sheets and supplements

I'm dissappionted. No, I'm disgruntled! The new sheets i bought yesterday are ROUGH! Like SANDPAPER! I should have expected it; should have known better than to buy only 300 threadcount. But they were so smooth, so impossibly satiny when i felt them up in TJ Maxx! And they are Egyptian cotton, which sounded luxuriouss at the time. Where did i go wrong? Maybe the roughifacation happened when i washed them (wash before use) but i used fabric softener. The husband likes them and thinks they are just fine. I'm just a very tactile person. Well, the bed has been made, and now i must lie in it. I guess i am being overly dramatic. It's just that I look forward to bedtime like my kids look forward to Christmas, and i want everything just right. Maybe they will wear smooth after awhile.
Other news of my borring life: it has now been a week since i last binged or purged! YAY! I have accomplished this feat by mostly just eating Boost shakes and apples, you know, things that will sustain me and not trigger me to want to purge. My body image is taking a hit, though. Due to the dramatic increase in dairy (from the Boost) in my diet my intestines have blown up like baloons and i look like i have swallowed a small basketball, which is very distressing. Nobody seems to notice it but me, though. Anyway, if i can be successful with this plan for a few more weeks then i would like to tackle eating "real" food again. And don't worry, I definitly AM NOT going to be one of those people who posts pictures of themselves posing with cans of supplement on their facebook page! Ok, if you are reading this, and you did that, i hope I didn't offend you. It's just not my thing.

I <3 Emma

I took Emma, my 7 year old, out to lunch at McDonalds today, just for the heck of it. It was fun, just the sort of mother- daughter thing I imagined I would do once I had kids. I didn't tell her I was going to do it, just showed up at her school, so it was a suprise. It makes me feel kind of good that, at least today, Emma was the envy of her class. I even let her sit in the front seat ( Mcdonalds was only 3 blocks away) and I got her some High School Musical pencils!
I am trying to think of ways to connect to Emma. I feel like we are not as close as we used to be, especially since we moved to Iowa ans she started school. It seems like all the time i have with her, i spend it giving orders like, "brush your teeth... hurry up, the bus is coming... finish your dinner...share with your sister...youre being too loud..." ect. You get the picture. And this deppression doesnt help. Sometimes its all i can do to get through the day just functioning, and I dont have alot to give as a mom.
I found some pictures yesterday from when Emma was a baby that reminded me of better times, and it made me sad that she wont remember those times when she was a baby. These are the days that she will remember. Ok, maybe i am being a little hard on myself. I mean, i know i'm no "Mommie Dearest", but I could do better. I'm going to try to do some fun/bonding activity with Emma every week, just us two.
What the heck? It's raining like a mo'fo' outside, and thundering, too! I guess it has been awhile since i have heard the rain, actually, its kind of nice. Soothing, in a way. I,m wearing a robe over my clothes and 2 pairs of socks cause i cant seem to get warm today, even though i turned the heat up. I think when chris gets home i'm going to take a nice, relaxing soak in the tub. Sorry, i just started rambling about my borring life. Oh, i still havent binged or purged. I'm feeling very good about it. My next challenge is to get my intake up, cause i am kind of restricting, which is usually what i do when im not bingeing. It's that all-or-nothing thinking. But one step at a time.

Go Me!

Sooo....in the past week I have had 6 days without purging! Hooray! Is that how you spell "hooray"? I don't care. I'm just so pleased with myself. This is the best i have done in recent history. i was so excited to see Corey and tell him today. He is really happy for me too. I am just seeing him once a week for now, since i am doing so well. I do alot better emotionally when I'm not going through the nightmare of bulimia constantly.
This is just a short post cause i dont have alot of time. Maybe i will write more later.

2-22-09

Does anyone out ther know a good hitman? Ok, ok, just joking. But seriously, my ex- whatever (the evil Zlatko) is adding some major stress to my already maxxed-out stress load! So, here's the deal. Remember how i am moving to Ames this summer so chris can go to Iowa State University? Maybe i didnt mention it, but we are planning to move in june sometime. Ames is about 2 hours away from where we live now. I have been pretty excited about it, but have been scared to tell Zlatko. He is the father of my oldest daughter, Emma, and we have joint custody and i have placement, which means she lives with me and he sees her on the weekends. This has been working out ok but obviously when we move he probably wont get to see her every weekend, probably more like every other, wich is more standard anyway. And he wouldnt get to see her durring the week but whith his job he is out of town half the time anyways and he never sees her durring the week. So that wouldn't be any different. Anyhow, i got up the nerve to tell him about the move on friday when he came to pick up Emma and he didnt seem angry, but Chris was there and Zlatko always acts cool when other people are around. After they left i went in the bathroom and just started shaking and sobbing- that's what dealing whith this man does to me. He terrifies me! I have no idea what he is planning against me! Chris gave me a hug and comforted and it felt good to be reminded that i am not alone. I tried not to worry about it all weekend. I cant control him.
So, Emma got home tonight and we were talking while she had her bedtime snack and she told me that her dad said that he wasn't going to let her move to Ames and i felt my blood run cold. I had to restrein myself from asking her a million questions to try to find out what else he said cause after all, i have to let her be a kid and not a go- between. But i desperately wanted to! I want any clue into what he is thinking! I just know he is going to take me to court for custody! I just know it!
Ok. Ok. Dont freak out. Just accept that you cannot control him and he is going to do what he is going to do.
But what if he takes me to court. And it takes all our money. And he wins anyway. And Emma lives with him but is taken care of largely by her skanky idiot cousins. Who smoke and drink and swear. And she grows up like this. And i have no way to protect her .And she becomes like one of them. A person i dont recognise as my own daughter. And our family is broken.
These are my worst nightmares.

I Blame My Husband

Ok, so i was all set to tell my Corey (my therapist) the good news about what a kickass day i had yesterday, when i stopped home just before my appointment and found 2 messages on my machine from him telling me that he was sick and had to cancel today's session. I called him back to reschedule and i must say, he sounded awful- all stuffed up and sniffly and coughy. He sounded like he had exactly what my husband has, and my husband had an appointment with him yesterday. Coincidence? All i have to say is, if my mental health deteriorates over the weekend from lack of therapy, i'm holding my hubby directly responsible. Ok, ok im mostly joking:) . And, yes, Chris and i see the same therapist. And we see him for couples therapy, too. It has worked well so far.
Chris has not yet gone back to work. It seems that as soon as i told him that it would be ok with me if he did go back, he decided that he didnt want to. Financially, it doesnt make a difference, as it is an unpaid internship. Personally, i love having him around and would keep him locked up here with me forever if i could. I just worry that it is not healthy for him. It seems like he used to have more of a life and now everything is about me and my problems, and how im doing that day. Well, he does get out with his brothers and go to movies and hockey games and stuff occasionally. And now that he has been called as a ward missionary, he will be going out with the missionaries more i guess. I just worry that i ruin his life.

pretty good day

ok, so today was the best day i had in a really really really long time. For one thing, i didnt binge or purge which is a huge accomplishment for me! It almost didnt turn out that way, though. I started the day with a meal plan and a schedule of activities to keep me busy, but almost blew it when i stopped at the flying j for a pop. I guess it was morbid curiosity, or just force of habit, but for some reason i checked out the donut case to see what they had and there were my favorites: fritters. Maybe i'm a southern girl and don't know it, cause i loves me some fritters! Aarrgh, why did i look! I stood there, rooted to the spot, half of my brain planning a binge, the other half screaming in despair "no no you werent going to do this today!". Just thinking about giving in brought feelings of deep relief, as it is so hard for me to fight the urges. And lets face it, bingeing is what i know. Its weird for me to not binge. But somehow i forced myself away from those fritters. Grabbed my soda and ran for it. You know when its pouring rain and you make a mad dash for your car with your eyes practically closed? Thats what it felt like. As i started up the ignition my whole body was literally shaking.
So then i went to Joker's, which is this scratch and dent grocery store i check out from tome to time, where i got a smokin deal on some Boost smoothies. $2.00 for a case of six. Oh, and about a half dozen packs of Mad Croc energy gum. Cause i really need some more caffiene in my life.
Later i went to Roots Market, which is this health food store in Cedar Falls. Cedar Falls is a college town adjacent to Waterloo(craphole where i live). When i pulled into my parking space i noticed that the siding on the building was still cracked from where i had hit it with my car the last time i was there. Fortunately they did not remember me. Anyway, i got this really good blend of loose herbal tea called "relaxation" something, and i got some german chamomille to make tea with, and also some lavendar. I loooove lavender for making tea, it is so soothing!
Then i took Emma to a therapy appt, then to the store to get her a new piggy bank, then we went out to my mother in laws and picked up annie and my laundry, then we went home and i made a kickass dinner. Then we took the girls to the mall to play on the indoor playground, then came home and gave them a bath, then i read to them, and put annie to bed, then emma read to me, and now she is in bed and whewwww i finally have taked my meds and am crashing. May i just give myself a pat on the back and note how functional i was today ( i hope i dont sound prideful). Iim excited to see corey tomorrow and have something positive to tell him for a change. I get so tired of having just deppresing news to report. Well i have to go now. My brain is turning to mush :)

happy valentines day!

Guess i havent posted for a little while. Iv'e been really deppressed and i noticed that when i get that way and start isolating that i tend to also isolate from my computer. I think that is a little weird, i mean, one would think that a blog would be a great way to express my feelings w/o actually having to talk to anyone. Maybe it just seems like too much work. EVERYTHING is work when i am deppressed.
Bingeing and purging has been waaay out of control, im sorry to say. I'm feeling scared and discouraged and hopeless and don't know what to do to turn this situation around. It is such a draining and isolating illness; at night when i look back on my day i mostly see it as a series frenzied purges; the dirty inside of a toilet bowl. What a way to live.
On the upside, Annies potty training is going really well. Today is the second day she is wearing real honest to gooodness cotton undies- not pullups. I feel this is quite an accomplishment, almost more so for me than for her, because i am the one who has to put her on the potty every 20 minutes. I have to take her to the potty before we leave to go anywhere, then again when we get where we are going, then midway through the outing if it is a long one, then again when we get home. This is what you do if you dont want them to we their pants. Cause once they are out of pullups and into real undies, you have to have them on the potty almost constantly for the first little while, unless you want to be changing wet pants. Sometimes i just want to quit and just slap a daiper back on her. But i dont.
Chris may be going back to work next week. He had taken a leave to help me when i got home from the hospital. I am really not doing any better and am just as unstable as i was then, and i am not looking forward to him being gone more. Its hard, though. i realize thhat his life has begun to revolve around my problems and how i am doing on a given day and stuff like that and i know that it is not good for him. He needs to get out of the house and back into things that intrest him. His job is not really a job but an engineering internship. He reallly enjoys it and says he has learned more there than at school. I had thought for awhile that i could convince him not to go back, but we had a talk about it the other night and i realized how important it was to him. So i am going to try my best to be stable and sane and not freak out ect next week when he goees back. Wish me luck!
Lately i have been thinking about changing the name of my blog to " Lisa's Downward Spiral", or maybe "Potty Training Chronicles". Cause that is what it is turning into. Next time i will try hard to find something else to write about. OH OH OH I almost forgot! Big news! I was released from nursery! Yes! And i know it is a big no-no to tell anyone your new calling before you are officially called but since i really dont care here it is- i am going to be a visiting teaching supervisor! I can totally do that! Guess i better start doing my own visiting teaching....

big girl undies

I worked out today- not too hard. I feel really good about it. Chris says i seem like im in a better mood when i work out. The hardest thing for me is being motivated to go. One bonus is that the Y has a playroom for preschool age kids that Annie really likes, so i feel like i am doing bolth of us a favor when we go. She gets to run around and get out some energy- something she doesnt really get to do alot of in the winter. I like going to the Y also cause its not very intimidating- its mostly older people who are not super in shape. I have alot of problems with comparing and think i would not be able to relax in a regular gym. My negative mind would just be shouting at me the whole time, things like " you need to be as thin as her" or "look how tiny her waist is" or my favorite "youre too fat to work out! leave and come back when youve lost weight!". I know, I know, its ridicolous! But i am getting better at not listening.
After the Y, Annie and i went to Target. I love Target. For some reason going there feels less like shopping and more like a recreational outing. i always find something good when i go there. Today i got these mini-cans of cherry 7up for the girls. I dont usually give them pop, but these cans were sooo cute, and i think that once in awhile is ok. But the main reason we went to the store was to buy Annie her first BIG GIRL UNDIES! She is doing really good with the potty training and i think she is almost ready for them! She looked and looked and finally decided on one package of Ariel and one of Disney Princess. Actually, she had wanted some thomas the train undies, and i had to explain to her that those were "boys undies". This brought on a major gut-check moment for me and i had to revisit my ideals regarding not forcing my children into gender roles. But for some reason i just wanted her to wear the girly undies. Then to my relief, i remembered that boy's undies are structurally different; they have that opening in the front for the boy's "thingy" to come out so they can pee. So of course i couldnt get her those! I was absolved.

anxiety strikes again!

I worked in the nursery at church today and all i have to say is WOW! The kids were on one today! There was screaming and crying and boogers and spit out crackers and other assorted nasties, sometimes co-occurring! I got realy overwehlmed at one point and had to step out, which made me feel like a total loser. But it was better than having a full-blown panic attack in front of the kids. On the plus side, Annies potty training went quite well today. She stayed dry all through church, mainly because taking her to the potty was a legit excuse for me to leave nursery! Anne is really proud of herself for keeping her "big girl undies" dry. They are really Dora pull-ups, but to her they are undies.
Im really missing Emma right now; she is at her dads. He got back from Bosnia last night. He came back early, and im really paranoid that he heard about my hospitalisation and came back to sue me for custody. I guess there is nothing i can do about it so i should stop worrying about it. It was just so nice when he was gone cause it was like he didnt exist, i didnt have to deal with him or talk to him, and i got to have Emma every weekend. But she missed him. I have to remember that nomatter how I feel about him, Emma loves her dad and needs him in her life. Thats just the way it is. All my fantasies to the contrary, she would be devastated if something happened to him. So i just have to learn to live with Zlatko as a part of my life.