Tuesday, January 19, 2010

a little better

Yesterday went a little better. I had therapy and was able to talk out some of my feelings about "the purging incident" and Chris and feeling deppressed and like a failure ect. My T suggested that I have a talk with Chris about what he might be thinking and feeling, especially in regard to the previous night. So last night I asked Chris why he didn't say anything when I told him I had thrown up blood and was in pain. He told me he didn't say anything because he was annoyed.


I can understand being annoyed, but what about overriding that feeling so you can respond to your wife when she could be having a potential medical crisis??? Not to be dramatic, but I was so hurt! Have things really gotten so bad that that he would rather just ignore me, pretend nothing was happening? I guess I should not ask him these questions if I cannot handle the truth.

To be fair, I have talked to my T before about what it must be like to be married to me. I can understand feeling "burned out" from dealing with someone with a chronic illness, mental or otherwise.

Anyway, Chris and I talked more later about things and he told me that he is just really concerned that I am going to be hospitalized and that he can't handle school and the kids by himself (and again, I was a little hurt that his first concern wasn't that i could die). I know is sucks for him when i am in the hospital. Well, I told him that, given my signifigant mental illness, plus the fact that I have been hospitalized 20 times for it, it is likey that at some point in the future I would need inpatient care again. That said, I didn't think i would be in the hospital any time soon. I reminder him that despite what happened the other night, I have been making alot of progress in the area of my eating disorderr. I mean, i went nearly 3 weeks without purging! I am maintaining a healthy weight. i am working on finding a dietitian.

My biggest danger of hospitalization right now is my worsening depression and anxiety. But I am working really hard on staying safe. I am in therapy twice a week. I am trying to get my meds right. I am combating negative thoughts and fighting to see the positives in my life.

So onward, I guess. I am thinking about calling my doctor today because my chest/esophagus still really hurts. I don't know if it is my esophagus, or if I have pulled a muscle in my chest from purging, which I have done before. I just don't want to call him because I feel stupid.

One quick positive thing- you know how yesterday was a national day of service? Emma and i went to a local volunteer center and filled care kits for women and children at the DV center. Emma has such a giving heart, and I am tring to find ways for her to experience the joy of being involved in the community and helping others. unfortunately there atre not alot of volunteer opportunities around here for kids her age. But we had fun together yesterday and it was nice to do something, just Emma and me. I think that helping others who are less fortunate also cultivates an appreciation for what we have. It seems like alot of the focus with the girls is on toys and clothes and things they want, and it is nice to be reminded that we truly are blessed just to have a home and eachother.

Love you all.

I did call Dr. Sean's office and talked to the nurse. The dr is out sick today but I am going in to see him tomorrow morning. i feel like a big dummy but also a little relieved that I am going to be checked out.


Eating Alone said...

First, yes you are making a lot of progress.
Second, you should not feel bad about going to see the doc. Bleeding=Bad.
Third, your husband is human. Heck I want to walk away from myself sometimes. This doesn't mean that he doesn't love you and the girls. Your tired he's tired. This is the time of year when it's so hard to be "up". Even for normal, healthy, and happy people.

You can make it and you will. It's a lot of work but you can do it.

Lou Lou said...

emma sounds so special!!!!!! you have such a sweet girl, and a sweet husband too! my ex boyfriend told me yesterday he is sick of my illness, someone was right when they commented on my last post, he is sick of the illness not sick of me. i hope you get to the bottom of the bleeding. and your posts always inspire as you are so honest and giving it as much as you can.

bananas said...

I had a boyfriend that eventually quit "caring" about me in the way that he should because I just completely burned him out. :( Oh well, learning experience.

Hope the doctor's appointment went well! I hope you're OK.

Katilexis said...

good, its better to be checked out.
blah. i know where he's coming from though. my boy gets really annoyed. its repetitive for them.
but it doesnt make us feel any better.
hope your chest turns out ok.

lisalisa said...

yikes just re-read this post and noticed all the sppelling errors!

And here I thought I was perfect ;)

Lou Lou said...

haha i got your comment, i think we all call ourselves kiwis haha, flight of the concords is hillarious, at least you know a little bit.. i have met people who actuallt think we are a part of australia! some movies you might have seen filmed here were wolverine, lord of the rings, bridge to terabithia, heaps more.. film indo is big guns here... i think we work like slave labour for the love of film ha, and landscape rara. sending you some of ur summer sun from kiwi land

Keely said...

I am glad you're getting checked out too. I don't think your a dummy. I think Chris might just be angry that he can't help the situation. I know he cares about you. And I do too. (hug)

Keely said...

How did your doctors appt go today?