I haven't felt like writing for a few days. I have just been feeling like crapola. My stomach has been so nauseated that doing anything has been hard. And then of course when i am feeling sick the depression gets worse. Its like I function at a certain level most of the time. I barely get by but am able to accomplish most of the things I need to do. But if I get sick, or something else happens, it throws everything off and I totally crash and burn. Even something fairly minor like a little nausea (plus another dental debacle that I dont really want to get into) had me on the therapists couch thurs crying and talking about how I just want to die and thinking about going into the hospital blah blah blah. But since I really DO NOT in my rational mind want to be in the hospital we talked through things and came up with some things that could help me cope ect.
I did not want to see Dr. Sean about the nausea because i did not want to have to tell him I went off the Seroquel. I was planning to tell him at our next appointment. I just thought it would look better to tell him when I was doing fine and not in a crisis or whatever. I was just worried that he would be mad and fire me as a patient or somehow force me to take the seroquel or something like that. I used to be court comitted to this supervised adult living program where a worker came to my house every morning and gave me my med and watched me take it. she used to come really early and would not climb the stairs to my second story apt so I would have to drag myself out of bed and sit down at the bottom of the stairs in my jammies and it was just really humiliating and a pain in the butt. The purpose of me relating this heartwarming tale is to explain why i get a little paranoid sometimes. People have said to me recently "well just don't take your medication if you dont want to noone can force you" and I just smile and think "you have no idea".
Anyways, back to Dr. Sean. He is a winner and a star in my book. He said "I have to tell you that I think you should not have stopped the seroquel. Thats my job to tell you that just so you know.". Then he asked me how I have been doing off the seroquel and he agreed with me that i may just be more depressed because I have been sick. I feel like he totally respected my decision and didn't try to talk to me like I was a child or a mental degenerate or whatever. He gave me some generic zofran for the nausea and told me to call mon if I wasn't better, otherwise to come back in a month.
Ok so here's the kicker. I took the zofran and decided that I didn't like it because I missed feeling sick! The thing is, when I was nauseated i never felt like eating and getting my appetite back scared me. As much as I want to get myself feeling better my ED is telling me that I need to stay sick so I can restrict and lose weight. How messed up is that. Don't you love how ED takes a minor thing like a brief stomach bug and makes it all complicated. Stupid ED.
Well today I am just going to take it one day and one meal at a time. Better yet, I am going to try to get out of my own head and focus more on spending time with my family and not thinking about food or ED. I need a break.
Love and hugs everybody!
BTW, if you want to see a cute picture of Dr. Sean go to mcfarlandclinic.com or google "mcfarland clinic"to get to the website. Then go to "find a doctor" and then "select a doctor" or "search doctors" until you get to Sean Juguilon and click on it then you should see his picture. Except he has long hair now that her parts straight down the middle and tucks behind his ears. He usually wears something dorky, which makes him seem more human. Yesterday it was striped dress slacks and a green sweatshirt.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago