huge long post

Hmm, I have so much to blog about that I don't know where to start. I will start with telling you all about a breakthrough that I had while soaking myself in the tub the other night. It goes as follows:
I was in the tub just thinking and I kept on having thoughts about wanting to overdose. And I have so much medication on hand, you know I could get the job done. Anyways, I was thinking aboout od'ing, and it was not the first time lately that I was thinking about it. But as I sat there thinking about it, I realized that I didn't want to die, for sure. What did I want, then? I realized that every time I go through a major deppression, I usually end up in the hospital. Either I let my eating disorder get really bad, or I od, or I start talking about suicide and someone committs me. So, I end up in the hospital. Where I am safe.
So the other night in the tub I was realizing this and wondering if the urge to overdose was not really a death wish, but a desire to do something so I could get to a place of safety and get some relief from this deppressive "crisis". However, realizing that at this point in my life, my goal is to stay out of the hospital, it seemed to me that a new question was presenting itself. That is: can I create in my everyday life some of the feelings of safety and calmness and relief and stucture that I find so soothing in an inpatient setting. Is there anything I can do to get that need met, so that I dont have to seek it by doing something drastic.

I hope this is all making sense to you. It makes sense in my mind but is difficult to explain. Basically, I am trying to avoid going into the hospital for my deppression by trying to use some of the experiences you have in the hospital and build them into my daily structure.

For instance: art therapy. I bought myself an art journal and am going to collage and sketch in it to get through some feelings of deep deppression and such.
I am going to see my T twice a week. Actually, i have a rough patch comming up soon, because K will be in hawaii for 2 weeks. But when she gets back I am seeing her twice a week.
I am going to get time to myself every day to relax. I will most likely lay down in my room and listen to soothing music.
I am going to make more of an effort to connect to people in my life and build a support system. This will get me through in between therapy sessions. That doesnt mean I am just going to talk to my friends all about my problems. I mean, just relating with people and hanging out and such.
I am going to take time each morning to plan my day, look at the structure of the day and what I have to do. That way I can see trouble spots and things that might overwhelm me and plan on how to deal with them.
I AM REALLY GOING TO TRY HARD WITH FOOD! I did really greatwith food thursday and friday, which resulted in some weight gain, but I am trying not to freak out about it. I made an appt with the dietitian in my therapists office, then found out that my insurance wouldn't cover it. But I am going to see DR Sean this week and maybe he can refer me to someone.

Well, thats about it on that one. I shared with K the realiziation I had in the tub about not really wanting to die, just wanting to feel safe, but also not wanting to go into the hospital. She was really proud of me for figuring that out and admiting it, and being willing to try something new rather then the same old pattern. She was the one that helped me come up with the plans I wrote about above.

Ok, another big announcement. I know this is already a long post, but I wanted to share with you all that I JOINED A GYM! It's a big step for me. I needed to do it, though, for several reasons. First, I really don't like the way my body looks right now. But realisticly, I am at a healthy weight for my height and age. So I was thinking, If I could do weight training and get toned, rather then focus on losing weight, I could be healthy and happy about how I look.
Also, they have a really great kid's room. its like one of those McDonalds playlands. I took the girls there today and they LOVED IT! Didn't want to leave. So, now I can get time alone. Heck, I could take them there and just sit in the sauna and read a book if I wanted!
I am kind of worried about it too, though. A little part of me is worried that I will get into trouble excercising and not eating enough, and start having health problems like I did last year. That is one reason I really need to see a dietitian.

Oh, yes, and it cost me $930!!!!! But that is for 18 months for chris and I though. But I also have to pay 30 a month for the kids room. So I am still in shock about the money. Let's just say this is my birthday and christmas present. My mom is going to pay for some of it, too.

I think that working out regularly will help me get grown up time to myself, burn off some anxiety, ease my deppression, and help me feel better about my body. i'm looking forward to it.

Well, thanks for reading through this whole thing. i would love to hear anybody's thoughts on any of this.
I am still undecided about shocks over xmas break.