"body Image nightmare" or "the walk of shame"

ok, so, last night i was experiencing some MAJOR anxiety post-dinner, so I decided to go for a walk before I ended up doing anything I would regret (ahempurgeahem). I started out for my walk and pretty soon noticed that there was something downright disturbing going on. That is, my stomach was sticking out so far that it seemed to be going on ahead of me. Like, as if to announce the arrival of the fatass behind it. I know, I know, you are all rolling your eyes, but i'm serious! I mean if I were to walk into a wall, my stomach would hit the wall a full two seconds before the rest of me did. As in, I look pregnant! Grrr!

And then it got worse! As I walked, the wind started to blow against me, flattening my t-shirt against my stomach and outlining every roll and pooch for all to behold! It was the worst! I had to cut my walk short because I couldn't handle it. I was so embarassed and ashamed.

I came home with new determination to lose weight, but two hours later i somehow found myself on the couch with a bowl of icecream. Which is ok i guess considering my last post about how I'm not going to focus on losing this weight Iv'e gained and so on. And I suppose, as awful as it was, it was probably progress that I was able to feel those feelings last night and resist the urge to throw it all up.

I know that, according to the number on the scale, I'm not overweight. Then why do I look so freaking fat? Or does the height/weight chart simply apply to everyone else but me?

i'm waiting for the recovery fairy to come along and wave a magic wand over my head and say "love yourself" and poof! I will have good body image. But it doesn't seem to be happening. I guess for now i will have to find something else about myself to love besides my looks. Scary.

recommitted

ok, time to get back on the recovery train. Choo Choo! I have been thinking about losing weight lately, which has led to more purging because I was no longer willing to let myself eat what I needed, which has led to more bingeing and purging. Yesterday I restricted all day, which only made me feel weak and stressed out while I was trying to pack. Plus, I almost cancelled my dietitian appointment today because i didn't want to face the decision of whether or not to weigh myself. And I felt like, whats the use anyway, since I have decided to give up on recovery and lose weight?

SO, I did go to the dietitcian, and I DID weigh myself, and found I have gained 2 pounds since 3 weeks ago. But you know what, My weight still wasn't as high as I thought it was. So I was sitting there telling my D all my thoughts that I just wrote here above, and she reminded me that I am going through a stressful time and I was just trying to get some control back by trying to lose weight. She thought i would benefit from some excercise, which I havent been doing lately. And she reminded me that as long as I was purging my weight wouldn,t stabalize, which i already knew.

So since I have left my appointment I have been doing some thinking. I have decided to recommit to recovery. I have not been happy since I have been thinking about losing weight (nor have I lost any weight, so what's the freaking point?). All I have accomplished is increased purging and decreased satisfaction with my body. Plus, I need to be strong and healthy for the move. And lets face it, restricting is just deppressing. All I do when I am restricting is think about food and what I can or can't eat and when I am going to eat next and so on. We are havving sloppy joes tonight and I had been planning to eat only a quarter cup of the meat and no bun and no chips. Or, eat what I wanted but then I would purge. That's no way to live! Why not just give myself permission to eat, like everyone else does!?

So, I am getting back on the horse. No, I do not like my weight. but it will stabalize if I quit messing with it. I am going to eat reasonable portions tonight and not purge. If I feel full, or fat, or guilty, or like freaking out, that will just have to be ok. Because I recognise that If I keep doing what I have been doing, I will just be in the same place I was 5 months ago, starting all over again. Year after year, as has been the pattern the last 14 years.

The only way OUT is THROUGH.
The only way OUT is THROUGH.
The only way OUT is THROUGH.

I am just going to tell myself the samr thing that I would tell any of you if you were struggling. That there is going to be some discomfort. That it will not be fun. But the rewards are long term. It will be worth it.

it rained on us!

In case you are wondering why we are back so soon it's because it rained on us. Boo! I woke up this morning to the rain, so we had breakfast in the tent, and when it stopped raining I packed us up and we hit the road. We are now home, unpacked, showered, laundry is in the washer and dinner is in the crockpot. Go me!
I was dissappointed we didn't get to stay today, but glad we went up early yesterday so we could have fun when the weather was beautiful. We had a really great time!

We roasted marshmallows and hotdogs and did sparklers and all that fun stuff.
Our campsite was beautiful and secluded. In fact we were the only ones there. It made me a little nervous as it was the perfect setting to be axe-murdered by a psychotic woodsman, but that didn't happen.

Emma caught this toad and i gave up my dishwashing bucket so she could keep it for the day.
She named it Goggles.

There is a really tall tower that they used to use for looking out for forest fires (like that ever happens in Iowa). We climbed to the top and my legs are still sore!

Well those are the pics. We also found this neat lille sandbar at the river by our campsite that we waded on and made sandcastles but i didn't have my camera so no pictures. Overall it was a fun time, but I wish Chriss had been there, both for the adult company and the help.

I was really glad I have been doing so well with my eating and weight. It would have sucked if I was too weak and didn't have the stamina to keep up with the girls and haul the gear. Plus it's hard to have a good time when you are starving and obsessed with food and when you are getting your next mouthful. So hooray for camping while in recovery!

i say "in recovery" tenatively because I am still purging (didn't while camping though) sometimes and struggle with body image. I know I have a long way to go. Every day I want to lose weight and have to fight the urge to restrict. Most days I am convinced that I don't have what it takes to stay at this weight and am convinced that sooner or later i will return to my old ways. So for right now I am taking it one day at a time.

Didn't mean to get all negative all of a sudden. I just didn't want to misrepresent where I am in recovery :).

So the next challenge: Moving on the 31st. Yay.

quick post

hey i just wanted to write that I am going camping tomorrow and will definitaly be gone till tues maybe wed if the weather is good and we are having fun. It will be just me and the girls so hopefully everything goes ok and i can get the tent up by myself and all that! I am a little nervous but super excited! This is probably the only camping we will get to do all summer. I don't know how I will survive without the internet for 2-3 days! Oh, and be prepared i will probably be borring you with pictures when I get back! Love you all!

things are looking up

I'm back to feeling better about recovery (and its about time! Holy moley!). I didn't purge all day yesterday! I thought that after having a burger and fries for lunch that I would just not eat the rest of the day to make up for it, but when dinnertime rolled around I was hungry, so I ate a reasonable amount and didn't restrict. Today when i woke up I knew I didn't want to go back on shakes and that I could "do" regular food. I think as long as I can handle regular food I should keep at it.

We had my neighbors over this morning for home made donuts and fruit. Alas, the donut maker that I just bought didn't work with the batter recipie on the side of it's box! It was supposed to drop little rings into the fryer but the batter was so thick it wouldn't come out! I was bent, but just ended up making donut holes and they tasted great.

I think i might just marry my fryer. Seriously. It's just about the funnest, most awesomest thing about my recovery right now! I can't believe that i'm someone who eats fried food and is so comfortable with it in fact that she fries it herself! How cool is that?

My body image is better today, too. Maybe I was retaining water or something. i'm just glad because for a little bit there i was starting to plan to restrict and lose weight. I'm glad i didn't go through with that. I would have just ended up further behind in my recovery. I wonder if my increased meds are starting to work. Because I really do feel different. Like, an increased sense of well-being or something corny like that :).

america's heartland

This is what I have Annie doing so I can blog.

So have you ever heard the word "agribition"? Sounds kind of dirty hehe! I think it is a combination of the words "agriculture" and "exhibition". Anyways, we went to this "agribition" place called Heartland Acres today. It had a bunch of old farm stuff and some old cars and farm animals. Don't worry I wont bore you with too many pictures.

Here's me and my honey sitting on a fake cow. Woo hoo!
This picture is kind of creepy, dont you think?

I I really like this one of Emma. The expression on her face is just perfect!

Well this wasn't the most exciting place we have ever been to, but it beats just sitting at home watching tv.

Well food has been better today so far. I had planned to just go back to only Boost and fruit, but was feeling pretty bad about that decision because it seemed like a huge step back as far as healthy, normal eating goes. But I got up this morning and had a Boost and later some watermelon. The point of the Boost is, I think of it as medicine and don't purge it, so if I am purging alot it helps me to go back to eating only Boost. But it is pretty borring, and not realistic to maintain for very long.

So anyway, I had the boost for breakfast, but by the time we had lunch I was feeling better and more confident. I had packed a Boost so I could have it wherever we were at lunchtime but when we stopped for lunch I was feeling more like real food. We were at McDonalds and I did something very brave (for me). Instead of getting a salad, I got a Big'n'Tasty meal. And ate it. And didn't purge.

I did have some anxiety when I foolishly consulted the calorie guide (shouldn't have done that). But oh well, I had made up my mind that I was not going to purge and I was sticking to it!

I wonder why sometimes i have such a hard time and will even purge something small, and other times I can eat a big ol hamburger with no trouble?

I think even with the recent rockiness I am still doing better than I was a few months ago, when I couldn't eat even one normal sized meal and keep it down. I still think I need to come up with a meal plan, though. I have been giving that lots of thought And I think I wasnt to do some kind of exchange system. Now I just need to figure out how many starches and fruits and proteins ect for each meal and snack. It's just so complicated, my brain gets tired. That's why I keep thinking it would be easier to just stick with the Boost. I want to keep eating "real food" though. To me that's the challenge, but it is a worthy goal, i think.

humph

I went to my dietitian appointment today only to find out that it is next week, not today. Humph! I really needed to talk to her, too. Once again I have found myself in the trenches of bulimia. I have not been very accepting of my weight and my body lately and this unhappiness has manifested itself by increased purging. I am feeling very discouraged. Will I throw up for the rest of my life?

I really feel like I need more structure. My eating has just been so chaotic and haphazard. I need a meal plan to follow, or something like. Mostly I have no idea what I'm going to eat, and then when a mealtime rolls around I make choices that I am uncomfortable with and end up purging. Although lets face it, I am uncomfortable with just about any food in my stomach.

I also hate the way I feel in this body. I hate not being thin. I feel so "normal", so mediocre. I feel invisible. I know i need to find another way to feel special and important besides being scary thin. I just haven't found it yet. Sometimes I feel like there isn't even a "me" without this eating disorder. Double humph.

i am making blueberry pancakes and turkey bacon and cantaloupe for dinner. Pancakes are difficult for me. I vow to anyone who reads this blog that I will eat an "appropriate" amount and not purge. I think can do it for at least one meal. I think thats the best way for me to fight this: one meal at a time.