gearing up

Today is Emma's haloween class party, and as room parent, I am in charge. I have everything ready. The festivities will include:

pumpkin bowling
pin the stem on the pumpkin
a pumpkin-related craft
snacks

Are you guessing a theme here? It's not actually a haloween party, due to district policy. Its a Fall party. So I picked some different pumpkin-related activities.
I about freaked out last night when I found out that Chris had gotten rid of the empty 2 liter bottles that I had been saving for the pumpkin bowling! But he was a prince and wnt out and bought some cheap sodas that I can empty and use. So that crisis was averted!
Honestly, I am glad just to have made it to this point. Earlier in the week I was afraid I would have to be hospitalised due to severe depression/suicidal thoughts/anxiety/medication problems. But I knew that Emma was counting on me for today! What would that be like if your mom was room parent, in charge of the party, and didn't follow through!? Not only would there be no party (or something lame thrown together at the last minute), but she would probably be really embarrassed and let down. I couldn't do that to her. In a way, i think being responsible for this party saved me this week. It has given me a goal, something to focus on.

so everybody wish me luck with the crazy second graders! I know it will go well but am still nervous because I have never done anything like this. I mean, I have helped out with class parties, but have never been in charge.
I will comment on how it went after.

fall fun!

Making caramel apples! The girls had so much fun unwrapping the caramels, stirring the melting caramel, dipping the apples, and of course licking the bowl!

Huge pumpkin at Hy-Vee (grocery store). I put in a guess of 918 lbs. but since I havent heard back I dont think I won.

A culinary delight I call "octopus over seaweed". You should have seen the girl's huge grins and heard the giggles when I called them to lunch!

Me and the girls at the LDS church's trunk'r'treat. If you don't know what that is, basically we line all the cars up in the parking lot. Some trunks are decorated. The kids go from trunk to trunk and get candy. It's a nice warm up for Haloween.

Our jack o' lanterns.


I love being a mom, especially this time of year and straight on through to the Christmas season! I love creating fun memories for my kids! It's kind of like living the best parts of my childhood all over again.

When I am really depressed I try not to let it spoil the holidays. I don't want my kids to have bad memories of feel like they missed out because Mommy was sick. I guess my trick is to pace myself. Pick one thing, like making caramel apples, and think of it as a goal. Like "I'm making caramel apples with the girls tonight, so what can I do today in order to feel good enough to make that happen?". It's like a balancing process.

Yesterday was I didn't do such a good job. We had the trunk or treat in the evening, and I knew it, but still I overscheduled the day and ran myself ragged. Part of it is the methylphenidate, and part of it is this feeling that if I just stay busy, I can outrun the depression. Anyway, by the time we had to leave for the event, I was way stressed out. But I did what I could do to turn it around. I let Chris take the girls around, and I stayed at the trunk to pass out candy. Seeing all the excited little kids in their costumes and wishing them all a happy haloween reminded me that this was a happy event. It was just the therapy I needed! So we all had fun and,last night, that was all that mattered.

diary of a nervous breakdown

Lately I feel like all my posts are so negative. I was wondering if I should post today, cause it's just going to be more of the same. But then I realized hey- this is my blog. It exists for therapeutic purposes. So I need to use it to get things out of my head when I need to. So that is just my little way of warning you all that things are getting pretty intense in my world and I might not be blogging anything light or uplifting for awhile. Except for maybe a few cute pictures I have yet to upload. So check for those in a few days or so.

Ok, so here's the new hell I'm going through: started taking the methylphenidate on Friday and at first I liked it. I had tons of energy and was able to get lots of things done. It wears off around noon, at which time I take another dose and I'm good to go. The trouble starts around 4:00 when that dose wears off. A black cloud settles over me and it literally feels like everything good gets sucked out of the world. I fall into a deep depression for the rest of the evening. This is the worst mood swing I have ever encountered.

Somethings not right with me. I wish i could be one of those depressed people that gets a prescription for paxil and feels better. For some reason, I'm not. I take 6 meds and still feel totally unbalanced, fight near-constant suicidal thoughts, and wake up afraid of the day. I don't know how much my meds help, and how much they are making some things worse. I just don't know anymore. I feel a deep sense of hopelessness that comes with having a chronic illness.


Chris and I talked today and we have decided I should go ahead with the ECT's. I am a little scared, but things have gotten bad enough that I am ready to do just about anything.
Today I am focusing on the things that get me through the day. Planning my daughter's second grade class haloween party. Finishing her costume. Going to the gym. Cleaning the bunny cage.
Going to playpals.
Putting one foot in front of the other. Breathing in and out.

noooooooo!!!!!

today somebody asked me if i was pregnant.

2nd post of the day; freaking out a bit!!

Ok, so, I am having some major anxiety and need to post again. Lets see if I can gather my thoughts.
Ok, so I had my appointment with Dr Sean today. I had kind of a list of things I wanted to talk to him about and was worried he wasn't going to take me seriously or listen to me (mostly because I'm at a normal weight). Once again he suprised me by being extremely thorough, taking the time to talk with me and listen to me. I asked him about getting my thyroid tested and he agreed that we should do it (one of the symptoms of underactive thyroid is depression and I have alot of the other symptoms too). He also wanted to test my folic acid and vitamin b12 levels because low levels of these can be associated with depression. He also wanted me to start taking these supplements. He is referring me to a dietitian who has experience with ed's so that is good.

So we are having a really good "session", as I come to think of these appointments, and then we come to the quagmire that is my medication regime. He wants me to go up some more on the trazodone wich is ok. Then we start talking about new medications to try and I tell him about my mom, who was depressed as a result of her cancer treatments and got prescribed methylphenidate. AKA Ritalin aka speed. But it really helps people who are depressed get up and get going. Dr S said sure we could give it a try and in my mind I am thinking WOOHOO weightloss here i come (cause it causes weight loss/loss of appetite). but I am also worried about taking it when I exercise and remembering when I took it before I had alot of irregular heartbeats so I asked him about this and he said "well we will give you an EKG first". So I got the ekg and it was normal. So everything is ok, right?

Wrong. I do not feel ok. I feel very, very worried. I am now taking 6 medications for my depression/anxiety. SIX! How did I get to this point?

i have to trust the doctor. I have to trust that he knows what he is doing. Doctors don't want to kill patients. If this was unsafe, he wouldn't have me on all these meds.

But, just to be sure, I got onto this website where you can enter all your medications and it checks for interactions. I HAD 14 INTERACTIONS, 10 SEVERE!!!!

So I am trying not to freak out as I call the pharmacist to ask him about this. He told me that basically all drugs interact on some level. He checked their system for interactions and didn't really find anything. He said that doctors usually prescribe combinations based on experience with other patients.

So I calmed down a bit. But still, I feel a bit like Anna Nicole Smith. Like i could just drop dead from all these meds. Please someone reassure me and tell me I will be ok.

more about the gym and therapy baggage

I Hate To Weight asked me a few questions about my blood pressure and the gym. First thing: the blood pressure. I don't know what it has been running this week. I am going to the see Dr. S this afternoon so it will be taken then and also i can ask him about it. It could have just been high that time because I was nervous about seeing a personal trainer. Also I had some coffee that morning. But there is something that worries me. When i have been doing cardio (treadmill or eliptical) this week I keep getting lightheaded and nauseous. When It gets really bad I stop. No, wait that's not true. I usually still go for the full time I had planned on. But no worries, they have a defibrillator at the gym ;). Anyways, I am glad to be seeing the doctor today so I can ask him about it.
Second question is about what K would think of me joining the gym. I think she will be happy about it. At our last appt we talked about how I need some regular excercise to help out with my mood. And I do not have a history of overexercising. I went through a breif period last year of exercising nearly every day and not eating enough, but that was mostly driven by my relationship with Cory, my old T. He was a former bodybuilder and was always encouraging me to work out. He was like "if you have to be obsessed about something, why not be obsessed about being 'fit' and 'lean'". He used those two words alot. He would also tell me that when he was "reducing" he would only drink two bottles of Naked juice a day! Not the best thing to tell an eating disordered client. He was also very critical of overweight people. One time he told me that the saying "real women have curves" was just a rationalization that fat women use to feel better about themselves, and that runway models have the kind of curves that are attractive. Of course I just sat there agreeing with him because I'm a people pleaser and wanted his approval, but inside I was freaking out thinking "this is inappropriate he is full of it does he think I'm fat do I have supermodel curves!!!". The last straw as something that he said to my husband, but it bothered me so much that I just couldn't see him anymore. Chris was telling Cory about something he did that weekend and he said "it was tons of fun" and Cory said "kind of like a FAT LADY"! I gueaa Cory thought he was being funny but when I heard about it I was pretty uncomfortable. I think that fat jokes are inappropriate in any context, but I really would expect a therapist to be more evolved. So after that I just told him I needed to see someone else. I never had the guts to tell him why, or how much his comments triggered me. But after I switched therapists my overexercising magically disappeared.
Wow, I didn't mean to write so much about Cory. I guess I have alot of baggage there. I trusted him and relied on him to get me through some pretty hard times, and he was a really good therapist. but he ultimately betrayed my trust by his insensitive attitudes about food and weight. To be fair, he wasn't an ED therapist. But he should have known better anyway.
I think it is just a bad idea all around for me to see a male T. If a female therapist had said the things he said to me I probably would have talked to her about it or fired her right away. But I have this thing about men that I always have to please them and need them to approve of me. I don't know what the deal is. Anyways, I'm glad I have K right now. She is really good.

working it

So I'm sitting here soaking an infected toe in saltwater (yummy, right?) and i thought I'd post a few thoughts.

I went to the gym and worked out this morning, and had my introductry consultation with the personal trainer. It was free, of course I cannot afford personal training. So anyways, she took my blood pressure and it was 144/80 !!!! I usually run low, and this was at least 40 points above my normal! It freaked me out! So hopefully I am not having a stroke anytime soon or anything.

The session was really great and she taught me some really good moves for my core. I have never worked on my core before, as that conflicts with my habit of prtending that my core doesn't exist. But I am ready to change my patterns of behavior (I think) and hope to become more fit and lean.

Today as I was working out I realized that if I am going to do this I really can't starve myself anymore. Since I have paid like a million dollars for this membership I have to work out, and I cant work out if I don't give myself fuel. So I guess I am blackmailing myself into being healthy.
Part of me is scared by this. I mean, how will i manage my feelings without my eating disorder? How will I define my life if I am not justifying my existence by starving? Can I do this?

huge long post

Hmm, I have so much to blog about that I don't know where to start. I will start with telling you all about a breakthrough that I had while soaking myself in the tub the other night. It goes as follows:
I was in the tub just thinking and I kept on having thoughts about wanting to overdose. And I have so much medication on hand, you know I could get the job done. Anyways, I was thinking aboout od'ing, and it was not the first time lately that I was thinking about it. But as I sat there thinking about it, I realized that I didn't want to die, for sure. What did I want, then? I realized that every time I go through a major deppression, I usually end up in the hospital. Either I let my eating disorder get really bad, or I od, or I start talking about suicide and someone committs me. So, I end up in the hospital. Where I am safe.
So the other night in the tub I was realizing this and wondering if the urge to overdose was not really a death wish, but a desire to do something so I could get to a place of safety and get some relief from this deppressive "crisis". However, realizing that at this point in my life, my goal is to stay out of the hospital, it seemed to me that a new question was presenting itself. That is: can I create in my everyday life some of the feelings of safety and calmness and relief and stucture that I find so soothing in an inpatient setting. Is there anything I can do to get that need met, so that I dont have to seek it by doing something drastic.

I hope this is all making sense to you. It makes sense in my mind but is difficult to explain. Basically, I am trying to avoid going into the hospital for my deppression by trying to use some of the experiences you have in the hospital and build them into my daily structure.

For instance: art therapy. I bought myself an art journal and am going to collage and sketch in it to get through some feelings of deep deppression and such.
I am going to see my T twice a week. Actually, i have a rough patch comming up soon, because K will be in hawaii for 2 weeks. But when she gets back I am seeing her twice a week.
I am going to get time to myself every day to relax. I will most likely lay down in my room and listen to soothing music.
I am going to make more of an effort to connect to people in my life and build a support system. This will get me through in between therapy sessions. That doesnt mean I am just going to talk to my friends all about my problems. I mean, just relating with people and hanging out and such.
I am going to take time each morning to plan my day, look at the structure of the day and what I have to do. That way I can see trouble spots and things that might overwhelm me and plan on how to deal with them.
I AM REALLY GOING TO TRY HARD WITH FOOD! I did really greatwith food thursday and friday, which resulted in some weight gain, but I am trying not to freak out about it. I made an appt with the dietitian in my therapists office, then found out that my insurance wouldn't cover it. But I am going to see DR Sean this week and maybe he can refer me to someone.

Well, thats about it on that one. I shared with K the realiziation I had in the tub about not really wanting to die, just wanting to feel safe, but also not wanting to go into the hospital. She was really proud of me for figuring that out and admiting it, and being willing to try something new rather then the same old pattern. She was the one that helped me come up with the plans I wrote about above.

Ok, another big announcement. I know this is already a long post, but I wanted to share with you all that I JOINED A GYM! It's a big step for me. I needed to do it, though, for several reasons. First, I really don't like the way my body looks right now. But realisticly, I am at a healthy weight for my height and age. So I was thinking, If I could do weight training and get toned, rather then focus on losing weight, I could be healthy and happy about how I look.
Also, they have a really great kid's room. its like one of those McDonalds playlands. I took the girls there today and they LOVED IT! Didn't want to leave. So, now I can get time alone. Heck, I could take them there and just sit in the sauna and read a book if I wanted!
I am kind of worried about it too, though. A little part of me is worried that I will get into trouble excercising and not eating enough, and start having health problems like I did last year. That is one reason I really need to see a dietitian.

Oh, yes, and it cost me $930!!!!! But that is for 18 months for chris and I though. But I also have to pay 30 a month for the kids room. So I am still in shock about the money. Let's just say this is my birthday and christmas present. My mom is going to pay for some of it, too.

I think that working out regularly will help me get grown up time to myself, burn off some anxiety, ease my deppression, and help me feel better about my body. i'm looking forward to it.

Well, thanks for reading through this whole thing. i would love to hear anybody's thoughts on any of this.
I am still undecided about shocks over xmas break.

Promoted? Or Demoted?

I had a session with K (my new therapist) today and we were talking about my ED and she said that she would diagnose me as Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, which kind of suprised me. I mean, I know I'm not anorexic because I am at a healthy weight. But wouldn't I be bulimic since facing down the toilet is pretty much a daily occurence in my life? All she said about it was that I wasn't diagnosable as either anorexic of bulimic.

So I am left to mull over what this means for me. Can I view my EDNOS status as progress? Doesn't feel like it. I still feel pretty damned eating disordered. I still hate my body and am obsessed with losing weight and being thin. Every day I wake up and try to decide what to eat/what not to eat and realize that I am going to loathe myself either way.

What I'm afraid of is that this diagnosis isn't going to get me the help that I need. Will professionals look at it and think "well, she isn't that bad...". Will my treatment be seen as neccessary by my insurance? Will I lose my social security?

I shouldn't freak out or jump to conclusions. My SSDI is actually based on deppression as much as it is my ED. And for the other stuff, well, I would say that K has recognised that I need considerable help right now as she is seeing me as often as her schedule allows.

I really think that I should discuss this more with K when i see her tomorrow. I am embarrassed to admit it, but there is a real danger of me getting worse just so I qualify for the diagnosis that I want. I'm just being honest because I recognise this tendency in myself. But I want to prevent this from happening, so I think that talking to K and letting her know my concerns would be prudent.

In other news, i'm still deppressed and still considering shock treatments over winter break.

Emma had her first "cereal box art projects" class at the local art center today. They are making haunted houses. So cute.

Did you know you can find pictures of a rabbit's private parts on the internet? Just google it. Yeah, who knew?

Emma is going to be a jaguar for Haloween, Annie is a Bee. They will be adorable.

So far, none of us has the flu.

Well thats it folks.

cautiously optimistic

Hmm, the title says it all.

I feel like I am on a bit of an upswing today (after a rough morning) and am trying to make the most of it. So far today I have....

taken Annie to the dentist
taken her to playpals, where we chased eachother and played soccer
took my medication
done two loads of laundry
had a bath
gave annie a bath
took my medication
gone to the salvation army store
made chocolate chip cookies
put a roast in the crockpot
had too much caffiene

It is 2:30 and I am wondering what to do next...

hanging in there

I am way way way behind on everyone's blogs and am trying to get caught up today. Have been severely, severely deppressed and not functioning well. I put on some makeup today and cleaned the house and went to church, so I am feeling pretty accomplished.

I had an emergency appointment with Dr Sean this week regarding my deppression this week, but did not accomplish much. i had been tapering off the Trazodone, but he put me back up to 100 mgs in case that would help. We discussed a few different meds (Abilify, Lamictal, Lithium) but he said he doesn't like to make major changes when someone is doing bad. He wants to wait until I am stable.

We discussed ECT (electroconvulsive therapy aka shock treatments), which i have had before. I am almost desperate enough to do them again. But the only doctor in my town that does them does not take medicare/medicaid. I basically would have to be inpatient to get them covered (still do not understand this). But I am not willing to go IP as I am not suicidal (yet) and also could lose custody of Emma if her dad found out I was IP and not able to care for her.

Other options for ECT are the hospital in Iowa City (no way in hell) or going back to Waterloo to have my old doctor do them. I could stay with my inlaws. But I would have to wait until Chris' winter break, so her could be home to take care of the girls. So it looks like I am not going to be recieving the "electric cure" any time soon. Plus, do I really want to spend Chris' break in Waterloo getting shocked? I guess it will depend on how I am doing at that time.

My sister said something to me the other day that really hurt my feelings. I told her I was struggling with a major deppressive episode (against my better judgement) and she said "cant you just pray to the Lord about it?"! Ouch. Of course I pray about it! That's one of the only things that gets me through the day! But seriously, if I had Lupus or MS or any other chronic disease, she would not have said that to me. Why is there so much support and understanding for causes like cancer and HIV, but when you struggle with mental illness you are just expected to deal with it or get over it or something. Like when someone tells you "just think positive", that is another one of my favorites.

Sorry I am just whining and complaining.

my mom

I'm kind of sad at the moment. I have been thinking about my mom and her *cancer*. I was reading the obituaries in the paper and saw that a man who was 38 died after a 2 year battle with melanoma. He looked so young! My mom is younger than him.

In case you don't know, my mom has melanoma that has metasticised (sp?). She had a mass removed from her breast earlier this year and later one removed from her chest cavity. A few weeks ago she had one removed from her arm. So far she has been lucky in that all of the masses have been operable and havent affected major organs. But since the cancer has gotten into her lymph system that means little cells of cancer have spread all through her body and who knows where they will grow next. If they grow in her brain or liver or spine or something like that it would be bad news. Melanoma is very aggressive and hard to treat.

I just dont think about it very much because it is hard. My mom is so active and full of life. She works as a nurse. She is an avid bike rider and usually does a bike ride across iowa every year. She also like to kayak and ski. She sings and plays the guitar and performs at open mike nights with her friends. She is building a cabin on the wapsie river.

i wish I could see her more often. She lives 2 hours away and works full time and with Emma in school it is hard to get away even when our schedules are in sync. I feel like I am just taking it for granted that she will always be around and I will have lots of chances to spend time with her, because it is too painful to consider the alternative.

She would hate it that i posted this picture, because she thinks it is a bad picture. I like it.

a rare day

Is this not the cutest thing you have ever seen!? And yes, he likes it. Baby just goes nuts when I take him out. He sniffs everything and hops around and stands up on his hind legs. I also have a cute little carrier for him and we took him to the park the other day. The girls just had a blast!

Yeah, it's a litte undignified. But trust me, he loves it.

I am having a rare day of feeling not only functional but downright competent, so I thought I would document it.

There was no school for Emma today so I decided to take Emma and Annie and Emma's friend Espie to the zoo. I was a little nervous about driving into Des Moines (largest city in Ia, I know big whoop), especially since I have never done this myself. The zoo is on the other side of Des Moines and we have only been there once. Plus, I decided to take the interstate instead of the long way we went before. I just said a little prayer that we would not get lost or the car would not break down and off we went. And we made it, and I didn't get lost or freak out once! Not bad for a girl who used to be too afraid to even drive on the highway!

I got home and cleaned the house and put in a load of laundry. I called my old therapists office and cancelled my appointments. I made some calls to the moms who signed up to help with Emma's class Halloween party. Since I am the room mom, it is my responsibility to plan the party. I had been putting it off but decided to work on it today and found some people to help out and bring snacks and everything. It feels weird to be in charge of something but in this case it is just a 2nd grade class party so I guess I can handle it.

Oh my gosh I just poo-d the biggest poo ever! Another momentous event to record....

Anyways, that's about it for now. Sorry I am behind on commenting on blogs. Things have been a little busy around here but I will try to get caught up.

Peace yo.

My lovely doctor visit

Well, today has not been my favorite day.

It is sooo cold and rainy and I have had to run a million errands and have been freezing all day!
I have had a MONSTER headache for much of the day, and the Healthy Choice frozen dinner that I had for lunch is threatening to come back up.

The doctors appointment was, well, sucktastic. I am actually wishing I had lost the weight, even though I know that would be a bad thing. But as Dr Sean was listening to my list of GI complaints I had the feeling that he really wasn't taking them too seriously. Here it is: I have a general feeling of nausea pretty much all the time which gets really bad after I eat. Food just hangs out in my stomach forever and I get really urpy and bloaty (yum I know). I cant take a dump to save my life except when I take the Miralax, but then things swing to the opposite end of the spectrum and I am in the bathroom all day. Also, When I take Miralax my pristiq (antideppressant) passes through undigested. For reals! It's pretty dramatic.

Well, the good doctor said that my motility is impaired from my eating disorder and it would probably take several months with no purging and regular eating for it to get back to normal. The bowel situation is due to past laxative abuse and will probably be a problem that I will have
for a long time. I may have to be on the Miralax long-term.

So the doctors orders today are: Increase the Buspar (for anxiety)
Decrease the Trazodone (because the Seroquel and the
Risperdal knock me out just fine, thank you)
Get back on the Miralax, half doses
Prilosec OTC
Prilosec OTC. As in OVER THE COUNTER! Bwahahah! I wanted medical tests! I wanted REAL meds! I feel like crap all the time and I want to feel better and I'm skeptical that anything from the antacid counter at Hy-Vee is going to help me!!!

Yes, I do find it incredibly ironic that I'm always complaining about how many meds I'm on, and now I'm complaining that the doctor isn't putting me on more meds. REAL ones, anyway.

I guess there is no pleasing me.

So I bought myself some Tums and Gas-x when I got the Prilosec. Just as a consolation.

So- here is a puzzle for you:

I cant take the tums or gasx until a few hours after I have taken the prilosec. I have to take the Pristiq in the morning. I have to take the buspar three times a day, but not with my evening meds. I have to take the miralax BY ITSELF!
Soooo....

I think I will take the pristiq and prilosec and a dose of Buspar first thing in the morning. That way by noon, when the tummy trouble usually starts, I can have the tums and gasx.
More buspar at noon.
Miralax around 3 pm.
buspar at 6.
Seroquel, Trazodone, and risperidone half hour before bedtime.

Looks like I have a new hobby.

raining

Boo I am super grumpy today! the weather really influences my mood and it has been gray and rainy all day and is supposed to continue on like this tomorrow.
Let's see, what is new...

I decided to change therapists. I am going to start seeing Kim, my daughter's therapist. I think she gets me more then my current T. And she said that seeing me will allow her to better help Emma. As far as that goes, Emma has been doing great with her anxiety and all that stuff. Maybe it was just a difficult adjustment period but she is feeling better now about the move. But I will still have her go to therapy, so she can learn some more skills that will help her deal with stress and anxiety. Goodness knows she won't learn those from me ;)!

i got a leash and harness and pet carrier for my bunny and we took him to the park the other day (when it was sunny). It was so cute! Also I have put him on the leash and taken him out in the backyard. I will have to post some pics sometime; it's priceless!

I have the big doctors appt with Dr Sean tomorrow. I'm proud of myself for fighting the urge to drop massive amounts of weight before the appt and impress him with my thinness. I was able to realize that that is just a bunch of ED nonsense and he will take me seriously even if I am at a healthy weight. I really need to talk to him about my meds cause I don't think they are working that great. I mean, for the amount of meds I am on, I should be feeling super! Why is it that I can barely make it though the day?

Well chris just got home and he promised me that I could take a nice hot bath while he and the girls eat. I'm not skipping dinner to lose weight, I just ate a really big lunch that is kind of hanging out like a brick in my stomach and feel like a bath would be more theraputic for me at this point. And then maybe a nice hot cup of herbal tea or a sugarfree swiss mocha. Hmmm.