living through it

Well, where do I begin. Today was a rough one.

Therapy was ok, if your idea of "ok" is spending an hour sobbing in a puddle of your own guilt and shame. No, really, it was kind of a relief to get it all out. Basically, 2 years ago I did something extremely stupid that had really horrible consequences and nearly destroyed my life. Fortunately none of the consequences were permanent and things are pretty much back together, but I have alot of feelings about the incident that I haven't dealt with. So I am going to start doing that.

I am trying to keep my head above water ED-wise. I have been eating ok, but there has been some purging. But I am maintaining my weight and fighting every day the best I can.
I was reflecting on how many good reasons I have to relapse right now.

reason #1. Dealing with the past in therapy-ROUGH!

#2. Chris is overwhelmed with school and even when he is home he is always doing homework. I am like a single mom and the stress is getting to me.

#3. Having spiritual difficulties. Actually, i'm doing ok spiritually. It's religion I'm having a hard time with. Don't really want to say any more about that. But its a biggie.

#4. Oh did I mention that Annie has had hives for 4 days in a row. My new hobby is checking her back and tummy for "polka dots". And vaccuuming and dusting every day. So far it's nothing severe, but if it keeps up or gets bad we may have to move.

#5. Drama continuing with Emmas dad.

#6. I still can't taste food because of the nasty sinus thing going on. I'm basically forcing myself to eat right now.

#7. My mom has a new lump, in her arm.

Overall I think I am handling everything quite well. There were a few scarry moments today when I was really stressed out and the hand sanitizer gel in my kitchen was looking pretty good. In my alcoholic days I drank A LOT of hand sanitizer, because I couldn't deal with the guilt and stigma of buying "real" alcohol. You might ask why I keep hand sanitizer around, and I didnt for a really long time and just started buying it again for flu season, and plus I hadn't felt like drinking any for a long time. But after tonight I may rethink that. I also don't have body spray or perfume because I used to drink it by the bottle. Eww, I know. Just thinking about it gives me the sick shivers. Crazy, the things we do when we are desperate.

Ok, I had better list some positive things RIGHT NOW!

We have a sweet minivan that was free!
I have the most beautiful girls ever!
I bought myself a GIGANTIC pot of mums today that make me smile every time I see them!
We are currently loaded cause chris just got his student loan check!
I have all my teeth. Wait, I have most of my teeth!

Um, i will try to think of some more. Sorry I am getting behind on everyone's blogs. I don't have as much internet time now that I am on my own here at home, and we have also been having some problems with our internet. I am reading but haven't always commented promptly. But I care deeply about you all! Please stick with me!

pre-therapy post

ok, so I am really trying to psych myself up for therapy today. I am just sooo nervous, because today we are supposed to talk about something that is really hard for me to talk about. But my therapist thinks it's really important for us to talk about it so she can know how to help me get past all the feelings that are associated with it. I'm just worried about what she will think about me. That she wont like me any more, or something like that.
Ugh, I wish it was over.
I will try to update tonight.

sick day

not much has been going on and I have been kind of blah and not feeling like posting. Well, I have been doing better ED wise. Like, i didn't purge all day yesterday EVEN with making chocolate chip cookies with the girls and sampling lots of dough! And I have been eating regular meals and everything, and not really weighing myself. Much.

I think I know what threw me off. I rented the documentary "Thin" from the library and I should not have done that. I think it is a really great documentary about eating disorders, and I could really realate to it. I LOOOVE watching stuff I can relate to. It helps me feel connected to something, like i'm not so alone. But now I see that it really triggered me. Just putting the thoughts back in my head about wanting to be sick and helpless so people will take care of me. EWWW, I am so ashamed of having those thoughts and feelings. But I have to acknoeledge them because they are there. It's weird. I complain about not feeling "powerful" in my life or feeling like a competent adult, yet I keep making choices that cause me to stay weak and pathetic.

Wow, and I thought I had nothing to write about today.

Well, I have been working to further my identity as a responsible, functional adult. I signed up to volunteer at Emma's class Haloween party. i also volunteered to be "room parent" for her class. I was pretty anxious about this. I kept thinking "what if I get depressed and cant follow through." But I don't want to live my life like that anymore. I don't want to not accept responsibilities and opportunities just because I might not be able to handle them. I'm just going to go for it and trust myself that I can do it.

In other news, I am quite sick and on some serious cold meds and feeling like crap in general. i'm just hoping none of my kids get sick, but Annie keeps taking sips of my pop when I'm not looking. Ugh.

discouragment

Well, i had a pretty good day yesterday. I didn't binge, purge, or restrict yesterday, and there was the whole garlic toast thing that I am very proud of. So how did I start my day this morning? With my head in the toilet! Why are mornings such a problem for me? I just am so anxious from the morning I get up that i want to stuff my face with the first thing that I see, then I get more anxious so I purge. Why cant I get mornings under control?

The other thing that is getting me down is that the desire to be thin has returned full force. But its not rational, and it's not even really what i want. I still believe all the stuff I wrote the other day. I still want a life that is filled with joy, freedom, and meaning, which does not include and ED. But....I have this burning desire to lose a bunch of weight and be emaciated. It sounds so ridiculous when I write it out loud. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I don't know why this has such a hold on me. Why i am still so obsessed with it and driven by it. I wish I could have a surgeon go into my head and cut out the ED part. If there was a surgery for this I would have it. I really would.

I'm just so frustrated with myself right now.

Well it's time to pick myself back up and salvage the rest of the day. I WILL be healthy today, even if it's not what I want. But I do want it! Argh...

garlic toast.

Ok, so tonight I was making a spaghetti dinner for my family (with spaghetti squash instead of noodles, yum!) and I was putting slices of garlic toast in the oven and I put only 3 slices on the cookie sheet. It was automatic. I never eat the garlic toast. But tonight I paused, and thought about it. I never eat the garlic toast for purely ED reasons. I actually love garlic toast! I usually sneak a bite of Annie's but never have a whole piece myself.

So I started thinking about this and thinking about my "being brave" post I wrote the other night and thought "ok Lisa, it's time to put your money where your mouth is".

But Ed said "garlic toast has no nutritional value! It is just white bread and butter".

"Well," I thought, "but it's tasty".

I began to realize that this was about more than just a piece of bread. It was about making decisions not based on ED. About changing my behavior patterns that keep me unhealthy.

SO I had a piece of garlic toasy with my dinner. It was delicious.

Fee-eee-eeeelings

Things are going ok. i did binge/purge yesterday, first thing in the morning, which was kind of discouraging, but I picked myself right back up and did very well the rest of the day. No restricting or purging. I am particularly proud of my dinner last night. I was feeling kind of sick, partly because of a vey emotional therapy session, and partly because i don't know why. Anyway, ed was tring to negotiate dinner with me. You know, you-dont-feel-well-so-why-not-skip-dinner type of thing. But I ate a reasonable dinner anyway. After dinner was the worst! i just felt sicker and sicker and ED was saying you-could-just-throw-up-since-you-are-sick-anyway and I wanted to throw up so bad! But I didn't and i went to bed at 8:00 and slept all night. i still feel kind of sick so maybe I am coming down with something. Swine flu? i don't know. i am not going to restict today, but maybe will just stick to simple and bland foods so i don't get sicker and tempted to throw up.

i'm feeling better about my therapist. Turns out she DOES know her stuff! Yesterday she suggested to me that maybe the reason that I feel so anxious all the time is because I have other feelings but I am afraid to feel them and get anxiious about it. I wasn't sure about that, but when i got home and thught about it I realized she was right. I'm afraid of my emotions. Afraid I cant handle them. That is why every time I feel sadness, hurt, anger,ect, I shut down and instead just feel a general feeling of uneasiness. i think that is also how I got addicted to Xanax. You are just supposed to use Xanax when you are expeeriencing extreme anxiety, but i popped one whenever I had any emotion, like if I was angry at chris-take a xanax. Dissapointed by some situation-take a xanax. You get the picture. I never want to feel anything. i do it with my ED too. Instead of taking a xanax, I turn to focusing on restricting and losing weight, or bingeing and purging, instead of feeling my true feelings.

This is a huge realization for me and I cant wait to tell my T. I hope she has some excercises or something to ge tme in touch with my emotions. But I am kind of scared,too. I mean, I have a really good attitude about my ED recovery right now. What is I get into working with my emotions and it just gets too intense and I go running back to ED? I don't want that to happen.

this is me, being brave

Ok, so i was lying in bed last night thinking (I know, happens alot) and i just started to think about my life and what I really want out of life and what my goals are. So first goal: I want to be alive (duh!). Second goal: I want to be happy.

I used to think that being thin would make me happy. That the pursuit of thinness would add meaning to my life. I am just now facing the reality that I have spent the last 12 years of my life "thin" or in the pursuit of thinness and there has been little joy in it. What there has been is alot of pain, shame, missed opportunities, regrets, letting my loved ones down, ect. I have kept banging my head against the same old wall expecting different results and it has brought me nothing. i live in a constant sruggle of body, mind and spirit that exhausts me, and I find no fullfillment in it.

Could it be I am ready to really, finally give it up?

In order to give up this eating disorder, this WAY OF LIFE, I will have to be brave. I will have to be honest. If I hurt, I may have to cry. If I am lonely, I may have to search out a friend. If I am scared, or unsure, or having doubts, I will find a solution, a way to feel safe that does not include self-destructing until someone comes to rescue me. In other words, I will have to stand on my own two feet. I will have to take responsibilty for what I have made of my life, and do my best to make it better.

In many ways, it feels like I am just starting my life, or at least my adulthood. I've had the role of "sick" for so long that many things have been done for me and I have been able to avoid or get out of alot of responsibilities which should have been mine. What will it mean to me to be healthy? Will I lose my social security payments? That is something I have been terrified of. Can you believe I've been on disability since 2000? But I can't let it be a roadblock to being well anymore.

Of course, i am not expecting to make all these changes overnight. After all, this is a 16 year illness we are talking about. I can't just change into a well- adjusted, fully funcioning adult with a snap of the fingers. This is comforting, though. I know there will be people that are here to support me. I will still have a doctor and a therapist. The difference is, if I'm struggling emotionally, I'm not going to relapse and get sick enough until they know there is something wrong. I am going to USE MY VOICE and tell them what is bothering me, instead of playing some passive-agressive game. This might be hard for me, but hopefully in time it will be easier.

I do not live in a fantasy land where i think all my problems will go away just because I have decided they should. I still have a chemical imbalance which causes me to become deppressed and anxious. But starving, bingeing, and purging has made it much worse than it probably would be. My little dream is that if I eat healthfully, stop throwing up, and enjoy moderate excercise, i will be able to help myself feel better emotionally. Maybe then I could get off a few of the meds. And the ones that I would take would be more effective (especially if I wasn't throwing them up all the time).

This is my goal: to be healthy. ALIVE! THRIVING! I want my kids to be proud of me! Heck, I want to be proud of me!
To be honest, I'm so scared right now. What if I fail? It's easier not to try; to stay sick. Then I would never know if I could "hack it" or not.
But I have to try. For myself, for my family, my girlies, the dream of maybe a baby in the future. Oops did I say that out loud?
Here I go, into the unknown....