1:30

2 more hours until Chris gets home......I am counting the minutes......have felt like a crazy person all day.......

I think I may be going through some sort of withdrawal from all the meds they took me off in the hospital. Either that, or this is just what it feels like to not be overmedicated.

Shaking.....nervous.....sweats....cant stop moving.....

On the upside, my apartment hasn't been this clean in a long time.......

Send me some positive mental health vibes please.....I really need them right now

new haircut

This is my new haircut. I guess I kind of like it.
Tell me what you think?

psychobabble

I did not take my lithium last night, and I did not take it this morning. That might sound irresponsible, but i just couldn't stand it anyomore. I know it was the right choice. I woke up this morning feeling a little shaky, but better and more clear than I have in days.

Guys, lithium is bad stuff. maybe it's helpful for people with bipolar disorder, but I'm not bipolar!

For starters, it makes you constantly thirsty. And you have to drink alot of water, so your kidneys can clear the lithium and it doesnt build up to toxic levels in your system. And say goodbye to coffee and diet coke, because caffiene "competes" with the lithium as it passes through your kidneys.
You cant "diet" on lithium because it messes up your levels. In fact, it causes you to gain weight, an average of 20 pounds, because it messes with your thyroid and metabolism. Now you know I'm trying to be in ED recovery, but I still like to feel like i am in control of my body and the thought of ballooning up was freaking me out.
Lithium made my hands shake, my coordination was so off, I could barely shuffle across a room without running into something. I couldn't drive.
The worst part was feeling like a robot. I could not respond to my kids. I had to fake and force everythiing because it was like I had no feelings.

I seriously did not want to live if I had to live like that. It was worse than being depressed. I can't imagine what the psychiatrist in the hospital was thinking. He took me off nearly all my meds and put me on the lithium, without even knowing me.

So I guess I am just on pristiq and trazodone. This is the least amount of meds I have been on in a long time. Feels kind of strange. Naked, somehow. I mean, I did want to get off of some of those meds, but now that they are gone, it is like my security blanket has been taken away.

Sorry for the weird post. I still don't feel quite normal yet.

In other news, i got a haircut yesterday. I cant decide if I like it or not. Maybe I will post some pics later.

Thanks for all your concern and well-wishes. It has really meant alot to me. Being cut off from my blog certainly sucked. i am glad to be back.

yo

I just got out of the hospital. I am on LITHIUM and I HATE IT! I will write more soon, but the lithium makes it hard to type cause my hands are all shaky and twitchy.
I missed you all and will try to get caught up on your blogs as i can.

Fear and Change

A lot has happened the past two days, or it seems like. I am trying to collect my thoughts. I wish my therapist was in on Fridays, but she isn't. I guess this blog will have to sub for therapy, which is ok because it has before.

Yesterday I completely freaked out. I think it was the strain of the past few days just wearing me down. I woke up very anxious and jumpy and had Chris dole me out a Xanax before he left for school. But at about 11:30 the Xanax wore off and I was even more anxious and then I started feeling suicidal. My meds are all locked up, but Chris had recently gotten some Lunesta which was not locked up and I had a strong feeling that if I was in the house any longer I was going to overdose on it. So I got Annie in the car and called Chris and told him that I was on my way to pick him up. His class was out but usually he takes the bus home, but I felt I had to get out of the house and cold not wait.
When we got home I was very upset and could not go back in the house. So I sat out in the car while Chris and Annie went in the house and had lunch. Then they came back and it was time for my appointment with Dr. Sean so we went there.
I was very upset at Dr.Sean's office, shaking, unable to talk or focus. Chris and the doctor talked most of the time. Dr. S decided to take me off Xanax, put me on librium instead, and increase my oral risperidone and also put me on risperidone injections right away. He wanted us to go to Walgreens (the only place that had the risperidal shot in stock) and come right back and have the nurse give me the shot. So we went to Walgreens but found out my insurance hadnt authorized the shot yet and it was like $280. So we called the Dr's office and he said it would be ok to wait until today after I had IOP, it would be authorized by then. He also had me make an appointment for next tues to come back to see him.
Then we went to hy-vee to get my librium but they didn't have any in stock. So I came home and took a Xanax and the rest of the evening was kind of a blur. At one point I asked Chris if it would be easier if I was just in a group home and he didn't have to be my caretaker and could go on with his life, but his answer was an emphatic "no". He got me a very lovely card at the Hy-vee and if made me feel alot better.

Ok, so I woke up this morning with these goals: go to IOP, pick up the risperdal shot and the Librium, take the shot to the Dr's office to have them inject it, stay calm and don't have a crisis.
At IOP, everything got shaken up.

I was supposed to see the psychiatrist at IOP for the first time today, but he was busy so he sent his physician's assistant to see me. The PA took my history, including the new meds from yesterday, and I could tell she was not happy. She had me wait while she consulted the doctor, and then she came back and told me to NOT get the shot, or the librium, and they want to take me off of most of my meds, starting with the methylphenidate right away. I just started to cry, because I was so anxious about this. I mean, i just had this "breakdown" yesterday, and Dr. S had changed some things and that was supposed to help, and here was this PA telling me to do the opposite. And the thing is, i know Dr. Sean and I trust him. These people don't know me at all.
On the way home i called Dr Seans nurse and talked to her and I was very upset and I didn't know what to do. Get the shot, dont get the shot? Go off the methylP? What about the librium? The PA told me to take Xanax in a pinch, but DR S didn't want me to take it anymore. AARRGH!

Dr. Sean called me back and told me that he had talked with the PA and I'm not even going to go into that whole conversation but basically he though I should do what they told me to do. So I was like "ok, see you tues" and he said no, they cancelled that appointment because the psychiatrist was going to do my meds now. So I just said "ok, well, take it easy then."

I feel as though my whole world has been shaken up. On one hand, I was looking forward to having a psychiatrist take a look at my meds. But I didn't know that he would switch everything around (without meeting me)! Who is this guy, anyway? Can I trust him? That might sound like a paranoid question, but I have dealt with psychiatrists who just as soon commit you as look at you. In the condition I was in yesterday, a psychiatrist might have committed me. I have always appreciated Dr. Seans's willingness to trust me and work with me. Now he is gone (or it feels like he is). Have I started down a risky road? Today at IOP I was signing releases and I noticed that one of them was for CPC, with is county case management, and i got really scared and asked them why they needed that release. I was thinking "are they thinking of putting me in a group home?"! But the lady said it was just a funding source, in case my insurance didn't pay for the IOP.

Part of me is thinking "run! run while you still can!". Have I started down a risky road that will lead to having my life controlled by psychiatrists and social workers again? Or am I just worrying too much. Should I quit IOP and just go back to DR Sean? But maybe he wouldn't take me back, after all, he agreed with the PA.

I don't know what to do. i will just try not to "be crazy". I am not going to give them any reason to committ me. I wish my therapist was in today. I would love to hear her take on all this.

I know I am getting paraniod because I was just in the tub and there was a knock on the door and the door bell rang at the same time, you know, like "officaial" people do. I felt cold all over because I knew it was the sherriff, come to take me to the psych ward, and all I could think is "no they cant do this! I'm ok! I'm not doing anything wrong!". But it was just the UPS guy with a book from Barnes and Noble.com. Sigh of relief.

over a fence

I was suprised and happy to learn yesterday that my dad bonded out of jail. I guess the felony escape charge from iowa didnt come up on the computer, so it looked to them that he hadn't been in trouble before, and of course he didn't say anything. So my dad is back home and he told me that they even left him one full pipe so he could smoke when he got there. He has a lawyer and is hopeful to get probation, but I am under no illusions that he could complete probation successfully. I mean, they do drug tests, and he would have to get a job (gasp) and stuff like that. Well i am going to try not to worry and just be glad that for now he is out.

His bust made the evening news and I guess he had like 15 minutes of fame while he was in jail. the other prisoners were whispering about him and asking "is that the guy? Is that him?" and they were giving him high fives and stuff. I guess he got a nickname in jail- "old school"- that's what they were calling him. Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to glorify what my dad did or make light of the situation. It's just that sometimes I think my dad is funny, is all. Do you think I should start calling him "Old School"?

It turns out his neighbor Dave turned him in. My dad built a privacy fence that obstructed Dave's view (they all like to sit on the front porch and watch the goins' on down south) and this pissed Dave off. He started hinting to my dad that if he didn't take down the fence, he was going to narc him off. My Dad was worried about it, but didn't really think Dave would do it, especially since Dave sold pot for my dad sometimes. Well, my Dad is really mad now and he told me last night that now he is going to extend the fence all the way to the street just to show him and mess up his view even more! Seriously, these are grown men.

IOP was ok. Not great, just ok. If nothing else, I will get to see the psychiatrist on friday and hopefully get some input on my meds. There are only 3 of us in IOP. Maybe i will write a little more about it later.

The weather here is so nice. I stopped at the store today and got some more sidewalk chalk and bubbles and some little plastic boats for Annie to play with in her bucket o' water. So we are sitting outside again and enjoying ourselves. I actually feel pretty decent right at this moment.

I know I have been behind and inconsistent on commenting on people's blogs, and I am sorry about that. I have been reading every single blog but sometimes that is all I can do and I cant think of anything to say. But I know alot of people are struggling right now and i am thinking of you all even if I didnt comment. I will try to do better, the last few days have been crazy. Thank you all for the support and love you have shown me, it is the best therapy ever!

I am a good mom

I am a good mom who is having a shitty day and i am getting through this.

I took Annie to the library this morning and stayed there while she played on the computer and looked at books and I breathed in and out and tried not to cry. We came home, and even though I felt numb and sick inside I made Annie lunch and put in a load of laundry. At one point I stepped outside because I was afraid that I might cry, and Annie came out after a few minutes. We played with a bouncy ball and some sidewalk chalk and watched a rabbit. I showed her the string on the fence that still had some dried up cranberries from our Christmas popcorn string and we talked about how fun it was to make that and how the animals must have enjoyed it. It reminded me of happier times.

I went to therapy and cried my eyes out. My therapist, who is WONDERFUL, told me that it is ok to cry and feel sad and emotional because this is a big deal. He might just be another criminal in jail, he might not be the best dad, but he is MY DAD and I love him.

I got home not too long ago and feel totally emotionally drained. But Annie still needs me and wants to have fun and do something besides watch tv. I can't muster much to play with her, but I had the idea to fill a bucket with water and get a paintbrush and a sponge. So we are sitting outside on this warm day, and I am on the computer, and annie is "painting" on the sidewalk with water, and also sticking her foot in the water and making footprints. She is talking to herself the way little kids do and I believe I just heard her say "let's make the magic begin!". So I know she is having a good time.

I feel so weak, yet so strong at the same time. I am hurting, but I am keeping it together.

P.S. thank you all for your loving and non-judgemental words of support:)

no title

I'm not sure how to write about this. I just know that I need to, because I need to deal with it somehow, and I need support.

My dad grows marijuana. He has been doing it for most of my life, although I did not know about it until I was in high school. My parents divorced when I was young and I lived with my mom. Still, I have always loved my dad and felt loved by him. Even when he lived in Hawaii he called us often, and flew us out to see him, and came back every summer to see us. When I was 19 and struggling I went out there to live with him for a little bit.

Even though I have been closer too my mom, I have always felt like I had more in common with my dad. I personally think he has depression and anxiety, and self-medicates with pot and alcohol. Like me, he has trouble "fitting in" and doing the things most people do in society, like hold a job or have a set schedule or be responsible. Maybe that is why he grows pot I guess. So he can be his own boss and not answer to anybody. I'm not saying that it is right. I'm just saying that in some way I feel like I understand him.

Lately i have been getting closer to my dad. Even though he lives in Arkansas, we talk on the phone evry week. I know this is going to sound weird, given what my dad does for a living, but he has a real love for the Lord and sometimes I feel like he is the only person I can talk to about the spiritual journey I have been on. I usually call him on my drive home after church and we talk about the Bible and Jesus life and my girls and stuff. Sometimes it is hard to talk to him because he will go on and on and on about Jesus and religious stuff. He gets really obsessed about it and will talk for like an hour if I dont interrupt him. i don't know how much of this is him, and how much of it is a result of years of substance abuse.. But whenever I talk to him, he always ends by saying how much he loves me, how proud of me he is, and how happy I make him. The truth is, I nobody else ever says that to me.

Yesterday my sister called me and told me that my aunt had called her and told her that my dad's house was raided and he was busted. That's all I know.

I have always known this might happen. but even so, that doesn't make it any easier. I did not sleep all night, maybe just an hour or so. I can't stop thinking about it. I cant stop wondering what exactly happened. Was there a struggle, or was it peaceful? Was he scared? Has he slept? Has he eaten? Is he in a cell by himself? Is he thinking about us?

I know my dad wont get bail, because he absconded from a work release facility in 99. I am pretty sure he is going to prison.

I know some people might be reading this and thinking "well he did the crime, now he has to do the time". i don't deny this. But he is my dad and i love him. I'm worried about him going to prison. my dad is not a "tough guy". I don't know what will happen to him. I don't know when I will be able to see him again. It will not be easy to visit him if he is in prison in arkansas. When will my children see their grandpa again? Of course I will not take them to a prison to visit him.

Today is just the first day. Hopefully it will get easier. I guess today I will try to contact my aunt and find out more details. I will somehow try to take care of myself and my girls and do the normal things we do. I have stuff due at the library so maybe I will take Annie there for a bit. I have therapy today so that will help. Amazingly, I am getting through this with almost no Xanax. I did finally take half of one last night to help me sleep (it didn't work).

I have and intake appointment for the IOP program tomorrow morning. The program will be mon, wed, and friday mornings. i will have my regular therapy appointments on tues and thurs. So I have lots of support. i guess it is a good thing I was looking into IOP before all of this happened with my dad.

Thats about it for now.

Xanax fail

Well, today is the first day of my Xanax being totally locked up because I was not using it responsibly. Like we couldn't all see that coming. All of my meds are locked up, but I get my meds for the day in a little pill case before Chris leaves in the morning. That used to include Xanax. Now it does not. If I want a Xanax, I have to wait until Chris is home, and I have to ask him for it, and I have to be ready to explain why I need it and which skills i have tried to use already.

Let me just state, though, that this was my idea and my decision. It came after 3 days in a row of me saying to Chris "I know I'm not using Xanax appropriately. i'm going to try to not take any today" and then taking it anyway. Last night I fell asleep on the couch watching COPS (it was 6:30!). Embarassing.

It's not that I have been taking too much Xanax. It's kind of subtle, just a bad feeling I had that I wasn't doing it right and I had better nip this in the bud before it became a problem. I am only supposed to take the Xanax when I am panicking freaking out might hurt myself, that sort of thing. But i have been taking it to relax. To unwind. Taking it if I felt like i had a hard day and "deserved" some. Taking it to loosen up for social situations. Taking it when I have been angry. Basically anytime I have felt a negative emotion in the last 10 days I have taken Xanax. Not that it hasn't been nice. But with my history, I KNOW better.

Le sigh. I am left with all these mesy, yucky emotions today, and I don't know what to do with them. Blogging is good. But I cant stay on the computer 24/7.

I guess I should congratulate myself that I have headed off catastrophe. But instead I feel ashamed. Why can't I control myself with the Xanax? Why am I so weak? I feel like I weak, stupid child, and a failure. I wanted this time to be different. I wanted to prove to everyone that I could "handle it".

Sorry to be so negative. Just not feeling that great today. Maybe a cup of coffee will help.

A few things to be happy about

Here is Emma swinging at my in-laws place where we spent the night Friday. I loved the simple joy of watching the girls swing, the sun shining in their hair. They looked so carefree! And their swings kept almost colliding, which made them giggle and laugh like crazy. You would have thought they were at an amusement park ride!
Here is Annie riding her trike today. She just learned to ride it and she is SO PROUD! We rode around our apartment complex, then packed up all the bikes and went to this park with a trail by the lake. The sun was out and there was a nice breeze. Chris went on ahead with Emma and I walked beside annie. She was so cute, we kept getting really nice smiles from the peole we passed.

My friend Thomas just got back from France and he brought me these absolutely luscious chocolates! Certainly the best I have ever had. I am trying to ration them, but it is hard.

The point of this post is that yes, I am having a really hard time right now. But even so, there are rays of light that ocassionaly come shining through the darkness and i try to bask in them whenever i can. I wanted to take a break from posting about all the drama, and to let you know that there is a part of me that is still fighting to believe that life is good, and that joy can be found every day if you stop to notice it.

Love and peace to you all.

still functioning....!

I am here and still hanging in there. I even made it through the day yesterday with no Xanax. I did have 1.5 mg of ativan, but it was still better than wed, when I had both the Ativan and the Xanax.

Emma is home "sick" today. She had a temp but is acting just fine and goofy. I had a rough start this morning, not wanting to get up. I guess I was just feeling overwhelmed because I had to go to Victoria's Secret to pay my bill, to Walgreens, and also the grocery store, and I have to make coleslaw and a fruit salad to take to the BBQ in Waterloo this evening. Plus I have my doctors appt this afternoon. Well, I didn't want to do any of these things. I just wanted to sit on the couch in my pajamas and play on the computer and drink diet cokes all day long. But I pu one foot in front of the other, showered and dressed (no makeup today), gave the girls their baths, and ran the errands. The girls were so well-behaved. Well, I bribed them with Happy Meals. But they earned it. Now they are playing WII boxing. SO Cute! I still have to make the coleslaw and fruit salad, but I have time.

I guess the point of this post is to give myself some validation. I am doing it. I might feel like I am on the edge (I might be on the edge), but I am keeping it together.

We'll see how the doctor's appointment goes. The desired outcome will be that Dr.S gives me some more Xanax, preferably Xanax XR, and that he supports my wish to do the IOP, and says he'll fax them my info. That would all be great. I'll update if I have time before we go to Waterloo.

Thanks everyone for sticking with me. I still cant believe I wrote about what I wrote about the other day. i am still kind of in shock about it. So, thanks.

not going to put a title on this one....

....beacause I cant think of anything positive to say. No way to put a happy, peppy spin on the huge pile of crap this day has been. Well, here it is.

Was paralyzed by anxiety almost from the moment I got up, yet determined not to start the day out with a Xanax. Puttered around the house a bit, tried to clean things up and get ready for my day. I had an appointment with Dr Sean this afternoon, and my husband was going to come, and I was looking forward to all of the input. I was thinking it was going to be sort of a "where do we go from here" type of meeting. Oh, btw, my skype with the psychiatrist that was supposed to happen yesterday was cancelled because my insurance wouldnt cover it. SO Sean's still my main man.

One idea I had that I wanted to propose is doing iop at the local hospital. I called and got information about it and it seems pretty doable. Plus I think I have care for annie all arranged, and I would be home by the time Emma got home from school. Its actually only 3 hours 3 days a week, so I wouldnt even be away from annie too long. And if i had therapy on tues and thurs, that would be some form of treatment every day.

SO anyways, I was going to propose all this to the doctor, but his nurse called and told me he had a family emergency and had to leave for the day. UGH. I got rescheduled for tomorrow, but chris cant come too because he has class. And I really wanted chris to be there. Bolth to witness that I am being good with the xanax, and also to be a part of my treatment planning. Damnit.

Well, it is what it is. I did get an appointment with Kim tonight because I feel I am losing it. To get from here to there, I am just going to try to do one thing at a time. Finish this blog.make an early dinner. Do a little housekeeping. Like in the group home, when they told you it was therapy, but it was actually chores. Sweeping the floor, cleaning the toilet. You had to mark it off on a chart that said LBD (learning by doing). Can you believe that crap!? Never again will i be in a place like that. Thats why I am working so hard to keep it together, and reaching out for the help I know I need.

humiliation

Note to self: no more blogging under the influence of Xanax!

I woke up this morning, packed Emma's lunch, unloaded the dishwasher, basically did all my normal morning stuff. I started thinking about blogging and facebook, looking forward to going online like i do every morning after Chris and Emma leave for school. Then, it all came back to me. The hazy memory of last night's blogging, typing out my most shameful secret for everyone to read.

I felt like a rock had landed in my stomach! Was it too late to delete it? What would people think of me now? I know I have never met most of you, but I feel like you are my best friends. There are few people in my "real life" who understand me the way you do. When I am struggling, this blog is the first place I turn to. When I have success, I cant wait to share it with you all. And I love reading about your lives, sharing your ups and downs, hoping in some small way I can support you, the way you support me.

Please, please, I thought to myself as I logged on, dont let them hate me!

but the support and understanding you have all shown me has brought tears to my eyes. I have never felt so accepted. Even a few bloggers i don't know had nice things to say.

It's hard for me to even express in words how awful the whole DHS ordeal was. Every minute of every day I was burdened with feelings of shame and failure. My worker did her best to drill it into my head that I was not a capable parent. Even when things were going well and I reported progress to her, she accused me of "painting a rosy picture". I couldn't win for losing. And the worst part is, before that all happened, i thought I was a really good mom. I mean, there is not alot in my life that I am proud of. I have never completed college. I don't have a career, ect. But I was a good mom, and I knew it. From the beginning. I breastfed both my girls. I read to them before they were old enough to sit up, and were more interested in eating the book than listening to the story. I took them on stroller walks, playdates, the library, the park. I handmade haloween costumes and baked fabulous birthday cakes. Sure, once in awhile I had a bad day, and they spent a few hours in front of the tv while I read or just napped on the couch. Nobody is perfect. But I did feel that being a mom was the one thing I was good at, and it was the most important thing in my life.

Then I hit a rough patch, and all that changed.

Maybe some day I will write about everything that happened. All I want to say right now is this: I have never hurt my children, and never put them in danger. And I stand by that. My DHS case never should have happened, as was confirmed by the success of my appeal. But due to the court backlog, my appeal did not go to hearing until after my case was closed, so even though i won I had to endure a year and a half of hell.

Ok ok I am done blogging about this. I consider it officially closed. I just felt the need to further explain. And to thank you all for your wonderful support.

lets see how many of you still like me after you read this

I don't believe i've ever felt this desperate. Well, i'm sure that i have before, but right now it doesn't feel that way. I have just spent the last hour ransacking my bedroom looking for where Chris hides my meds. Oh, and i tried my hand at picking the lock on my med-dose box (which chris has the key to). Unfortunately my lock-picking skills suck because I was unsuccessful.

The problem is...the problem is...

I took my daily dose of Xanax waaay too early today, and for some reason it wore off after about an hour, leaving me with near paralyzing anxiety that i would do just about anything to get rid of again. I feel like a crazy person, like I would do just about anything to relax and "numb out". it is for this reason that we have no hand sanitizer in the house, all of out mouthwash is alcohol-free, and a few weeks ago Chris supervised as I threw out all of my baking exctracts.

What the heck is going on with me? Is the Xanax making everything worse? It seems like as soon as it wears off, I am gripped with an anxiety that is worse than before. I don't want to turn into the crazy person I was 3 years ago, when I was hospitalized 5 times in a matter of months. And we had to move back to iowa to have more family support. And DHS stepped in and made me put Annie in daycare, because they didn't think i was well enough to take care of her. There. I said it. My biggest secret and the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. The reason I am always questioning whether I am a good mom, and feeling so guilty for all the ways I fall short. The DHS case nearly destroyed me. It took the one thing about myself that made me feel worthwhile, the one thing that I thought I was good at, my source of pride (being a mom), and ripped it away. That is all over now, the case was closed a year and a half ago. but it still haunts me. I deal with the guilt, the shame, the anger, every week in therapy (my therapist, btw, doesn't think I should have ever had a case in the first place. Plus, i did appeal my case and won and had it dropped, but it took so long to go to an appeal hearing that my case was closed out before the hearing even took place. But I still went thoruogh the appeal hearing because I wanted my name off the child abuse registry because I am NOT A DAMN CHILD ABUSER I WOULD NEVER HURT ANY CHILD AND I NEVER HAD!!). Just because I am mentally ill does not make me a bad mom!!!!!

Wow, where did all that verbal diahrrea come from. I guess my point is, that the downfall a few years ago all started with abusing the Xanax and losing touch with reality, abusing the Xanax, overdosing on it several times, being taken off it abruptly and drinking hand sanitizer and perfume to cope, the hospitalizations, being moved to Iowa, and totally losing it, the DHS case, and the nightmare year and a half that followed, which I am still trying to get over.

Oh my gosh I cant believe I just wrote all that. The DHS case is pretty much my deepest darkest secret, something I am so ashamed of. I am really tempted to delete all of this. But on one hand, maybe getting it out there will help ease some of the shame. I figure i trust most people who read this blog, but still, I am worried about what you will all think of me. For over a year I did not make any friends. I quit the PTA, which was something I had dearly wanted to be a part of. I just felt so ashamed about my case, and I feared that if people really got to know me, they would think I was a bad mom and a terrible person. Finally i am starting to regain my confidence, to put myself out there again. Of course, the moms that I meet, I do not tell them all of this. I am trying to keep it in the past. It does not define me, it is not who I am. But for some reason, I feel I can share this all with you. Please do not judge me too harshly. i am a good person. I am a good mom (ok, still working on believing this one. It is like trying to retrain my thoughts after one and a half years of being told otherwise). I deserve to love myself, to forgive myself, and to put this behind me.

I guess the point of all this is, I worry about the Xanax. I worry that it will be the start of me losing my mind again. But I feel like I need it. I feel ruled by my emotions and anxiety. But this time around, I am being honest. My meds are locked up. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow and telling him all of this. I dont know what the next step is for me. I dont knoe how to feel better, sane, and safe. But I am working on it.

For Kendall and Baby Jolley

I sent two white balloons up today, one for Brie's little girl, and one for my baby that I lost at 11 weeks.
It's strange, or maybe not so strange, but I did not feel sad. I felt a sense of joy as I let those balloons fly. I felt free and light. I know those little souls are in a place of joy and love, looking down on us and waiting for the day we will all be together.

Easter pics, of course

I had a good Easter and am doing ok. Church was really great; I wish I could bottle that feeling and make it last all week! Not much else is new, still getting daily shots of B12. Not sure it is helping but at least I don't feel any worse so that is good. I will write a longer post later.

well, here's a bit of good news

So I am feeling a little better today. This morning I was counting my Ativan and i realized that I didn't take a third one on thursday. I just counted wrong or something. So that was a huge relief, and I feel like I am taking the meds responsibly.
I saw Dr. S at the saturday clinic for my vitamin b shot and mentioned to him that the Ativan wasn't working that well so he gave me a weeks worth of Xanax and he wants my husband to come in with me to my appointment next week, just to get his view of how I am handling the benzos. I feel good about this and I am glad I have my husband and my doctor's support. My meds are all still locked up, and I am totally ok with that, especially with having benzo's in the house and all.

I feel so fragile right now but will do just about anything not to have to go to the psych ward. I am just trying to take things one day at a time. Thanks so much for all your support!

losing it

I'm totally freaking out. Spent 30 minutes crying to a nice guy on the phone crisis line. Chris has locked up my meds for safekeeping.
Please think of me and send me nice, non-psych ward vibes.

The Curious Case of the Missing Ativan

so yeasterday, Doc Sean gave me a presctiption for 7 ativan, or one per day for the week. Not 7 in one day, or 3 one day and 4 the next. One per day.

I tried so hard to be good.

But, 45 minutes after taking the first one, I was still anxious and basically felt no different. I told him I needed a stronger dose. So I decided to take another half of a pill. about 20 minutes after that, I was feeling a little better, so I decided that taking the other half wouldn't hurt. Two pills for the day, that's just one more than one. Not so bad, right? Ahh, sweet relief! I was golden for the rest of the night.

But today I am wondering, why is my memory last night so spotty. Like, full of holes. I just kind of remember bits and pieces of our evening, Chris and i (mostly Chris) babysitting our friends baby. Having dinner. I remember putting annie to bed and watching "fringe" with Chris. I don't know, I just feel so confused and hazy about the whole thing, which is not a feeling I like to have.

So just now I went to take an ativan and I noticed that there were only 4 left in the bottle. Which means that at some point last night I took a third ativan. Which I totally dont remember. I called Chris immediately and asked him if I was acting weird last night. Like, stumbling around and slurring my speech like I used to do when I was on Xanax. He said no, and if anything I just seemed happier and more relaxed than he had seen me for awhile. I told him about the phantom dosing and we talked about it and agreed that he should be the keeper of the benzos for now.

I admit, I feel just a little ashamed and embarassed that after only one day on ativan I was able to eff things up. So I am a little down on myself today. I don't know, maybe some of you reading this would say "hey, this is just a daily occurence for me". Or maybe you are horrified at my irresponsible drug taking and are ready to mount a cyber-intervention. Well, don't worry. i'm the first to admit that taking meds that you dont even know you are taking is a bad deal, and I am going to be totally honest with my doctor, also mentioning, of course, that this might not have happened if he had given me the higher dose that I wanted.

I just feel like a huge dumbass.

April Fool's day part II, and Le Whiff

Ok, I have to confess that I didn't think up the idea for the fake eggs on my own. I found it online. But I still count myself creative, in the sense that i am willing to try out new ideas and add new ways to have fun with my kids.

I saw Dr. Sean today and nearly had a panic attack in his office. I have been so depressed, and something that happens with me is that once I am in a prolonged state of depression I get this secondary anxiety. Sort of a fight or flight response to the constant emotional pain. Except I can fight it and I cant flee, so my anxiety just keeps rising and I start doing things like crying suddenly, jumping at noises, swearing, ect. Basically I am a beast to live with right now. My poor husband. I went to bed last night at 8 just to put him out of his misery.
So anyways, I saw the doctor and he wants me to get DAILY shots of B12 for a week, than weekly for a month. He also really wanted me to consider adding ANOTHER antipsychotic, since he is wondering if this might be fallout to me going off the seroquel in january. And, the good doctor doled out *7* doses of ativan to get me through this week! And you know I ripped open the pharmacy bag with my teeth as soon as I got in the car. Yes, I am currently feeling much better than I have in weeks. I am determined not to abuse them. But how can you abuse 7 pills, anyways? I guess that was the point of the abbreviated dose.

SO, I go in for a shot tomorrow, one sat, then again mon and all week. I am going to have B12 coming out my ears (or my kidneys).

I am struggling with restricting, but I don't really feel like getting into that right now. Maybe if I start to feel better, that will take care of itself.

Oh I almost forgot-Le Whiff! It's this new product that comes in an inhaler and apparently with the coffee flavor you get about as much caffiene as a shot of espresso. You just inhale it. I'm torn. Part of me thinks this could be bad for me. But the caffiene junkie in me is REALLY REALLY excited and wants to click on over to the website and order some! Hmm, what to do, what to do.

April Fool's Day

These are the "eggs and toast" I fooled the girls with this morning. The "eggs" are yogurt with apricot halves, and the "toast" is angel food cake. The girls really got a kick out of it. Chris was not fooled for a minute, though, and I think he was disappointed that I did not really make him eggs. Oh well.

Don't have much else to say. I have been very depressed and anxious these last few days. At first I thought the Vitamin B helped but now I am not sure. I see Dr Sean again today. Maybe I will write a real post after that.