Monday, January 18, 2010

no title

Today I am pretty low. Something really crappy happened last night.

I was purging and I had this really bad pain in my chest/throat and threw up some blood. I didn't know what to do so I just stopped purging and went and got my husband (who was in bed) and told him what happened and that I was scared. He didn't really say anything and since it was only a little blood and the pain had stopped as soon as I stopped purging I decided to just go to bed. I was pretty freaked out though. I just lay there for awhile and prayed and hoped I wasn't bleeding internaly.

I thought repeatedly about my girls. They were my first thought I had when I saw the blood. I just kept thinking about how my little angels were asleep in the next room and I couldn't let their momma die on the floor of the bathroom.

I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I just want to hide from the world. I feel stupid for saying something to my husband last night. Especially since he didn't say or do anything. He's probably just tired of all of this.

Why did I even stay up late last night and binge anyway? I should have just gone to bed, I could use the sleep.

I need to get it together and salvage my day. I feel like my soul has left me, and I am like a robot or a zombie or something. I feel so empty inside. I have therapy in a bit. I need to work through this and come out of it somehow.
I feel like i am worthless but I know that isn't true.

6 comments:

Lost in Obsession said...

I am new to your thread and your post really caught my eye. I am sorry you feel this way sweetie. Last week was really a bad week for me and I can relate to how you are feeling. I hope that after therapy you feel better about it and are able to move on.

I did have a question about how your husband feels about your situation? Are you guys open and honest about it?

Tia said...

wow, that would be really scary... I'm so glad you have a T appt today. I always worry about people in my life getting sick of the ED shit and drama in my life. I'm so glad you could approach him last night even though it might not have been the response you wanted... IT's great that you are open :)

Sarah said...

Do you know what iniated the binge/purge? I feel very sad that all happened, and for how you feel. I know you can work through this and it's not the end. I'm glad you reached out to your husband and to us in this post.

I was wondering, if you had any friends (not online/blog) that you talk about your eating disorder and the urges/stress/emotions etc? I have a friend who is bulimic and calling/seeing her and ranting helps a bunch cause I know she gets me. She's not in recovery but being able to talk relieves a lot of my pent up thoughts that could later bite me in the butt.

Love ya.

Eating Alone said...

<> Please be so careful when you do this. It is beyond dangerous. Think of your kids. You might want to think about IP. You might need it for a while. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Katilexis said...

argh, i hate that, when they dont say anything, or dont even make a deal out of it.
i always feel stupid when that happens. like, why do I even tell you anyway?
but its still great that you can talk to him about this, it probably hurts him that your still doing it but he's also probably glad that your not hiding it. its conflict for them. give him time.

Remember that purging makes you keep binging. if you want to stop the binging, stop the purging. you'll have to put up with binging for a while, but then it will go, soon enough.

I believe you can do it.
take care
xox

Zena said...

my darling,

"God grant me the courage to accept the things I can not change, the ability to change the thing I can and the wisdom to know the difference"

Go to my Facebook page and read my "message from god" I think it applies to you as well as me...you are not on this jouney alone, for when you feel like it is to much to bare, he has not left you...he is carrying you.

Please my sweets, see the value in yourself, you are worth fighting for,not just for emma and annie, but for YOU!

much love and prayers,

Tara