dilemma

I have to post right now. Then I am going to quit procrastinating and start my day.

I am struggling right now. I am of two minds. I woke up this morning with thoughts of restricting. The forcast for this week calls for weather in the 70's and while this makes me very happy, the thought of going through my shorts to see if any of them fit fills me with dread. I have a strong feeling that they will all be too small, as I have gained (restored) since last summer.

I do not want to buy new shorts in larger sizes. I want my old shorts to fit.

I can't stand this. I'm tired of feeling sick to my stomach every time I look in the mirror. The fat thighs that touch. Stomach that sticks out. Curves in all the wrong places. Fat on my back (new since i hit my 30's). I'm sick of having to dress to camouflage my flaws and my body. I want to be thin and confident. I want to feel beautiful.

But....but....

I like eating normally. Being able to sit down to dinner with my family and have what they are having, knowing I am being a good role model to my girls. I like having energy to do the things I want to do. I like not being crabby and lightheaded. It's nice not to be obsessed, not to have food and calories fill my head every waking hour. I'm glad I can eat normally at family functions and not have to run to that bathroom afterwards to purge, filled with shame.

I just want it all. I want to eat; I want to be thin. I want to be healthy; I want to lose weight. I want to be naturally thin, but i am not. I want to have long legs and smooth, cellulite-free thighs. This will never happen (even if I do lose weight). Why do I refuse to accept this? Its almost childlike, the way I continue to butt heads with reality. I need to grow up. I need to move on.

How do I do this?

joke of the day

Q. What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?


A. A nervous wreck!


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

had to share this

Yesterday I went to Des Moines to the Jordan Creek mall to meet my friend Jodi. Jodi is someone I met through FB/blogging and I was really excited to meet her in person. We had lunch and sat and talked for awhile and it was really nice. We both have had alot of the same experiences in the mental healthcare system in Iowa and we talked alot and compared the good, bad, and ugly. And the funny.

Unfortunately, Jodi has done some time in the Univ. of Ia Hospitals ED program. You know, the place I refer to as "evil hell". So yesterday, we were telling eachother our stories of treatment there and talking about the staff who were mean to us and she brought up Shirley and she asked me "did Shirley ever accuse you of 'bowel hoarding'?".

Ok, so before I go any further, here is the disclaimer. You know I try not to dwell on specific ED behaviors alot on this blog, in case there are any pro ana's out there trolling for "tips and tricks". But seriously, if reading what I am about to discuss inspires you to try this "trick", you need help and I am not responsible. Ok, back to "bowel hoarding" (trying to type this with a straight face).

I had never, in all my days of treatment, heard of bowel hoarding until Jodi told me about it yesterday. Apparently, at UIHC, if you are really constipated, you risk being accused of holding in your poop to boost your weight, and this is what they refer to as "bowel hoarding". This is what my friend Jodi was accused of.
When she told me this I burst out laughing. We both had a good cackle over it. That's the thing about these situations. They are fun to laugh about now, but at the time Jodi was going through it, it must have been frustrating and infuriating. It sucks to be locked up in a place where everything you do (or don't do) is viewed as some type of lie or manipulation. But seriously, bowel hoarding? Maybe someone would do this, but it really sounds to me like one more thing the good folks at the UIHC made up to accuse the poor patients of.

Here's a shout out to Jodi, for surviving that place, and for giving me something to laugh about yesterday.

not another Dr's appointment summary!

yes, yes, I'm afraid it is.

So, I saw Dr. Sean today and here is the down low:

I broke the news to him about my upcoming psychiatric consult and he took it well. We talked about my worsening depression and anxiety and my meds and stuff and he told me some options that he would reccommend. He even have me an official-looking printout to take to my psych appointment.

His reccomendations were:

1. Vitamin B12 injections weekly for 4 weeks then monthly

2. Switching from oral to injectable Risperdal

3. Replacing the Risperdal with Invega

4. Replacing the Risperdal with Geodon

then there is a fifth option that I put on the table....

5. Go off all my meds since they are not freaking helping anyway, lose my freaking mind, be refined in the fires of insanity, and come out the other side unscathed and hopefully cured.

He did not indorse this one.

I did decide to start the vitamin B injection right away. I mean, there are no side effects, so how could it hurt? He gave me the B12 for free cause my insurance wouldn't cover it. Free stuff is cool.

I go back in a week to see how I am doing with the B12 and things in general.

That's about it.

depression

I feel like I am being dragged through an emotional mudpit.

S-L-O-W-L-Y

It hurts to breathe. It hurts to feel. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see anyone. I feel like a ghost. Like an alien in my own home.

Thank God for my children. They are keeping me going. I HAVE to get up. I HAVE to make Annie lunch. I gave her a bath and braided her hair, feelong a sense of accomplishment that at leat my children are clean and cared for.

I feel the pull of the depression, trying to drag me under. My family pulls me the other way. they need me. I need to live.

Besides the sadness, there is fear. I am afraid this will go on forever. I feel hopeless. Even though I have been in the shadow only a few days, I can't remember what it feels like to be ok.

The depression seems to have scared the eating disorder away. I have no appetite to want to binge. I'm trying to eat whatever sounds good, which isn't much. Today I am living off of caffiene and jellybeans. I don't care about restricting. I don't care if I am fat, or thin. I just don't care.

I see Dr. S on thurs, but I think I need to see a psychiatrist. With all the meds I take, I should be feeling better than this. I made a psych appt but the soonest they could get me in is april 7. Oh well it's better than nothing. Oh yes and my T is out of town.

I dont have much else to say.

oh crap

It might be post-trip fun withdrawl, or all the activity is finally catching up with me and I am really, really tired. Or maybe it is that I no longer have something to look forward to. Whatever. I've been sinking in it all day.

Here's a clue:

Chris and I were watching tv and that travel site commercial with the lawn gnome comes on. The one where the gnome is sitting in his living room and it is snowing outside and he is going "de da le da de de de! I got to get out of here!". Chris turned to me and asked "is that what it felt like today?". I think he asked me this because the weather was crappy and snowy out today. Anyways, here is my response: "Yeah, I felt like that, like I really wanted to get out of the house, except I really didn't want to go anywhere because I was too anxious and depressed, and I didn't think that leaving the house would help that, because basically the problem is me, and it doesn't matter where I go, so I don't really want to go anywhere, what I really want is to be NOWHERE, to somehow get out of myself or not exist or be conscious for awhile, except that is not really possible, its the sort of feeling that makes you want to take drugs, like remember when I used to take Xanax all the time, it wasn't because I wanted to be high, it was because I just didn't want to feel this anymore, like for a few hours I wanted to just feel normal, or just ok."

Then it dawned on me that I was rambling, that I was all choked up and my eyes were welling up, and that Chris' question wasn't serious anyways.

please let this just be a bad day.

Great Wolf Lodge pictures

We are back! We had a really great time! This is the front lobby of the hotel. I didn't take pictures of the whole lobby, but to the left is a big fireplace with a huge real moose mounted over it. What you are looking at in this picture is the clock. Every night there is a show, the animals and the totem poles "come alive" and sing songs and dance and tell a story. Kids from all over the hotel come down in their pajamas and sit on the floor and watch. After the show, a hotel staff person comes out and reads a story, and the Riley the Wolf (dude in a wolf suit) comes out and the kids get to hug him and take pictures with him. I took some pictures but they didn't turn out cause my stupid phone camera doesn't have a flash.
Emma pretending to be a wolf in our room.

We got the "Wolf Den Suite", with the girls having their very own wolf cave with bunkbeds and their own tv. They loved it!

Emma coloring pictures durring some down time at the "Cub Club". Kids can also do crafts in the Cub Club; Annie painted a turtle bank.

Here's Annie frollicking in front of her favorite part of the water park- the wave pool! The waterpark was huge- it had three big areas; this was only part of it. I didn't take any more pictures of the waterpark because I didn't want to carry my phone around with me. But trust me, it was awesome! We had a blast, there was so much to do!

Emma and I spending quality time in the arcade!

Having ice cream at the Bear Paw Sweet Shop! Annie had bubble gum ice cream with real bubble gum in it, and i'm pretty sure she ate most of the gum. On the way back to our room she held her stomache and said "my tummy hurts"!

Just a picture of the girls.

We had so much fun! I was so sad to leave! I really wish I had taken more pictures. i didn't take any of the Magic Quest because the game building was so dark they wouldn't turn out. But seriously, we were there 3 days, only left the hotel once (to eat), and were never bored! There is so much to do there. And it was really great that my inlaws could go too, so the cousins could play and we had grown ups to hang out with. I guess I don't know what else to say about the trip. except that we had a really good time and i wish it was longer.

ready to go

It's 5 am and I'm wide awake. Today we are leaving on our mini-vacay to the Great Wolf Lodge in the Wisconsin Dells and i am so excited! It seems like we have been looking forward to this forever! We packed and cleaned the house last night, and made arrangements for a friend to come look in on the animals. My brother and sister in law are going too, but we are not driving together because they are leaving from Waterloo. But this is so great for the kids, because they each have a girl cousin their age who will be there. The Great Wolf Lodge is this huge northwoods-themed hotel with an indoor waterpark and restraunts and spa and gift shops and tons of other stuff. One really fun thing for Emma to do there is play MagicQuest. You but a wand at the MagicQuest gift shop and activate it and then you go on quests all over the hotel. You look for things, like portraits on the wall or treasure chests or little animals, suits of armor, all kinds of things. When you point the wand at them they light up and talk to you and tell you clues or give you treasure points or whatever. There are different quests you can go on, you have to solve riddles and find different things and stuff like that. It is really cute because all over the hotel there are little kids running around with their wands, all excited.

Well , one thing I have not really been mentioning on here is that for at least a month I have been planning to lose weight for this trip. At first it was like "ok the trip is in 3 weeks. I have to lose x lbs". And then it was like "one week left. Try to lose all the weight you can". And when that didn't happen it was "2 days left...liquid fast", which also did not happen. I think I just know better. Especially the liquid fast. I really wanted to do it, but then i just kept thinking "I will be cranky and tired on the trip and then it will be no fun. Also, what if I overdid it on the fast and got sick and we couldn't go?". So in the end I didn't lose any weight. I think I have even gained weight. I don't know. I have this mistaken belief that in order to have fun I have to be thin. I have to remind myself that lots of people of all shapes and sized go on trips and have fun. They probably have more fun, because they are not worrying about eating or weight or whatever. So that is what I am going to try to do.

Sometimes I feel like I am one of those people on those weight loss commercials that used to be really heavy and they talk about what is was like before they lost the weight. How they used to avoid people and didn't like to go out or do fun things because they felt uncomfortable and embarrassed about their weight. I feel that way alot. Except I'm not freaking fat! There, I said it. I'm not fat!!!!! But why do I feel so fat? Why do I feel such despair when I look in the mirror? Why am I so ashamed of my body?

Oh well. I do not really want to think about all that right now. I just want to go and have fun for a few days with my family. So that is what I am going to do.

Expect a long picture post when I get back!

pics from the Botanical Center

Here are a few pictures to go with my last post about our morning at the botanical center.

Above is a beautiful flower- I cant' remember what it is called. Bet Cammy knows :).
Here are the girls doing a coloring activity on the balcony.

Here's us!

Ok so this picture is sideways. Deal with it.

Bananas.

There were some pretty big fish in there.

Some beautiful orchids.

These trunks/roots/whatever are all from one tree.

More orchids.

Emma and an orchid.

Waterfall.

The girls, right when we first got there.

This is a great place to visit when you are just about sick of the cold, gray Iowa winter. We really had a nice time.

Hope everybody is having a nice Sunday!

we got out da house!

So Emma is home from school today for spring break. I woke up rough, in a bad mood, with a major headache, and had a strong feeling that it was not going to be a good day. I sat on the couch, doing my usual internet crap in my pj's, but I had a feeling that I just wanted to escape the house. Get the heck out of here. I sat there and thought about it a bit and decided it would be fun to go into Des Moines to the zoo. We have a membership afterll, might as well use it. So I got ready and got the kids ready but when we got outside it was cloudy and colder than I thought it would be. So as we hit the road I informed then of a quick plan change. We would not go to the zoo, we would go to the Des Moines Botanical Center. Annie started to cry and I felt bad; she really wanted to go to the zoo. But I told her we would go another day. I told her that today we were going to the JUNGLE! So she got a little excited about that.

Getting to the Botanical Center was kind of nervewracking. It is right in downtown Des Moines and I didn't know where I was going, but eventually we found it. The minute we stepped into the warm, tropical air I knew I had made the best choice. The air was moist and fragrant, and everywhere there were palms and flowers and tropical plants. It is like a jungle under a huge dome. There are paths through it and a stream with koi and a waterfall. The girls were delighted! We explored the different kind of trunks and leaves and flowers; we even found a banana tree with little bananas growing on it. There was also a little desert section with all kinds of cactuses (cacti?), large and small, thin and fat and flowering. We watched a small bird hopping near a cactus. We watched the fish in the stream and saw a painted turtle. There was a coloring activity upstairs and we sat and colored for awhile. It was just a nice time.

On the drive home as I was listening to the girls playing in the backseat with the toys I got them at the gift shop, I felt a surge of love for them swell in my heart. A feeling of joy just came over me. It is so rare lately for me to feel truly happy that I just basked in the sensation. I thought about my girls. It is truly amazing that I have them in my life. And I thought about the fact that they save my life, every day, and make it liveable. They pull me out of myself and remind me that the world is not all about me. It is easy for me to forget this. I get so wound up in thinking about myself, MY depression, MY recovery, MY goals, MY appointments, MY illness. The girls have shown me a world outside of all of this. A world where happiness is found not in self-denial, but in discovery and simple pleasures. Like coloring a picture, or finding a secret hiding spot in a tree trunk, or sharing a funny joke or a hug.

I don't know where I would be without Emma and Anne. Probably in some crappy group home. I don't really want to think about it. The point is, I love my girls. They are the greatest blessing in my life.
I will post some pictures of today later.

another day in this girl's life

Hello.

I think I have writer's block. Either that, or I am running out of things to say. Original thoughts on life, recovery, or anything important. Stuff like that. I go back and read my early blog entries and they just seem more interesting.

Hmmm, for lack of better subject material, I think I will just share the highlights of my day.

So far today I ....

1. Fed my children Fruit Loops and Apple Jacks for breakfast. I am not participating in the "War on Obesity".
2. Took Emma's snowpants and boots to her school this morning, as she left them behind.
3. Went to therapy. Third session this week. It was pretty good.
4. Tried (and failed) to find a "free panty" at Victoria's Secret in size medium. Actually, I did eventually find an ugly gray pair, but Annie started jumping up and down and telling me she had to go potty "real bad" so I just threw the panties back on the display and hurried off. Was too tired to come back and buy them.
5. Had several million Diet Cokes.
6. Took my kids to the library where, as usual, I got waaay to many books. Like, so many that I couldn't carry the bookbag. Emma took one handle and I took the other.
7. Struggled with BAD body image all day. I feel like something that should be shot and made into salami.
8. Started reading a good book.
9. Made a lovely chicken dinner for my family.
10. Went to Hy-Vee to pick up my prescriptions. Coached myself verbally (out loud) to go to the door marked PHARMACY and not the door marked LIQUOR. Was successful, but appeared crazy talking to myself in the parking lot.
11. Made several impulse buys of Easter candy (cadburry mini eggs, Brachs jelly beans, tootsie pops for Chris).
12. Came home and put on my pajamas.

I know, I know, thrilling. But wait, there's more!

I am off to put Annie to bed and give myself an enema (totally necessarry).
Then I will eat candy and read while Emma watches E.T..

That's all, folks.
'night!

best therapist ever

I swear, Kim is the best therapist ever!

I realized today after i wrote my last post that I was freaking out and needed some support. SO I got squeezed in to see my therapist. I got there, sat down on the couch, and started shaking and freaking and talking really fast. Kim got me to focus on the past few days an pinpoint when things got really bad. Well, I realized that while I kind of overdid things all week last week and was kind of stressed out by friday, the sh*t didn't really hit the fan until after my visit to Cedar Rapids on sat. I was talking about it with Kim all these emotions started coming out. You know, those messy emotions that make your nose and eyes run, choke you up and have you gasping for air. Those kind of emotions.

I am post-therapy now and doing much better. I was able to make dinner (including asparagus) and even go shopping with the family. Was horrified while trying on swimsuits, but that is another post.

But the most important thing, I think, is I made it through this with no drinking, self-harm, and no Xanax! A major accomplishment!

5 alarm mental health emergency

Ok so maybe the title is a little bit dramatic but holy crap this is how I feel! It's like I woke up on the crazy side of the bed on Sat and just have been going downhill ever since. I am extremely anxious, feel like my skin is crawling, don't want to talk to anyone, deal with anyone, or be around anyone. Somehow I made it to church yesterday but it was torture. I felt I should go , though, since it was my weekend with Emma and I want her to go to church. But I could not wait to go home, dose myself with seroquel, and lay on the couch the rest of the day.
I did try to salvage some dignity as a mother, and managed to let the girls help me make a cake, actually two little cakes. Then I gave them each a cake and some frosting and sprinkles and let them have at it! They had lots of fun and each made a very crazy, colorful, creative cake. It was kind of something they could do that they didn't need too much help with, so that was good. Then I sent them out to play outside since it was a nice day. i just couldn't deal with them. Does that sound awful? Chris was home but he was taking one of his marathon sunday afternoon naps. Hello, crazy wife falling apart in the livingroom! But I didn't ask for help so I cant really blame him.
So, last night I threw out all of my flavoring extracts, because I was on the verge of drinking them (they are like 80% alcohol). But man, I woke up crazy this morning and am not handling things well. I had to go to 2 different grocery stores, and register Annie for preschool, and I had to bring both girls because Emma is out of school. This afternoon I have to take Baby to the vet, then drop the girls back home and go to Emma's parent teacher conference. I was seriously considering stopping at the store on the way back from conferences and getting a few of those tiny bottles of vodka. Some other things I have considered: Killing myself, harming myself, taking myself to the psych ward. I have decided to fill the single dose of Xanax that is supposed to be for dental appointments and take it this afternoon after conferences, in place of the aforementioned options. Now don't everyone jump on my back, I really consider this the lesser of all evils. After all, my husband would be really mad if I drank, plus I'm not really supposed to drink on my medications. Killing myself is not a good choice. Niether is going to the psych ward. I seriously doubt they could help me feel better. Niether is going all psycho-bitch-freak-out on my husband and kids because I cant keep it all together. So I am taking the damned Xanax and I am going to have a nice lovely evening and cook some asparagus for dinner, because it was on sale.

The end.

blah

I can't tell if I am so tired because I am depressed, or depressed because I am so tired.

How is it that I am on twice-daily methylphenidate (stimulant), yet my @ss is still magnetically attracted to the couch.

Also, my body image is in the toilet. Today is one of those days when it seems that all my problems would be solved if I lost 20 pounds.

Sigh.

On a more positive note, I built an awesome snow fort with my kids the other day. We have a mold for making snow bricks, so the fort looked all proffessional and stuff. I was going to take a picture, but then one of the walls collapsed (it was kind of a warm day). And, my date with Emma was lots of fun! It was really nice to spend some quality time with her. We went bowling and played arcade games and bounced in the bounce house.

I'm trying to look at the positive things. I'm trying to find sources of self-esteem that are not based on looks/weight. I guess feeling good about myself as a parent is part of that. When I am feeling bad about myself and all the ways I fall short, my knee jerk reaction is to fall back on restricting to cope. But I know better now. That isn't going to help anything. Still, the thought of losing weight is just so seductive.

I don't even know what I am talking about right now. My brain is tired and I'm rambling. I must pull myself together because in a few minutes Annie and I are going to go visit some friends. Then i am just going to take it easy I think. Tomorrow I have a plan to go with the girls to Cedar Rapids and see my mom and sister. There is a nature center there that is having a maple syrup festival and we might go to that (if I get on the road by 8 in the morning!). But while I am looking forward to seeing my family, I am kind of dreading such a big day, because Chris isn't coming as he has homework to do. I like it better when he comes because he helps with the girls, plus if I get really tired he could drive home. But tomorrow I have to do it all myself. I think it will be ok, if I get to bed early tonight.

Blah blah blah I'm probably borring the crap out of anyone reading this. BTW i haven't been commenting so much on blogs lately because my brain has just felt like mush and I feel I have nothing useful to say. But I am thinking of everyone and reading and keeping up. Hopefully my higher functions will come back online soon :)

thoughts on being a better mom

Lately I have been feeling like kind of a crummy parent. I mean, I make sure my kids are clothed and fed and sheltered and stuff like that, but I don't feel like I have had much to give them emotionally the last few weeks. It just seems like I am so tired all the time, and feeling run down and worn out, that I am just counting the hours until bedtime, and the children are being entertained more and more by the TV or video games. And I feel really bad about this. I never wanted to be the kind of mom who just sat around and let her kids watch tv all day.

I think it is worse with Emma. Annie and I are together all day, and usually erlier in the day I have more energy and we do something fun, like go to Playpals or have a playdate with friends or something. But by the time Emma gets home from school I am so wiped out that I am semi-shut down and just feeling like I need a break. So she kind of gets the short end of the stick as far as quality time with me goes.

I was talking about this with my therapist Kim yesterday and it helped me feel a little better. I was able to see that if I truly were a "bad" mom, I wouldn't even recognise what is going on or be concerned about it. I would think "well my kids have food, clothes, and a place to live, so they are ok". But I know where I am lacking and am making plans to do better.

It is hard when I have a limited amount of physical and emotional energy, and there are priorities, things that NEED to get done, like housework, dinner, ect. But I can make small goals. For example, the sun is shining, and I have a goal to play outside with Annie in the snow today after lunch. We dont even have to go out for a long time, but at least like a half hour or something. And tomorrow i am taking Emma out for a "date" to Perfect Games video arcade/bowling place.

Part of this is staying on top of my ED, too. When I am not eating or taking care of myself, everything gets harder. I have no energy, I am cranky and irritable. Also, I hate the way the Ed pulls me into my own head. I am not able to really be tuned in to my childrn because my mind is filled with thoughts of food and weight and stuff like that. It is like being in the same room with my kids, but being totally seperate. But really, all the ED stuff is just so meaningless! I mean, how will I feel if I look back at the end of my life, and realize that I wasn't there for my kids because I was preoccupied with controlling my weight?!

I really just want want our family to have a quality life, instead of just passing time. Does that make sense? There have been several reminders in my life lately that you never know what the future holds. I cannot protect my kids from things like natural disasters and serious illnesses. So what can I do? I can help make positive memories and happy times with the time that we do have on this earth. There are no guaranties that we will all be here tomorrow. All we have is today. I know i can do better to make every "today" the best it can be.

P.S. can you tell I watched the movie "2012" last night?