camping

Finall, I have the energy for another post! Can you believe I am still recovering from the camping trip? Seriously, I am getting so old...

Here's the girls on their floaties. We swam for hours (well, they did anyway)!
Emma is my Sneaky Sea Monster!
Here they are roasting marshmallows....

Here is my perfect s'more!

Here is this dumbass turtle we caught. Actually, I caught it several times. I kept letting it go and it kept coming back for more!

We also caught two crawdads, ten toads, and dozens of minnows. Harassing the wildlife was the main form of entertainment (other than swimming). We also caught fireflys and kept them in a bugcatcher in our tent at night but they wouldn't light up, lazy things!

We had a beautiful moon!

The girls, waiting for mom to get up.

And this is me on the last morning. Scarier than anything you'll find in those woods!

p.s. blogger's being stupid so if you want to leave a comment you have to scroll way down.

hello

I love costochondritis

I think I have whined a little bit in a previous post about my chest pain that I have been having for a few weeks. At first I thought it was heartburn, so I have been taking prilosec, but the pain has only been getting worse. The past week it has been constant. I have just been biding my time until my doctors appointment next week, worrying about what could be causing such pain in my chest. I have imagined esophageal cancer, lung cancer, some kind of heart condition, ect.. I have been heavy hearted, thinking about my kids growing up without a mom, wondering why I have wasted so much of my life focused on food and weight, and not experiencing life and valuing my family more.
So anyways, I took the girls on an impromptu camping trip on wed. it was lots of fun (I will write a post about it and include pics) but it seemed like the exertion made the pain worse. On the way home yesterday I was in so much pain that I thought I was going to be sick. I was really scared, thinking I was having some sort of medical emergency. When we got home I had Chris drive me to the dr's.. I felt really bad for the girls, they were so tired from camping and just wanted to rest, but they had to come hang out in the waiting room while I was examined, had a chest x ray and ekg. I was so scared.
The Dr. came in and told me that my heart and lungs were fine. He is diagnosed me with costochondritis, which is an inflamation of the cartilage around the ribs and sternum. It is very painful but NOT dangerous and usually resolves itself in a couple of weeks. He said it is most common in women 20-40 for some reason and usually has no known cause, but sometimes is brought on by chest trauma. Rest helps, and exertion makes it worse (gee, 3 days of camping, hauling gear, doing everything myself since Chris couldn't come, no wonder I was in so much pain yeasterday!). So I am going to take it easy and take the naproxin the dr gave me, which has already started to help.

So back to the title of the post: I love costochondritis because it means that I don't have all of the terrible things I was imagining, I don't have to start planning my funeral, I WILL LIVE! But this whole thing has made me think about how no one is guaranteed one more day on this planet, and we need to hold our loved ones close and make every second count! How many years did I spend making myself sick on purpose? It's just sad.

I think maybe the last part of my eating disorder died last week. As I thought back over my life this week, my biggest regret was the time I spent in the eating disorder. I know that some day I WILL be facing death (although hopefully not for a long time) and I want to be happy with the way I lived my life.
I still have body image issues. I still struggle with depression and anxiety. But I will find a way to manage without the ED.

squirrel junk

Yesterday a squirrel climbed up the screen on our sliding back door. I think he was after the birdfeeder on the balcony above. He didn't seem to be bothered that Chris and Annie and I were all right there watching him.

I commented on how funny the squirrel was and Chris said "yeah, you can see his junk!". And Annie was like "what junk?" and I said "nothing, nothing" and gave Chris the evil eye. Chris was right, though. You cant tell from these pictures, but this squirrel had some huge, um, nuts.
After that I just kind of wanted him to go away and quit pressing his big hairy business up against my window.And yes, those are Easter eggs on the window. Annie made them herself and I can't throw them out yet.

ANYWAYS.......

Fast forward a few hours. We are driving to my family reunion and my aunt who is in town from Washington is sitting in the back seat next to Annie. We were chatting and I told her about the squirrel climbing up the screen and Annie said (loudly and with enthusiasm) "YEAH AND WE SAW HIS JUNK!!!!!

It. Was. Awesome.

crazytown

I was reading Sairs' blog this morning and saw the picture of Indian food and I just had to have some!!!!! I wanted to go out for Indian so bad today but I am trying to save money so I decided to pull out my Indian cookbooks and make some myself. I made green chutney, Balti butter chicken, and tri-color pulao and it was SO good! I would like to cook Indian food more often but it is alot of work and I am lazy.

I do feel kind of bad right now, because after the meal I got really full and anxious and ended up purging, which is something I haven't done in almost two months. I am trying not to beat myself up over it. After all, I am still doing waaay better than I was even a few months ago. My body image just really sucks right now! It is so bad that I was even thinking about laxatives and diuretics today. But no, I wouldn't do that. I just feel so, I don't know, puffy. Sigh.

Last night I was sitting on the couch watching tv and I started to feel something weird in my abdomen that I swear felt just like a baby kicking! I started to worry that I was pregnant and then it was REAL and I just KNEW I was pregnant! I mean, that would explain everything: the heartburn, having to pee all the time, irregular period. I started to feel sick to my stomache, thinking about the baby and not being ready for another baby and worrying about the meds I'm taking. I had Chris go out and get me a pregnancy test (poor guy) and guess what, I'm not pregnant.

I don't know what the deal is with this anxiety lately. It's like it has hijacked my brain and I just am not living in reality.

My therapist did have a cancellation on the 30th so I will not have to wait so long to see her afterall, which is good.

I have a bit of a family reunion this weekend which is causing me some stress, but I don't feel up to blogging about that now. Maybe later.

feeee-eeee-eeelings

I had therapy today and it sucked. Kim and I talked about my desperate need to "not feel anything". I try to maintain a sort of stasis and if anything messes with that I get major anxiety. Things I can't tolerate without major anxiety: being hot, being cold, feeling wind, any sort of ache or pain, running or splashing water, too much noise, running, feeling too hungry or too full, and, unfortunately, sex. Also clothes that don't "feel right" and sheets and blankets that are the wrong texture. Hmm, can't really think of anything else right now, but you get the picture.

I have been this way for awhile, but have only recently been able to define my anxiety and it's triggers. Things are starting to make a bit more sense to me, in term of why I have an eating disorder and more generally why i function the way that I do. I do anything to avoid feelings, both emotional and physical, because this makes me feels safe. I do not trust that I can experience feelings and handle them and not be overcome. To me, feelings are scarry and unpredictable.

I do wonder, though, why I group physical and emotional feelings together. Why do physical feelings freak me out so bad? Is it because they remind me that I have a body that I cannot control? Is it because they remind me that I exist, that I live and breathe in a world that is often threatening and unsafe?

This is some heavy stuff for me to ponder. And as it so happens, my therapist will be gone for awhile and my next appointment with her is not until June 12, which seems like an eternity.

Here's a bit of irony. As I am blogging this, my girls are watching "Care Bears: the Land Without Feelings".

why I hate the pool

We got a family pass to the new aquatic center. It has waterslides, fountains, a zero-depth play area, and a lazy river. The girls are super psyched. Me, not so much. Here's why:

1. I have to wear a swimsuit. 'Nuff said.

2. At some point durring a trip to the pool, I will be either too cold or too hot. Not being the "right temperature" makes me anxious. I can't stand it.

3. I hate getting splashed! I can't stand the feeling of water hitting my skin. It makes me feel like I am being attacked and I get anxious. This is why I hate showers, but baths are ok.
There are usually alot of kids at the pool, and I end up getting splashed.

4. I get panicky in crowded places, and the pool is usually crowded. I can't stop looking at all the other people and worrying about if they are looking at me. Logically I know they aren't but I still worry about it.

Hmm, I guess that about covers it. Oh, also when I saw Dr. Sean yesterday he mentioned that he saw me at the pool, which makes me feel even more paranoid, especially since he saw me but I didn't see him.

But we did shell out for the pass, and the girls have a really great time there, so I guess I will have to suck it up.

When we were leaving the pool after our first time there, the girls were all excited and talking about their favorite parts and they asked me "mom, what was your favorite part?" and I said "the part where we left" and they just groaned. I am such a party pooper.

It's messing with me

So here are the positives: I don't even remember the last time I purged. It has been several weeks. I think I have only purged two or three times since I was in the hospital, which was like 2 months ago. That's freaking awesome! And I have been eating things like pizza, ice cream, burgers, cake, ect. So it's not like I have been sticking to safe foods.

So.....why have I been losing weight? Trust me, its not my metabolism. I have never been one of those people who could just eat whatever I wanted and stay thin. I had my appointment with Dr. Sean today and he ordered some labs to check my thyroid and some other stuff. He also thought it could be anxiety, or maybe I am losing weight because I am not taking the risperdal anymore. I am going to see the Dr. again in 3 weeks.

Which brings me to the negatives: While I did not lose weight on purpose this time, it has triggered some ED thoughts. Thought #1 is that I have to lose more weight by the next time I see the Dr.. Thought #2 is that I can't gain back the weight I have lost so far. It seems that simply losing a few pounds, accidently, has given Ed a bit of a toehold in my life.

I know I need to fight these thoughts. I don't need to lose any more weight. I am still ok right now, but if I lost any more it would not be healthy. I want to have a good summer and not be sick and weak all the time. I may feel sick to my stomache most of the time from the anxiety, so it is important that when I do feel like I can eat I need to eat high energy (calorie) foods so I can stay on top of this. It is so tempting to skip meals when I don't feel like eating anyway, but the thought of my family sitting down to dinner without me is just too sad, so I just keep on forcing myself to eat. I want to be healthy. I want to get through this rough patch. Recovery is not without challenges; hopefully this is just a bump in the road.

Party on

Thanks so much for the nice comments. I don't feel like such an obsessive weirdo anymore. Actually, I have not been thinking so much about Dr. Tolin the past few days because I have been thinking about Annie's birthday party non stop. First I obsessed over assembling the perfect goody bags for the kids who are coming, which included running back and forth from store to store comparing the merits of various party favors and candies. Oh, and there will be 9 kids at the party and party favors seem to only be sold in packs of 8. Nice.
Also I have been worrying about the weather because I rented a wading pool at a local park for the party. The party was supposed to be yesterday but it ended up raining so I had to move it to today, reschedule the rental, baloons, cake, and call everyone and see if they could come today instead.
Sooooo....the party is at 4:30 this afternoon and I have to pick up baloons and cake and all the food for the party and prepare soem of the food and I have therapy at 3. What the crap am I doing sitting around on the computer?????
We are grilling hamburgers aka "crabby patties", because it is a Spongebob party.

Ok ok I have to get moving. Wish me luck! I have more ED related things to talk about but they will have to wait for another post.

Have a great day!!!!!

obsess much???

AArrrgh I have a serious problem.....................

So who has seen the new vh1 show "The OCD Project"? I watched it last week and ever since then I can't stop thinking about Dr. David Tolin, the doctor on the show. CAN'T FREAKIN STOP! I think about him when I wake up. I think about him when I put on my makeup. I think about him when I am making my girl's lunch. I was freaking thinking about him when while I was cleaning up Annie's puke this morning! (she had a brief stomache thing but she is fine now)

Dood, this is a problem for me. It's making me feel really guilty cause I'm, like, married, you know. But i'm not having adulterous thoughts about Dr. Tolin, or anything like that. It's more like I cant stop thinking about how carring and compassionate he is, and how good he is at what he does. Like, he is the ultimate therapist. I can't stop thinking about what it would be like if he was my therapist, and I would see him every day, and he would fix all of my problems and take care of me forever. The end.

So no, it doesn't have anything to do with sex (eww) or anything like that. Still, being married, I don't feel comfortable thinking about this guy so much. I mean, I know if Chris was thinking about another woman all the time I would be really hurt.

Plus, it kind of hurts. It hurts to think about someone all the time and know that they don't even know you exist and you will probably never even meet.

Sigh.


I'm not sure why I am obsessing about this particular tv therapist, and why now, but I have some theories. I may or may not bring this up with my therapist when I see her this week (but I will be so embarassed!). I really should nip this one in the bud though, before I find myself driving cross country in an adult diaper with a trunkful of ropes and chloroform.

One thought occurs to me, though. Dr. Tolin says that the treatment for OCD is "exposure". Sounds like he wants me to track him down and expose myself to him. That's what you heard, right?



Please please comment and let me know what you think or if you think I am a psycho or crazy or if you are also obsessed with someone famous so I won't feel so bad ok I'm done now.

something funny

I saw this on Facebook today and had to share it.


"If life doesn't also give you water and sugar your lemonade is going to suck."


:)

paranoid whining

All is not well in Lisa Land. The past few days I have been so stressed out about money/planning Annie's birthday party/Chris struggling in school/Chris and I not getting along/feeling lonely/my health/blah blah blah whine whine whine. It seems like I am always worrying about something and even when I am not, I have this feeling of anxiety and dread that never goes away. My therapist calls it "generalized anxiety". I call it "lack of Xanax". Ok, ok, I'm pretty much joking. I know that stuff isn't good for me. I'm just trying to cope on my own and make it through each day as it comes and especially not use my eating disorder. Sometimes this has been hard.

Like today, for instance. Today was hella stressful and I really, really wanted to purge after dinner. But I went for a walk instead. I can't remember the last time I made myself throw up, and that's the way I like it.

I kind of need to find a scale though, one of these days. My feel like I have lost some weight lately and the thing is, I haven't been trying to lose weight and have even been eating waaay more than I ever have in recovery (except when I was in IP). Plus I am super tired all the time and I still have the itchy skin. I typed my symptoms into this symptom checker thingy online and it said I could possibly have diabetes or lukemia. Ok I know this is way far-fetched but it totally freaked me out. I started imagining what it would be like for my girls to grow up without me and I got all worked up and basically I need to CHILL! The first thing I need to do is figure out if I actually have lost weight. After all, I have been praying for God to help my body image. So maybe I haven't lost weight but am just starting to see myself as I really am. Wouldn't that be nice? Anyways, after I get an accurate weight I will decide whether or not to see the doctor.

When I opened up the laptop I noticed Emma's watermelon gum is stuck to the screen. Guess who is grounded from the computer.....