Friday, January 15, 2010

values

While I am bragging, I wanted to share a small (huge) success I had yesterday. Usually I am writing about what a screw-up I am, but here is a case in which I did the right thing. Also, I was thinking that maybe sharing this experience might help someone else in a tight spot.

As I may or may not have mentioned, i have fallen back into restricting lately. It started my sticking to only "safe foods" in order to help myself stop purging (and I have been pretty successful with that). But as we all know it is a slippery slope, and I seem to have slipped back into extreme restricting, calorie counting, and obsessing. That, plus Seroquel wwithdrawal is giving me severe nausea and more excuses to not eat.

So anyways, my new and good friend jasmine invited me over to lunch yesterday. i was happy to go, let our kids play, and visit with a good friend. i was not, however, feeling that great about the prospect of eating there. I have no problem eating in front of people. The thing was, I had no idea what she was going to make, and if it would be "okay" to eat it or not. plus, she did not know about my ED. Still, it was just lunch. She might make something light like a salad. I decided to go and do my best.

She made lasagna.

In my mind I was panicking! Lasagna! A perfect combination of foods that I was currently not allowing myself to eat!

So we sat down to eat, after serving the kids, and i am telling myself I would just serve myself a small piece, whatever, when she proceeds to cut and serve me the largest piece of lasagna I think I have ever had in my life!!!!!

As I sat down and faced the cheesy rectangle of doom I considered the facts. Jasmine is a dear friend. Lasagna is not an easy dish (she must have worked hard to make it). She does not know about my ED. Jasmine is from another country, where not eating the one's food may or mar not be incredibly rude (as if it isn't here). I really like jasmine.

So there is only one right decision for me, and it only takes me a split second to come to it.
I will eat the lasagna. i will not freak out.

I am at the point in my life where I really value my frienships. I have found that, for me, true friends are few and far between and I have lost way to many of them to my ED. No more.
The mantra that I kept repeating in my head was "I value our friendship more than my eating disorder. I value our friendship more than thinness."

Eating the lasagna was suprisingly easy, and I didn't even consider purging afterward. To do so would be to dishonor our friendship and the kind act that Jasmine had preformed on my behalf. Later in the day I did have anxiety about the way my stomach was sticking out (or i percieved it was). But I was still glad I ate the lasagna. i did not regret it once.

I thinking about this, I have realized how much I have changed from the early years. Sure, I still have an eating disorder. But there were years when i would have just picked at the meal and said I wasn't hungry, or not even gone, because maintaining my weight was more important than sharing a meal with a friend. Or maybe I would have wolfed down three pieces and excused myself to the bathroom. To my shame, I have done that sort of thing before.

this success came at a good time for me, because as you may know I have been marinating in s sense of failure ever since I went to the support group on tues. It is nice to see that even though I am not ed free I have made progress and in many ways am able to enjoy normal everyday things that I could not before.

That is all.

10 comments:

Lou Lou said...

well done, beautiful mantra, inspired me to develop my own
to help me go to my brothers 21st. which I am struggling with.
well done with jasmine, and also on your last post, that story about emma was so sweet! You have a lot to be proud of at the moment

licketysplit said...

Glad you were able to recognize this huge success as well as your overall progress and enjoy your friendship. Yay for you!

Angela E. Lackey said...

I am so proud of you! That was a very gracious and wonderful thing to do, face your fears and then honor your friend at her meal. That is beautiful and a real sign of understanding on your part - you went outside your eating disorder and respected another culture.
I really admire that! I've struggled with that for years, because I have many Muslim friends and have been invited to various events, in which I struggle with eating. They are very understanding, as they know about my battling anorexia, but someday I hope to be free to really enjoy the different celebrations.
You should be so proud of yourself!

Cammy said...

Congrats on a significant victory! Multiple victories, I think. I'm so glad to hear that you and Jasmine are becoming good friends. And that you were able to put the ED urges aside instead of letting them dictate how you interacted with someone you like/care about.

I understand what you mean about anxiety with eating. I am fine consuming food in front of other people, but not knowing what will be served is a huge deal, as is being served something like lasagna in which it's hard to identify everything in it, and you handled that challenge like a CHAMP!

This post made my day. You are going to get through this, days like this will become more and more common, don't let yourself doubt that!

Telstaar said...

That's amazing Lisa. You did so well and I'm really proud of you.

A side note... reading this really helped me out right now. I went out to brunch today with two good friends. That is fine and they do know about my ed and are really amazing about it etc. But I was thinking on my way home that maybe I sucked or maybe I didn't REALLY have an ed because i DO go and eat out with friends and the like etc... I don't know... it is really different to 10 years ago when I would've made the excuses or purged like you...but these days I LIKE food, its just that ed and my body have other ideas... its amazing how the ed can try to take away a nice morning and stuff. Anyway, reading your post made ME feel better like its okay to go out and enjoy things and that there are other people out there with eds that still do struggle but who also put friendship above the meal when they can etc etc etc... I don't think I'm explaining myself at all very well but essentially, YOU HELPED ME and THANKYOU.

love telly xo

dietcokefiend2 said...

wow, that is truly inspiring! i could relate so much to the sentence about restricting in order to stop purging. that's where i'm at right now too.

now.is.now said...

Thanks for sharing this Lisa. It is sooooo amazing and inspiring how you were able to remember what you value, realize your priorities, and make a choice about how you were going to behave. This is something to be so proud of.

And, just in case you've now started to regret it or worry or something: I promise you that the one piece of lasagna did not make you fat. AT ALL.

Alexandra Rising said...

Congrats Lisa! I am proud of you.
And look at how many people you have inspired/motivated by writing about this experience.
Also, what a lovely way to luck at it: as honoring your friend's hard work.
Air Five!

ghost girl said...

I am new to your blog, but I find your posts very moving and I relate to them so much.
I may borrow that mantra about valuing friendships more than the ED...i never thought of in just that way before.
Thank you
s

Andi said...

Hi, I saw your blog from now is now's blog... hope you don't mind me reading along.


You have every right to brag about this!!! Combination foods can be SO difficult! It's saying a lot that you're able to kick the ED thoughts to the curb, if only for one meal, in order to enjoy your friendships. :)