Today I am pretty low. Something really crappy happened last night.
I was purging and I had this really bad pain in my chest/throat and threw up some blood. I didn't know what to do so I just stopped purging and went and got my husband (who was in bed) and told him what happened and that I was scared. He didn't really say anything and since it was only a little blood and the pain had stopped as soon as I stopped purging I decided to just go to bed. I was pretty freaked out though. I just lay there for awhile and prayed and hoped I wasn't bleeding internaly.
I thought repeatedly about my girls. They were my first thought I had when I saw the blood. I just kept thinking about how my little angels were asleep in the next room and I couldn't let their momma die on the floor of the bathroom.
I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I just want to hide from the world. I feel stupid for saying something to my husband last night. Especially since he didn't say or do anything. He's probably just tired of all of this.
Why did I even stay up late last night and binge anyway? I should have just gone to bed, I could use the sleep.
I need to get it together and salvage my day. I feel like my soul has left me, and I am like a robot or a zombie or something. I feel so empty inside. I have therapy in a bit. I need to work through this and come out of it somehow.
I feel like i am worthless but I know that isn't true.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago