update

sorry its been awhile since ive posted. I have been in this really bad deppression and havent felt like doing much. I got some lorazepam and am feeling a little more relaxed and functionable today. i saw my psychDoc last night and he made me really nervous cause he kept talking about wanting to hospitalise me. I definately do not want to be in the hospital, im a big advocate for being treated in the least restrictive setting possible. plus, last time i was hospitalised for deppression, the hospital doc had me committed and i almost ended up in a crappy group home! I have a husband and 2 kids! I dont need that! Then, my last hospital based ED treatment program that i was in last spring sucked royally- it was a really bad experience. So lets just say that when my doc started talking about hospitalizing me, i started mentally plotting my escape from the room ( bolt for the door suddenly, keeping the coffee table between me and the doc). Fortunately it didnt come to that. Hes putting me on Pristiq, this brand new anti deppressent, and also gave me some lorazepam. we talked about shock treatments again, but hhe is hesitant to do them if i am purging everyday. The ect's themselves are not that dangerous, but you have to go under anesthesia wich carries some risks of its own which can be compoounded by the physical complications of an eating disorder. I talked to my therapist today and while i am not willing to gain (restore) any weight at this point we came up with some strategies that would help me maintain my weight and eat small amounts throughout the day without purging. I really need to quit purging cause it is effecting how my meds get absorbed(if they even do). So i will be working on it and hopefully the next post will include some good news. Take care!

cold snowy day

well, this is not good. It is freezing cold and snowing outside and i am warm and cozy inside with everything i need, except the one thing i need the most...Diet soda! AAARGH! How will i make it through the day. Maybe chris will be a saint and go out there later and get me some. Cause i sure as hell am not going out in that frigid iowa winter! Not even for a diet dew. Well, on the positive side, my christmas shopping is almost done and wrapped so im not feeling the desperation that some people are feeling right now to go dashing through the snow, freezing their buns off in search of last minute gift cards. Wow. it is starting ti snow even more. I wonder if emmas school will get out early. I think i will go check the weather. so long for now. Stay warm! Escpecially those of yoou in minnesota! I am thinking of you!

made it through another week

like the title says, im still here. I saw the doc on thursdat and he increaced my lexapro, and put me back on the risperidol and topamax. plus the traxodone. oh, and i managed to squeeze some klonipin out of him. 20 .5 mg tablets that are supposed to last the entire month. so far i have 7 left. go figure. T he problem is that the .5's do nothing for my anxiety. i have to take at least two. so now my husband is mad at me because he thinks i am "abusing my medications". I think he is having flashbacks from last year. He really hurt my feelings today by telling me that by me abusing my meds and doing my eating disorder he thinks im trying to push him to see how much he will take and he really didnt appreciate it what whith finals going o and every thing. Well, i was just florred! It hurt so bad to hear him sat that! I mean, this is not about him! Mostly, i try to hide it from him! And i alraedy feel sad and guilty and ashamed all the time and now, to know that this is how he sees me, just destroyed me!. Well, hewe were on our way to church and when we got ther i just dropped him and anne off cause i was too upset to go so i drove home, but all the way home i was having crazy thoughts like driving off the road or killing myself or something. When i went home i went downstairs and talked to my friend jude and that helped a little. Then when i left judes apt chris was standing in the hallway. He was worried about me. we talked a little bit and that helped but i am still feeling pretty low. well they are home now so i have to go.

sad

OK, SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS POST IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED BY SOMEONES EATING DISORDER/ MENTAL ILLNESS SYMPTOMS. SKIP THIS ONE! I DONT WANT TO HURT ANYONE! I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OUT! I feel absolutely awful right now. I know, that doesnt really describe it well. I just feel scared and hopeless and deppressed and, yes, suicidal. I think the thing that has really kept me from making an attempt is that i realize that i would most likely either chicken out or fail, thus ending up in the er and being hospitalized on a psych ward, and that is definately not what i want. i just dont think i really have it in me to end my life, and the hospital has absolutely nothing to offer me. So here i am . Im sure at some point i will be glad i am not killing myself. Jusst not right now.
I was doing ok until last week, when some stuff came up in therapy that was really hard, like i mentioned in my last post. I got waaay stressed out over it, but had recovered enough to function in time for our ward christmas party on saturday. This day was kind of a positive anniversary for me, since it was a yaer since my last "drunk". One year ago, on the day of our ward christmas party, i got lit on all the hand sanitizer in our 72 hour kits. While taking anabuse. Yep, i'm a classy lady. Anyway, i haven't drank since. i'm really proud of that.
So anyway, we went to the party on saturday and there was this big dinner and i binged and purged. Something just snapped in me and i did it. Afterward i felt horrible. I was so proud of myself that i hadnt purged since my treatment last yaer. This was a huge accomplishment for me. And now i blew it. I let myself down and everyone else, too. Well, i swore id pick myself back up and that it wouldnt happen again but i have thrown up every day since then. I did it 4 times yesterday! Yesterday was just the worst, i felt very out of control and suicidal and scared and alone. I am terrified that i am going to end up back in the HELL that is bulimia! I WOULD RATHER DIE! Oh, and i am taking laxatives too :( . i am so tired of this. Im tired of letting people down and being a failure. Im tired of spending each day just trying to get through the moment, scared and sad and in survival mode. I wast to wake up and be HAPPY that im alive and LOOK FORWARD to the day! I feel like i am in a nightmare!
One ray of hope- i havent thrown up yet today. But i havent eaten much either, which i know sets me up for failure. And we have a BIG FAMILY DINNER tonight, Im still trying to work out a strategy for that one. Im going to see my psychiatrist in thurs and ask him if i can go on pristiq. Its a new snri antidepressant. Lexapro has worked the best for me in the past, but now i dont think its quite doing the job. Wish me luck! And to anyone who rreads this, thanks for being there.

hmm, havent posted for awhile cause i have been really stressed out. Things with Zlatko have quieted down and for now i am just keeping an eye on the situation. I had considered taking him to court to change the visitation schedule, but just the thought of it stressed me out so bad that i abandoned the idea. For now.
I have been thinking about taking a break from therapy but have decided to keep going for now. Mostly this is because my husband was somewhat alarmed at tthe thought of me not being in therapy cause i am not doing so hot right now. but the thing is, i think therapy is making things worse. let me explain. Cory is an AMAZING therapist, the best i ever had. We are getting deeper into things that i have never explored before, and i am being more honest and open about my thought proccesses theen i have ever been. While this is ultimately a good thing, It causes me TONS of anxiety. For example, in our last session, i told Cory one of my secrets; a belief that i hold that is one of the things that keeps me sick. It felt right at the time, to reveal it, but later i began to be filled with anxiety and guilt and fear. i felt like i had exposed part of myself and i felt so vulnerable and unprotected. It terrified me. That night i severely restricted my food and spent the rest of the evening curled up in bed experiencing extreme anxiety. I woke up feeling bacically the same way. then i began to have thhoughts of cutting, something that i have not done on years. I felt panicked, i didnt know what to do. I had to find some way to express my emotions, to get them under control. Fortunately, i made a good choice. I decided to make a collage about how i was feeling. it sound childish, but it was actually very theraputic and helped me to focus on something. So anyway, im getting braver and taking risks in therapy, wich is good, but it seems to be making my anxiety and ed symptoms worse. On a more positive note, this was the first puke-free thanksgiving for me in about 12 years. Yay! Sorry if my posts are getting negative and whiny; im just having a bit of a struggle right now. Despite all this, though, i AM getting into the christmas spirit. I wish i knew how to post pictures. our apartment is all christmas-y and our tree is beautiful. I love this time of year!

stress!

I AM SO STRESSED OUT! It's my evil ex. Zlatko the terrible strikes again. Well, heres the deal: he gets Emma every weekend, which is ok with me because she loves her dad and wants to see him. But when she comes home and i ask her how her weekend was, she only talks about things she did with her aunt and cousins, which makes me suspicious. Also, she usually comes home on sunday night at 8pm she is usually hungry and tells me she didnt have dinner! This happened last week. Well, up until now i have said nothing to him because i am kind of afraid of making him mad, but i haave had it. Emma told me last night that she is sad cause when she goes with her dad he just drops her off at his aunts house and leaves. She said she spends bolth friday and saturday nights there, and it makes her sad because she wants to be whith her dad. She said she had her aunt call him one time cause she wanted him to come pick her up, and he said he would come but he didnt. They had to call him a second time to get him to come. This made me sad for her and angry! I mean, i would like to be with her on the weekends. If hes not even going to spend time with her i might as well keep her home! So anyway, i called him and talked to him about it in a really kind, non-threatening way and he said thaat he would spend the time with her from now on. I also told him not to be mad at her for saying something. i hope he listens to me! Emma needs to be able to ask for what she needs without being afraid of getting in trouble.
So, that was the other day. TODAY i ran into Mirella, Zlatko's recently ex'd wife, at walmart. We got to talking about Zlatko, trading war stories and what-not, and she told me some things that i really did not want to hear. Like, that he WAS plotting to take custody from me last spring when i was in treatment. See, Margo, i wasnt just being paranoid! Mirella said that was his plan all along, and the only reason he didnt do it was because she put her foot down and wouldnt go along with it and he knew he wouldnt have a good chance in court if his wife wasnt on board. Mirella also thinks that that was the main reason her married her and brought her over from Bosnia, so he would have a wife at home to take care of emma so he could take custody. she also said that when emma was at their house, she was the one that took care of her and he was always at the bar or off with his friends. That makes sense to me now, that since mirella left him, now he just drops emma off at his aunts house. Oh- and mirella said that she heard that he is planning to go to to bosnia again to marry another woman and bring her back. Great. So now im worried that he is going to take me to court when we move to ames. AAARRRGH! Ok- as im writing this im listening to emma play with annie and sakina in her room. Annie hit sakina on accident and emma said " dont worry, sometimes when my dad hits me i get a red mark on my cheek but it goes away". SHIT SHIT SHIT! So i just called her out here and asked her if her dad hits her alot and she said not any more, which is consistent with what she told her therapist. But i dont even want it to be part of her vernacular. What a bastard! I hate him! I want him to GO GO GO AWAY! I have so much stress right now before all this stuff got brought up! Im feeling very sick to my stomach right now and have for most of the day, which isnt helping the eating situation. But i CANT GET SICK again cause now i know what zlatko would do! I feel like i cant crack or show ANY signs of weakness!
So, im going to try to be brave and talk to him about this tonight. Just say that when she is whith him i expect HIM to be the one taking care of her, tucking her in at night, being there when she wakes up, feeding her meals, not smoking around her, and im going to reiterate that he is NOT to hit her! So wish me luck.

Spilled MyGuts

Ok, so on Thursday i DID end up calling my therapist to see if he could sqeeeze me in, and he did. I agonized all day about whether or not i should tell him about the weight loss and restricting and was quite nervous but in the end i guess i didnt have to worry about this because apparrently it was obvious. What i mean is, the first thing Cory said when he saw me is "You look thinner! Are you thinner?". He said this with a big smile on his face, like he was congratulating me or something. Weird. Maybe he was just trying to be nonthreatening or something. Anyway, i just brushed it off with a smooooth change of subject cause i still wasnt sure i wanted to talk about it. I started telling him about how ive been feeling closed off from my husband and drawn into my mind most of the time. We started talking about how it might have to do with my religious struggle that im having. Then he started talking about love and how to love someone well you have to be honest with them. That was when i said "well i havent exactly been honest with chris about, um, food stuff lately". Then cory sat right up in his chair and i could hear him thinking "jackpot!". So he very casually starts asking me questions and he wants to know EVERYTHING, like what do i eat in a typical day and have i lost weight and stuff like that. And i tell him the truth, but the whole time ED is just SCREAMING in my ear, things like"stupid girl, shut up!" or "dont tell him, he'll just interfere" and "dont bust yourself". And then theres my personal favorite "its not like any of this is a big deal cause after all youre not underweight". But i was brave and i kept talking. Cause i dont want this to turn into a relapse; i dont want to get really sick again. ED derides me for asking for help before things get bad, but isnt that what im supposed to do? Anyway, cory said a bunch of things that were really helpful, unfortunately i cant remember any of it right now. My recall sucks! One thing we disagreed on- he thinks i should tell Chris whats going on, but i dont want to. Because im afraid he will make me stop. And im not ready to yet. At least not until im feeling safer emotionaly, which is something im going to work on with cory. And so it goes.....

Olestra rox my sox!

Seriously! How else can a girl get her snack on and stay regular at the same time? Talk about killing two birds with one stone! A little eating disorderish, you say? I say: BRING IT! And pass the fat free Pringles while you're at it. Cause who needs vitamins A and K, anyway...

Annies a fish...and I'm a failure...

hmm.... i was all excited about this blog at first but seemed to have burned myself out in the first week. Well, that and there hasnt really been anything to report. I watched an interesting show on monkeys the other day...that was fun. Went to AA today...that was smokey! Annie drew on the wall, and now i have to go get a Magic Eraser. Other than that, not much has been going on. Emma has been home sick from school all week, but that is kind of borring to write about. Mostly we just sit around at home cause it is too cold to take a sick little girl out. I did get to go out last night to take annie to mom-baby swimming, which wasnt so bad cause i was excited just to get out of the house. She is doing really good! When we first started going, she wouldnt put her head under the water and just clung tight to me like she was afraid. Now she puts her head under, and if i support her stomach with my hand she kicks her feet and moves her arms like shes doing strokes. I am so proud of her! Ok-so heres the bad: I weighed myself at the Y and i lost quite a bit. At first i thought the scale was broke, so i used the other one they had and it said the same thing. I have kind of been in denial and not weighing myself was a way for me to go on believing that im ok and everything is fine. I guess now i have evidence that things are not going so well. Its hard, though. i just dont want to deal with some of the things that are going on in my life and particularly my marriage. Its easier to focus on what i amm going to eat and not eat. Of course i know this is all bs but that is how i feel right now. What i really need to do is talk more to my therapist and possibly ask him if i can see him every week instead of evey other week. of course, than i would have to admit that i am not this super-recovery-superstar-perfect-patient that everone thinks i am. or at least i thik everyone thinks i am! Hmmm....what to do. More later...

re foodstamps and crablegs

um, am a little bit embarassed about previous post re food stamps. I feel i must explain, lest anyone think i am a full-on welfare princess. we just get the food stamps and medical, but thats it. Mostly, we live on lovely student loans and my social security. See, my husband is in school full-time, studying to be an engineer. So, we figure that even though we need some assistance now, he will get a good job when he graduates and pay taxes for the rest of forever and that will more than pay for what we are using now. Plus, theres all the taxes he paid all those years he was making sweet moolah working as a jeweler. So, we dont feel guilty. not much. And i do try to be responsible with the food stamps. But come on- its not my fault they allow you to buy Diet Coke with them!
Oh, birthday update: Christopher and i did go to Red Lobster, and we had a lovely time. Except chris kept staring at me while i ate. It turns out he likes the way i dive into a pile of crablegs like a ravenous raccoon! He thinks its sexy. Riiiiggghht.

happy birthday to me!

I feel compelled to share this momentous occasion (me turning 30) with all of you (the two of you who actually read this)! So here goes...
I woke up this morning to find out that my children are still crazy. Me turning 30 hasn't caused THEM to mature any. Thats ok though. So, it was business as usual and i was having a pretty good birthday until i got ungifted by Victorias Secret. Let me explain. I had to return a bra which had been purchased in conjunction with another bra. The combined total price of the two bras had qualified me for a free gift, which i had gladly accepted. Now, since i was returning one of the bras, they wanted the gift back. Well, it makes sense to me on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level i was irritated. No, pissed! Nevermind that the gift in question was just a crappy messenger bag that i would probably never use and eventually donate to goodwill anyway! It's my birthday, damnit! I shoudnt be losing gifts!
Well, things got better when Chris came home for lunch with 2 dozen roses for me. What a sweetie! Oh, and my friend Amanda stopped by and gave me this really nice study Bible and a sweet card that almost made me cry. I opened my presents and got pretty much everything i asked for, which made me feel kind of guilty cause i really dont feel like i deserve half of it. I put on a big smile and didnt let it show, though. I am looking forward to tonight- Chris and i are going on a DATE! We are going to Red Lobster. Chris hates seafood, so the only time i get to go there is on my birthday. I am trying to calm the food fears for today and just relax and enjoy myself. I was reflecting earlier today on how many special occasions have been ruined or overshadowed by my eating disorder. I'm really trying to break that tradition. Well, thats all for now. i will write more later about the rest of my day.

Emma does sandtray

today was an interesting mix. First off, annie filled her diaper with the most disgusting soup-poop i have EVER seen! I mean, it was coming out everywhere! I had to wrap the poor kid up in a towel, run her to the tub,, and clean her off there. Im telling you, it was epic.
Then it was off to the walmart, where i bought two cases of slimfast and five bags of halloween candy and paid for it with....FOOD STAMPS! Not my proudest moment, but better then the time i used my foodstamps to buy sugarfree Rockstar.
Next was parent-teacher conference witth Emmas first grade teacher. This was the highlight of my day. Emma is so smart, she is doing so well in everything and is even in ELP, which is some kind of advanced learning program. I am so proud of her!
Then a cloud settled over my day as i had to take Emma to her therapy appiontment. I am told that i need to give myself a break on this one, but cant help but feel like a loser parent every time i take her. Today there was a tiny bit of irony. As we left emmas appointment she was telling me what she did with her play therapist and i realized she was talking about sandtray. My kid did sandtray! This is something i did 3 years ago at the center for change. Poor Emma. We have way too much in common.
All that loveliness was soon forgotten, though, as we had to gear up for our church's trunk or treat, which turned out to be lots of fun. i took some pictures, but dont know how to post them on the blog. The weather is perfect for halloween merriment- the girls didnt have to wear coats over their costumes. They are both kitties-SO CUTE!
Well- that is all on today. I am quite tired- need sleep!
see ya! happy halloween!

3 ft beefstick

the other day i was thinking about my husband and feeling bad and guilty about how cranky i was toward him the night before. Sometimes i just get in a foul, icky mood and turn into this beast- woman. My poor husband comes home from work and i lash out- i dont mean to. On this particular night i was angry with Chris bacause he had scheduled an evening appointment with a financial planner. That meant i had to make dinner early while simultaneously giving the girls their baths, which was way stressful. When chris got home from work i made it clear to him through various passive-aggressive behaviors that i was NOT happy. then, the financial planner didnt even show up. He must have sensed that we have no money.
Anyway, the next day i felt this rush of guilt and sympathy for my husband. The poor guy works so hard, and hes a great dad to our girls, AND he has to deal with my craziness. I wanted to do something nice for him to show him that i care, like get him a romantic card or something. But i found something even better at the flying j- a beefstick that had to have been like 3 ft long! It had "Chris" written all over it! So i put the beefstick on the kitchen table and wrote this really nice apology/love note to go with it. At the end i wrote "please accept this 3 ft long beefstick as a token of my love and appreciation". Chris found it when he came home for lunch. Wwhen i got home he took me in his arms and gave me this really sweet and loving hug and said "thank you". All was forgiven!
Maybe i should go back to the flying j and stock up on beefsticks. Cause im bound to screw up again soon.

sunday, part 2

wellll.... i must say that this sunday has gone MUCH better than the last few! for one thing, i tried to have a better attitude about church. i figured that if im going as a favor to my husband i shouldnt act so tortured and morose. when its painfully obvious to him that i am in misery it kind of ruins the experience for him, too. so, after a good night sleep, and the right amount of caffeine, i decided to make an effort. i smiled at people. i looked them in the eye. i tried to ignore all the negative talk in my head. and you should have seen me in nursery- i was a superstar! i played with the kids and read them books and sang the songs and guess what i found out? kids love me! the only thing i am worried about now is that ive set the bar too high. will the kids expect the same peppy, jokey, funloving lisa every week. cause im not sure i can keep it up. i guess i should not worry about that just yet. lets take it one sunday at a time!

sunday

well, its sunday again. why does the rest of the week, especialy saturday, go so fast, and sunday goes so slow. can anyone explain this to me? its like some sort of time warp. i really do not like sundays. here's why:
1. theres nothing to do. NOTHING! we cant go to the store, cause that would be breaking the sabbath. we cant go out to eat for the same reason. we are also not supposed to go hiking/camping/fishing or anything else fun or entertaining. so this might be an ideal time to catch up on housework, you say? WRONG! that would be too much work from the sabbath. two weeks ago i decided to do some laundry on a sunday cause we really needed clean clothes. you should have seen the look of dissapointment/disgust my husband sent my way. after all, his mom would NEVER do laundry on a sunday.
2. the tv is on ALL DAY. like i said, theres nothing for the kids to do. so usually i let them watch tv. all day. i hate that. i dont want us to be a family that zones out in front of the tv. but on sunday there arent many alternatives. for the record, idont think that when Heavenly Father said to keep the sabbath day holy he imagined a scenario in which our activities would be so restricted we would just sit in front of the tube like zombies.
3. we have to go to church. i am really not liking church. with my anxiety disorder, it is like a 3 hour panic attack. also, im not really sure that i believe in the book of mormon or the restored gospel anymore. so i feel really out of place and alone inside when i am at church. like i have "reject" stamped on my forehead.
4. i have the nursery calling. two hours in a small room with 20 screaming toddlers. panic, anyone?

back when i was eating the xanax like candy, sunday was my heaviest using day. it took me a couple of mg's just to get in the doors of the chapel. but it made things bearable. i really miss the xanax. especially on sundays.

my major malfunction

ok, so now i have this blog and i'm not really sure what to do with it. these are the questions facing me : should i let anyone read it? if so, who? would anyone want to read it? how candid should i be? these are pretty good questions consinerind im not in the best place mentally right now and if i vented my true feelings it might be triggering as hell for anyone in recovery. let me explain...
ive had anorexia and bulimia since i was 16 (well, eating disorder thoughts and behaviors since i was 13). it wasnt until i had my first daughter seven years ago that i really decided to try to get better, and i have been in and out of recovery ever since. sadly, i have been hospitalized 19 times ( nine times for eating disorder, 10 for anxiety and depression ) and have not been able to attend college, hold a job, or really lead a normal and fulfilling life. i have been on social sec
urity since 2000.
grrr! already this is depressing me. when i step back and read this sad little history of mine i think it makes me sound like a real loser and a whiner!
ok, back to it. I have been married since jan 2004 to christopher and i have two wonderful daughters. emma is 7 and annie is 2. i have been trying so hard to pull away from the role of "sickie" and step into the role of wife and mom, but evil ED (eating disorder) keeps pulling me back. even as i write this i am sipping a 44 0z diet dew instead of eating lunch. whyyyyy?! what the hell is wrong with me? maybe all the artificial sweeteners i have consumed have finally given me brain damage. i want to be a good mom. i want to be a good wife. i want to be a contributiong member of society. having ED around doesnt mesh with any of these things.
part of whats going on is that i am just SO uncomfortable right now at my "target weight". i was in treatment at the university of iowa hospitals and clinics eating disorder program (evil prison)
last spring and per usual they jacked my weight up to the absolute max. for sure, higher that my target at the center for change (awesome treatment center in orem, utah), and higher than what i would consider healthy and normal. i have been maintaining all summer under the watchful eye of michelle (satan), and her henchman , jen. that is another story that i am not sure i want to relate just yet. or ever. anyway, i can feel the intensity of their observation start to wane and summer is giving way to fall (which is a hard time for me anyway) and none of my cold weather clothes fit and i just need a change and something to look forward to like that feeling you get when you step on the scale and your'e down a few and dammit cant i lose weight and still be healthy and a great mom and wife and all those things why cant i have it all! i feel like im living in ths parallel universe, where being "good" and healthy feels rotten and uncomfortable. hey- isnt it supposed to be the other way around?
ok, now that i sound like a ranting raving nutball, let me take you through my day so you can see that i really am sane and functinal. i get up at 7 am when my husband leaves for school. the girls are usually already up and i get them dressed and get them breakfast and make sure emma is all ready for school. then annie and i walk emma out to the bus. after emma is off, its just me and annie. if it is a wed or a thurs i take annie to my mother in law's so i can go to aa (a whole other story) and therapy. if it is a mon or fri i usually take annie to the library- annie is ADDICTED to books and i like the 25 cent magazines. if we dont go to the library we are running errands like the grocery store or wal-mart. then we go home and have lunch. annie goes down for a nap around noon and sleeps til about 3 if im lucky. chris comes home briefly for lunch. this is one of the highlights of my day. while annie is napping i usually read, play on the computer, watch cooking shows, do housework. when annie gets up we play around for awhile and then it is time to meet emma at the bus stop. usually emma has one of her little friends from our apartment over to play, or she goes to their apartment and annie and i are left to amuse ourselves. on tues we have dinner way early cause emma has swim class at 5:30. annie and i are in a mother/baby swim class at this time which i hate, but annie LOVES it so i suck it up. the rest of the time we have dinner at 6:30, when chris gets home. then emma does her homework and then its time for the girl's baths. then its bedtime, which involves me lying in bed with annie and singing her 6 lullabys in a certain order and then reading a chapter of little house on the prairie to emma. then its ME TIME ! well, this is not as exciting as it sounds. usually, chris and i just watch something from netflix then go to bed. currently we are watching the first season of flight of the conchords, which is very funny. anyway, i am usually in bed by 9:30.
well, there you have it. my day. what seems to be missing is TIME WITH FRIENDS. this is because i left most of them behind when i was gutwrenchingly ripped from from my home in wonderful salt lake city while still in a post-hospital drug haze and transplanted roughly back in waterloo, ia. the armpit of the midwest. but no, im not bitter about how that all went down. not at all. because it was all for my own good. hmm. anyway, i have managed to make 2 friends here. jude, mom to emmas little friend ava, lives downstairs from me. she is really cool and easy to talk to and has lots of good stories. she usually has good advice, since she has been in the world longer than me. she is also very assertive, which is a trait that i am tryingg to cultivate. then there is my neighbor amanda, who is more or less my age and has a CUTE little boy named noah who is about the same age as annie. we get the kids together for playdates and then sit and chat and whatnot. amanda is sweet and sincere and also a very devoted christian. i have been talking to her alot about spiritual matters as i am struggling with my own religion (i may write more about that later). so those are my friends. i have lots of aquaintences through church and also lots of inlaws, but but i feel like most of these people judge me and i dont really feel comfortab le around them.
hmm, i have written alot today and feel the need to take a break. maybe i will write more later.

um, hello? this is my blog?