post turkey day

I haven't felt much like writing lately. i guess things are going ok. I have had almost 7 days in a row that i felt stable mentally and emotionaly. So that is good.
I had a pretty good Thanksgiving. Relaxing, despite all the travel. Got to see most of my family.

Body image is at a low right now. i have gained MORE weight (thanksgiving) and am suspicious that I am now overweight. I almost weigh as much as I did when I was discharged from the ED program at UIHC (evil hell). I am really tempted to restrict and lose weight right now.

I had a really spiritual experienca at church yesterday. It is kind of hard to explain. We were taking communion and the pastor had just talked about all that the Savior bore for us on the cross and how he endured all things and there is nothing he can't help us with. As I was having communion I was thinking about my ED and how I really want to just turn it over to God. Part of me is scared to do this (i like to control everything) but part of me was filled with hope and had a glimpse of what it would be like if I let God help me learn to love myself and accept my body. It was a thrilling notion: what if I didn't have to hate myself anymore? What if I could let this all go; what would my life be like? Then of course, part of me got scared. i am kind of like that disciple (I can't remember which one) who was walking on the water towards Jesus and he was doing ok until he took his eyes off the Lord and saw the waves and got scared and started to sink. I feel a thrill of hope, but it is gone as soon as the eating disorder steps in and hisses negativity in my ear. I need to have more faith. oh well, I am a work in progress.

Hmm, what else. I have most of my Christmas shopping done already. I get a little excited about the holidays and tend to dive right in as soon as thanksgiving is over (or in this case even before that). Oh, and Chris and i got up at 3 am on black friday do go shopping! it was a little crazy, but we got some good deals. I usually go black friday shopping by myself, so it was kind of fun to go with Chris.

I am glad that I am not doing the shock treatments. i am really looking forward to just spending some quality time with the family over Christmas break. i am more at peace with the decision not to do the treatments, especially now that my mood is improved.

Well that is about it. I did also want to say that I am still reading everyones blogs but am really struggling to come up with good and thoughtful comments. Like, my brain has been turned off and I feel I have nothing to contribute. hopefully this will pass. but I am still reading and care deeply about you all.

All around the house

Time to bore you with Christmas pictures. Here are the candy cane cookies and the gingerbread I made. The gingerbread turned out tasting strongly of molasses and the girls didn't like it. i thought it was ok but not my favorite.
These are some cinnamon ornaments I made. They smell so good!

Here is our lovely tree. We can't have a real one in out apartment, but this artificial one is ok.

This is the nativity set we had when i was a kid. My mom gave it to me. The girls love to set it up.

Some peppermint sticks and some tin candleholders that are kind of hard to see in this picture.

My friend Linda gave me this fiber-optic gingerbread house. It changes colors as it glows.

Just a few Christmas things.

Kind of a goofy snowman my mom gave me.

A few more Christmas things and pics of my girls. Aren't they cute?

And the stockings. I made them all except mine, the one on the left.


Ok, ok, I'm done for now.

no shocks for me

well, I drove to Waterloo last night for pretty much nothing. Dr T said he would be really uncomfortable doing the ECT's if he could not follow me afterward. He was also really uncomfortable with me not having a psyhiatrist and just getting my meds from a primary care doc. He had several suggestions for what he thought I should do. He thought I should have Dr. S inrease my Pristiq. I am at the max FDA approved dose, but doctor T said he has several patients taking more.

Dr T said "I'm not saying 'no' to ECT's. I just think you should try this first. If you still want ECT's call me and we'll talk about it.".

Well, I wasn't completely sold on the ECT's in the first place. Chris is the one that really wants me to get them. I guess if the doctor had said "sure lets set them up" I would have done it, but I wasn't about to try to talk him into a treatment that I wasn't sure I wanted. I guess this means i'm not getting them.

So I'm a little relieved, and apprehensive all at once. I was looking at shock treatments as kind of a fall back plan.

Well, the good news is the last 2 days I have been feeling a little better. i've had some moments, but overall the trend has been up.

We decorated our apartment for Christmas today and I must say it looks outstanding! I made candy cane cookies and gingerbread (the cake kind). I love Christmas! i will post some pictures soon.

My therapist asked me if Thanksgiving is hard for me (because of all the food). I don't think it is worse than any other day. I mean, I have to face food every day. Sometimes I have success, and sometimes I turn to ED behaviors. Thanksgiving will be no different. I hope I will do good, and certainly will do my best, but if I end up purging I am not going to beat myself up over it. I'm not going to let that ruin the holiday. I am more excited about being with family and having a nice time.

Hope everybody has a nice Thanksgiving!

issues

thanks for the support :). I am feeling somewhat better, although shaky. I saw Dr. Sean yesterday and he thinks the increased anxiety/symptoms is due to the deep childhood issues that I am digging up with my therapist. His suggestion was to back off on that stuff until I am more stable. He is concerned that I am not emotionally strong enough to handle tough therapy right now and i could deteriorate to the point that I might need to be hospitalised. He also increased my Buspar, wich isn't really a big deal. I don't think it does anything for me anyway.

So, I already know what my therapist is going to say about all this. She is of the mind that I depend too much on medication and I need to work on these really deep, tough issues if I am going to achieve a full recovery.

The problem is, I agree with both of them.

It strikes me that I should have worked on these things when I was in IP. Like, when I was in a safe environment where it would be ok if therapy left me a weepy mess for the rest of the day because there were no responsibilities or sharp objects. What the hell did i spend my time in IP working on, anyway? Well, in UIHC (evil hell), individual therapy is not part of the program. So you can't really get into much there. I don't really remember what I worked on the 3 months I was at the Center for Change. I think I did some anger work. And then there was the usual "I'm so fat! Weight gain sucks!". What a waste of time. I tell you, if I had another opportunity like that, I would not waste it. Well, I don't think I wasted it. Just didn't take full advantage.

Oh, want to know what my dad said the other day that upset me so bad? Well he called and asked how I was doing and I decided to tell him the truth. Well he cut me off and just went on and on about how I wasn't close to the Lord and that's why I'm having all these problems. How all I need to do is pray and read the word and I will be healed. I told him i do that stuff, but he just laughed it off like I don't have enough faith or I would be healed already. So basically it's my fault I'm sick because I don't have enough faith.
But it's not even that he just told me this. I mean, he went ON and ON for like 30 minutes, whithout me even talking. He usually goes on and on about God like that, which is why I only call him about once a week. I just can't handle it. I just don't want to hear it from him. He drinks and smokes pot daily (he grows it for a living). About a year ago he says this "cross" just appeared to him in his right field of vision and it's some kind of sign or gift from God. He goes on and on about it and how blessed he is blah blah blah. He sees the cross all the time. He thinks he is spiritually superior to just about everybody and if you try to explain to him that you, too, have a relationship with the Lord he kind of scoffs at you like you have no idea what it's REALLY all about. ALso one day while he was reading the book of John he said it just "opened up" and he saw it played out in a vision and it explained all these things about God's plan and the end of the world and he doesn't know why God chose him to witness this but it must be because he is so spiritually in tune or something.
WHen my dad goes on and on about this stuff to me it is like listening to a crazy person talke and I get sick in my stomach. Sometimes I just hold the phine away from my ear because I can't handle it. So you can imagine how it felt to hear him combine his religious fanaticism/delusions with telling me that my suffering was my fault. It sucked.

I feel really bad for writing all that stuff about my dad. Like I am betraying him, or something. Even though I know he will never read this. I just felt like I wanted to get it out.

I hope he never reads this! I don't know how he would, he never uses a computer. I may delete this later. It would really hurt him if he knew I had these thoughts about him.

I'm going to Waterloo to see the ECT doc on mon. Just for an evaluation. My sister in law works with someone who had ECT and said it made her like a new person. I would like to be a new person.

ongoing

ok. lately I feel like my blog is turning into a chronicle of my mental messed-upness. So sorry about that. Today I am afraid it's just going to be more of the same.

I think I really threw something off when I cut back on my meds the other day. I feel a little better since I went back on the full dose, but I'm still not quite right. It's hard to explain. Let me lay out the symptoms:

1. I am extremely agitated.
2. I "startle" at even small noises. Like, the clattering of dishes makes me tense up or run to my room to "take a break".
3. Very sensitive to most stimuli. Even taking showers is hard because the feeling of water hitting my skin sends me into panic.
4. Extreme and inappropriate anger. Feel this rage bubbling under my skin. Am frequently slamming my fist into my thigh or stomping the floor hard with my feet. Sounds childish, but I cant control it.
5. Of course, very depressed. I think I am more depressed because of the other symptoms and how hard it is just to function and get through the day.

I have been spending alot of time in my room (when chris is home to watch the girls) curled up in my bed listening to soothing songs on my ipod and clutching my blankie. Yes, I now have a blankie. Sounds silly, but it actually helps me relax. I guess as long as I dont start taking it out in public it's ok.
I haven't been going to the gym as much lately because all of the stimulus there is just too much. The lights and mirrors and all the people. All the movement. It's a bummer cause I paid through the nose for my membership. i am going to try to go today with Chris. I really am fighting this, I can't let it control/end my life.
Along those lines, I had a minor triumph yesterday. Last week I had met a really nice woman named Jasmine at playpals. She has a little boy who is Annie's age, and a baby boy. She just moved here from France and doesn't really know anyone. I invited her and the kids over for a playdate. So yesterday was the day of the playdate and I woke up feeling very awful. I didn't know how I was going to go through with it and was tempted to cancel. How could I control my anger, my anxiety? That, plus make conversation and be a good hostess. It seemed impossible and I called her up to cancel. But when she answered the phone, I changed my mind and just said that I was calling to make sure she was still coming. So they came over and we had a really nice time.
Ok i intended to write more about that but my dad just called and really upset me so i have to go (room, ipod, blankie). I will probably post again after my doctor's appointment this afternoon.
I love you all thanks for the continued support!!!!!!

ok, new plan

Still going to go the hard route in therapy, working on the deep issues and stuff.

BUT>>>>

NOT going off my meds, or even cutting back, for now. Today was just a really bad experience and reminded me why I take all these meds in the first place! I was a crazy, unstable ball of emotions, anxiety, inappropriate anger, ect. It was like being on a rollercoaster ride from hell!

The first realization that I came to was that this would be the worst possible time of the year to cut back on meds. I mean, the Xmas season is stressful for everyone, right? And I want to have a really, REALLY nice Xmas. It is my favorite time of the year. And not just for me, but I think my children deserve to have nice memories of fun christmas times, not mom bawling in the corner. So, maybe after christmas, and when I am a little ffurther along in therapy, i might try again to get off some meds. but not now.

That brings up another thing that I thought about today, that Now also touched on. If i am doing really hard work in therapy, I might need the meds to keep me from totally flipping out when things get rough. Maybe going off the meds and doing tough therapy at the same time is too much to bite off.

I'm going to talk to the doctor on friday about some of my experiences I had today on the low dose. I'm kind of wondering if there isn't something else wrong with me besides depression and anxiety.

ok, thats it.

ok, what I'm gonna do instead....

so I decided that going completely off 2 antipychotic medications at the same time was probably not a good idea! So last night I just cut both doses in half. Still, I have alot of anxiety today, so it's a good thing I did not cut them out completely.

Still, I'm feeling really good about this. It was like I was facing down a fork in the road. Down one path, I could cocoon deeper into my world of medications and shock treatment and stay "comfortably numb" and never face my issues. On the other path, the harder one, i could choose to feel. To hurt. To grow up. To face my fears. I guess I am choosing the hard path, but with the hope that it will eventually lead me to a place where I can love myself, thrive, live a full life, ect.

I guess it's kind of like if you had an injury, and you chose to do a course of grueling, painful rehab instead of sitting in a wheelchair popping Lortabs and nursing your injury. Yes, rehab excercises suck, they hurt, and they are time-consuming. But you do them so that in time you can regain full function.

I don't want to live the rest of my life emotionally and psychologically crippled!

So, back to the meds, I am trying to do the responsible thing and just taper off. This totally goes against my all-or-nothing, impulsive personality. But I guess I will have a little more credibility with my doctor if I go in there and tell him I am tapering back, instead of just going off the meds cold turkey. Also, even though I am feeling good about this now, I couldn't shrug off the possibility that I might go into withdrawl and completely crack up and leave my poor husband to pick up the pieces. So all in all I think I made a good choice.

I haven't purged since Saturday. I even went out to eat fot lunch today and had ribs and icecream! I just ate until I was mildly full then stopped. It was really nice. I am working a bit on loving, accepting, and appreciating my body. I have started with my feet. I rub lotion on them, think about how they allow me to get around and excercise, and thank them for all they do for me. I think when I have this down and feel fully accepting of my feet, I will move on to my calves/lower legs. I am definately not ready to confront my stomache yet!

Well, thats about it.

what I'm gonna do

I'm not going to do the ECT's. I may not even go to the appointment next week with the doctor in waterloo who does them. Actually, I had better go, or Chris will be disappointed that I ddn't at least check it out.

I am going to stop taking my Seroquel and Risperidone, starting tonight. I will inform my doctor of this when I see him on fri, but if he doesn't like it, too bad.

I am going to see my therapist twice a week and we are going to work on finding ME. The me underneath the eating disorder, the depression, the mental illness. The me that maybe never was, that I have to create. I just don't think I can do this kind of therapy on such heavy medicatons.

It may be hard, and i'm scared. There are going to be some rough days ahead. But there should be some exciting, wonderful breakthroughs as well, so it will be worth it.

At least thats what I'm banking on.

cheap clothes/expensive haircut

I went to the Salvation Army the other day in search of clothes and got some sweet deal! I got these shirts....
...and these (my husband LOVES 100 grands)....

and these four pairs of jeans for Annie and a hoodie for Emma, plus a belt and some CHristmas things, for $24! I even asked the checkout girl if she got everything and she said yes. I got home and added up the prices of everything and it should have been like $36. I overheard the checkout girl tell someone else that she is the one who prices everything, som maybe she gave me a break! Well, I am super stoked! You might wonder why I am buying tanktops in late fall. I like to wear them over long sleeved white t-shirts. It's sort of my thing.

And here is the new haircut! I looove it (try to ignore my goofy smile)! I can slick it down or wear it in a really cute faux hawk.

I was trying to grow my hair out, but it was just looking really ucky. I'm so glad i had it cut, I feel all young and hip now! Not that long hair isn't young and hip, but if you could have seen MY hair, you would know what I am talking about.

I FEEL SO HAPPY!

therapy grinds on

today has been a tough one. Had therapy and just about cried my eyes out the entire time. My therapist was digging into my beliefs underneath the ED and all this self-hatred and self-loathing came out. I never started out liking myself very much, and now I have so much bitter dissappointment in myself. I look at all the years wasted in the eating disorder and what it has reduced me to. I have so much regret. Sometimes when I am dropping my husband of on campus and I see all the students walking around I just feel like such a failure. I see all these young people and wonder how they can do it and I cant. i don't know what it is that makes them better than me or more capable. They just are.
Dealing with the underlying issues is tough. Eventhough I have been in therapy for 19 years, I have spent suprisingly little time working on these things. Most of the time I have been in therapy it has just been managing the day to day crisis that come up. Even when i have been in IP it seems like we just scratch the surface, but there are always more practical things to talk about, like how to avoid relapse and making a treatment plan and stuff like that.
Emma is home from school today and the girls are about driving me crazy! I have them playing with home made playdough right now and it's bought me a little time to myself. Also today we have made some pretty cute turkeys out of brown paper bags and construction paper (for thanksgiving).
I might be in a group therapy study. I'm not sure, I have an assesment next week. If i get in I might get paid some sweet moolah! It is a study about using group therapy to overcome a grudge. I have one specifically that I need to work on, so maybe this will be good for me.

We talked a little bit in therapy about God's role in my recovery. It was difficult to admit, but I don't really talk to Him much about my ED. I mean, I do pray to stop purging. But I can't bring myself to turn it all over to Him. If I said an honest prayer, it would go like this "dear Lord, please help me to stop bingeing and purging. But don't help me with the anorexia, because i'm not ready to give it up. I wish I could trust that You could make me happy at a healthy weight, but I don't. Does that make me a bad person?". That's just where I'm at right now. i can't even fathom what it would take for me to love myself at a healthy weight. Maybe God is the only way I could get there. i just need to find a way to trust and accept the help.

new addiction

I am absolutely hooked on these things! They are called sugar pears. You can't really tell from the picture, but they are tiny, like the size of a plum or apricot. A bonus is that they look really great in a bowl in the kitchen, kind of like home decor you can eat. They have a really delicious, sweet flavor that is kind of like honey. I am not usually a fruit lover (prefer veggies) but these little guys have won me over! I was also thinking of giving them as christmas gifts, like to Emma's teacher and the postman and the like. I think they would look really festive in a decorative box or a cello bag with a nice bow.
Ok, enough about the pears.

I have not purged since saturday! That's two days in a row! Woot! I am really working hard on this because I just want to be free of it. Head in the toilet is no way to go through life. I am still struggling with the restricting, though. Since the most recent weight gain I am feeling sooo uncomfortable in my body. I want to lose weight really bad. Rationally, I know this will not help me, just keep me stuck, but you know old habits die hard.
I am going to see a dietitian but my insurance won't cover it I can only see het twice. Oh well that's better than nothing I guess. Maybe she can help me get some more structure to my eating. I really would like to eat regularly, if only I knew I wouldn't keep gaining weight. Maybe my metabolism is low from all the years of starving. If this is true, resticting is only going to make it worse.

Today is day four on the increased dose of methylP. I feel really great and am hopeful that we have finally found something that works! I am considering not doing the shock treatments. But I am still keeping the appointment with the doctor, just in case. One thing about the methylP that is problematic is that since it is an amphetamine it suppresses my appetite. I have really noticed it since the dose increase. To be honest a big part of me is pleased about this, but the healthy part of me knows that this is not a good thing. It is just too easy to listen to ED tell me not to eat when I am not even hungry anyway.

Well that is about it for now. Emma is home sick today so we are stuck in the house (except I get to get out later today to go to the dentist-yay!). I think I am going to do some much needed cleaning and packing some things to go to the thrift store.

Here is a collage of positive things that made to cheer myself up! Enjoy!

Have a great day!

looking up

Today was the best day I have had in a really long time! Actually, yesterday was pretty good, too. The increased dose of methylphenadate has really helped- I feel great and don't have that huge crash in the afternoon.
I went to church this morning and can i just say I LOVE my new church! I really feel like I am being nourished spiritually every time I go. I leave feeling strengthened and invigorated. I used to dread sundays; now they are my favorite day of the week.
After church I went to Barnes&Noble and got the book "Goodbye Ed, Hello Me". It's by the same lady who wrote "Life Without Ed". I am super excited to read it.
Chris and I finished a project we were working on for my mom. Yesterday when we were at the lake I found a piece of driftwood that had been beaver chewed on both ends. I got the idea to stain it and drill some hooks into it and give it to my mom to hang as a coat holder or whatever. My mom really likes beaver chewed wood for some reason and collects it at her cabin. Anyway, Chris helped me drill in the hooks and we finished it today. It turned out really nice and I am super excited to give it to my mom.
Well, that's about it for today. I hope the methylP keeps working because finally i feel happy :)

Motivation

Well, here's the happy couple!

Chris and I actually got to go out on a date last night. We went to the Indai Palace for some yummy curry. Then we went to the mall and then to Old Chicago for desert. Then we stopped for a bit at Borders and just looked around. It was just weird doing all of this without kids! Like, I could just look at whatever book I wanted without having to worry if it was my turn to relieve Chris watching the girls in the kids section.
Kind of sad that the first place I go to in Borders is the psychology/self-help section. Well, we all have our areas of intrest, I guess.
Ayways, I made it through the whole date (and afterward) without purging. So all in all it was a good night.

Well, I got my labs back, and i was disappointed to see that my thyriod is normal. Disappointed, because depression caused by and underactive thyroid is an easy fix. The only thing really of note was that I am mildly anemic (who isn't) and a little low on potassium. Since i continue to purge, Dr Sean wrote a standing order for me to have my potassium checked. So I guess if I am feeling crappy I can go into the clinic without an appointment and have the lab drawn. I have never heard of such a thing, but I guess it is convenient. Dr. S also doubled my methylphenadate. He said that that way it would stay in my system longer and I would not crash so hard in the afternoons. So we'll see how that works.

I got on the scale tonight and discovered that since I have been going to the gym I have gained 5 big ones. I was a bit dismayed (weeping, gnashing of teeth). I don't know. My motivation to stay in recovery (from anorexia, unfortunately I'm still in the bulimia) is wavering. Actually, it kind of wavers from day to day. On the one hand, I am proud of myself for restoring weight on my own. This is the highest weight I have maintained since my illness began. I have weighed more, post-pregnancy and post-treatment, but that was always a transitory weight and I was always on my way down. Right now, I am maintaining a healthy weight for no other reason then that i have decided to really, REALLY try to do this recovery thing.
On the other hand, i absolutely HATE LOATHE ABHOR my body right now and want to go into a coma and wake up when I am thin. So, I go back and forth. Skip lunch, but eat an extra large dinner out of guilt. Skip dinner, but lay awake at night thinking about my actions and eventually get up and have some dry cereal and V8. Back and forth. Usually, health wins out.

I really need to get the purging under control. Shock treatments can effect your elecrolytes, and they don't like to do them if you are purging. I have an upcoming appointment with a dietitian. We'll see in that helps.

no title

I just wanted to say that I had a really great birthday. I may blog about it later if I feel up to it. Today has not been so good. I don't even know anymore.

hello from Monday

well, we had a pretty good Haloween. I just have to say that there is a ton of candy in our house right now and i am having kind of a hard time with it. Both of our girls did trick or treat and trunk or treat, so they each have 2 full bags of candy. Also yesterday, for reasons that I still don't undrstand, except that maybe it was just such a good deal, I bought 2 HUGE bags of candy that was 50% off. So yeah, we got candy.

I had a REALLY hard time getting out of bed this morning. I just feel this huge sense of dread, like I just don't want to face the day.

Did I mention that I have decided to get the ECT's? Well, I have an appointment to see my old psychiatrist that does them, but it's not until the 23rd. Anyway, when I told Chris he did this little "happy dance". Great. You know things are not going well when your husband gets all excited that you are going to get shock treatments. Ok, reframe : Chris loves me and is worried about me and is probably just happy that i have decided to pursue a treatment that could help me feel better.

Ok, I had better list some positives:

The sun is shining today.
I am going to the gym pretty soon. That always helps me feel better.
I had the urge to binge/purge this morning but didn't do it. Go me!
My therapist is back after a 2 week vacay and I see her today!
My apartment is relatively clean.
I have two of the cutest, sweetest girls ever!

Well, I am startig to feel like I should get out of my pj's and go to the gym.

In case I dont post tomorrow, tomorrow is my birthday! So everyone please send be good birthday vibes :).
Love you all!