short update

I haven't been in much of a mood to write lately. Things are just kind of grinding along here. Emma is in school now, and Chris started school today. No, I did not get brave enough to corner anyone at church yesterday to make plans. Maybe next week. I DID sign up for the PTA and signed up to help with a spagetti dinner fundraiser in october- maybe I can meet people that way.

I have been having alot of disordered thoughts lately. It seems like I restrict for 2 or 3 days, then have some sort of realization or breakthrough and start eating again for about a week, then the ED thoughts get the better of me and I start restricting again and the whole cycle starts over. SO I'm not really losing any weight, just going up and down, which i know is kind of bad for the old metabolism. I'm fighting really hard to change my thinking and not let myself slip too far. It's just getting so hard to let myself eat. It's lik ei have to think of a REALLY good reason to nourish myself before I can, rather thatn just eating regularly because everyone has the right to eat. I don't know if I'm making any sense. It's just that when I eat it feelis like I'm losing some sort of battle. But i don't even know what the battle is or who it is against.

Well that is about it. My mom is visiting and I don't want to be on the computer too long (trying not to be a rude host). I think maybe later we will go to to Reiman Gardens. It is this really cool garden with a neat butterfly exhibit with hundreds of butterflies.

Have a great day!

*yawn and sigh*

I am sad today. Really sad. And empty and lonely.

Ok, I will get back to that in a minute. Here's some good news: Emma had her first day of school today and she had a great day and made friends! Hooray! I thought of her all day and said silent prayers for her and stuff. I love her so much and just want her to be happy.

Now back to the downer. Maybe it is because Emma is back in school and Chris will be back in school Monday and I know that it will just be me and Annie all day. Now, i love Annie and I love spending time with her, but i get really lonely for adult company. Being a stay at home mom is kind of isolating. And I don't know any other mommies here yet to get together for playdates.

When I start to feel isolated my brain starts getting weird. I sort of "turn inward" and obsess about things more. Including food and weight. It's almost like I am looking for my "old friend" to comfort me. Too bad that's the same old friend that could potentially kill me.

I can tell i'm going to have to be proactive about this. Nobody's going to tackle me on the street and say "hey you look cool! Will you be my friend?". I have heard that the rec center has an indoor playground thats open durring the winter months for toddlers and its only like 75 cents to get in and you can hang with the other mums while the kids play. That would probably be good for Annie, too. In the meantime, i think I'm going to corner some poor unsuspecting mom at church and see if she wants to have a playdate. That would be so unlike me. I'm more of a mope-in-the-corner type of gal, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I'm going to have to be outgoing *gasp*!

I didn't purge today, but there was some restricting going on. At first it was because my stomache was a little upset and nothing sounded good, but after awhile I started to feel better and really could have eaten. But ED crept in and said "you are doing so good (bad) today, why don't you keep it up, if you haven't eaten dinner yet there is no reason to now". Bad bad bad i know. I wish I could get back some of that motivation that I had at the beginning of the summer. You know, when I was all gung ho about recovery. And I wrote all those posts about my deep fat fryer haha! Recovery was more fun back then for some reason. Now it just feels like work. And I'm tired.

Sorry to be such a downer. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. Love you all :)

Build-a-Bear guilt

Well it was rainy and crappy today and after watching the girls sit in front of the tv for about 20 hours I finally said "enough!" and we decided to drive to Des Moines to the "cool mall". And it was a really nice mall; I was really impressed. The only place in Iowa that you can find a Bannana Republic. La de da. They did have a huge kiddie playland and the girls played there for a long time which was fun. But.......

I made the mistake of takning the girls to Build-a-Bear just to look, since we don't have one in Ames. Before long Emma was begging hardcore. She just HAD to have a friend for her buildabear that she has at home (that she never plays with and currently doesn't even know the lacation of). I have to admit, though, that Build-a-bear is sort of a magical place if you have kids, and I really was starting to want to buy her one. You know how they say "you can't buy happiness?" Well, at that moment I felt like i really could buy her happiness.

Then thr saleslady came and told me about the special- any bear+one outfit+shoes for $30. That seemed like a borderline-good deal to me. But then I realized that if I got one for Emma, I would have to buy one for Annie, and $30 suddenly turned into $60. And with all the bills we have looming I just couldn't justify spending $60 on stuffed animals. Nomatter how cute their little outfits are.

Emma was just crushed and moped around the mall the rest of the time, which sort of sucked the fun out of the rest of the day and made me feel really guilty. I felt like I was denying her a vital childhood experience or something. I guess it's a good thing Chris was there, or i might have caved. I just feel so sad that I don't have the money to but things like that for her.

I did explain to her that there were lots of things that Mommy wanted to but, too, but wasn't going too. I think it helped her to relate that she wasn't the only one who wanted something and didn't get it (dELIAS).

Grrr i hate money.

Ok and I had that therapy appointment today. It was ok I guess. Well, the first thing is, this lady is only 31! I'm trying to decide if this is a problem or not. On the one hand, I have this sort of belief that my therapist should have been practicing at least as long as I have been recieving therapy (18 yrs) in order to have the insight to help me. BUt maybe I am wrong. I don't know. But here is one thing: I think that I also seek out older therapists so I can find someone to have a "parent-child" relationship with, and I'm not sure why I do this but I suspect it is not healthy. one of my goals is to feel more like an adult, with assurance and power and all that stuff, so I guess I don't need someone with whom I will revert back to a childlike dependence.
One big bonus- she didn't go to the University of Iowa (home of the hospital that has the ED program that I have been committed to 5 times and refer to as "evil hell" in this blog). I have a huge prejudice against those folks in Iowa City, who think they know everything about everything. Hope I didn't just offend anyone. Oh well.
We didn't get through my whole "timeline" today; I saved the worst for tommorrow. Lets just say it's something so bad I don't even talk about it on this blog because I'm afraid of what everyone would think. But I'm allowed to have secrets. Everyone is. Anyway, I'm saving that for next time. but I told her a little bit about it today and she doesn't hate me.

Ed wise i am doing ok. I'm throwing up alot but somehow maintainong my weight so I guess you could say I am doing good In some areas and not so good in others. I really really want to restrict and lose weight but since that laast time that I wrote about I haven't. But I have that secret fear that says " your therapist wont take you seriously or think you are really sick cause you look so normal! You must lose lose lose!". But i'm trying to refute this with the facts and so far am doing ok.

Well thats about it for now.

here i go...

i'm leaving to meet the new T in a few minutes. I'm so nervous, why am I so nervous? I've been in therapy for 18 years and have had who knows how many therapists! What's the deal with this anxiety?

Sounds silly, but I think I am most worried that she'll think i'm fat. A big, fat failure. i'm worried she won't like me. And it is so important to me that she likes me, so she will be motivated to help me.

Arrgh i just wish it was over already!

quandry

ok, so, first appointment with brand new therapist is this wednesday. I'm hopeful and I guess a little bit excited. I haven't had any therapy for almost 2 months now. I think I really could use a good therapist right now.

So here is my dilemma. In order to treat me, I really think that my T needs to know my history, where ive been, what has worked, what hasn't, ect. I need to share some sort of a psych history with her. But how do I condense 18 years of therapy, 21 hospitalizations, an ed that had evolved over time with ever changing symptoms and consequences. How do I explain it all, paint an accurate picture, without taking the next 5 sessions?

Things i have considered:

1. a simple timeline outlining major events, hospitalizations, relapses, ect.

2. an essay-style narrative (but that could get lengthy)

3. ?

Ok, so I have really come up with only 2 ideas so far. I am leaning toward option number one. But I thought I would throw this out there for suggestions. So if you have any ideas, I would love to hear them :)

the truth is...

The truth is that I have been avoiding writing about Ed related stuff for a little bit because I have been going down the wrong path and basically was too ashamed to admit it, and a little bit afraid of what you all might say. I have been feeling a little bit like a traitor to the cause. Well, here goes....

I had decided to lose all the weight that I had gained this summer. You know, the good-healthy-I can eat normal food now with my family and have energy to do fun stuff-weight. I decided that I was just too fat to handle the "extra" weight anymore and desperatly wanted to lose all the weight and then some. So last week I bought a scale. I went to the library and got my number one ED book that always triggers me to lose weight (i know i know, ugh!). I began severely restricting my calories. I wasn't purging, just not eating. I made a conscious decision to adopt my anorexic behaviors again.

This lasted for several days. Durring this time I felt weak, dizzy, crappy, and spaced out. I was crabby with my family and short of patience. I thought about food all the time. I felt disconnected from everyone and everything. It was amazing how fast I got back to that place mentally where only the diet matters.

I began to have arrythmias, but I ignored them. Doubts crept in, but I shrugged them off. Thin was what i wanted, and thin I would be.

Then last night something changed. I was lying in bed (feeling crappy) and I really began to think about the last several days and I asked myself : Have I been happy? I had to admit that the answer was No. And isnt' that the whole point? To live your life in a way that makes you happy? In a way that connects you to the poeple that you love, and allows you to act in line with your values? And I wasn't doing that.

But, the anorexia voice said, when you get really thin you will be happy and nothing else will matter.
But, I thought, it might be a long time befor I "feel thin" enough to be happy about it. It could be months. Do I really want to live like this for months? i thought about this for awhile. i imagined what my life would be like if I were constantly starving and couldn't enjoy my children and sometimes didn't even have the energy to care for them and couldn't cope with anything because of constant low blood sugar and had brain fuzz and nothing left to put into my marriage ect ect. And then there is the whole "I could kill myself on accident doing this" thing. I cant even describe what a tragedy that would be in the life of my husband and children. I have no right to do that to them. I thought about the quote that Z put on her blog one time, from a child whose mother died of an ED. "I wish she loved me more than she hated herself". I thought about that long and hard. I pictured my childrens sweet faces. And I knew. I knew I loved them more. That clinched it.

I decided to stop. To just stop it all, to eat again. To accept that I dont like my body and just try to get over it. To realize that it would be a trade-off. I may not have the body I want, but I have life, family, happiness, energy, ect. I will inevitably have moments of despair when I look in the mirror. Yes, there may be weeping and knashing of teeth as I try on shirt after shirt and realize that nothing I put on is going to make me look the way i did ten years ago. But I will just have to live through it and move on.

You're weak! the ED voice said. You're weak and you are giving up!

No, I said. I am brave. I am choosing a path that may be emotionally painful. I am choosing to live imperfectly in an imperfect world. I AM BRAVE.

Today I nourished my body. It felt like finally breathing after holding my breath for a really long time.

missing the reunion (sigh)

I really, seriously, desprately, so very much wish that I were in Utah right now getting ready for the Center for Change alumni reunion. Alas, I am not. I was going to try to make it, but the timing was just bad, what with the move and everything. I just have too much to do getting settled and getting Emma ready for school. And I didn't want to leave Chris alone in a strange city with the 2 girls while he needs to get ready for school himself.

but I waaaaaanted to go!

As a patient at an eating disorders treatment facility, you gain more than just weight. You gain friends that you will feel connected to for the rest of your life. You share eachothers struggles, feel eachothers pain, rejoice in eachothers successes. No one will ever understand you quite like these women do. And when you leave, you will miss them terribly.

I havent seen some of these people in over 5 years. I don't know when I will have another chance. Believe me, I thought long and hard about my decision not to go.

The fact is, my family needs me now. As much as i want (need) to see my friends, my family comes first. I would expect the same of my husband.

So tommorrow, while my friends are in Utah laughing over "the good old days" and catching up, I will be at Kate Mitchell elementary with Emma for the new student orientation, because that is precisely where I need to be.