carless thursday

well my husband's car is in the sho, and the car that he is borrowing from his parents wouldn't start this morning, so he has my car and i am carless. Boo that! I was going to go to Cedar Rapids to see my mom today, but since i dont have a car she decided to come down here and i am really excited to see her. She is going to have surgery on her new cancer mass this monday and i am kind of worried about it. i havent written about it too much because emotionally i am pretty shut down about the whole thing. I mean, i can say that i am worried about her, but i have a feeling that that is just the tip of the iceberg; that there are feelings in there that i am not feeling or facing or acknowledging. I don't know....
One thing thing that i feel bad about is, her hemoglobin is low, and she is going into surgery and everything, and i would like to be able to donate some blood for her but i am not up to it physically. I feel really bad about that. Of course, i dont even know if we are the same blood type, and then there is the question of all the meds i am on. Like, would they even be able to use my blood. Still, i would like to think that i would be able to donate blood or a kidney or something like that to a relative if it were needed. More incentive to get better, I guess.
In lieu of my blood, i did put my expansive nutritional knowledge to work this morning and walked down to the store and bought some iron rich foods- mollasses, dried apricots, pistachios- i have a recipie for a granola that gives you 26% of your rda for iron in one serving and i think i will make some for my mom so she can snack on; regular meals are hard for her because of her cancer treatments.
On the recovery front- i had a sesh with Hope yesterday and we taalked about how alot of my fears and anxieties are keeping me stuck in my ED. I have seen a couple of studies that said that a large percentage (i cant remember the exact number) of anorexics were diagnosed with an anxiety disorder 2 years prior to onset of the ed. Well, I first started therapy at 11 for anxiety and panic attacks, and didnt develop the ed until i was 13. so i guess that fits. My problem is, my anxiety gets so extreme that its hard to control it using the "skills" i've learned in therapy. they just aren't enough. And i can't take any benzodiazepines, i abuse them and get into trouble every time, which is too bad, cause they help the anxiety so much. i guess for me, the task lies in managing my day and not planning too many activities. But i also cant have too much down time either, because that makes me anxious, too. Oh how i would love to just BE!
I'm back on supplements and some fruits and veggies, and didn't purge or binge at all yesterday :) . Of course, i know this is not a long term plan, so i have gotten a referral from my doc to see a REAL LIVE dietician, and they will probably call to schedule the appointment sometime next week. I am nervous but ready for this step. Of course, the sick part of me is wondering how much weight i can lose before i get in to see her, so she will think that i am really sick and worthy of her help. Bah! Nonsense!
well, i should go clean some things before my mom gets here. Hope everyone has a nice day!

re my last post

k, so there is another reason i'm stalling on seeing a dietician. Please don't moan, groan, and condemn me for my crazy thinking, but here it is: I have an intense fear that the D will think I am too fat to need help. Like, she will look at my weight and say something like "you obviously don't need my help!". Seriously, i would just die. I know this is completely irrational, and wt is not always a determining factor in treatment, but i just put sooo much importance on that number (dont we all). If i had a nickel for every time i heard myself or someone else say "i'm too fat for treatment" Id have, well, a few dozen nickels.
In my personal world, there are only too possible body types for me: Hideously, sickly underweight, or disgustingly fat. There do not seem to be any other possibilities. So, since i am not currently disgustingly thin (even though im not up to target), i must be disgustingly fat. I dont seem to be able to see myself ant other way.
I wanted to write about some other stuff but have run out of time. My sis in law, susie, is on her way to pick me up forr a fun little day trip about wich i am very excited. I will do my best to leave ED at home :)

flatonmyface

well unfortunately the bulimia came back on sat, with a vengeance! 5x b/p sat, 6+ yesterday. So far today only once. Needless to say, i am very discouraged that i cant seem to get this under control again. My teeth hurt, my throat hurts, i feel like i have been hit by a truck. Oh, and i havent been writing down everything i have been eating for that one lady cause i have just been bingeing too much; it would just be too overwehlming. i havent been back to the Y anyway; i just have been too drained.
i did get some good news today, one ray of sunshine. Due to the "American Recovery and Reinvestment Act", everyone who gets social security or SSI gets a 250 dollar bonus payment next month! Yay! Of course, it's already spoken for due to costly car repairs that we just had to have done, but still, good news.
Well, back to business. I have to get back on track. I'm thinking more and more about trying to see a "real dietician". I'm just worried aboout getting a MP that will cause me to gain weight, which i'm not sure if i'm ready to do, or able to do witout freaking out emotionaly. If anyone has opinions or experiences with dieticians that they think might be helpful, please share? Love to all:)

beautiful day update

Well, it's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, and i made it through yesterday without purging! So if I make it through today, that would be 3 days in a row with no purging. Or, as my husband said to me this afternoon, WHEN I make it through today! Isn't he great; I just love him.

I was reading some of my very first blog entries the other day, and it struck me that none of them were about eating disorder stuff, not really. Of course, i started this blog before I relapsed, but it seems that once upon a time i had other things to share with the world besides my anxieties over weight/shape/food. Sad, it's only been a few months, but I can barely remember what that was like. So here, i'm gonna share some random non-ED related stuff:

My 2 year old, Annie, has this "dr cockroach" toy from mcdonalds, from the movie "Monsters vs Aliens". Anyways, this thing is hideous, i mean really ugly, and hard plastic to boot, but she insists on sleeping with it every night. Every time i put her to bed she says "where's my docta' cockroach". Did i mention that she has a new york accent? It's the cutest thing, but weird, since we live in Iowa!
Emma, my 7 year old, is getting really excited for when we move to Ames, because we have promised to get a cat. I am kind of excited, too. Of course, we will get one from the humane society. I am partial to tabby cats. We may even get 2; i haven't talked it over with chris yet. But can you believe, there is "pet rent"! What a bunch of crap! It's only like 20 or 30 dollars, but still! Like a cat can get a job to pay it's share.......
I seem to spend most of my time these days buying things and returning them. Kids clothes, mostly. I always think something will fit my kids, then i get it home and it doesn't, then i have to exchange it. Pain in the a**!
I dressed up for earth day on wed, kind of. I wore this shirt i got from victorias secret that says " save water" on the top and on the bottom says "share a shower". Only, i was a little worried that people might think i was being obscene. I'm kind of paranoid about stuff like that, especially since i was with my kids most of the day. I mean, i wasn't sure it was an appropriate "mommy" shirt. So i ended up tying a really styling knot in the shirt which made the bottom hard to read, so all you could really read was the part about saving water.
And i felt freaking cool all day.
Well, that is about all that is going on in my terribly exciting life. Love to all :)

oh holy crap

oh holy crap i'm not sure i can do this I have been trying to eat "real" food with my family tonight is day 2 last night went ok but for some reason tonight i am freaking out really really really want to purge!!!!!And all we had was a damned chef salad and some hummus i dont know what the deal is why i feel so full and FAT.......Ok ok i can do this i am NOT throwing up but this SUUUUCKS!! fortunately i have therapy at an unusually late hour today and am just about to leave for it so i can proccess it then i will be ok by the time i get home this feeling shall pass ok just breath you can do this

can i do this?

well, I took a step toward seeing a dietician (of sorts) today. A lukewarm, noncommital type step. But a step nonetheless.

Her name is Debbie, she is in charge of health promotions at the Y that i go to and she is also a personal trainer there. I see her there all the time and have had a few conversations with her about fitness/ working out /nutrition. It's a really small Y. Anyway, she told me today that they are going to have someone there in a few weeks who is doing a nutrition internship. She was asking me what my problem areas were with food and i went ahead and told her that i throw up. It was a huge risk for me, but she didn't react with disgust or act weird or anything, I told her basically that i wanted to have more energy, to be able to work out better, to be able to eat with my family, and i wanted a meal plan that would help me do that. Oh, yeah, and i don't want to gain any weight.
To my suprise, she thought this was possible. She thinks that the key for me is getting more protein. She wants me to write down everything i eat for a few days, and bring it to her next week so she can look it over and help me develop a plan(she doesnt think i shoould wait for the other lady to start working there; she thinks i need to get started now). So i'm going to write down what i'm eating, but i have to be careful, cause in the past food diaries have led to obsession.
I feel glad and kind of relieved that i've taken this new step. but part of me is freaking out. I'm already worrying about what she might add to my daily intake, and if i will be able to do it or not. And what if i do it, and i gain weight? Can I handle that? I feel like i am predicting my failure before i have even given it a chance.
well, first things first i guess. Wish me luck.

10 things

I have decided to take a break from all the gloom and doom and do the list of 10 questions that was on Kara's blog awhile back. So here you go...

1.What is one thing you want to learn to make before you die?
Really great, authentic Indian food. Curries and stuff. I'm almost there.

2.What is one thing you avoid doing for fear of humiliation?
Karaoke. I bet I would be really good at it, too!

3.If money weren't an issue, what is the first thing you would buy?
A HOUSE! I want a house so bad! One with a beautiful yard for my kids to play in.

4.What is your favorite blog post that you have written?
"flashback 1998", cause it felt good to share that experience. Or maybe the post where i wrote about buying sugarfree Rockstar with foodstamps. Oh the shame!

5.Would you rather have a personal chef or a personal trainer?
Hmm, tough. Trainer, i guess. I mean, i work out, but i dont really know what i'm doing.

6.What is one weird quirk that you have?
I dont wash my fruits and vegetables, on purpose. Except mushrooms, cause the're grown in poo.

7.If you could invent any kind/breed of animal, what would it be?
A whale that when full grown would be only about 6 inches, so you could keep one for a pet. I think that would be cool.

8.What is the first movie you ever cried in?
Planet of the Apes, original version. The part when Charlton Heston and Linda Harrison were riding down the beach and found the statue of liberty and realized that they had been on earth the whole time. I was 10. It blew my mind.

9.What are a few of your greatest fears and have they happened?
My daughter Emmaa being kidnapped to bosnia by Zlatko, my evil ex. No, it hasn't happened, thank goodness! I just worry, cause he holds her passport.
I fear that i will unintentionally kill myself due to my eating disorder. That hasn't happened yet, either. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

10.What do you want right now, this very minute?
to lose 20 pounds, instantly. Sad, considering the last question. But i'm just being honest.


Anybody who wants to do this list can be tagged. It was kind of a fun diversion. Love to all, L.

weighing in

warning:weight talk ahead, could be triggering....

Despite some excellent advice to the contrary that i have bolth given and recieved in the past 24 hours i decided to weigh myself when i went to the Y today. I gained. NO! DOOM! YES? HAPPY? I don't know anymore.

I basically have 2 weight-related goals; which one i'm following depends on what time of the day you ask and what kind of a mood i'm in.

Goal #1: Lose Weight! Lose as much weight i can, beat my personal best(worst), get really REALLY, INFAMOUSLY thin, scare everybody, live on the EDGE, live dangerously, go all the way baby!

ok, ok, before you stop reading in disgust, have a look at goal #2: Gain Weight, Be Healthy! Eat dinner with my family and actually eat what they are eating! Be a healthy role model for my kids, exercise cause i want too, not cause i have too, find healthy ways to express myself, connect with people, give and recieve, live joyously!

Written out in black and white, it's easy to see which path i should be choosing. And i do. most days. I drink my boost and see my T and tell the truth. But some days i slip and fall. I want to take everything i've built and burn it down. Because somehow, i'ts not good enough. I'm not good enough.

I feel like i'm inhabiting this in-between world. You wouldn't see me on the street and think "gee that girl has an eating disorder". But i'm not at my target weight, either. I'm in limbo. I need to suck it up. Stop playing with fire and get on with my life. Remind myself every day that for me, weight loss=hospital=sucks=death possibly=sad family. Weight gain=health=normalcy=future with my family.

Or i could just stay where i am. But i'm thinking something needs to change, cause i'm not really happy here.
Maybe this would be a good post to share with my T.

$20 bill

I decided to fight my antisocial tendencies and go to the relief society symposium yesterday and i was glad that i did. I am usually nervous to be around alot of women, but it wasnt that bad. Relief Society is the women's organization in our church. Once a year they have a symposium; it's basically a conference with workshops all day and a lunch. I went with my sister in law and we just went for the morning. i went to a cool cooking class, and then a class about BLOGGING. I learned all kinds of cool things there that i could do with my blog, but now that i am home i cant remember any of it. Guess i should have taken notes.

On a more spititual note, i heard a member of the stake presidency speak there, and he said something that really touched me. He held up a $20 bill and stated that this piece of paper had inherent value. Then he crumpled it up a little and said that even though it was all crumpled up, it still had the same value. He went on to say thet he could step on the bill, or get it dirty, whatever, but that $20 bill would always have the same worth, and thats what we were like. Like that bill, we could go through trials, and be stained with the sins and mistakes of this world, but to our Heavenly Father, we would always have the same value, beacause we were His sons and daughters. That meant alot to me, because i make alot of mistakes, and continue to make them. Sometimes i view myself with such loathing, that its hard to imagine that anyone would find value in the person that i am. But God does. That makes me happy:)

iced perro!

Well its friday and i made it through another week! Yay! I'm feeling kind of discouraged on the ED front- after five days of no behaviors i had 2 days of bingeing and purging followed by 2 more good days, and then this morning i b/p again. I guess i should just be happy for the success that i have had, but i wish i could be more consistant. I want LASTING recovery, where i dont binge or purge anymore at all. Maybe i am just getting ahead of myself. I am glad that there has been some improvement, and even though it hasnt quite been 2 weeks yet since i started my contract, i think its safe to say that i dont have to look for inpatient treatment. This makes me VERY happy.
I'm still workinng on acceoting my body. I know that eventually i will have ti gain weight if i want a shot at long term recovry. I just don't know- if i can't accept my body right now, how will i accept it at a higher weight?
My life is kind of borring right now. I went to my moms cabin yesterday to spend some time with her. She had some friends there, and i kind of felt like a third wheel. Story of my life.
Oh! How could i have forgotten- I have a new passion (besides diet orange sunkist)! It's iced Perro (or Postum)! I can't drink coffee cause i'm LDS, but i used to drink alot before i joined the church. And i LOVED iced coffee drinks! Well, there is this stuff called perro, it's this fake coffee drink thats ok for mormons. I make a really strong cup (cause the ice will water it down) add ice, and hazelnut flavored splenda and some milk. It's so good! My only complaint is that it doesnt have caffiene. But thats ok i guess, i really dont need the caffiene. Well i hhope everyone has beautiful weather like we do here. Love, all :)

ow my buns!

I want to go back to bed, NOW! I just want to curl up and cover my head and go to sleep so i can wake up and start this day over!
What happened to me this morning was painful, humiliating, horrifying yuckyness that i just want to forget about.
Maybe I am overreacting.
Maybe I should ask my BUTT how IT feels.
This morning, i had to haul IT off to the kindly old doctor's office to have it peered at, poked, prodded, shot up, and cut open.
Oh, and i will probably be having surgery on my poor little bum sometime in the near future.
I know, I know, TMI. But, really, this is the tame version this morning's events. Maybe i shouldn't be writing this post cause i'm going to gross everyone out and noone will ever read my blog again. But hey, i'm the one that started my day with a bunch of gauze stuffed between my cheeks, so give me a break. I can only imagine that this is my punishment for the years of (past) laxative abuse. These days, i love and tend my bowels to the tune of 2 powdery helpings of Miralax a day, but they still haven't forgiven me.
*sigh*

:(

purging+ sinus infection= agony!
Why do I do it?
Because ED tells me to.
Why do I listen to him?
?????????????????????????????
Help.

post-Easter post

I hope everyone had a great easter! Mine was pretty decent. The girls were delighted with their
easter baskets in the morning, and in the afternoon we went to dinner at my aunt and uncle's house. i got to see my aunt N who was in town from oregon. We used to be really close, about the time i escaped from the ABBE, and she was the person who basically got me into treatment at Mirasol back in 2000, and coordinated the funding and just did everything she could to support me. Over the years we have grown apart, and when i joined the LDS church i think she was dissappionted and i think she thinks i dissapprove of her because of my membership in the church (she's a lesbian) but i dont. We just never have had a conversation about it. I got close yesterday, though. I asked if her partner was ever going to come visit cause i would like to meet her. I just wanted her to know that whatever my religous beliefs, i accepted her and the people who were important in her life. Maybe i just should have told her that.
I wrote awhile back about my moom having a reccurrance of melanoma in her lymph nodes, which was removed in january. She has been on interferon (which is what they generally use for melanoma instead of chemo) and it makes her pretty sick. Well, last week she had a scan which showed a new cancer growth in her shoulder which grew thhere just since her last scan in dec! And it's not treatable with radiation so she is seeing a surgeon today to see if it is operable.
I'm glad it's not in an organ or anything, but what if the next one is. i mean, the cancer has metasticised, so it could grow anywhere. I'm worried that she wont be here five years from now. I'm just trying to come to terms with this idea.
I made it *five* days without bingeing or purging, but went crazy on the easter candy this morning and broke my winning streak. Oh well. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, just try to pick right up and keep on going. And i'm still proud of myself for the 5 days, especially yesterday, with the big family dinner and all. I actually ate a "normal" amount of food and didn't purge! Go me!
Thanks for the + comments on my last post; i was really nervous after i wrote it. I worry about sharing stuff like that, and i wonder what people will think of me once it's "out". I feel better now. Maybe i will write more about some of my experiences when i get brave enough. Love you all!

"flashback 1998"

today, I'm writing a novel. Seriously, this is going to be a long one. I was taking a walk outside on this beautiful, glorious day and listening to music and my mind started wandering back into some of my baggage, which seems to happen alot when i am outside walking. I have ALOT of baggage (but dont we all) that haunts me, most of which is treatment related. I thought it might be good to get some of it out. I'm not really sure how this particular bit fits in; if it was treatment, or just wearhousing. You can decide.

ABBE Care, 1998
It all started when i was brought to the hospital by my worker at the homeless women's shelter (where i was living) for overdosing on laxatives. As if i didn't overdose on laxatives every other day, but she didnt know that. So anyway, there i was on the psych ward, and my doc is shaking his head cause he doesnt know what to do with me anymore. I had recently struck out at the local EDU after a disastrous 1 day stay, and my eating disorder was out of control. I was also self-harming and severely deppressed. He thinks i am in need of stabalization and treatment, and i agree. After all, i was tired of living in the hell of my eating disorder. So when he says "how 'bout giving ABBE CARE a try... it would be a nice rest....you'll be taken care of....30 days or so" I think this sounds like my best option. After all, the homeless shelter wasn't taking me back. Too much of a liability, they said.
Then my doc tells me that i will have to be involuntaruly committed- "just a formality"- so that the county will pay for my care. I say ok to that too and sit silently through my committment hearing. It takes about 2 minutes.
The ABBE Center for Community Care sits out in the country, about 10 miles out of town on county home road (guess why the road is named that). It looks like any large, one story nursing home, with a giant hub that houses the cafeteria and social hall, and 3 units that branch out like arms. East unit is Geriatrics, where elderly people in need of nursing care go if they cant afford a private nursing home. South unit is RCF, for head injured people, autistic people, and those with down syndrome. West Unit is where i'm heading, the PMI unit ( Persons w/ Mental Illness). Sub-acute, long term care for the mentally ill. Mostly people who are too deppressed to take care of themselves, but not actively suicidal. Alot of schizophrenics. The odd borderline and chronic alcoholic thrown in. And now, an anorexic/bulimic.
The moment I got there, I know I made a mistake. I mean, this place is grim! The dayroom (there are 2 actually, one on mens hall and one on the womens) looks like an old greyhound bus stop, rows of plastic seats bolted to the ground. Plastic, cause they're easy to clean (cause peeing your pants seems to be the "in" thing around here). Bolted, I would find out, so they could not be thrown. One of the dayrooms does however have a rocking chair, and i will spend my mandatory(useless) hour of observation after meals rocking furiously in it, or curled up, fetal, bawling.
In my room I have *four* roomates, and just a few square feet to call my own. A bed, a nightstand, and a locker which I lock with a key that I wear on a string around my neck. I find out the first night there that sleeping will be impossible, as all 4 roomies sleep with their OWN nightlight, and three of them like to listen to their radios as they nod off. All different stations, of course. When i wake up in the morning, the room stinks like pee.
I quickly realize that there will be no therapy here, just daily inane groups designed for the very low functioning individuals i was now surrounded by ( and apparently, seen as). For example, there was "observation group", where we watched a tape recorded episode of the Andy Griffith show, and then answered questions about what we had just seen ( but what KIND of pie did aunt bea take to the fair?) to see if we could follow along. This was a challenge for some people. I am, like, the superstar of this group. There is current events, where we read the newspaper. There is community, where people complain about things. And there is stretch and relaxation in the mornings, where I am reprimanded for circling my arms and touching my toes twice as fast as everyone else. One useful thing about stretch and relaxation is that if you attend this group, you get a cup of coffee. You also get a cup of coffee if you make your bed. On wed, there is social hour, where east, south, and west units come together, and you get 2 cups of coffee. So on wed, there is the chance for 4 cups of coffee, providing you are doing everything you are supposed to do. Wed is my favorite day.
Of course, my ed is alive and well at the abbe. At first, the 1 hour observation after meals is all they do. They dont really know much about ed's. I visit the geriatrics or rcf to purge. i throw out the "health shakes" the dietician sends me. I power walk around the grounds. I go on a pass and come back with laxatives. Eventually, I lose all my priviledges and am restricted to the unit.
I am miserable. Being eating disordered on the outside is bad enough, in here its unbearable. I beg to be able to see a therapist, but I would need a priviledge level to get to town to do that. Dont they understand that I need therapy to get my behavior under control to get a priviledge level to get into town to get therapy?! And the dang Andy Griffith show ain't helping! At least I am moved into a room with only one roomate, who seems harmless enough, except when she wakes me up at night, yelling violently at her hallucinations. Eventually, she stops wearing clothes, so they throw a sheet on her and send her off to the hospital. My new roomate is a pincher and a puncher, but her meds make her move slowly, so you can usually see her coming and get away in time. I do not like having her as a roommate.
I do not like it that fights break out in the medline right next to me, and punches are thrown right past my head. I do not like it that some guy who crapped his pants put them in with my wash while I was doing my laundry. I do not like using the resident phone; it stinks so bad that I have to hold it away from my head when I call my family. Then I dont have to worry about this anymore, cause my phone priviledges are taken away.

the last straw comes about 45 days into my stay, when my "team" meets to come up with my treatment plan. By now I have noticed that the "30 days" that my doc mentioned have come and gone. It feels like I have been here an eternity. Still, I am hopeful that they will decide to let me see a therapist. I now have new issues as a ressult of being in this place!
They dont let me see a therapist. They take away ALL of my remaining priviledges and inform me that they have come up with a whole new levels system, just for me. It's a red light, yellow light, green light system. I am starting on red. In I have to be on green for the priviledge of seeing a therapist. To get to green, i have to get my eating disorder behaviors under control, and also gain weight.
This is bullsh*t!
Oh yeah, and i will be there indefinitaly. They will re-evaluate my case in six months. SIX MONTHS!
I leave that night. It's so easy, once I decide to do it. The facility is not locked. I call my friend that I met in the psych ward and ask her to come get me. She asks me if I got a pass and I say "no, I'm leaving! I'll be in the bushes to right of the driveway!" I am excited as I stuff whatever I can from my locker into my pockets. I dont even notice my roomie until she is right ther with her fist in my face, but I push her away just in time. Out in the dark in the bushes its cold; I'm wondering where my friend is and thinking about the Consequences and starting to lose my nerve when there she is!!!and I hop into her car and speed off into the night free.
And have a nervous breakdown the next morning because I realize I have nowhere to live and I have to get a job and there is noone to tell me what to do or where to be. Funny, how quickly we can be institutionalized. Well, I got over it pretty quick.

I hope this wasn't too much, or too borring. I just had to get some of it out. Unfortunately, I have been in these types of situations several times. Today, I still struggle, but not nearly to the extent that I used to. Nothing like what i have just written about has happened to me for years. And I do all the normal things, too. I go grocery shopping. I pay bills. I take care of not only myself, but 2 children as well.
I am a big believer of treating people in the least restrictive setting possible. What happened to me at ABBE Care was neither logical nor theraputic. One day I will go back to school and have considered becoming a mental health advocate. I don't know if i could make a difference, but if I could even help one person through my experience, it would be worth it.

close encounter of the scale kind

yay- day three no purge! I'm on a roll!

So, i have this NASTY sinus infection, and i finally decided to go to the doctor to get some antibiotics. So i was having major anxiety all morning, cause what happens at the doctors office? YOU GET WEIGHED! And i promised myself not to weigh until monday. Plus, i am doing so well, i do not want to be triggered by whatever my weight might be. Now, i know lots of people get on the scale backwards, but i could never do that. It's just too humiliating for me- makes me feel weird in front of other people passing by. I did consider just flat out (politely) refusing to be weighed. After all, i was just there, like, last month. How much could have changed? Why do they need to know my weight, anyways? I considered thhis and wondered if maybe they need the number so they know what dose they need to give me if they prescribe medications. Then i thought "oh please, i'm not five years old".
So, i was all set to stand my ground (and not stand on the scale) until i got there, and then my nerve began to fail. I am not a very assertive person. While i was waiting for the MA, i decided to just get on the scale and keep my eyes closed and not look at the number. So that is what i did. It was hard, because i REALLY wanted to know, but i felt such a sense of relief and freedom when it was over that it was worth it.
So then, i was sitting in the exam room, and the doctor walks in with my chart, and, after exchanging a few pleasantries, he says "so, your weight has stabalized since december! First _, then _, now it's _!".
BWAAAAAAAHHHHH! NNNOOOOOOOOOO!
I so did not want to know this information! Whyohwhy didn't i tell him the minute he walked in not to mention my weight?
And- it's worse cause its up since i was last there. Just a little, just slightly, but it's up.
Of course, i cant be sure of what i wore last time i was there....
And my appointment today was later in the day.....
......after a 32 oz mug of diet orange....
.....do you think it could have made a difference?

SEE- ITS MESSING WITH ME! This is why i only weigh myself on the same scale! In the morning. Nude. Sorry if thats too graphic for you, but there it is. That way, i know EXACTLY what has or hasnt changed.

I hope someday to have a life where something like getting on the scale at the doctors office is just a neccessary routine, not a life-changing event.

finally- some success!

Good news! After 2 days of following my contract yet still engaging in behaviors *ahempurgingahem*, I had a purge-free day yesterday! An so far today has been good, too. And i have to give myself extra creit because there has been so much Easter cany around, and i do pick at it here and there, but i havent binged on it or anything. Oh- an i did add crunchy veggies and lowfat dip to my mp if i wanted them in place of apples, cause i was craving some to go with my soda and i didnt want to wait till sunday to change it on the contract and its MY contract anyway! Thats not cheating, is it? Because it's a healthy addition, not an unhealthy one.

Here's something i struggle with, though. I'm trying to get rid of the bulimia with my whole heart but there is a part of me that doesnt want to let go of the anorexia. And (deep breath) this is REALLY embarrassing to admit, but a big part of me really wants to stop purging because then it will be easier for me to restrict and lose weight. THERE. I said it out loud. So, how do I change this? I guess i need to figure out what the anorexia is doing for me; what need it is fulfilling that isn't being fulfilled in a health way. Cause it must serve some sort of purpose, otherwise i wouldnt still be "doing" it.

I think that changing therapists is a really healthy move for me. I don't have my first appointment with Hope until next week, but when i do see her, i think i am going to be really honest and just tell her about the feelings i just wrote about , because that is what i really need to work on. For years i have been "trying" recovery while still maintaining parts of my eating disorder that served me. I need to figure out why and truly give it all up so i can have a lastiing, meaningful recovery and a real life.

tagged!

ok, so i was tagged by my friend Kara to disclose my age (this is hard because i'm sooo old) and list a corresponding number of things that i want to do this year. First of all, may I say that i feel very special to be tagged. But now I am wondering what to put and feeling a little overwehlmed. So, bear in mind that this is a list of things i would like to do, in a perfect world. They might not all get done this year. And, I will try to not make it all ED related, but some of it might be, because i have alot of goals in that area. So, here goes....oh, yeah I'm 30, so her'es 30 things...


1. Move to Ames. Easy, this is already a done deal.

2. Get a cat.

3. Make at least one good friend in Ames.

4. Be able to run 3 miles without walking.

5. Learn to make caramels. I can make really good toffee!

6. Get an eyebrow lift (like i will ever have the money for this, plus i know it is shallow).

7. Pick up a new hobby, preferably something artsy or crafty.

8. Keep a collage journal.

9. Learn to accept my body at a healthy weight :)

10. Stop purging !

11. Reach VIP status on my Victoria's Secret Angel's Card. I'm only like $20 away....

12. Tell my dad how it makes me feel when he goes on and on and on about religion :(

13. Try the indian resteraunt in Ames.

14. Get back in touch with my friend Ruthann.

15. Read the Twilight books.

16. Stop biting my fingernails. Yeah- like that will ever happen....

17. Have more patience.

18. Go in regular dates with my husband, like twice a month.

19. Find a good therapist in Ames.

20. Get down to 2 meds, if I can. I think that is a reasonable goal!

21. Start taking vitamins.

22. Learn to post pictures on my blog!

23. Stop being afraid of Zlatko (Emma's dad).

24. Budget and put aside $20 a week, starting now!

25. Finish reading the "Little House" books to Emma.

26. Learn to appreciate the moment.

27. Serve others, more than i currently do.

29. Do LOTS of camping this summer!

30. Be there for my mom, in whatever capacity she needs me to be there, as she deals with her cancer.


There, i did it! That took alot of thinking, but i think it is a manageable list. I dont have alot of readers, so i think i will just tag Keely. Did i do that right? Is that how you tag someone? Well, Keely, consider yourself tagged! I would tag my friend Sylvia, but she doesnt have a blog (but she SHOULD). But i guess anyone else reading this could do a list if they wanted :).....

try, try again...

Well, i'm sorry to say that i have been doing REALLY bad with the bulimia lately, like, REALLY bad. My wieght is stable but i'm worried about my health due to the near constant purging. It is also taking a toll on me emotionally. Something has to change, like, now!
Last night, I came up with a plan, kind of like a contract-thingy. In it, i stated that i would go back on supplements, since that has been something that has been effective to stop the purging in the past (this will be temporary- i am reviewing the "contract" every week). I also contracted to not buy food for the purposes of bingeing and purging. Another thing i am going to do is only weigh myself once a week. And the last thing is, i committed to have live contact with a friend each day, even if it is just a phone call (internet doesn't count). This is to keep me from isolating and build my support network. The internet is great,, but i think i am getting addicted to it a little bit and need to find a balance.
To keep myself accountable, and to give my contract some teeth, i wrote that if i did not see signifigant, measurable improvement in 2 weeks i would immediately seek a "higher level of care". Chris asked me what i meant by this, and i told him i left it purposely vague, because i don't even want to think about going into inpatient treatment again. But i need to light some kind of a fire under my bum and take this thing seriously cause , i mean, i could, like, die. I feel like every time i purge i'm playing russian roulette with my life.
Anyway, my husband and i both sighned the contract last night. I will review it next week and maybe add some things. I know there are more things i need to change that would help me recover, but i'm not ready to face them yet. I also got a priesthood blessing last night.
So far today i am off to a shaky start. I binged and purged this morning but am determined to pull myself together and make it the rest of the day. If i can, it will still be the best day i have had in ahwile. And, i'm not expecting perfection just yet. Improvement is what i'm looking for. Steady improvement. If anyone is reading this, please pray for me (if you pray) and i will do the same for you, because we all need all the help we can get!