I Hate Bulimia!

Just when i thought things were under control, bulimia raises it's ugly head! The last several days have been so bad! I hate this! Today i worked out, took Anne to the library, came home and fixed her lunch and put her down for a napp and really felt ok and didnt have the urge to binge at all. I thought i was in the clear for today. Then i was munching in some carrot sticks and the next thing i knew i was all "chris do you mind if i run to the gas station for a cookie" and then it was off to the races! I return with said cookie and also donuts that are smashed cause i have to make them fit in my purse to smuggle them back in the house. I hate being so sneaky and decietful! Then i have to count the seconds till chris goes to school and i can REALLY get started, in the meantime i nibble my cookie and try to look normal when what i really want to do is just SHOVE THE WHOLE THING IN MY MOUTH!
I hate it all- the anxiety of the pre-binge, the desperation of the binge, and the raw reality of the purge. I hate the whole disgusting cycle! Why do i keep doing it?
In the old days i used to lie awake at night and plan the next days binges, but now its different. These days i dont even want IT, dont plan IT, do my best to avoid IT, but IT comes and sneaks up and takes over before i am even aware of whats happening and then i am right in the middle of IT and oh hell, might as well finish what you start.
If they ever find a part of the brain that is responsible for this i would have the doctors cut it out. I would! I would have BRAIN SURGERY if thats what it took to get rid of this deamon.
I have a feeling it is not going to be that easy.

new T

ok, so i think i really have decided to see a different therapist. Things with Corey are just not healthy anymore. It's his whole preoccupation with fitness; in some ways i think we are so alike, it's scary. I just think i need a fresh start with someone new. I debated this with myself for awhile. I mean, i am moving in august, so it seems kind of silly to be getting a new therapist. But if i stay with corey, it would be 4 more months of feeling triggered and unsure. Like, alot of times i think i am overreacting. It's not like he says anything REALLY innapropriate. It's just little comments. Like the other day we were talking about ideal body weights (a conversation i am really not healthy enough to be having with anyone) and he said "i think that runway models are very curvy in all the right ways. Like, they have curves that could be considered attractive. I'm think it's funny when fat women say things like 'real women have curves', thats just such a rationalization! There's a difference between rolls and curves!"
I could not believe that he said that! I quickly scanned my mental images for a picture of a runway model with curves and couldnt really come up with one. And what an unfair thing to say about heavy women, who are probably just trying to gain a sense of empowerment in a world that marginalizes them. But as usual i was too much of a chicken to say anything and just nodded. I tend to want approval from males and male therapists are no exception. In a way, i feel guilty, because it is patly my fault that this situation has been building. I should have been calling him on these things as they happened, not keeping my feelings inside. It's not reaally fair to him. As it is, I am going to tell him this wed that i am switching therapists and he doesnt have a clue. Like maybe if i had told him before how his comments and attitude made me feel, it would have given him a chance to correct the situation. Am i even making sense? For some reason, i am having a hard time expressing myself today.
So, on to the new T. Her name is Hope (ironic) and i already know her because she taught the DBT group i did last summer, and she remembered me too. She doesnt specialize in ed's, but she does treat patients with them. She specializes in borderline personality disorder, which i have been diagnosed with in the past and still have traits of. She asked me to come up with some "treatment goals" to share when i come in on the 13th and it made me think "yikes i actually have to work in therapy again". Lataly i have been kind of ambivalent about wanting to give up my ed and have not been working very hard in therapy. You know, just passing the time. I am excited and scared all at once. oh, and waaay nervous about my next (last) appt with corey. I hope he is proffesional and doesnt snap on me!

i miss...

i miss my friend Keely.
i miss temple square.
i miss my quirky sugarhouse neighborhood.
i miss memory grove park.
i miss hogle zoo. we had passes and used to go there all the time. Annie would have loved it!
i miss liberty park, and the wading fountains there. Another place Annie would have loved.
i miss wheeler farm in the spring.
i miss trolley square mall.
i miss the sanders.
i miss living in a bigger city.
i miss seeing the mountains.
i miss having an md who actually knew about eating disorders.
i miss the tea grotto.
i miss the seagulls. And the magpies.
i miss all the flowering fruit trees.
i miss our old ward.
i miss gardner village in the fall.
i miss the sales at smith's and albertson's.
i miss our friends.


i didnt appreciate these things when they were all around me.

swimsuit

Just a quick post to record a momentous occasion- I went swimsuit shopping today and didn't leave the mall in a suicidal deppression! Actually, every swimsuit that i tried on looked good. Not just not-heinous, but really, really good! Could it be that my body image is improving, or is swimsuit technology getting better? I suspect the latter, but nomatter the reason, i'm greatful to have found a decent suit with a minimum of fuss. Now if only i could find a bra that fit...

la de da

Well, i am still here, trying to fix my bad attitude. I had therapy today, but i'm not really ssure what the point of it was. We spent at least 15 minutes talking about pop. I have been toying with the idea of taking a break from therapy, but i'm not really clear on whether my motivation for this is healthy or not. I asked corey if there was a point to me coming in anymore and he said he didnt know, which kind of suprised me. Then i asked him if he thought i could change and he said "yes", and that it just might not be on my timetable, or something like that. So i guess i will keep going for now.
Chris is going back to work tommorrow. A month ago i would have been ok with this, but now i am not so sure. I have gotten used to having him around. He is like my security blanket; i feel much more grounded when he is here. But i know this is something he needs to do for himself.
My mother in law did something really nice for me. She couldn't save my wedding dress; it was too damaged. So she took the front panel, and the pearls, and the bow from the train, and arranged them nicely in a shadow box, so i would have something of it to keep. Isnt she sweet? I think that is how chris turned out so good.
I still have this annoying cold/sinus thing that i cant seem to get rid of. THe Affrin has stopped being effective and now i am just sniffling all the time- gross! Other than that, not much is going on. Just getting back into the swing of things after spring break. And dealing with Emma's little friends- apparently friend 1 doesnt like friend 2, and has told emma that she will not be her friend if emma plays with friend 2. Ugh! Friend 1 is a catty little girl who often stops talking to Emma for no reason and will be her friend one day, and not the other day. And now she wants to tell emma who she can be friends with? I dont think so! I had a talk with Emma about making up her own mind and doing what she thinks is right and treating others the way she would like to be treated, and how important it is not to let others control you and to make your own decisions, that sort of thing. Sheesh! Girls are so mean. And i know its only going to get worse as she gets closer to junior high. Im glad im done with all that personally.

back to reality

OK, so ive had some time to think since my last post, and i have realized that all of the things that i said about recovery could be said about the eating disorder. I mean, i feel fat all the time, even when i am disgusstingly thin. And i always feel like crap when i look in the mirror! And, lets face it, even if i do get to a point where i am happy with my weight, im not really happy at all. I live in fear that i will gain, and am ruled by obsessive thoughts that isolate me from my friends and family. Plus, there is the physical weakness and general crappiness of starving.
So what am i to do? How can i be happpy in this catch 22 situation? I feel like ive painted myself into a corner. Unfortunately, i "chose" the eating disorder road long ago, and now i am paying for it, because now i dont have the power to choose anymore. Im stuck with this unwanted guest in my head, day and night, beating me sensless.
I really am tired of this.

rant

WARNING- TRIGGERING!


If recovery is so great, why do i feel so shitty!? Why do i feel like i want to come out of my skin, every second of every day that i am at a "healthy weight" ? And every time i look in the mirror, i fell like iv'e had the wind knocked out of me! It's like a slap in the face! I'm sick of it. I feel like iv'e been duped! I could have been losing weight this whole time; i could be thin and happy right now! Instead i am distgustingly, horribly fat! aaaarrrgh!


(dont say i didnt warn you)

BACK HOME

Well i got back from my road trip on friday and i must say i had such a great time! And my girls are SO good on the road- 1300 miles in the car and no crying or complaining! Of course, i try to make it fun, with lots of stops and this road bingo game i made for emma, with prizes and everything. We spent two days at the Great Wolf lodge in traverse city, michigan, wich was AWESOME! It had an indoor waterpark and a "cave" in our room the first night and a "cabin" the ssecond night (we switched rooms). And Emma played this game called Magic Quest. You buy a wand, which you get to keep, and the game is played all throughout the hotel. The wand activates different items, like portraits and treasure chests, that you have to find, and you go on different quests. Its kind of like being in a video game. Even some of the taxidermied animals in the lodge would sayy things if you pointed the wand at them! Emma had a blast!
I did pretty good with the eating disorder on the trip. I dont have a scale, but i am pretty sure i have gained all that weight i was talking about, and then some. I only purged once, despite all the eating out and fast food we ate on the trip. Ironically, my purge was a weight watcher's frozen dinner i microwaved in our hotel room. There is no figuring out this illness sometimes.
I'm having alot of second thoughts about this whole "healthy weight" thing. I just feel so freaking uncomfortable! And fat! And what's worse, i feel so ORDINARY! Like there is nothing special about me. It's too bad that my world has shrunk to such a small place that the only way i can feel special or accomplished is to lose weight and become extremely thin, but there it is. It seems so empty and meaningless, yet life seems meaningless without it. I guess if i had gone to college or had a career or whatever i would have something to fall back on, but i have spent my whole adult life, and a good part of my teens, doing THIS! It has been my occupation, so to speak. I have always measured my success, my standing in the world, by my weight. I dont know how to view myself another way.
This is all kind of deppressing to me. I worry that i will die from my illness, or live a "sick" life. And be a bad role model for my girls, and have to watch my choices repeat myself in them. That sounds like the worst kind of torture. I am at a loss to know how to change myself, but i kknow that i have to, somehow.

quick post

I am just wainting for chris to get back from Avis with the rental car and then we are outta here! We are going on a road trip to the upper penninsula of Michigan- Chri wants to see the macinaw bridge. It's the largest or second largest suspension bridge in north america- whoopie- i know. But chris learned about it iin one of his engineering classes and now he really wnts to see it. Yes, he is a nerd, but he is my nerd and i love him! Anyways, i am glad to just be going anywhere, and i still get ridiculously excited about staying in hotels, so i am psyched. On the downside, i have a nasty sinus thing going on so i am not sleeping and either hopped up or doped up on decongestents, it depends what time of the day it is. But i am determined to make the best of it. I found some airborne that had expired in 07 but i took it anyway and it tastted ok and still fizzed and everthing.
Oh, something really awful happened the other day. We were storing a suitcase in my inlaws garage, but it is this old farm garage that is leaky and stuff, so the suitcase has been leaked on and molding for the last 2 years and we finally decided to throw it out. We thought it was empty, but when we looked inside we discovered that my wedding dress was in there! i thought it had been hanging in his parents closet this whole time! Of course, it is completely ruined- moldy and rotting! I didnt think i was so sentimental but i cried and cried and cried. I didnr have a very big or spectacular wedding, and the dress is all i had to remember it. But, as my mom poined out, i have chris which is most important. But i started getting all symbolic and melodramatic and blubbering about how the dress was ruined just like me; when we were married everything was so perfect but i have made so many mistakes and screwed up so bad and was ruined just like the dress. Chris said no this was not true. He was feeling really bad about the dress, though- he actually cried! I guess i will think more about what to do whith it after the trip. Right now im just relieved that its gone so i dont have to look at it. Plus it stank up the apartment! Ugh! Well, i better go. Happy spring break!

friday the 13th

I am about ready to give up on my aforementioned weight-related goal. I feel gross, disgusting fat, horrible, nasty, itchy, cranky, bad, bad, BAD! (yes, i know these are not really feelings)


Oh, and i ate an entire bag of Brach's jellybeans today. I think they are lodged somewhere in my colon.


They were yummy.

FED UP (i can do this!)

Im sick of feeling like shit! Im sick of cooking meals for my family and and not being able to eat with them! Sick of going to bed afraid that i wont wake up in the morning! Sick of all of it! It's just not worth it! Today in therapy we were talking about weight and I identified a weight that is within a healthy bmi range for me, yet is not scary- high like the target weight from my last treatment. Its a place that i think i could be ok at, and, while i wouldnt be CRAZY about how i looked and felt, i wouldnt have to starve or purge to maintain it. So... I think i am going to go for it. I dont have to gain TOO much in order to get there, but i am still kind of freaked out, cause i am used to trying to lose, not gain. I started already, at dinner, eating an appropriate amount with my family. Right now i feel like a beached whale. I have changed my mind back and forth at least five times in the last hour. Sometimes, i think i am going to restrict tommorrow to make up for dinner and so on and so forth. Then i remind myself of all the reasons i want to get better. I hope i can do this! I dont want to be sick for the next 20+ years or the rest of my life. And, looking at it logically, if i want to get better, weight gain is inevitable. And its not like i have a long way to go. But any gain causes MAJOR anxiety! Maybe this is wrong thinking, but one thing i have been telling myself is, if i dont like being "healthy", i can always go back. I know how. Weird, but that's kind of comforting to me. But i'm going to give it a real shot first. Hopefully i wont be on this blog next week eating my words. It seems like i have alot of breakthroughs and grand ideas that never seem to last. I hope this one is different.

a bit of good news

I just read my last post and realized that it was a bit of a downer so here's some good news: i found out today that my insurance approved my Pristiq! Hooray! I have been on samples since December, and my insurance company refused to cover it at first, so my doc had to fill out a bunch of forms and such. Well, it looks like they are going to cover it now. They should! I mean, i have tried every available ssri, a few snri's, some tricyclics, you get the picture. What i'm trying to say is, there are good reasons that i need a newer drug. So, anyways, i'm happy about that. Oh, and I saw my psych doc last night and iv'e graduated from seeing him every 2-3 weeks, to not seeing him for 2 months! So there's a bit of progress! Outside of the eating disorder, i'm enjoying a period of stable mental health at the moment. :)

please pass the v8

Well, my potassium was normal at 3.7 when they took it yesterday morning (normal is 3.5- 5.0), but i have not been doing very well ed wise since then, so i am currently treating myself to a huge glass of low-sodium v8. May i just say that i HAAAAATE bulimia! My feelings regarding the anorexia are mixed, but i swear if i never had to stare down the inside of a toilet bowl again, i would be one happy woman! Sorry to be so graphic, but there it is.
Mostly, i just wish i could accept my body at a healthy weight and trust it enough to eat intuitively again. Yesterday, i was so desperate for some success; to feel normal, that i said to myself' "to heck with the rules, i'm going to eat with my family and have what they are having". I was just longing for a "normal" family dinner. But about 5 minutes into it, ed started up, and i had all these thoughts about how fat i was going to be and how much weight i was going to gain from the food i was eating ect ect and before i knew it i had decided i was going to purge. Which meant i could have seconds, and thirds, because why not, i was going to get rid or it anyway? Looking back, I'm trying to figure out where i went wrong. Was it too risky to try to be "normal"? Should i have just stuck with my Boost and left the real food to those who could handle it? Should i have taken smaller portions, or maybe skipped the potatoes? Then would it have been ok? I'm just trying to figure this out, because somewhere in there there has got to be an answer for me; some way for me to join my family at the table and be ok with it. I hate to say this, but i am starting to lose hope that i will ever be "better" or "normal". Non-eating-disordered. I don't know. Maybe i am just having a bad week.

STITCHES!

Ok, so we were just sitting around, enjoying a quiet Sunday afternoon at home, when Annie( my 2 year old) decided to take a swandive off of her rocking chair right into the corner of the entertainment center. She hit it head first with a sickening "crack" noise then started screaming at the top of her lungs. I got to her, but as soon as i saw the blood i knew that i couldn't look so Chris had to pick her up and survey the damage while i composed myself ( i tend to freak out when one of my kids gets hurt). I was imagining that her eye was out of the socket or her teeth were missing or her face was somehow rearranged to look like Sloth from the Goonies, but Chris showed me it was just a cut on her forhead that, while deep, was rather small. Still, we had to take her to the urgent care clinic for- you guessed it- stitches. This was not nearly as traumatic as i thought it would be. First, they wrapped her up in a blanket so she couldn't move. i told Annie they were going to wrap her up "like a baby", and she seemed to accept this just fine. The doc said most kids go ballistic. Then, the doc gave her a shot of novacaine near the cut to numb the site for the stitches. Poor little Annie was so brave! She whimperd a little, and looked at me and Chris for reassurance, but she didn't cry! Then the doctor gave her 4 stitches, and she didnt cry or squirm or anything! Her little eyes were full of concern, but we just kept praising her and telling her that everything was ok and how good she was doing, and then it was all over. The doctor and nurses were amazed! When it was over, Annie was actually smilling in the mirror at her cartoon character bandaids! I think the whole thing was harder on Chris and i than it was on her! She is so amazingly cute and wonderful!
I kept being paranoid that the doctor was ggoing to call a social worker or something, because when Annie hit the edge of the entertainment center she also hit my wrought iron plant stand so she had these other marks on her face and in general looked all beat up. She still looks pretty rough today. But they didn't say anything about it.
I just ggot back from my doctor appointment where i had my potassium rechecked, so i am waiting to hear if it is still low. If it is low, the doctor is going to give me some supplements.
We found an apartment in Ames on friday. We are not moving until aug, but since it is a college town you have to get them early. Oh, yes, and it is smaller than our place now but costs about $130 more a month. Yay for that. After spending the day driving aroun Ames, i am no longer psyched to be moving there. It looks like just another craphole to me. A craphole where i wont know anyone and dont have a treatment team or any friends or family and no ywca what the hell am i going to do!? Well i guess i will have to figure somthing out. I am just being negative right now; i'm sure it isn't that bad.

sunny day

Today is beautiful outside! Just gorgeous! I am doing better today, too. I did go to the Y but just walked, thank you very much, doctor! But i felt RIDICULOUS! Like a little old lady on that treadmil! But i did it, and i have a sense of peace that i know that today i am taking care of myself, at least to the best of my ability for right now. Oops i have to go- scary gyno appt looming at three o'clock! Maybe i will post more later.

hits & misses

Wellll...... I was able to add two potassium rich foods to my intake today. In addition to shakes and apples, I am now enjoying oranges and low-sodium v8. So, hopefully that will help things along. Fyi: low-sodium v8 has more potassium than regular.
That's the good. The bad is- I went to the Y to WALK and lift weights and the first thing i did was get on the scale and find out that in the one day i took off from excercising i gained considerable weight. It was a horrible feeling- like a punch in the stomach. I could tell by my body that i had gained so i just should have stayed away srom the scale but i just HAD to know. It's that morbid curiosity. But that much? In one day? How on earth am I going to "take it easy" until my dr appt next monday!?
All of this was swirling through my head as i got on the treadmill and cranked up my ipod. And i started out, fully intending a mild stroll, but then I just had thhis flash of anger course through my body and i JUST GOT MAD! Mad that I couldnt excercise! Mad that, for once, I had done what I was supposed to do, and now I was paying for it with emotional pain and discomfort. And i just thought "screw it" and started running. Yeah, i know, i have about the emotional sophistication of a two year old. And i was just reading my post from yesterday, and all those good, healthy thoughts i was having about recovery, and now i feel really bad. I just dont understand myself sometimes. I want recovery so bad, yet i balk every time it gets hard or I feel uncomfortable!
In other news, we are going to Ames friday to look at some apartments and i am kind of excited about that. It will be nice to know where we are going to move and exactly when and stuff like that. I have never been to Ames before, and we are taking Emma out of school to come with us, so it should be a fun road trip.

Thought I Was Doing Really Good, But...

Things are all messed up. Last night I had a really fun trip to the ER with sypmtoms of some kind on heart problem. Turns out my potassium was low. But i have been doing pretty good with the purging, so the doctor thinks its all the excercise, which i admit has been a bit excessive. But here's the tricky part- my potassium was low, but he didnt want to give me an iv or any pills; instead he told he to go home and "eat potassium rich foods, like bannanas and potatoes". Ok, this is a problem for me, becuase i tend to purge just about every "food" i eat, which is why i drink the Boost, and I told the doc this, so he said " well, double the Boost. And no excercising.". So I was left to go home and freak out about how am I supposed to increase my intake while decreasing my excercise HEY DOC IF I COULD DO THAT I BET I WOULDN'T HAVE THIS STUPID EATING DISORDER! Well, i woke up today feeling stressed out and hella fat and bloated and so far have purged twice today which is pretty much the oposite of raising my pottasium. So i was happy that i had an appointment with Corey, but it ended up being one of those sessions that made me feel more deppressed and hopeless. And confused. Corey thinks I can still exercise, like walking and lifting weights. So I am tempted to go do it tommorrow. Just walking, nothing big. I have a follow up appointment with my doc on monday to get my potassium rechecked and maybe me will give me some potassium supplements. I have a feeling that i keep spelling potassium wrong. Anyways. It seems like once i get a handle on one pertt of my ed, another part gets out of control. I thought i was doing so good, not purging and everything, when the whole time i was also in denial about overexercising and restricting. So now i have to face that, While still trying to not binge or purge. It's just all too much sometimes. While i was talking about this stuff in Corey's office, i had this mental image of myself just going home and crawling into bed and pulling the covers up over my head and hiding from it all. Cause thats what i feel like doing. But i have to keep going, keep trying, hoping something works. I have to do it forr my girls. They are the light of my life and my inspiration. The other day, Emma and i were talking about things we were afraid of. she said that the thing she was most afraid of was me dying. That really has given me something to think about; to my girls, i am everything. If they lost me, their lives would be affected forever. I can't let that happen. So....I will cool it on the excercise. I will try to find a way to increase my intake without freaking out and purging. I will treat myself with love and respect, so i can be a good example to my girlies. Cause i sure wouldn't want either of them doing this to themselves. It would break my heart.