Yesterday went a little better. I had therapy and was able to talk out some of my feelings about "the purging incident" and Chris and feeling deppressed and like a failure ect. My T suggested that I have a talk with Chris about what he might be thinking and feeling, especially in regard to the previous night. So last night I asked Chris why he didn't say anything when I told him I had thrown up blood and was in pain. He told me he didn't say anything because he was annoyed.
I can understand being annoyed, but what about overriding that feeling so you can respond to your wife when she could be having a potential medical crisis??? Not to be dramatic, but I was so hurt! Have things really gotten so bad that that he would rather just ignore me, pretend nothing was happening? I guess I should not ask him these questions if I cannot handle the truth.
To be fair, I have talked to my T before about what it must be like to be married to me. I can understand feeling "burned out" from dealing with someone with a chronic illness, mental or otherwise.
Anyway, Chris and I talked more later about things and he told me that he is just really concerned that I am going to be hospitalized and that he can't handle school and the kids by himself (and again, I was a little hurt that his first concern wasn't that i could die). I know is sucks for him when i am in the hospital. Well, I told him that, given my signifigant mental illness, plus the fact that I have been hospitalized 20 times for it, it is likey that at some point in the future I would need inpatient care again. That said, I didn't think i would be in the hospital any time soon. I reminder him that despite what happened the other night, I have been making alot of progress in the area of my eating disorderr. I mean, i went nearly 3 weeks without purging! I am maintaining a healthy weight. i am working on finding a dietitian.
My biggest danger of hospitalization right now is my worsening depression and anxiety. But I am working really hard on staying safe. I am in therapy twice a week. I am trying to get my meds right. I am combating negative thoughts and fighting to see the positives in my life.
So onward, I guess. I am thinking about calling my doctor today because my chest/esophagus still really hurts. I don't know if it is my esophagus, or if I have pulled a muscle in my chest from purging, which I have done before. I just don't want to call him because I feel stupid.
One quick positive thing- you know how yesterday was a national day of service? Emma and i went to a local volunteer center and filled care kits for women and children at the DV center. Emma has such a giving heart, and I am tring to find ways for her to experience the joy of being involved in the community and helping others. unfortunately there atre not alot of volunteer opportunities around here for kids her age. But we had fun together yesterday and it was nice to do something, just Emma and me. I think that helping others who are less fortunate also cultivates an appreciation for what we have. It seems like alot of the focus with the girls is on toys and clothes and things they want, and it is nice to be reminded that we truly are blessed just to have a home and eachother.
Love you all.
I did call Dr. Sean's office and talked to the nurse. The dr is out sick today but I am going in to see him tomorrow morning. i feel like a big dummy but also a little relieved that I am going to be checked out.
Judgement and Regrets
6 days ago