom so she can snack on; regular meals are hard for her because of her cancer treatments.
On the recovery front- i had a sesh with Hope yesterday and we taalked about how alot of my fears and anxieties are keeping me stuck in my ED. I have seen a couple of studies that said that a large percentage (i cant remember the exact number) of anorexics were diagnosed with an anxiety disorder 2 years prior to onset of the ed. Well, I first started therapy at 11 for anxiety and panic attacks, and didnt develop the ed until i was 13. so i guess that fits. My problem is, my anxiety gets so extreme that its hard to control it using the "skills" i've learned in therapy. they just aren't enough. And i can't take any benzodiazepines, i abuse them and get into trouble every time, which is too bad, cause they help the anxiety so much. i guess for me, the task lies in managing my day and not planning too many activities. But i also cant have too much down time either, because that makes me anxious, too. Oh how i would love to just BE!
I'm back on supplements and some fruits and veggies, and didn't purge or binge at all yesterday :) . Of course, i know this is not a long term plan, so i have gotten a referral from my doc to see a REAL LIVE dietician, and they will probably call to schedule the appointment sometime next week. I am nervous but ready for this step. Of course, the sick part of me is wondering how much weight i can lose before i get in to see her, so she will think that i am really sick and worthy of her help. Bah! Nonsense!
well, i should go clean some things before my mom gets here. Hope everyone has a nice day!

re my last post

k, so there is another reason i'm stalling on seeing a dietician. Please don't moan, groan, and condemn me for my crazy thinking, but here it is: I have an intense fear that the D will think I am too fat to need help. Like, she will look at my weight and say something like "you obviously don't need my help!". Seriously, i would just die. I know this is completely irrational, and wt is not always a determining factor in treatment, but i just put sooo much importance on that number (dont we all). If i had a nickel for every time i heard myself or someone else say "i'm too fat for treatment" Id have, well, a few dozen nickels.
In my personal world, there are only too possible body types for me: Hideously, sickly underweight, or disgustingly fat. There do not seem to be any other possibilities. So, since i am not currently disgustingly thin (even though im not up to target), i must be disgustingly fat. I dont seem to be able to see myself ant other way.
I wanted to write about some other stuff but have run out of time. My sis in law, susie, is on her way to pick me up forr a fun little day trip about wich i am very excited. I will do my best to leave ED at home :)

flatonmyface

well unfortunately the bulimia came back on sat, with a vengeance! 5x b/p sat, 6+ yesterday. So far today only once. Needless to say, i am very discouraged that i cant seem to get this under control again. My teeth hurt, my throat hurts, i feel like i have been hit by a truck. Oh, and i havent been writing down everything i have been eating for that one lady cause i have just been bingeing too much; it would just be too overwehlming. i havent been back to the Y anyway; i just have been too drained.
i did get some good news today, one ray of sunshine. Due to the "American Recovery and Reinvestment Act", everyone who gets social security or SSI gets a 250 dollar bonus payment next month! Yay! Of course, it's already spoken for due to costly car repairs that we just had to have done, but still, good news.
Well, back to business. I have to get back on track. I'm thinking more and more about trying to see a "real dietician". I'm just worried aboout getting a MP that will cause me to gain weight, which i'm not sure if i'm ready to do, or able to do witout freaking out emotionaly. If anyone has opinions or experiences with dieticians that they think might be helpful, please share? Love to all:)

beautiful day update

Well, it's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, and i made it through yesterday without purging! So if I make it through today, that would be 3 days in a row with no purging. Or, as my husband said to me this afternoon, WHEN I make it through today! Isn't he great; I just love him.

I was reading some of my very first blog entries the other day, and it struck me that none of them were about eating disorder stuff, not really. Of course, i started this blog before I relapsed, but it seems that once upon a time i had other things to share with the world besides my anxieties over weight/shape/food. Sad, it's only been a few months, but I can barely remember what that was like. So here, i'm gonna share some random non-ED related stuff:

My 2 year old, Annie, has this "dr cockroach" toy from mcdonalds, from the movie "Monsters vs Aliens". Anyways, this thing is hideous, i mean really ugly, and hard plastic to boot, but she insists on sleeping with it every night. Every time i put her to bed she says "where's my docta' cockroach". Did i mention that she has a new york accent? It's the cutest thing, but weird, since we live in Iowa!
Emma, my 7 year old, is getting really excited for when we move to Ames, because we have promised to get a cat. I am kind of excited, too. Of course, we will get one from the humane society. I am partial to tabby cats. We may even get 2; i haven't talked it over with chris yet. But can you believe, there is "pet rent"! What a bunch of crap! It's only like 20 or 30 dollars, but still! Like a cat can get a job to pay it's share.......
I seem to spend most of my time these days buying things and returning them. Kids clothes, mostly. I always think something will fit my kids, then i get it home and it doesn't, then i have to exchange it. Pain in the a**!
I dressed up for earth day on wed, kind of. I wore this shirt i got from victorias secret that says " save water" on the top and on the bottom says "share a shower". Only, i was a little worried that people might think i was being obscene. I'm kind of paranoid about stuff like that, especially since i was with my kids most of the day. I mean, i wasn't sure it was an appropriate "mommy" shirt. So i ended up tying a really styling knot in the shirt which made the bottom hard to read, so all you could really read was the part about saving water.
And i felt freaking cool all day.
Well, that is about all that is going on in my terribly exciting life. Love to all :)

oh holy crap

oh holy crap i'm not sure i can do this I have been trying to eat "real" food with my family tonight is day 2 last night went ok but for some reason tonight i am freaking out really really really want to purge!!!!!And all we had was a damned chef salad and some hummus i dont know what the deal is why i feel so full and FAT.......Ok ok i can do this i am NOT throwing up but this SUUUUCKS!! fortunately i have therapy at an unusually late hour today and am just about to leave for it so i can proccess it then i will be ok by the time i get home this feeling shall pass ok just breath you can do this

can i do this?

well, I took a step toward seeing a dietician (of sorts) today. A lukewarm, noncommital type step. But a step nonetheless.

Her name is Debbie, she is in charge of health promotions at the Y that i go to and she is also a personal trainer there. I see her there all the time and have had a few conversations with her about fitness/ working out /nutrition. It's a really small Y. Anyway, she told me today that they are going to have someone there in a few weeks who is doing a nutrition internship. She was asking me what my problem areas were with food and i went ahead and told her that i throw up. It was a huge risk for me, but she didn't react with disgust or act weird or anything, I told her basically that i wanted to have more energy, to be able to work out better, to be able to eat with my family, and i wanted a meal plan that would help me do that. Oh, yeah, and i don't want to gain any weight.
To my suprise, she thought this was possible. She thinks that the key for me is getting more protein. She wants me to write down everything i eat for a few days, and bring it to her next week so she can look it over and help me develop a plan(she doesnt think i shoould wait for the other lady to start working there; she thinks i need to get started now). So i'm going to write down what i'm eating, but i have to be careful, cause in the past food diaries have led to obsession.
I feel glad and kind of relieved that i've taken this new step. but part of me is freaking out. I'm already worrying about what she might add to my daily intake, and if i will be able to do it or not. And what if i do it, and i gain weight? Can I handle that? I feel like i am predicting my failure before i have even given it a chance.
well, first things first i guess. Wish me luck.

10 things

I have decided to take a break from all the gloom and doom and do the list of 10 questions that was on Kara's blog awhile back. So here you go...

1.What is one thing you want to learn to make before you die?
Really great, authentic Indian food. Curries and stuff. I'm almost there.

2.What is one thing you avoid doing for fear of humiliation?
Karaoke. I bet I would be really good at it, too!

3.If money weren't an issue, what is the first thing you would buy?
A HOUSE! I want a house so bad! One with a beautiful yard for my kids to play in.

4.What is your favorite blog post that you have written?
"flashback 1998", cause it felt good to share that experience. Or maybe the post where i wrote about buying sugarfree Rockstar with foodstamps. Oh the shame!

5.Would you rather have a personal chef or a personal trainer?
Hmm, tough. Trainer, i guess. I mean, i work out, but i dont really know what i'm doing.

6.What is one weird quirk that you have?
I dont wash my fruits and vegetables, on purpose. Except mushrooms, cause the're grown in poo.

7.If you could invent any kind/breed of animal, what would it be?
A whale that when full grown would be only about 6 inches, so you could keep one for a pet. I think that would be cool.

8.What is the first movie you ever cried in?
Planet of the Apes, original version. The part when Charlton Heston and Linda Harrison were riding down the beach and found the statue of liberty and realized that they had been on earth the whole time. I was 10. It blew my mind.

9.What are a few of your greatest fears and have they happened?
My daughter Emmaa being kidnapped to bosnia by Zlatko, my evil ex. No, it hasn't happened, thank goodness! I just worry, cause he holds her passport.
I fear that i will unintentionally kill myself due to my eating disorder. That hasn't happened yet, either. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

10.What do you want right now, this very minute?
to lose 20 pounds, instantly. Sad, considering the last question. But i'm just being honest.


Anybody who wants to do this list can be tagged. It was kind of a fun diversion. Love to all, L.