I have to post right now. Then I am going to quit procrastinating and start my day.
I am struggling right now. I am of two minds. I woke up this morning with thoughts of restricting. The forcast for this week calls for weather in the 70's and while this makes me very happy, the thought of going through my shorts to see if any of them fit fills me with dread. I have a strong feeling that they will all be too small, as I have gained (restored) since last summer.
I do not want to buy new shorts in larger sizes. I want my old shorts to fit.
I can't stand this. I'm tired of feeling sick to my stomach every time I look in the mirror. The fat thighs that touch. Stomach that sticks out. Curves in all the wrong places. Fat on my back (new since i hit my 30's). I'm sick of having to dress to camouflage my flaws and my body. I want to be thin and confident. I want to feel beautiful.
I like eating normally. Being able to sit down to dinner with my family and have what they are having, knowing I am being a good role model to my girls. I like having energy to do the things I want to do. I like not being crabby and lightheaded. It's nice not to be obsessed, not to have food and calories fill my head every waking hour. I'm glad I can eat normally at family functions and not have to run to that bathroom afterwards to purge, filled with shame.
I just want it all. I want to eat; I want to be thin. I want to be healthy; I want to lose weight. I want to be naturally thin, but i am not. I want to have long legs and smooth, cellulite-free thighs. This will never happen (even if I do lose weight). Why do I refuse to accept this? Its almost childlike, the way I continue to butt heads with reality. I need to grow up. I need to move on.
How do I do this?
Judgement and Regrets
1 month ago