brag

guess who is home alone with Pizza Hut pizza and totally not bingeing and purging?

yes, that would be me and my awesomeness!

I am a pillar of self-restraint. Who knew?



And yes, I am aware that I spelled "obesity" wrong in my last post and probably all of blogland is laughing at my lack of skills. It's ok, I'm laughing too ;)

the "new obeisity"

Saw this on the news last night and it really pissed me off.

Research by the Mayo Clinic has lead them to the conclusion that around 50% of americans considered to be in the normal weight range are actually obese because of a higher than desirable body fat percentage. This is called "normal weight obeisity". Apparently, this condition puts you at the same risk for heart disease and diabetes as being obese in the traditional sense.

ok, so I am at a normal weight, but I have a high body fat percentage. This is partly heredity, and partly because I have lost lots of lean muscle mass durring episodes of anorexia. Now, anyone who has read this blog knows that i really struggle with body image. I feel like a freaking land monster most days and thats putting it mildly. I have to remind myself of the cold hard facts. I am at a normal weight for my height. I have a healthy BMI. I am not fat.

But according to the folks at Mayo, I am obese????

I think this whole "war on obiesity" is going just a little too far. True, it is a national health crisis. But my 8 year old has come home from school and told me that she learned that candy bars are "bad". I know someone who has been told that her kindergartener is "at risk" for obiesity because his bmi is out of the normal range. Never mind that he is a head taller than any of his classmates and still growing!

So now not only do we have to worry about our weight, and our BMI, we have to make sure our body fat percentage is not too high, or we may be labled "obese".

Give me a freaking break.

ode to an electric blanket

I got an electric blanket yesterday. This thing is freaking awesome. I love it so much I wrote a poem about it.

electric blanket

Dear electric blanket
I bought you yesterday
You were so freakin' expensive
But gladly I did pay.

Yet, electric blanket
I must complain some more
That ugly baby blue
Was the last color left at the store.

But oh, my electric blanket
When I got you home
And plugged you in and heated you up
You were so soft and warm!

I need you, electric blanket
To come to my rescue, please
For my internal body temperature
Hovers at 97.5 degrees

I wish I could stay forever
With you my electric blanket
And never leave the couch
But my husband couldn't take it!

So dear electric blanket
I must leave you for a while
the housework must be done
laundry waits in a pile

But come tonight, when the kids go to bed
My dear electric friend
I'll meet you back here on the couch
To snuggle until day's end.

does my rabbit have pica?

For anyone who hasn't seen these pictures before, this is Baby.
I got Baby last fall, in lieu of getting pregnant. Basically, i wanted something small and cute to cuddle and take care of, but recognised that having another baby at this time was a really bad idea. Hence the name.

i love Baby, but i am worried about him. For three days now he has been eating his hair. I have no idea why he is doing this. He has plenty of food and timothy hay. I brush him to help with shedding. But he sits in his cage, yanking out bits of hair and eating them.

This is especially worrisome because, unlike cats, rabbits cannot throw up a hairball. A hairball can cause an intestinal blockage and kill them. I am just worried i am going to wake up and find him dead in his cage one morning.

There was this pet store we used to go to when I was a kid that had a big old parrot name Herkie. As Herkie got older, he started losing it and pulled out all his feathers. He looked ridiculous, with feathers on his wings and head, but a bald, skinny chicken-bone body.

Is Baby losing his mind? Am I not providing him with enough enrichment? Or is this just a phase?

the zofran

ok so I know my posts have been a bit on the whiny side lately. Sorry for that, but having "mystery illness" is kinda bringing me down. Today is going to be more of the same. Have you ever heard the saying that goes "the cure is worse than the disease"? I think I am experiencing a bit of that.
Like i said yesterday, Dr. S. gave me some Zofran for the nausea. Well I took some fri night and
it gave me a real headache and made my hands itch and just made me feel weird in general. So yesterday I decided not to take it. I woke up feeling ok and not nauseated so I kind of hoped that the worst was behind me. After a very lazy morning we decided to pack up and go to Des Moines to the BIG mall. The place was a zoo but we had a fabulous time. I got some sweet deals on some stylish clothes and got some cute jammies for the girls and some Wii games. But towards the end I was starting to feel sick. Still, I could not resist hitting the Starbucks on the way out. BIG mistake. The coffee in my already upset tummy just made everything worse, and I got super sick in the car and spent the drive home with my head between my knees trying not to puke but wishing i would and JUST GET IT OVER WITH! When we got home I took a Zofran right away and sat down with some gatorade and crackers and after a bit my stomach started to settle and i even had some dinner. But then the real fun started...

My arms and legs began to tingle and then I began to feel a pain that can only be described as being stung by hundreds of bees up and down my body. my chest and back hurt and my head hurt. Then my neck muscled began to spasm. It was very painful and scary. I called First Nurse and talked to a nurse, who told me that I was likely having a reaction to the zofran. But since it wasnt an anaphylactic reaction iit was not a medical emergency, unless the pain got so bad i could not stand it. Then I could go to the ER and they would just treat the pain. I really strongly considered going to the er, but I was very tired and didn't feel like being a non-emergent case in the city's only ER on a saturday night, if you know what I mean. So I took some tylenol and just dealt with it.

So here it is the next day and i am still in pain. Mostly it is my arms and hands, but there is intermittent leg pain and chest pain. And the huge headache. It comes and goes but the last few hours have been bad. I feel very discouraged and am starting to be scared that it is something worse than a drug reaction. I mean, I took the zofran a full 24 hours ago! Unless it is taking it this long to get out of my system...

One good piece of news is that I have not been nauseated yet today. Also, I was up early this morning (thank you, pain) so I decided to make it to early church. I went with Emma and heard a really great sermon and was glad I went. Also, I went to a birthday party with my family today even though I didn't feel like going and had a really great time. I feel like I have been under the weather forever (even though it has only been about a week) but I am trying not to let it run my life or effect my family too bad.

So now my dilemma is, do I call the dr tomorrow and tell him about this weekend? I just don't know. I don't want to be a pain in the butt. I don't want him to think I am malingering or drug seeking or hypochondriatic. But crap, i just want to feel OK for one day!

Here is what I think. If I am still in this pain tomorrow i will call. I will call if I am nauseated (since obviously I can't take the zofran). But if i feel ok tomorrow I will not call, and I will just wait until I see him in a few weeks to tell him what happened with the zofran.

Sounds like a plan.

Oh yes, it has been a full week since i have purged :)

sick......of ED

I haven't felt like writing for a few days. I have just been feeling like crapola. My stomach has been so nauseated that doing anything has been hard. And then of course when i am feeling sick the depression gets worse. Its like I function at a certain level most of the time. I barely get by but am able to accomplish most of the things I need to do. But if I get sick, or something else happens, it throws everything off and I totally crash and burn. Even something fairly minor like a little nausea (plus another dental debacle that I dont really want to get into) had me on the therapists couch thurs crying and talking about how I just want to die and thinking about going into the hospital blah blah blah. But since I really DO NOT in my rational mind want to be in the hospital we talked through things and came up with some things that could help me cope ect.

I did not want to see Dr. Sean about the nausea because i did not want to have to tell him I went off the Seroquel. I was planning to tell him at our next appointment. I just thought it would look better to tell him when I was doing fine and not in a crisis or whatever. I was just worried that he would be mad and fire me as a patient or somehow force me to take the seroquel or something like that. I used to be court comitted to this supervised adult living program where a worker came to my house every morning and gave me my med and watched me take it. she used to come really early and would not climb the stairs to my second story apt so I would have to drag myself out of bed and sit down at the bottom of the stairs in my jammies and it was just really humiliating and a pain in the butt. The purpose of me relating this heartwarming tale is to explain why i get a little paranoid sometimes. People have said to me recently "well just don't take your medication if you dont want to noone can force you" and I just smile and think "you have no idea".

Anyways, back to Dr. Sean. He is a winner and a star in my book. He said "I have to tell you that I think you should not have stopped the seroquel. Thats my job to tell you that just so you know.". Then he asked me how I have been doing off the seroquel and he agreed with me that i may just be more depressed because I have been sick. I feel like he totally respected my decision and didn't try to talk to me like I was a child or a mental degenerate or whatever. He gave me some generic zofran for the nausea and told me to call mon if I wasn't better, otherwise to come back in a month.

Ok so here's the kicker. I took the zofran and decided that I didn't like it because I missed feeling sick! The thing is, when I was nauseated i never felt like eating and getting my appetite back scared me. As much as I want to get myself feeling better my ED is telling me that I need to stay sick so I can restrict and lose weight. How messed up is that. Don't you love how ED takes a minor thing like a brief stomach bug and makes it all complicated. Stupid ED.

Well today I am just going to take it one day and one meal at a time. Better yet, I am going to try to get out of my own head and focus more on spending time with my family and not thinking about food or ED. I need a break.

Love and hugs everybody!


BTW, if you want to see a cute picture of Dr. Sean go to mcfarlandclinic.com or google "mcfarland clinic"to get to the website. Then go to "find a doctor" and then "select a doctor" or "search doctors" until you get to Sean Juguilon and click on it then you should see his picture. Except he has long hair now that her parts straight down the middle and tucks behind his ears. He usually wears something dorky, which makes him seem more human. Yesterday it was striped dress slacks and a green sweatshirt.

ice storm

so, we had a wicked ice storm in the night and Emma's school was cancelled for today. Chris still had to go to class today though (stupid). Also, my doctor's office called this morning and cancelled my appt because Dr. Sean is sick. They asked if I wanted to come in and see someone else but I said no. I have an appt with Dr. S. next week and my chest is feeling a bit better so i think I am ok. Also, I called the ask a nurse hotline last night because it was feeling pretty bad and the nurse said from what I was describing it sounded like a gallbladder attack. So I looked gallbladder stuff up online and it kind of looks like that is what it was. I thought only old people had problems with their gallbladders! So if any of you have had experience with this I would be interested to hear about it.

So here is my moment of ED stupidity for the day:

I was feeling some anxiety about lunch, plus I really wanted a lemon bar, so I decided to eat the lemon bar and then purge everything. This despite the whole chest pain/throwing up blood thing. In fact, ED convinced me that it would actually be a good thing if I threw up! That way, I could kind of "check out" if i was still bleeding. Ok, have you ever heard anything more ridiculous? But I totally bought it so I grabbed my pampered chef pie server and started trying to pry a lemon bar out of the pan. I was shoving the point of the pie server into the bars with such force that it slipped loose and totally gashed my thumb, which hurt like crazy. After hopping around the kitchen and dropping the S-bomb a few times I checked out my thumb and it did not look good. But dood, I am home alone with the girls and the van is totally iced over and i have no idea how I will make it to the urgent care for stitches. So in the end, I have decided to tape it up with some butterfly tape I found in our first aid kit and hope for the best.

I did not pursue the lemon bar (or the purge) any further. I took the whole thing as a SIGN that i am not supposed to purge today and I had better straighten up and fly right otherwise more crappy things are going to happen to me.

Later I did de-ice the van and try to take the girls to Wal-mart, only to get stuck in the parking lot. Fortunately my neighbors were kind enough to push me back into my parking spot. So I guess I am stuck here for today. AND it is Chris' long day at school.

The walls are totally starting to close in. Oh well, at least I still have my laptop and my sense of humor.

a little better

Yesterday went a little better. I had therapy and was able to talk out some of my feelings about "the purging incident" and Chris and feeling deppressed and like a failure ect. My T suggested that I have a talk with Chris about what he might be thinking and feeling, especially in regard to the previous night. So last night I asked Chris why he didn't say anything when I told him I had thrown up blood and was in pain. He told me he didn't say anything because he was annoyed.

Whoa.

I can understand being annoyed, but what about overriding that feeling so you can respond to your wife when she could be having a potential medical crisis??? Not to be dramatic, but I was so hurt! Have things really gotten so bad that that he would rather just ignore me, pretend nothing was happening? I guess I should not ask him these questions if I cannot handle the truth.

To be fair, I have talked to my T before about what it must be like to be married to me. I can understand feeling "burned out" from dealing with someone with a chronic illness, mental or otherwise.

Anyway, Chris and I talked more later about things and he told me that he is just really concerned that I am going to be hospitalized and that he can't handle school and the kids by himself (and again, I was a little hurt that his first concern wasn't that i could die). I know is sucks for him when i am in the hospital. Well, I told him that, given my signifigant mental illness, plus the fact that I have been hospitalized 20 times for it, it is likey that at some point in the future I would need inpatient care again. That said, I didn't think i would be in the hospital any time soon. I reminder him that despite what happened the other night, I have been making alot of progress in the area of my eating disorderr. I mean, i went nearly 3 weeks without purging! I am maintaining a healthy weight. i am working on finding a dietitian.

My biggest danger of hospitalization right now is my worsening depression and anxiety. But I am working really hard on staying safe. I am in therapy twice a week. I am trying to get my meds right. I am combating negative thoughts and fighting to see the positives in my life.

So onward, I guess. I am thinking about calling my doctor today because my chest/esophagus still really hurts. I don't know if it is my esophagus, or if I have pulled a muscle in my chest from purging, which I have done before. I just don't want to call him because I feel stupid.

One quick positive thing- you know how yesterday was a national day of service? Emma and i went to a local volunteer center and filled care kits for women and children at the DV center. Emma has such a giving heart, and I am tring to find ways for her to experience the joy of being involved in the community and helping others. unfortunately there atre not alot of volunteer opportunities around here for kids her age. But we had fun together yesterday and it was nice to do something, just Emma and me. I think that helping others who are less fortunate also cultivates an appreciation for what we have. It seems like alot of the focus with the girls is on toys and clothes and things they want, and it is nice to be reminded that we truly are blessed just to have a home and eachother.

Love you all.

UPDATE:
I did call Dr. Sean's office and talked to the nurse. The dr is out sick today but I am going in to see him tomorrow morning. i feel like a big dummy but also a little relieved that I am going to be checked out.

no title

Today I am pretty low. Something really crappy happened last night.

I was purging and I had this really bad pain in my chest/throat and threw up some blood. I didn't know what to do so I just stopped purging and went and got my husband (who was in bed) and told him what happened and that I was scared. He didn't really say anything and since it was only a little blood and the pain had stopped as soon as I stopped purging I decided to just go to bed. I was pretty freaked out though. I just lay there for awhile and prayed and hoped I wasn't bleeding internaly.

I thought repeatedly about my girls. They were my first thought I had when I saw the blood. I just kept thinking about how my little angels were asleep in the next room and I couldn't let their momma die on the floor of the bathroom.

I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I just want to hide from the world. I feel stupid for saying something to my husband last night. Especially since he didn't say or do anything. He's probably just tired of all of this.

Why did I even stay up late last night and binge anyway? I should have just gone to bed, I could use the sleep.

I need to get it together and salvage my day. I feel like my soul has left me, and I am like a robot or a zombie or something. I feel so empty inside. I have therapy in a bit. I need to work through this and come out of it somehow.
I feel like i am worthless but I know that isn't true.

good news and clarification

I did not purge!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!

Like I told that girl at the group, sometimes recovery is uncomfortable. But I have never regretted not purging.

That said, i need to clarify something. That is, i am not on a purge-free streak anymore, unless you count one day as a streak. I purged Thurs and Fri (not Jasmines lasagna). I just didn't blog about it because I am trying not to see it as a huge failure or make a big deal about "breaking the streak". The truth is, i was pretty dissappointed in myself.

I am trying not to think in black or white. Example: "I had three weeks purge free, but then I purged and ruined everything!". When I think like that , it is easier for the ED voice to say "what the hell, youv'e ruined everything already, why not just purge".

So, my success yesterday was really important to me. I am trying really hard to challenge old beliefs and thought and behavior patterns. i regret eating everything that I did yesterday (but I think that "normal" eaters sometimes regret eating too much), but I for sure do not regret not purging!

And everyone, it was so nice, all the support I got yesterday! Love you all!

really full...help!

urgh, I feel so yucky right now.

It started earlier today, when i thought going to Perkins for lunch would be a good idea. I was under the mistaken impression that "kids eat free" was all day. Just so you know, it is not all day.

Anyways.

So we were there, and I was feeling pretty mentally healthy and rebellious, and I thought "I do not want to order anything like I would normally get. No salads. No chicken breasts. I'm getting the Captain's Platter.

The Captain's Platter is:
fried fish, fried clams, fried shrimp, fried onions, and french fries. Oh, and a salad.

Yar.

I ate pretty much most of it. By the time I got home I was freaking out mentally. But I thought, ok, ok, this is manageable. I am just done eating for the day. By tomorrow things will be just fine.

So at this point, what I want to ask is, is it eating disordered to not eat for the rest of the day if you have a huge pile of fried grease for lunch? Because it didn't feel like an eating disordered choice. I'm pretty sure my husband was on the same wavelength. He ordered something called the "Tremendous Twelve". I'm not going to even go into what that entailed.

Like I said, I was going to be ok. But then our friends came over to play the Wii, and they brought pizzas.
So i had 1 piece of pizza and 1 crepe with jam. And this was the straw that broke this camel's back.
I want to purge so bad right now my mouth is watering. Sorry to be gross, but there it is.
Still, i am comitted to not purging so instead I am going to take my medication and go to bed.
I will check back in tomorrow and let you know how I do.

values

While I am bragging, I wanted to share a small (huge) success I had yesterday. Usually I am writing about what a screw-up I am, but here is a case in which I did the right thing. Also, I was thinking that maybe sharing this experience might help someone else in a tight spot.

As I may or may not have mentioned, i have fallen back into restricting lately. It started my sticking to only "safe foods" in order to help myself stop purging (and I have been pretty successful with that). But as we all know it is a slippery slope, and I seem to have slipped back into extreme restricting, calorie counting, and obsessing. That, plus Seroquel wwithdrawal is giving me severe nausea and more excuses to not eat.

So anyways, my new and good friend jasmine invited me over to lunch yesterday. i was happy to go, let our kids play, and visit with a good friend. i was not, however, feeling that great about the prospect of eating there. I have no problem eating in front of people. The thing was, I had no idea what she was going to make, and if it would be "okay" to eat it or not. plus, she did not know about my ED. Still, it was just lunch. She might make something light like a salad. I decided to go and do my best.

She made lasagna.

In my mind I was panicking! Lasagna! A perfect combination of foods that I was currently not allowing myself to eat!

So we sat down to eat, after serving the kids, and i am telling myself I would just serve myself a small piece, whatever, when she proceeds to cut and serve me the largest piece of lasagna I think I have ever had in my life!!!!!

As I sat down and faced the cheesy rectangle of doom I considered the facts. Jasmine is a dear friend. Lasagna is not an easy dish (she must have worked hard to make it). She does not know about my ED. Jasmine is from another country, where not eating the one's food may or mar not be incredibly rude (as if it isn't here). I really like jasmine.

So there is only one right decision for me, and it only takes me a split second to come to it.
I will eat the lasagna. i will not freak out.

I am at the point in my life where I really value my frienships. I have found that, for me, true friends are few and far between and I have lost way to many of them to my ED. No more.
The mantra that I kept repeating in my head was "I value our friendship more than my eating disorder. I value our friendship more than thinness."

Eating the lasagna was suprisingly easy, and I didn't even consider purging afterward. To do so would be to dishonor our friendship and the kind act that Jasmine had preformed on my behalf. Later in the day I did have anxiety about the way my stomach was sticking out (or i percieved it was). But I was still glad I ate the lasagna. i did not regret it once.

I thinking about this, I have realized how much I have changed from the early years. Sure, I still have an eating disorder. But there were years when i would have just picked at the meal and said I wasn't hungry, or not even gone, because maintaining my weight was more important than sharing a meal with a friend. Or maybe I would have wolfed down three pieces and excused myself to the bathroom. To my shame, I have done that sort of thing before.

this success came at a good time for me, because as you may know I have been marinating in s sense of failure ever since I went to the support group on tues. It is nice to see that even though I am not ed free I have made progress and in many ways am able to enjoy normal everyday things that I could not before.

That is all.

proud mama post

Ok, I have to brag. Today Emma made me so proud, she brought tears to my eyes.

They talked about the Haiti earthquake in Emma's school yesterday and she came home very concerned about it. Last night we were snuggling in bed and she was asking me questions, so i told her what I knew about conditions over there. How they didn't have food or water in some places. To explain it in terms she would understand, I told her that many people were hurt and they didn't even have any bandaids. That all they had were the clothes on there backs.

Emma really wanted to send them clothes and bandaids. I told her I didn't know how we could do that, but I told her there were agencies like the Red Cross that could get supplies there and they needed money.

Emma decided, all by herself, that she wanted to give her allowance money. She had two weeks worth saved up for something she wanted from Claire's.

After school I took Emma down to the Red Cross with her money. when I told the lady at the desk that my daughter wantd to donate her allowance money, she was quite moved. They made such a big deal about it that I actually got a little embarrased. They took Emma's picture, and wrote her out a reciept and gave her a plastic bracelet that said "I'm a hero". The part that I really liked was when they told her that her money would provide lots of water to people who didn't have any. I put my arm around Emma and we talked about how much we have here and all of our blessings and I got a bit choked up.

I was kind of having a bad day, but witnessing Emma and her simple act of unselfishness put me back in touch with all of the good that is in my little bit of the world. Also (and totally not to brag) sometimes I worry that I'm not a good mom, that I'm not doing a good job with my girls, but I must be doing something right, because man, am I one proud mama tonight!

group, part II

Hm, I don't know where to start. It was totally different than i thought it would be.

I guess I will start with the pre-group trying-on of clothing and mini-meltdown fat attack. Say that three times fast. Well, maybeI won't go there. I think you all have been through it and know what I mean. In the end, I wore something warm, comfortable, and age appropriate. So i guess I did ok with that.

Chris and I got there a few minutes early and we were the only ones there, besides the facilitator. The group only meets once a month (lame) and the facilitator said sometimes they have as few as 2 people and sometimes as many as 12 or so. Right at 7 a teenage-looking girl came in with her parents. They told us that it was their first time at the meeting, too. Nobody else showed up, so we started.

The girl was pretty quiet and nervous and her parents didn't really know what to say, so I started off by telling my story briefly and sharing where I am at now. You know, trying to stay in recovery, motivated but struggling really hard with body image and old behavior patterns, trying to build a life outside the ED. The parents were really desperate to help their daughter any way they could and asked me lots of questions about things that had helped me in the past and I was able to relate alot of my experiences and regrets and successes. They kept saying how glad they were that I was there because it really helped them understand more about EDs so that made me feel pretty good. Chris suprised me by talking quite a bit (for him) about things he has learned as a support person and things that have helped us cope.

I talked directly to the girl a little bit. It seemed like she really did want to get better but was having a hard time getting past the discomfort of eating and gaining weight. I told her about what I know about people who have really recovered in the long term. That recovery is uncomfortable, and the only way through is to eat the food, and not purge, and sit with the feelings, whatever it takes. And then do it all again in a few hours. That really, if you are uncomfortable, you are probably moving in the right direction. But the good news is that over time it becomes easier, until you really are free, and everyone I know who has recovered is glad they did and would never go back.

I also told her that is was important to build a life outside of your eating disorder. Develop hobbies, intrests, things that you get excited about that have nothing to do with food or weight, or even recovery. Be careful to not take on the identity of "eating disorder patient".

I felt like my experience was helpful to this family and that made me feel good. But I left the meeting in a severely depressed state, and this is why:

Because it was just me (31 years old, been doing this 19 years) and her (18 years old, just starting out), I felt like i was basically an illustration of all the things that could go wrong and where her life could end up if she continued in the eating disorder. All the wasted years, the hospitalizations, the failures, the time I can't get back. It all kind of felt like a weight in my chest that over the two hours sort of sank until it sat in my stomach and made me feel sick and nauseated and I just wanted to run home and curl up in my bed.

I wanted to be her. Just starting out. And I could make different choices.

I could have had a LIFE, dammit!

I don't know if i will see them again. I don't know if I will go to the group next month. It may be a completely different experience, depending on who is there.

On a quick side note, the facilitator told us she was from Iowa City and was on staff in the ED program there. You know, the one that I love so much that i refer to it as "evil prison". Well I am proud to say that i was nice and polite and only said "hm, I have been there a few times" and held back the tide of angry bitter negative comments that was rising in my brain.
Score one for resolve and maturity.

group !?!?

Ok, so the local hospital has an eating disorder support group tonight from 7-9pm and I have decided to go. Durring the first hour you can bring a friend or family member and Chris is going to come with me. I am pretty excited about this and a little nervous. I think it would be great even if Chris doesn't talk, because maybe something someone else says will be helpful to him. Also, does this, like, count as a date???

The second hour is what I am more nervous about. I have been in many ED groups in my life, and know from experience that they can be REALLY helpful, or REALLY unhelpful. It just depends on the mix of patients, and their motivation to recover. I just hope it doesn't digress into an hour of "compare & despair", if you know what I mean.

And then there is my own attitude. Don't get me wrong; I will bring my A game. Recovery all the way! But in my mind already I am worrying about if I will be the fattest one there, and I have just put on my ultra-slimming black leggings and an oversized top. So much for maturity and resolve.

I will have to post a part II to this and tell you all how it went. Think positive healthy thoughts for me!!!

ups and downs

Chris and I went out last night for our anniversary. We went to this nice local restaraunt thet we had never been to. I decided to get a steak, since it was a special occasion and I didn't want anything even close to what I usually order (no salads or chicken breast please!). The steak was great, but suuuuper fatty! Like, it even had butter melted on top of it. A bit much. I did really well, though. I just kept telling myself it was a special night and I felt oddly relaxed.

Then we went to Borders which was nice. It was nice to just browse and look at books without kids around. I found a book I really wanted but it was kind of expensive. When I got home I found the book on Amazon for much cheaper, and also another book which looked interesting, and ordered them both. I am excited for them to come and will post more bout them later.

Today started ok. I made a nice lunch and my friend came over and ate with us, and then she and I went to Victoria's Secret to do some shopping. I went a little nuts and spent over $100 which is alot for me. But to my credit I did put back alot of things, so it could have been alot worse.

I got home from shopping and Chris and I and the girls went tothe library. I got a bazillion books and magazines. Then we went to the grocery store and then home.

This is where things started to go downhill. I don't know if it was all the shopping, or maybe the library, or what, but for the last 2 hours I have been getting progressivly more anxious and depressed. It happens this way alot. Even things that are seemingly good, like finding a bunch of good books at the library, or finding good deals, can trigger a "mental shutdown". The only way I can describe it is that it is too much stimulus. Even good stimulus can do me in if there is too much of it. I really can only handle one or two daily activities. Even all the good books I got at the library- its too many choices. Too much. i can't deal.

I have been at the half dose of Seroquel the last week and maybe this has something to do with it. Still, I want to reduce the number of medications so I will press on with that goal.

I still have not purged, I think since the 30th or so. So that is going well. Struggling a bit with restricting though. Oh well, you gain some you lose some (dumb ED joke).

Oh, and it has officially been a year since my last psych hospitalisation, which is some kind of record for me. More on that later.

@*#!

I JUST WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT SO BAD!

I NEEDED today

Today has been much better. Suprisingly so, since it didn't start out that way.

On my way out the door this morning, the dentist office called and cancelled. So much for the Xanax. I was really tempted to take it anyway, but I didn't. Score one for sanity.

Still, I was pretty down about it. Ridiculous, how much I was looking forward to that little blue pill. Now what to do? I thought about going to the gym, but really didnt want to. I killed some time online and found my friend on FB. She invited me over to her house so our girls could play and we could have lunch. So I made some hummus and headed over there with Annie. And had a great time. And REAL coffee.

Later I came home and had a nice bubble bath. Ate a chocolate. Cooked a good dinner for my family. Drank a lovely diet coke.

Babysat my friend's boys so they could move a couch. As in, look how stable I am! I not only care for my own children, but can babysit as well! Honestly, this is huge for me. I felt really good about it.

Now the girls are in bed and I am getting ready to watch a good movie. At least I hope it will be good.

And I haven't purged in a week.

Merry Xanax Eve!

I just had one of the worst therapy sessions ever, which was very disappointing because I have not had therapy for a few weeks and was really looking forward to and needing it. I just don't know what the deal is. I feel like crap. And talking about it doesn't seem to help me feel any better.

We talked about my body image. How fat and gross I feel. My acute dispair and obsession over my aging face. I attatch so much of my self-esteem to the way that I look. I mean, I know people that I don't consider attractive, but they have a magnetic personality, a cool job, or stories about travels and neat experiences. Something about them draws you to them and you just love and want to be around them. I don't feel I have any of that. My therapist said that I do have cool stories, but then I pointed out that most of them involve me being locked up in some kind of psychiatric facility and thats not really the kind of stuff you can just break out at a dinner party (she agreed).

Then we opened a whole other can of worms, which is to say, the fact that I feel like I am a complete failure as a mom. At least with Emma. I think Annie is young enough that I still have time to do better. Ok specifically I have not provided my daughter with a good model of how to be mentally healthy, resillient, optimistic, ect. I fear that Emma is not confident and does not have the skills to handle stress or change. I am worried she will grow up to be deppressed, eating disordered, anxious, have BPD, or all of the above. This weighs heavily on me. This is someone's WHOLE LIFE that I am responsible for and I feel I have failed and there are no do-overs.

We talked about a time in my life when I was doing well. There was about a 9 month window of time when Emma was about one that I was on the right track. I really felt I was "getting better". I told her about when I was younger, and I looked at my eating disorder as something that was finite. It would end. I would recover. One day, it would just click, and whatever therapy or treatment I would be in would just work and I would leave the ED world behind and go on to do the things I've always wanted and be RECOVERED. It made it much easier to live with my ED. I don't feel that way anymore. Somewhere I have lost that hope. Recovery is a word that I hear alot, and I use alot, but if you get right down to it I think (for me) that recovery is some fairy tale that I will never experience. this is my life.

By the end of the session I was feeling such despair that i felt physically sick to my stomach. I really wished we could have wrapped up the session in some kind of positive way and I could shake off that feeling but I just cant seem to. So that's why I'm writing about it. I'm sorry you all have to read this whinging but believe it or not, getting it all out on here helps. And I know that probably some of you know how I am feeling (although I hope that you dont!).

Tomorrow at 8:30 I go to the dentist. That means that in 16 hours I will get to take the single dose of Xanax that has been whispering to me from the bathroom cabinet all week. For those of you who don't know, Xanax is about my favoritest thing in the world, and since I am pretty restricted with it these days, taking it is an occasion. 16 hours. If you count the time that i will spend sleeping, that is really only six more hours I need to get through.

So Merry Xanax Eve to you all, and to all a good night.

Right Now....

it is Monday. Again.

I really need to floss my teeth

the sunshine outside is beautiful

the laundry is going undone

I am the proud owner of a 40 ft popcorn string

my thighs touch

a crow is screeching

anxiety

Annie is playing in her room

I have not had a diet coke in three days

my self esteem is in the toilet

I would really love a Xanax

that is all.

Happy Anniversary Lisa and Chris!

I love this guy!
There is no one I would rather share a cow with.

He is truly my best friend.

6 years! It has gone by so fast! So much has happened. There have been ups and downs, but through it all, we have stuck together. I am so blessed to have found him. I hope Chris knows how much I love him (I think he knows)!

Happy Anniversary Honey!

Happy new year WOOT!

I am feeling really great today! I have not purged since tuesday!!!!! I am in Waterloo and we went to a New Year get together last night and there was SO MUCH FOOD! Usually at an event like that I hold out as long as I can, and then give in and overeat and then sneak off and throw up (except everyone knows what I am doing since they all see me stuffing my face). Last night I was determined to be successful! My strategy at first was to just stick to safe foods. I brought a veggie and lowfat dip tray so there would be somthing I could eat. So I munched on veggies for awhile, but eventually I really wanted to try these three different bean dishes that looked pretty good. So I just had a few spoonfulls of each. Then I started to feel panicky, like I was going to overeat, so I just removed myself from the food and went to hang out in a different part of the house. I got caught up in conversation with friends and family and a miraculous thing happened! I forgot about the food in the other room! Amazing!
I barely made it up until midnight and am now exhausted and ready to go home.
Oh, yes, the doctor's office called me and my potassium is ok. So that is good.
I have a few new year's resolutions:

Drink less pop. Don't know yet how to quantify that. Just "less".

Drink "more" water.

Stop purging (this one is always on the list).

Lose some of the weight I have gained since taking Seroquel (sorry- just being honest).

Be kinder to myself.

Be a good friend.

Have fun!

Ok I had better be done there so I dont get overwhelmed. I can think of about a million areas in my life where I need improvement.

One last thing- sorry I have fallen behind on everyone's blogs. I am out of town and things have been a little hectic. But I have been thinking about you all, old friends, and newcomers to my blog, and look forward to getting back in touch. Also, the support you have given me the last couple of days has been really great. Love you all!