Just when i thought things were under control, bulimia raises it's ugly head! The last several days have been so bad! I hate this! Today i worked out, took Anne to the library, came home and fixed her lunch and put her down for a napp and really felt ok and didnt have the urge to binge at all. I thought i was in the clear for today. Then i was munching in some carrot sticks and the next thing i knew i was all "chris do you mind if i run to the gas station for a cookie" and then it was off to the races! I return with said cookie and also donuts that are smashed cause i have to make them fit in my purse to smuggle them back in the house. I hate being so sneaky and decietful! Then i have to count the seconds till chris goes to school and i can REALLY get started, in the meantime i nibble my cookie and try to look normal when what i really want to do is just SHOVE THE WHOLE THING IN MY MOUTH!
I hate it all- the anxiety of the pre-binge, the desperation of the binge, and the raw reality of the purge. I hate the whole disgusting cycle! Why do i keep doing it?
In the old days i used to lie awake at night and plan the next days binges, but now its different. These days i dont even want IT, dont plan IT, do my best to avoid IT, but IT comes and sneaks up and takes over before i am even aware of whats happening and then i am right in the middle of IT and oh hell, might as well finish what you start.
If they ever find a part of the brain that is responsible for this i would have the doctors cut it out. I would! I would have BRAIN SURGERY if thats what it took to get rid of this deamon.
I have a feeling it is not going to be that easy.
Judgement and Regrets
1 week ago