visit to grandma (and the psychiatrist)

Well I am feeling a little better about things today. I called Servicemaster and scheduled a complete duct and furnace cleaning for the new place to get rid of cat dander. It's going to be $300! Now i wish I hadn't done that trip last weekend but it can't be helped now.
I talked to the new landlords for awhile and they really are nice people. I guess they have to have strict rules or people would be saying all kinds of things to get out of a lease. They ARE going to put in new drapes and of course have the carpets cleaned. So well just see how it goes.

I took the girls to my mom's today. Incidently my mom has a cat, and Annie was playing with it and only got one hive and no itching or runny nose. And we were there for several hours. So I am feeling a little more hopeful that once our new place is sufficiently cleaned and de-catified she will be ok. Anyway, we had a really nice visit with my mom. She is starting radiation for her cancer on friday and is otherwise doing ok.

I saw my psychiatrist tonight and he raised my risperidone and Pristiq. He was also talking about adding Depakote but I nixed that one cause it can cause MAJOR weight gain! Plus I am already on seroquel, which causes weight gain. So, given that my risperidone was raised twice in the last 2 months, and i take it at night along with trazodone and seroquel, I think the fact that I get up in the morning is a major accomplishment. I think we are trying to kill my anxiety by brute force or something.

Things with Chris are a little strained right now. I pretty much feel like I have been dealing with the "Annie allergy crisis" on my own. He gave me the usual "it'll be ok. We'll figure it out" followed by lack of action. There are some other things going on but I don't really want to talk about it on this blog. All I can say is, stress! Please pass the atypical antipsychotics!

Overall I am feeling a little better. Oh, is it just me or is TV getting stupider? ABC's new reality show is called "dating in the dark" and that's all it is! They throw 2 people in a dark room and let them get to know eachother. Riiiggghhht. Oh, and don't get me started on "More to Love".

Oh my I am so stressed out right now! Just got back from Annie's "poke test" at the allergists' and she IS allergic to cats. Like, severely allergic! And this is not good because the apartment we are moving into, that we gave a non-refundable deposit for, has *2* cats living in it right now. The allergist said that even once the cats were out and the carpet is cleaned it will be 4-6 months before the apartment is clear of allergens and dander. What are we going to do? We don't have money for a deposit on a new place, IF we had time to find a new place, which we dont. Ames is nearly 2 hours away, so it's not like we can just go apartment hunting after chris gets of work. And like I said, we don't really haave the money to just lose on that deposit. I called the new landlords and asked if they hadd any units open that didn't have cats in them and they don't. And no, he nicely told me that we couldn't have the deposit back which I kind of expected.
AAAARRRRGGGHHH! Moving is stressful enough! What the crap are we supposed to do?

I was not having a good day already. The stress and anxiety and deppression was there with me when I woke up this morning. It's like being under a black cloud that WON'T GO AWAY! I did make a real effort again and got us out of the house earlier but right now the girls are just plugged into the tv and I am waiting for the seroquel that i chipped off to start working so I can just stop freaking and that is about all I can manage for the moment. Good thing i got the enchilladas we are having for dinner made up earlier so all I have to do now is pop them in the oven.

I feel sososososo fat and uncomfortable in my skin! I haven't purged at all today but was planning to restrict , but then i told myself that no, an apple does not equal lunch and i added a protein bar to it. But that was before Annie's doctor appointment and now i don't want to eat dinner. I don't even want to sit down to the dinner table! I just want to take some more medicine and go to bed and wake up thin!

I was supposed to see my psychiatrist tonight and really needed to talk to him about how my meds don't seem to be working but um he called in sick. Well I did get the appointment rescheduled for tommorrow so I guess it's not a big deal, more of an annoyance really.

I wish I could have a xanax or two. I know I would use them correctly! Actually thats probably not true.

sigh

doing better

Well after a morning of listening to my kids (and ED) whine at me I was about ready to shoot myself in the head but of course I did not. Instead I called around until I found someone with kids who would want to meet me and my girls at a park. So I met up with my friend K at this one school's playground. It was an awesome playground; one of those big wooden ones with turrets and tire swings and secret passages. And K clued me in to the fact that the school system is serving free lunches there for the summer (for kids only) so we stayed and had lunch. Then K was taking her kids swimming, and Emma begged and begged, so even though I hate to swim I caved and we went to the pool. But to my suprise it turned out to be a lot of fun! It wasn't too crowded and the water was nice and warm (one of my big complaints about swimming is that I'm always cold). I took Annie down the water slide over and over and she giggled and laughed the whole time. And Emma found some friends from school so she had plenty of playmates.

Several times i just sat at the edge of the pool and this feeling of well-being and happiness come over me and I was so greatful that the day had turned around. It just goes to show me that if I put myself out there I have the ability to improve my situation for myself and the girls. I just have to make it happen

I was tempted to restrict because the lunches were just for the girls and I told myself it would be a good time to skip lunch. But I ended up grabbing a boost when we stopped home for our swimsuits. So that was ok.
Being in a swimsuit is reallly triggering for me right now. I bought the suit before I gained this weight, and it fits me differently now. I'm paranoid that it doesn't cover my massive booty and my cheeks are hanging out! And I'm constantly comparing myself to other women at the pool. It's hard. i keep telling myself that I will be happier and things will be better if I lose the weight that I gained, but I know that isn't true. Sigh. Sometimes I feel like I'm a 30-year old who is just now learning how to live.

ugh

I am Fat. I am deppressed. I stayed in the shower for an obscenely long time this morning because I didn't want this day to start. I am filled with anxiety. I binged and purged this morning. I really hate myself right now. I want to lose weight. I want to feel better.

Help.

weekend trip pictures

I just wanted to share some pics of out weekend getaway. Above, Annie is kissing Emma in a booth at MaidRite, where we ate dinner friday night. It was really cute, although Emma did not seem to enjoy it!

There was a really cool wooden playground at the hotel, you know, one of those ones that looks like a castle. Here's me and Emma (and my huge gut) taking a swing!

Here's Emma in front of the store at Little Amana. The Amana Colonies are these historic villiages that used to be communes. They were founded by some settlers from Germany and are very quaint. Today they are mostly antiques and specialty stores and german restraunts. Oh, guess what? I finally found a donut cutter, it was in this cute store called the Painted Cupboard.

Here is part of the indoor water park that was at the hotel we stayed at in Little Amana. I got whiplash on one of the waterslides-it was so fast! Well, I haven't been to the doctor so I don't KNOW it is whiplash, but the slide jerked my neck back really hard and now it is really sore and hurts to move it. Maybe I should sue. I'll OWN that hotel!!!

Here's us playing in the pool. La-de-da. I decided not to torture you with any full body shots of me in my tankini. Of course if you are my friend on FB you will probably see them there. If you are not my friend on FB you should be :)

Oh, this was really fun! In Main Amana there is this chocolate shop where, for a couple of bucks, they will give your kid a mini-lesson on dipping chocolate and then let them dip some of their own!

Here's annie and Chris watching Emma dip her chocolate.

Here's Emma dipping...

...and putting on the finishing touches!

This is Annie enjoying her chocolate. I think this was my favorite part of the trip, watching my girls do something fun and hands-on!

Well, that was my trip. I'm thinking it's a good thing slide projectors are out of date. I have a feeling I would be one of those people who would bore people to death showing them slide after slide of my kids and our vacations and stuff. Hope this wasn't too painful for anyone. I had a pretty good time and even though we spent kind of alot of money (eek) this weekend I have to say it was worth it!

Maisey's toilet

k, so I am just waiting for Chris to get home so we can hit the road and i thought I would post something really quick.

The other day when we were at the library i got Annie a Maisey Mouse CD ROM game. So last night we put it in and played it. In the game, you can go to each room in Maisey's house and click on things and they do stuff when you click on them. So we went into Maisey's bathroom and Chris clicked on the toilet and it flushed and Annie started laughing histariclly! She just went nuts! So chris flushed the toilet again and Annie burst out laughing again. So he just kept flushing it over and over and bolth the girls were laughing and even chris and i were smiling cause the girls were so funny. Seriously, Annie was laughing so hard she was crying; tears and all! Over a toilet! I think we flushed that toilet for like 10 minutes straight!

We are a very sophisticated family.

Thanks so much to everyone for all the support on my last post! It really helped me feel better and less like a crappy mom! Even my friend Sylvia who reads this blog but can't comment (i think because she doesn't have a blog of her own but she should get one hint hint) sent me a lovely message on FB that made me feel tons better. I love all of you and am so greatful for your friendship!
As planned, Emma and I went to Backbone today. But instead of the 90 degree day we were promised, it was freezing! I dont even think it made it up to 70! So much for global warming. Emma was brave and got in the creek, and i waded. The water is spring-fed and cooooold! We picnicked on our favorite sandbar (I posted pics of me and chris and me and annie on it awhile back). We explored up and down the creek, and found dozens of these little toads that were no bigger than flies. They were seriously the cutest things I have ever seen!

I really wish I had brought the camera cause we rented a paddle boat which was a blast and wish I had pictures to put up of it. Emma was so excited, it was her first time on a boat. And I think my legs got quite a workout paddling that thing around the lake.

It was nice to have some one on one time with Emma. She wasn't nearly as hyper today, and even when she was it didn't get on my nerves as bad, because we were outside and there was lots of room. Even this evening when we were at home she seemed to do better I think it must be hard for her, to go back and forth all the time and have two homes and parents with two different sets of rules. I need to remember that and cut her some slack.

Tomorrow I am taking the girls to my mom-in-laws so I can do the grocery shopping and cleaning ALONE (and lets be honest-spend some uninterrupted time on the internet). Then I will pick them up and when chris gets off at 1:30 we will be off to the Wasserbahn! I haven't told the girls yet so it will be a suprise. I will take lots of pictures so I will be able to share some when I get back. For some reason my blog only lets me post 5 pictures at a time. Is that normmal?

Have a great weekend everybody!