well my husband's car is in the sho, and the car that he is borrowing from his parents wouldn't start this morning, so he has my car and i am carless. Boo that! I was going to go to Cedar Rapids to see my mom today, but since i dont have a car she decided to come down here and i am really excited to see her. She is going to have surgery on her new cancer mass this monday and i am kind of worried about it. i havent written about it too much because emotionally i am pretty shut down about the whole thing. I mean, i can say that i am worried about her, but i have a feeling that that is just the tip of the iceberg; that there are feelings in there that i am not feeling or facing or acknowledging. I don't know....
One thing thing that i feel bad about is, her hemoglobin is low, and she is going into surgery and everything, and i would like to be able to donate some blood for her but i am not up to it physically. I feel really bad about that. Of course, i dont even know if we are the same blood type, and then there is the question of all the meds i am on. Like, would they even be able to use my blood. Still, i would like to think that i would be able to donate blood or a kidney or something like that to a relative if it were needed. More incentive to get better, I guess.
In lieu of my blood, i did put my expansive nutritional knowledge to work this morning and walked down to the store and bought some iron rich foods- mollasses, dried apricots, pistachios- i have a recipie for a granola that gives you 26% of your rda for iron in one serving and i think i will make some for my mom so she can snack on; regular meals are hard for her because of her cancer treatments.
On the recovery front- i had a sesh with Hope yesterday and we taalked about how alot of my fears and anxieties are keeping me stuck in my ED. I have seen a couple of studies that said that a large percentage (i cant remember the exact number) of anorexics were diagnosed with an anxiety disorder 2 years prior to onset of the ed. Well, I first started therapy at 11 for anxiety and panic attacks, and didnt develop the ed until i was 13. so i guess that fits. My problem is, my anxiety gets so extreme that its hard to control it using the "skills" i've learned in therapy. they just aren't enough. And i can't take any benzodiazepines, i abuse them and get into trouble every time, which is too bad, cause they help the anxiety so much. i guess for me, the task lies in managing my day and not planning too many activities. But i also cant have too much down time either, because that makes me anxious, too. Oh how i would love to just BE!
I'm back on supplements and some fruits and veggies, and didn't purge or binge at all yesterday :) . Of course, i know this is not a long term plan, so i have gotten a referral from my doc to see a REAL LIVE dietician, and they will probably call to schedule the appointment sometime next week. I am nervous but ready for this step. Of course, the sick part of me is wondering how much weight i can lose before i get in to see her, so she will think that i am really sick and worthy of her help. Bah! Nonsense!
well, i should go clean some things before my mom gets here. Hope everyone has a nice day!
Judgement and Regrets
1 month ago