discouragement

Oh holy crap. Things are not going well at all. I love Emma dearly and am so glad she is home but I have forgotten what a handful she can be. And with no school for her it is just nonstop craziness around here. The girls fight almost constantly. When they are not fighting they are running around the house being wild and crazy. Excuse me, not house, but apartment. As in small apartment.
My nerves are shot. I think I have lost all my marbles. We had to go to Wal-Mart today, and I was the mom yelling at her kids in the middle of the store. In Wal-Mart. So sad.
I have been trying to get the girls outside to run off some of their energy. Yesterday I took then frog catching and berry picking, but they just whined and complained about the bugs and weeds the whole time. You would have thought it was the Battan Death March or something. But we did get enough berries for a pie, and I let the girls help me make the crust, and when I was done there was leftover dough that I let Annie just play with with the rolling pin. She was so cute rolling out her own piece of dough. And I took the girls to story time at the library yesterday and that went well. So I guess there are times when things aren't so bad and crazy.

Being a good parent is extra challenging for me because I just don't have the temperament for it. I was not given the gifts of patience, longsuffering, ect. My "distress tolerance" skills are seriously lacking. Every day I feel like I am on a big scary rollercoaster or having a ten hour panic attack. Some of my sisters-in-law have like 4 kids and babysit other kids on top of it and seem to be doing just fine. I will never be that woman. What comes naturally for some women, I have to work extra hard for.

One thing I am blessed with is an abundance of love for my children. I think this is the only thing keeping me going. My love for the girls is what makes me slow down often throughout the day to pray for patience to get through just one more shopping trip, mealtime, or playdate. It's what helps me sit down and read to the girls when what I really want to do is get on facebook. It's why I got out of bed this morning and made pancakes, instead of sleeping in (but i did go back to bed, though).

My recovery is not going so well lately. Perhaps in response to the stress, I have been purging quite a bit. I have been maintaining my weight though, but not really on purpose. At the store today I was so stressed out I bought a box of jujy fruits. Was it a healthy choice? No. Will I eat the whole box today? Probably.

I do have something to look forward to tommorrow, though. Tomorrow I am taking Annie to my mother in law's and Emma and I are going to spend the whole day together a Backbone park. Swimming, hiking, cave exploring, picnicking, just the two of us. I think she really needs some alone time with me. And the weather is supposed to be nice.

Sorry this post has been so negative. Please, nobody point out the obvious fact that I was waiting so long for Emma to come back and now I am complaining about her. And please, no comments about what a bad, ungreatful mom I am. I already feel it. Great, now I'm almost crying. I feel so ashamed! If you pray, please pray for me that I might rise to the many challenges of being a parent, and be worthy of these precious little ones that God has given me. Love you all.

just a fun day!

Today was the BEST DAY EVER! First of all, Emma came home! Hooray!

Then we went to Fontaina park. It is A nice little park with a live wildlife exhibit (including bears!) and a learning center. Above is Emma at a display in the learning center. Below is a picture of a live snake that I spotted hiding out in the buffalo's beard. How crazy is that?

After checking out the animals, bolth stuffed and live, we threw rocks in the water for awhile and just mucked around.

Here is a crawdad I caught. The girls were very impressed!

Then we built a fire and roasted hotdogs and marshmallows and made smores. I burnt my finger, but other than that it was tons of fun.

Oh, and bolth of my girls were zapped by the electric fence at the deer and buffalo exhibit. It was a little traumatic. But they recovered quickly.

I am so exhausted, but it was totally worth it! Today was a perfect day!

distraction

Ok so obviously I was overreacting. World War III has not broken out overnight (but north Korea did fire six ballistic missiles this morning) and there is no reason Emma shouldn't make it home safely this evening. Still, I am a little nervous and have been trying to stay busy this morning to keep my mind off things. First, I slept really late (and had a dream that I was bleeding to death from my rectum, ewww). Then I took Annie for a stroll in the rain with our umbrellas. She got a new Tinkerbell umbrella for her birthday and wanted to try it out. Then we came back home and played like a gazillion rounds of "dont break the ice", followed by some "don't spill the beans". Then we put on some music and Annie put on a dress up dress and we danced for a little bit. After that, I blew up some baloons and we played that game where you try to keep the baloons in the air, which was lots of fun. Now I am running out of steam; it has been quite the busy morning around here. All fun stuff, though.

Sucks that it is raining; we were going to have a BBQ today. Well, hopefully it will clear up.
Happy 4th of July everyone!

FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW!

oh my gosh I am freaking out! I was just watching the news and they said there is some danger of north korea nuking hawaii this weekend or some crazy crap like that! And all I can think of is Emma is flying home this weekend and I know it is a completely different part of the world but what if something happens and all planes get grounded CRAP CRAP CRAAAAAAP! I know I am catastrophising and it could all be nothing but if there is going to be some kind of crazy war I want Emma home! I just want her HOOOOME! Why did I let her GOOOOO!
I need a XANAX RIGHT NOW too bad I don't have any should I take extra seroquel tonight or just use my so-called skills- I don't know I am shaking the only thing keeping me together is writing in this blog I feel like I want to puke not in an ED way just feel sick.
OK OK hopefully everything will be ok Emma's flight leaves at 7:40 their time I think that is about 12:40 am this morning(tonight) our time so she will hopefully be in the air she gets into frankfrt germany at 2:15 our time sat then flies out for chicago 5:45 am. Ok so now that I have looked at this logically, she will likely be in the air before anything happens, IF it happens. Ok, feeling slightly better. Must remember that me freaking out will not change any of this. I will certainly be praying tonight...anyone else who prays please pray that my Emma gets home safe tomorrow. And pray for this crazy world we are living in, it just seems to be getting worse and worse...and why am I watching a news story about " binkini fireworks" when there is so much more important news going on? GEEEZ!

donut

Chris had the day off today so we got to spend some time together which was nice. This morning we put Annie in the stroller and went for a really long walk. The we bolth ran errands, and I did a little packing and cleaning. Borring stuff.
We went out this afternoon in search of a donut cutter. It's like a cookie cutter in the shape of a circle with a circle in the middle. I want to make raised donuts. Now that I am doing better and allowing myself to eat "fear foods" I am OBSESSED with my deep fat fryer, which had been collecting dust in the closet. Last week I made potato chips and onion rings. I was thinking of having some family over and frying donuts. How fun would that be!
Anyway, we could not find a donut cutter anywhere, not even Bed Bath and Beyond. They even had bamboo toast tongs! But no donut cutter! Whatever...

The reality of the move is starting to set in and i am feeling a little overwhelmed. Our landlords dropped off this list of how exactly they want everything cleaned and holy crap it's going to be alot of work! But my mother in law is going to help me clean, so hopefully it won't be too bad.

I am REALLY excited to see Emma. I even had a dream last night that she was home. Oh, I talked to her today and she said that her grandma threw a big rock at her for no reason and it hit her in the shoulder. She said she started to cry, and her grandma just laughed, and then her grandpa started to comfort her and yelled at her grandma in Bosnian! What the heck is wrong with these people? I guess now I know why Zlatko is such a turd. Emma said that he has been going out all day with his girlfriend (fiancee?) and not coming back until after she is in bed. So Emma has basically been left with her grandparents every day, and they don't speak english! This makes me sad and angry. I just want her home. It is going to be a loooong time before I let her go to Bosnia again, if ever.

Well, thats about it for now. I hope everyone has a happy 4th of july! I know it sounds cheesy, but think about declaring "independence" from your eating disorder, even if only for one day. Yeah that is pretty cheesy. sheesh.

weight blah blah blah

I went raspberry picking today, by myself, along this bike trail. It was pretty nice, the weather was beautiful. Everything was perfect except maybe for the fact that someone had been there before me and picked almost all the ripe berries! Oh, well, I did get some. Not enough for a pie, though, so I think I will just freeze them intil I figure out what to do with them.

Emma is coming home on sunday! Actually she is getting into town on saturday but it will be late, so I wont pick her up until sunday. I tried to find a "welcome home" sign at the party store, but they didn't have any, so I got some poster board and I'm going to make one myself. Probably Annie will help out. I am so excited to see my Emma! Heck, Im just excited for her to be back in our hemisphere! And now our summer can really begin!

I saw my D today, and made my next appointment for 2 weeks from now. It will be my last appointment. I'm not sure if I will find a new D when I move. I guess it will depend on how I am doing. Ok, so we weighed me and I am up a pound and a half since last week. I know that is not much but I am kind of worried about it. I mean, what if I just keep gaining? I talked to Mary (the D) about thhis and she said that even though I am still on the low end of normal BMI wise, it wouldn't hurt to pick a "danger weight", or a weight which i feel is to high and maybe then start a food journal and look at cutting back (if i hit the danger weight). Well, I told her that my danger weight was 5 pounds ago and she just laughed. But that's really how I feel. I couldn't imagine gaining more weight.
It's hard for me to get to a stable, appropriate intake. I have lots of experience restricting, and lots of experience eating to gain weight, but it is hard for me to gauge what I might need to just maintain. To help me out, Mary gave me some sample menus for cetain calorie ranges. I was thrilled to see that diet soda was an option for evey lunch and dinner! I think that was because the menus are mostly for diabetics, though.

I'm feeling really tempted to restrict and lose weight. I'm kind of getting through it by "putting it off". When I really start to think about restricting I tell myself I won't for one more day, and if I still want to restrict tommorrow I can. But I tell myself the same thing tomorrow, too. So that way, I never end up restricting, but still feel like it's an option, which is comforting to me somehow.

Oh, well that's about it for now.

not much going on

hmm, dont really know what to write about today. Still plugging along! I worked out today and got seriously hit on by this one guy, who asked me if I was marrried and told me to tell my husband he was "married to a fine-lookin' woman". It was a compliment, but I also felt kind of inrtuded upon since I was in the middle of working out. I mean, it's the YWCA, for pete's sake. One of the reasons I go there is to avoid friendly-type males. Oh well.
I weighed myself at the Y (even though I had decided to only weigh at my dietitians office) and the weight is about the same. I was kind of relieved to have quit gaining. So maybe this is my natural healthy weight. I guess that would be ok. I mean, it's not unbearable like the weight they put me up to last year when i was in treatment at UIHC. But it's still healthy, and I don't have to restrict and can eat meals with my family and even have treats. I had a take 5 McFlurry last night and it was delicious! I think those are my new favorite food.
Emma is getting back on sunday and I am so excited! I think the month has gone by super-fast.
I am kind of worried about my big move at the end of the month. Historically I do not do well with change. My ED usually siezes it's chance durring an upset and flourishes. I so want to stay on track! This is the best I have ever done in recovery, I think ever! I have certainly weighed more before (my bogus "target weight" at UIHC) but this is the first time I have ever gained weight on my own, willingly (except durring pregnancy), and I have never felt so positive and hopefull about recovery before. I guess part of me feels like I am doing TOO good; that it won't last. But if there is one thing I have learned it is to not worry too much about the future and take things one day at a time.
Well, that is about it for now. I didn't purge all day yesterday and today has been good so far. I feel very calm and peacefull today which is a good thing.
I hope everyone has a good day today and wish you all success as well!