two steps forward, one step back...

...is still progress! I did so good sat and sun, no purging, eating all "normal meals" with my family, and trying not to obsess. Then this morning I purged. Hmmph. But I am not counting today as a failure; I am going to pick myself right back up and succeed for the rest of the day!

I have gotten to the point where looking in the mirror isn't quite the sucker punch to the gut like it used to be. I do not like what I see for sure, but I am making peace with it. I just keep reminding myself of all the tradeoffs and positive things that are coming out with me being more healthy. And I also have this inner sense of peace. I think it is because I am finally doing what I am supposed to be doing, and living in line with my values.

I had a little drama on FB the last few days that is kind of sad/amusing that I think I will share. I was friended by this girl who I will call M. I don't know her but we have mutual friends (all from treatment so I figured she had an ed) so I friended her back. She was on fb several times a day. Sometimes she would post recovery sayings or goal, but alot of what she posted was things like " I cant believe my parents made me eat that, thank g*d i bought those laxies" and " i'm going to starve until I get a tube" and crap like that. Of course she is a teen, but even so, I thought it was kind of hyprocritical for her to talk about how much she wanted recovery one minute and then say things like that. And the thing was, nobody was calling her on it!
So the other day she was bemoaning the fact that someone had defriended her( I know the girl that defriended her; it is someone who is really strong in her recovery) and I finally had to tell her what I saw. I posted a comment that basically suggested that while some people were struggling to get better, she seemed invested in staying sick, and maybe that was why that person had to cut her off. I tried to tell her that an ed is no way to live, and that in order to get better you have to do the work . I didn't think I waas too hard on her.
So in her next post she was taling about how she had been slipping and was reinvesting herself in recovery. rah rah recovery! But then the next post she was talking about having an "ana photo contest" with someone! Whatever the crap that is!
So anyway that was yesterday, and today she defriended me. I dont know why, but i feel kind of bad about the whole thing. I try to only support people in recovery. I never want to hurt anybody. I was trying to support her, not her illness. But maybe I was too hard on her. Maybe I should have kept my opinions to myself.
There have been times when peopple called me on things and being the sensitive person i am i was a little hurt. But later I realized those were the people who really cared about me. And I guess I have struggled too long and too hard and am just at the point where I want to be true to myself and when I see BS I have to call it out. Am I a bad person?
And I think if someone is struggling they should definitaly be able to share that. Everyone deserves support when they are in a cycle of negative behaviors. But there is a difference between that and puposefully pursuing illness and flaunting it. I guess thats just what I think.
Anyone who reads this please tell me what you think about the whole situation, if you want.
Maybe I shouldn't FB so much, or be more careful who I expose myself (expose myself, haha) to on FB. I don't want it to be an unsafe place for me. Lately it has felt like middle school! Sheesh!

new shades, old scale

I am ALWAYS losing my sunglasses! Especially at my mother-in-law's house! That place is like a black hole for sunglasses. And I cant be without a pair of shades- due to my meds I am very sensitive to the sunlight and am practically blind without them. So, in the intrest of occular health, I stocked up at Claire's (they were 2 for $12, what a deal). Shown above are my "classy" pair.
And these are my "casual" pair. So with these 2 new pairs, and the ones I left at my mom-in-laws yesterday, I shoould hopefully never find myself without again.
The next picture is my old scale. Instead of pitching it, I decided to have some fun and do somethiing artsy and craftsy. I cut out little pictures of things that made me happy and modge podged them onto the front.



Then i painted over the numbers and put some little inspirational sayings over them. I also added some rhinestones.

Unfortunately I have been keeping the scale in my trunk cause i don't have any place for it, and it has gotten kind of beaten up. There used to be flowers and leaves glued to the four corners but they have mostly fallen off.

It still makes me smile when i look at it. I'm not sure what to do with it, though. I don't really have a good place to keep it. Any ideas?

Oh yes, and I am kicking ED ass today! Woot!

fail

I just purged. I feel like a failure.

Will i ever recover?

I don't know.

Right now it feels like "no".

A rocky (but good) start

ok, so, I promise that my blog isn't going to turn into a food journal :) ! This is just kind of what I am struggling with and need to process right now. So, here is how day 1 of my new structured plan is going so far.
This morning was good. I got out of bed pretty much on time per the schedule and had a boost shake. This was ok since I'm not usually hungry in the morning. Then I ran some errands and visited with my neighbor and then came home and this is where i strayed a bit from the meal plan. I was cutting up some watermelon for Annie's lunch and I had some and it tasted so good. And then I had 2 slices of the lunchmeat I was feeding her. By now i figured out that what I wanted for lunch was "real food" and not a bar; that's why I was nibbling so much. So I made an executive decision to have a salad and some watermelon instead of the bar. This is what sounded good to me. I worried that if I had the bar, i would not have been satisfied and eaten the other food anyway. Then I would have felt like I was bingeing and would have purged. So I skipped the bar in favor of "real food".
Overall, i think it was a good choice, but now I am experiencing another trigger that my dietician and I have identified. After a really large salad and a bowl of watermelon I am feeling pretty full and bloated. One reason the bars are helpful is because they don't make me feel very full, so there is not that anxiety. So anyway, I am feeling really full right now, but instead of purging I am processing the feelings on my blog. Go me! Big step! I just keep reminding myself that the reason I am so full is because the foods I ate have alot of fiber and water in them. THe feelings will go away if I can just wait it out.
I have to say that I wish I had just had the bar. Tonight is "girls night" with my sisters-in-law and we are going out to eat. So if I am already feeling full, I might be in trouble. But we are not going out until 7:30, hopfully I will have time to digest before then. I wish we didn't always go out to eat for girls night! There has to be something else fun to do in this town! No, wait, there isn't....:) .

Another thing I am really struggling with is that I really, really want to lose weight. That's how I always respond to a weight gain. Come to think of it, I am always on a mission to lose weight, even without a gain. I don't know how to "be" if I am not dieting and restricting. There is a weird restles/anxiety feeling that I don't know how to deal with, except to lose weight, because that would make things "normal" again. Does that make any sense?
I am still committed, though. I don't know how long this will last. In fact, i have a feeling deep down that this is just a "vacation" from the AN and sooner or later I will return to it. Whether or not that is true, I know i can be healthy today. I have decided not to worry too much about what might/might not happen in the future. Just for today I will be healthy and feed myself "right". I keep telling myself I can do it for one more day. Hopefully, the days will add up to weeks and months and some day i will be "recovered".

getting back on track

Ok there is going to be alot of food-related content in this post- I just wanted to warn anyone who might be triggered by it.

So I saw my D today and we talked about how I had gained some weight and at first I felt really positive about it, but now i have gained more and am not feeling so great. And i am dealing with that anxiety by bingeing and purging alot. I really need to get back on track and turn this (the gain) back into a positive and not fall back into restricting or more bingeing and purging. So we made some new plans/goals.
1. New meal plan- bars or shakes for for breakfast and lunch, balanced meal with my family for dinner. The bars and shakes are so I can get maximum structure for the meals I am "on my own" with, and get the nutrition i need without feeling triggrerd to purge. I was tempted to go to bars/shakes completely, but my D thinks it's important for me to keep having meals with my family, and deep down i think she is right.
2. I will drink low sodium v8 if I do purge, for the potassium. My D wants to be sure i don't have a drop in potassium, especially in the hot weather.
3. i am going to weigh in with my D instead of at the Y. I'm not always at the Y at the same time of the day, so it's hard to get accurate weights. I see my D in the morning, so i can get a good weight and process it with her if i am having a hard time.
I also saw my T today and we talked about some behavioral things i can do to get back on track. Mornings are my worst time; i am generally filled with anxiety. i think I binge and purge at this time as a way to kind of put off starting the day, because i don't know what to do with myself. I have always been this way. Before I had kids I typically stayed in my pajamas and watched mindless tv until the early afternoon.
We decided I should make myself a schedule for the mornings so i can have some structure. I will get up by 8:00, have breakfast, shower by 8:30, be dressed and have makeup on by 9. Hopefully the structure will help me feel less "'lost". Atfer all, that is one thing I like about being inpatient- having a set schedule and being able to anticipate when things are going to happen. It makes me feel "safe".
Oh, and i forgot to mention that I will renew my effort to drink more water and less soda. I think this is reallly important because it is sooo hot here and i dehydrate easily. And I will save money too!
Well, this is the plan, starting tomorrow. Wish me luck. I really just want to keep moving forward, and not backward. I hope these changes can help me do that.

the Downs

I think that Kara had it right with her comment on my blog the other day: recovery has it's ups and downs. So guess which part I am going through right now? Here's a hint: it's not the "ups". Yep.
I was ok with the weight gain, at first. But now I have gained even more weight and I am NOT HAPPY about it. I don't know what the deal is; i'm not overeating or anything. I'm just eating "normally". Why the continued gain? Will it stop? I don't think I can stand it. I'm trying to focus on the positive, but it's just so hard. I was running on the treadmill the other day and was nearly traumatized by the feeling of my but jiggling and bouncing every time my foot hit the belt. This is a new development. I tried to feel good about the fact that my stamina has increased and I was able to run 2 miles (big deal for me) but the butt-jiggliing was definitly disturbing. Fortunatly i was able to proccess with Debbie (nice health promotions lady at the Y who knows about my ED) and she reassured me that I am not even close to being overweight.
I just can't tolerate the feeling of being "bigger". It's with me all the time. My clothes fit differently and some of them don't fit at all. I look in the mirror and it's like looking at a stranger. i don't feel comfortable in my skin.
I'm scared to lose weight, though. I'm scared I will never get better. That once I start losing, I will just be back where I started. To be sure, i don't consider myself "recovered" at the moment. I still have to get the purging under control. But I think I am better off then I was a few months ago.
Why does recovety have to be so uncomfortable? How can I be healthy and still like myself? Will it ever happen, or will I be unhappy with myself for the rest of my life?
I read on someone's blog the other day that with weight gain, the only way out is through. So true! Right now I am wondering if I have the strength to make it through. I seriously think i might chicken out.

pinkeye rocks!

When I woke up this morning my left eye was crusted shut. EEEWWW! Yesterday it was all red and itchy. So, instead of going to my friend Amanda's house for a playdate, I dropped Annie off there and headed for the doctors office. Diagnosis: pinkeye! Whaaaat? I thought only kids are supposed to get pinkeye! Apparently not.

So here I am at home giving myself eyedrops and bored to tears. It is so hot and humid; too hot to go outside. What to do.......

I downloaded some music from itunes and before i knew it Annie and I were dancing around the living room. She even went and put on one of her "ballgowns"- fancy lady!

These are pictures of Annie dancing to "Out on the Street" by Bruce Springsteen. It's the song that Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle were playing the drums to in "Reign Over Me", if you know that movie. It seriously rocks!

I love Annie so much; she is so sweet and cute and good. I feel so blessed to be able to stay home with her and not miss out on this precious time in her life. Sometimes i wish she could stay little forever.
Well, on to the rest of my day. I'm sure it will consist of total social isolation, since i am contagious. Come to think about it, that wouldn't make it much different than any other day :) !

Thought for the day: Always make time for random fun!

progression and regression

I had a good look in the mirror today (naked, eww) and unfortunately my body image has taken a turn for the worse. But it's not really a concern over "would I look good in a bikini?" or anything like that. It's more of an emotional thing. Ok, I'll explain....
You know the whole theory about anorexia that says that the anorexic starves herself to avoid having a "grown up body", and the goal is to regress to a childhood form? Or something like that; I'm sure I didn't state it correctly but you get the idea. Well, for me it's the opposite.
As a child, I always had a soft, curvy, kind of chubby body. Thighs that were wide at the top, a stomach that stuck out, breasts before I hit middle school. I was awkward and insecure about my body, myself, and I was dealing with some pretty bad anxiety and deppression and also crap going on at home. When i developed anorexia in my teens, and then when it got worse as a young adult, I felt I was starving all those negative feelings away, growing up, becoming more sure of myself and adult and in control. Becoming my own person. When my anorexia gets bad, although I don't look it on the outside, on the inside I feel very powerful and "grown up", and when I look in the mirror that's what I see. Those are the feelings i associate with a sickly and underweight body.
So, as i begin to put on weight, my mental self-image actually regresses. Today when i looked in the mirror and saw the round tummy, the thick waist, the thighs that touch, even though it was a more shapely, womanly body, what I saw was a child. Myself at 12. Scared alone, consumed by fears and insecurities. A helpless, hopeless child. And all those feelings that i am terrified of came flooding back.
I want to run from it. I want to starve it away. I want to restrict until I become lean and hard and strong again. Until I am sure of who I am; until the scared little girl is gone.
I'm not going to, though. I can't make any promises about tommorrow, or next week, because i'm not sure how long i can tolerate this, but just for today, I will be brave. I don't want to be sick for the rest of my life, so I have to find a way to live with this body. If I keep starving it away when the feelings get too uncomfortable, I will never get well. I have to face this.

On a side note, my last post was post #100 on my blog. I just have to say that having this blog has helped me through so many rough times (today included) and i am so greatful for my blogger friends and for the courageous and wonderful people I have met, who support me, and who share their lives with complete strangers. I actually think that I have had more breakthroughs while blogging and reading blogs then i have had in therapy in a long time. So, thank you!

positive gains

Ok, so i went to the Y today to work out and I decided to weigh myself since i hadn't in awhile. I was suprised to find that i had gained signifigant weight. Suprised, because I hadn't expected it, and usually I know before I get on the scale if i have gained cause i feel "fat". But not this time. Actually, my body image is pretty good right now. It totally doesn't mesh with the number on the scale.
What does this all mean? i have found myself in strange new territory. In order to make sense of it all, i will examine the facts.
1. I have gained weight and am several pounds above my range of what i consider "acceptable".
2. I do not feel fat. I do, in fact, feel quite fit.
3. I have been able to eat regular meals with my family for the past several weeks.
4. I have been allowing myself "treats" without purging.
5. I can work out without feeling overly fatigued and weak.
6. I am not having to use boost (unless i want it for breakfast).
7. I don't fell constantly hungry.
8. I am starting to see muscle definition in my body.
9. I have had a decrease in urges to binge.

I admit, the number on the scale is bothering me right now. but seen in light of the aforementioned facts, it seems like a small concern. This is progress. This is definately progress. Is it recovery? I'm not sure, but I do know one thing. I'm not going to sabatoge it with any knee-jerk reactions (ie restricting and weight loss). For once, i feel like i am moving in the right direction.

fact #1o: I am filled with hope.

doomsday

Lately, when i think about my recovery, i'm not thinking of whether or not I am at a healthy weight or how many times a day I purge or stuff like that. I'm thinking more in terms of how "prepared" I am. Like, for a catastrophie, or the end of the world or something. Could i withstand an extreme physical and emotional test, am i in a good position to live through whatever happens in the future of this crazy world? Not only that, but would I be strong enough to help my children survive?
Example: Say there is some catastrophic event in our city and we have to evacuate and for whatever reason, we have to do it on foot. How far could i walk? I know that if I were at a lower weight (like i sometimes want to be) I would be in a weakened state and probably couldn't walk very far, let alone carry my children when they got tired. I think that in the condition I am in at the moment I would do ok, but probably couldn't carry a child far. To have the best possible chance, I should probably allow myself a small weight gain and work out with the focus on building muscle.
Also, with the whole swine flu pandemic going on, I have wondered if my ed puts me in a higher risk category. My D said that she would group me in with the elderly and infants, you know, those who most likely to die from a flu. I would hate to die from a flu just because I wasn't taking good enough care of myself to be able to survive it. It would be so needless.
And what if there was some kind of a food shortage and food was rationed? I would live a lot longer and have more strength if I had a little more "padding" to begin with. I mean, it would be bad going into a situation like that if you were already underweight.
Ok, so lately i have seen 2 holocoust movies, and also Terminator. But I watch the news, too, and things are getting kind of bad. Not just the economy, but all the unrest in Iran, not to mention North Korea getting all nuclear and stuff. I'm not trying to be weird and paranoid or anything, I have just been thinking am I ready if things "get bad"? Am I placing myself in a position to be able to survive? Cause I bet in a survival situation I am not going to give a crap what size I wear, and I wont care if muscles look "bulky", I will just be glad I have them.
I know this is kind of a strange post. Most of the thoughts are stemming from "mommy fears". My children depend on me (and chris) for care and protection. I want to always be able to provide that. I want to be strong and capable in times of need. i think about what other parents in different parts of the world have had to do to survive and I think "could i do that?". We are so soft here in America. For the most part, there is no struggle to live, and we are free to think and care about non-essenttial things, like having a flat stomache. We think of our legs in terms of how they would look in a miniskirt rather than if they could outrun an attacker. What would happen if our reality suddenly, dramaticaly shifted? Has our lifestyle prepared us for the rigors of a survival situation?

I need to switch to romantic comedies, I think.

Jujy Fruits...

...are the devil! I ate an entire theatre-sized box of them today. I think my pancreas just shut down.








(just kidding about the pancreas)

no cat for me :(

i am sooo bummed! As I have mentioned before we are moving in August , and we specifically got a place where we could have a cat (or two). We have been very excited, especially the girls. And I looove cats! I have always lived with at least one growing up, and just assumed we would have one as soon as we had the right place. I love being around them, love their quirks and personalities, loved the way they cuddle up to you and comfort you when you are down.

Anyways, back to the suckage. We were at my mom's house last week and Annie was playing with her cat and I noticed that her nose was starting to run and she was getting a little blotchy redness on her face. It wasn't severe or anything, but it made me suspect that she might be allergic. So today I took her to the "cat room" at the local humane society to see if she would have a reaction (aren't I a great mom? this just sounds so terrible. But if I thought she would have a severe reaction i would not have taken her.). For the first 20 minutes of playing with the cats annie was totally fine, and i thought we were in the clear. Then her nose startedd to really run, and red blotches appeared on her face. So of course we left, and all the way home Annie was rubbing her eyes, and her face was all red.
So i can't deny the sad reality: my kid is allergic to cats. I did make a call to her doc the see if i could get a referral to an allergist just to be sure, but i am like 99.9% sure. I am so dissappointed. And now I have to break the news to the girls. Emma will be crushed! The cat was the main selling point to get her excited about moving away! Well, maybe we can get a smaller pet or something.
And now I am worried, because the apartment we are moving into has 2 cats living in it currently. I know the carpet will be cleaned and everything, but what if there is enough dander left behind that Annie has a reaction and we cant live there? But I don't know what to do, because we already payed a non-refundable deposit, plus Ames is a college town, and all the apartments are taken by now (we had to get our back in feb.)! Argh, stress! But that is another reason I wanted to take Annie to an allergist, to find out how bad her allergy is and if we can expect to be able to live in an apartment that formerly had cats.
In other news, my husband had a wonderful birthday and loved all his presents! We went to see "terminator salvation", which was ok but not as good as the other terminator movies (T2 is my favvorite; Linda Hamilton is such a badass in that movie! And I would love to have her ripped arms!). The BBQ wnt great but unfortunately I am not doing well with food at this time. I am going to try to do better, though! Today is a new day!

the past is history

today is my husband's birthday so i will just write a short post, as I am busy making pies and salads and things for his birthday bbq tomorrow, and whatever leftover attention i have i must devote to him :) !

Yesterday we went down to CR for my sister's birthday. I grew up in CR, in the same house that my mom still lives in, and sometimes it is hard for me to go back there. I have alot of bad memories and things from the past that get stirred up when i go home. It can be very difficult and painful. I spent the entire drive back ruminating on my past screw-ups, assorted bad decisions, and other stupid things i have done in my life. This just made me depressed and heartsick, and by the time I got home I was fully mired in the belief that i am a bad person, would always be bad, and nothing i could do now or ever would change that. Fortunately then it was medication and bedtime, so i didn't have to think about it anymore.
i would like to say that a new day has brought fresh perspective, but this is not the case. I still feel like a big pile o' crap. And, of course, I try to "fix"those feelings by eating disorder behavior. Which works for about 5 minutes, then ends up making me feel worse.

Arrgh! Sorry, I'm not trying to be so negative. And I do have hope that someday, things will be different. Every day, I'm doing my best to be a good, no GREAT mother and wife and daughter and sister ect. So someday on the hopefullly near future, i will look back and see only good, and be defined by it. That is my hope, anyway.

Have a great day, everyone :) !

ED Head!

I am really struggling with the eating disorder thoughts. I want to lose weight now! Immedietly! I cant stand my body; I disgust myself! Grrrr!
I have therapy in a few minutes. I suppose I should explore this line of thinking with my T and try to figure out what is going on. One theory I have is that I am obsessing about food/weight/body as a coping mechanism to distract myself from worrying about Emma. Also, i have other stress: big birthday party for Chris, upcoming move, money stuff(always). It seems like when I am losing weight, nomatter what is going wrong in my life, it doesn't matter because at least I am doing "good" with my weight. By "good" I mean bad of course, you know, unhealthy.
I feel like in alot of ways I have never really grown up. I am still stuck using the same behaviors and thinking the same thoughts i did when I was 13. I want to feel mature, strong, powerful, effective, responsible, and capable. Instead I feel scared, unsure, incapable, and helpless. I run from these feelings into the false safety of the eating disorder. But i know the ED is just an illusion of control and autonomy. In the end, it will keep me dependent and weak. So why do I keep going there?

a bowl of cherries

1. I'm greatful for phones/technology that let me talk to Emma when she is so far away.

2.I'm greatful for preschol storry time at the public library.

3.I'm greatful that my car is running.

4.I'm greatful for my mother-in-law who does my laundry and watches my kids so I can go to appointments.

5.I'm greatful for my husband who works so hard so we can have a better life.

6.I'm greatful for the surgeon who got all of my mom's tumor out.

7.I'm greatful for my facebook and blogger friends who support me every day.

8.I'm greatful to get delicous produce even when it is out of season (though i know this is environmentally irresponsible).

9.I'm greatful for Target Superstores

10.I'm greatful for naptime.

11.I'm greatful for the progress I have made in recovery. Even though I'm not "better", I'm alot better than I was!

12.I'm greatful for sunny days.

13.I'm greatful for good movies.

14.I'm greatful for my Crock-pot.

15.I'm greatful for diet soda.

16.I'm greatful for modern medicine, antideppressants in particular.

17.I'm greatful for religious freedom.

18.I'm greatful to see, hear, smell, walk, and be otherwise free of serious physical handips.

My life is good. I need to remember that.

ECT

People react to stress, pain in all kinds of ways. Some people call on friends and family for support. Some lean on their faith. Some self- destruct. I seek oblivion.

I just went on a walk, durring which I had a long conversation with myself about whether or not i would call my psychdoc tomorrow and request some ECT treatments. Not that I am any more deppressed then normal. I am just in pain. I hate my body. I'm afraid to get up in the morning and face the day. I miss Emma so much it takes my breath away. Everything hurts right now. The ECT wuold take it all away; the pain the fear, the self-hatred, the ache, all wiped away in one electric moment.
I want to feel the sting of the iv as it goes in, the burn of the injection, the chemical whiff of the medication as it puts me to sleep. I want to wake up with no idea where i am. Someone can drive me home, and I can sit on the couch all day and think of nothing. It's so tempting.

I'm not going to call.

A borring post

Remember my "21 day challenge"? You know, how i wasn't going to binge or purge for 21 days? Well, I only made it 12 days. But I am going to take the advice that my friend Kara so wisely gave me when i started the challenge and i'm not going to beat myself up for not making it. I'm dissappionted, but i would still consider the experience a success. I mean, 12 days is a long time for me! That's almost 2 weeks! And. I think it's even more of a success because I wasn't restricting or sticking just to safe foods; I was challenging myself to eat regular meals and "fear foods" and still not purging. So, all in all I think I did a pretty good job. Now my task is to not let this setback become permanent; to pick myself up and start again.
Last night my heart was beating really irregularly and it really scared me. It reminded me that I have been doing this for way too long, and I cant' afford even one day of bingeing and purging. I tend to think that since i am at a healthy weight i don't have to worry about medical consequences of my behavior. Last night my heart was telling me otherwise. I so don't want to throw my life away over this!

I did get to talk to Emma yesterday. She made it to Bosnia safely and i was so relieved to hear her voice. I am thinking about her alot today and wondering how in the world I am going to make it through the next month!

Today is Annie's b-day. We had the big party last week so Emma wouldn't miss it; I think today we will just go have dinner at McDonalds and let her play on the playground there ot something.

I am having MAJOR body image issues. Due to not purging and challenging myself i have gained a little weight the last few weeks and am really struggling with it. It's really hard for me to "trust my body" because I feel like it always betrays me! I would love to be able to eat like a regular person, like my D and T say i can, but when I do, i just gain a bunch of weight! GRrr!

Well, not much else is going on here. Pretty borring stuff. Sorry i complained so much on this post. Sometimes it seems like recovery is so hard and i just need to vent.

the curry cure

My Emma is in a airplane somewhere, probably still over the united states aat this point. The fact that she is gone fills me with fear, sadness, ect. My mommy instincts are telling me to hurry up and get on a plane and go after her, but of course I can't do that. This trip was planned, I let her go. It's a strange, helpless sort of feeling.

So I must distract. I have decided to cook up a big Indian feast for the missionnaries, who come to dinner on the first saturday of the month. Chris and

I looove Indian food; we had our favorite places in Salt Lake, but there are just no Indian restraunts here. So, I have a few cookbooks, and am trying to learn to cook it myself. But it has been several months since I have tryed any of the recipies, because my eating disorder was telling me i couldn't eat Indian food. Well, I have been doing much better this last little while and have been taking more risks and challenges, and am ready to dive back in.

So, this afternoon, I put on my favorite Bowie cd, made some green chutney, and mixed up some dough for naan bread, which is currently rising. I am insanely excited about this, as i love naan bread but have never attempted to make it. Later, I will make samosas and Balti chicken.

I love cooking Indian food because it is more like art then cooking; more of a hobby then a household task. There is such a focus on the blending of spices and flavors, there are so many different steps and techinques that are layered and blended in, and when you are eating the finished product you can taste all of that, almost like eating a story, or poetry. If that makes any sense. I really can lose myself while I'm cooking Indian food.

Which is kind of what I need right now. To lose myself, but in a healthy way.

retail therapy

Help! I am, as my father-in-law would say, "in the debtor's prison"! He he! I love saying that and use that little phrase ever since the first time i heard him say it. The funny thing is, when my father-in-law says it, he's serious! One day, he just called us out of the blue to ask us if we were "in the debtor's prison". Sheesh!

Anyway, back to my transgressions. First up: neccessary $25 haircut turned unneccessary $80 highlights. But i love it! I know in the picture I look mad but i'm really not; i'm extremely happy because for once i feel beautiful. So to me it was totally worth it.
Next up was a trip to Younkers to take back a pair of totally impractical shoes. See, I was trying to be good. Buut I had it in the back of my mind that I "needed" this body glitter brush thingy from victoria's secret, that if i could just have it i would be young and sexy again and all of my dreams would come true; plus i had a $10 off card, so i popped into Vicky's for a second. Well, they were running a beauty promo: buy so much stuff and get this cute little bag full of free stuff. So of course i had to spend a little more. And put it all on my VS card. Debtor's Prison, here i come!
But the makeup i got was so cute; liquid gold eyeliner and gold eyeshadow (please refer to photo at top of post; I couldn't figure out how to drag it down)! I needed something to get me excited for summmer. I know, i shouldn't focus on the outside so much, but when i feel like i look beautiful, the world just seems like a better place.
Even from behind"prison bars".

med changes and mild triggers

Well, i did get in to see my psychiatrist about that whole anger thing i wrote about in my last post. He doesn't think it's the Seroquel. He thinks the most likely culprit is the Topamax, which we increased last month. He wants me to taper off the Topamax, and increase the risperdal.

Here's the really annoying thing. He asked me why i was on topamax in the first place (ok, it's annoying that my doctor doesn't know why he is prescribing my meds apparantly but no, that is not the annoying thing to which i am referring) and i couldn't quite remember. He said that it wasn't proven to be good for Bipolar disorder, and he was going through his notes, and then he said "I think you were on it to lose weight."!
Gggaaaahhh! Are you freaking kidding me? At no point (outside of my own imagination) have i needed to lose weight, or sought medical help for such a problem. Especially not recently! In fact, i had just come from an appointment with the dietitian where we were discussing my overall goal of weigh gain. But of course, as soon as he said that, i thought "I must look like i need to lose weight. I must look fat. Blah blah blah....". Seriously! This guy knows i have an ED, why would he say that to me! What a gomer! Well, I guess he's only human and can make mistakes, but still. He really isn't very involved on the ED front. The reason I see him is because he is one of only two docs in town who do ECT's, so just in case i need the "electrical cure" again he could do it.
In the end, we figured out that i was taking Topamax because a few studies have shown that it is helpful in cases of bulimia. And personally, i kind of like the appetite suppressing qualities, especially since i am taking risperidal and seroquel, bolth of which increase the appetite. So i am a little nervous about going off the topamax and increasing the risperidal. I'm worried i'm going to gain weight out-of-control, and let's face it, my body image isn't so hot already. I think about restricting ALL THE TIME (not acting on it, just thinking about it). I just want to find a way to be happy and not think about food, weight, or my body! If only there was a pill for that...

BTW I HAVEN'T PURGED IN 10 DAYS!

furious

http://www.adrugrecall.com/seroquel/anger.htmlquick quiz:

Let's say you are putting away the dry dishes in your kitchen and you drop a fork. Would you

a. pick up the fork

or

b. SWEAR LOUDLY, KICK A CABINET, PUNCH THE FRIDGE

If you were me lately the answer would, sadly, be "b". I don't know what the deal is, but lately, this really intense anger, rage almost, has taken hold. I walk around feeling like i am about to blow. Constantly. It feels so out of control, so unlike me. Everything my husband says pisses me off and gets on my nerves. Dealing with the kids without losing it is sooo hard. It kind of feels like I have pms times 1000, and its not even that time of the month. I feel waaay overstimulated, with emotions and sensations coming at me all at once, and i get frustrated and want to scream or curl up in a ball and hide.

This happened a few weeks ago, lasted a couple of days, went away, and now it's happening again. I'm not sure what is going on, but i made an appointment with my psychiatrist for tommorrow, because it feels like something chemical is out of whack. Because nothing bad is happening in my life to make me feel this way. I just hope he doesn't want to add any medication, i already take 5 of them, but maybe something needs to be tweaked, like my seroquel could be increased or something. I had to treat myself to a little extra seroquel this morning just to get the rage under control so i could function and not kill anybody.
I feel so ashamed about this. I hate being an angry person. I especially hate being an angry mommy! I don't want to be a mommy who loses her patience and yells or is snappy. I only want to be kind and fun and loving! I am praying that the psychiatrist has some answers for me.
As I was driving in my car this morning thinking about all this stuff, "the Bitch is Back" by Elton John came on the radio. Oh the irony.


EDIT:
after doing some research on the internet, i found this site http://www.adrugrecall.com/seroquel/anger.html, and also some information about how Topamax can cause uncontrollable rage and anger. Great. I depend on these medications to keep me sane. i feel so hopeless right now, like crying. I hope my doc can shed some light on this tommorrow.

T minus 5 days....

....and counting until Emma leaves. Zlatko is picking her up Friday evening, and they are flying out Saturday. For Bosnia. You know, that little war-torn country on the ass-end of Europe. It doesn't help that i recently saw the movie "Taken", in which Liam Niessen's character gets kidnapped by a bunch of Albanian(Bosnian) thugs and sold into the sex trade. 7 years old is too young to get kidnapped for the sex trade, right? It terrifies me that she could just dissappear and i would never see her again. Another thing that i worry about is that in Bosnia there are still land mines from the war that nobody has ever found and once in awhile someone steps on one and gets blown up. It doesn't happen alot, but it happens.

Ok, i just have to remind myself that Zlatko really loves Emma, too, and he wouldn't take her to anywhere dangerous or let anything happen to her. I hope.

But what if the plane crashes?

It's going to be a long 4 weeks.

Emma has been to Bosnia 2 other times. I'm trying to remember how i got through it before. Well, the first time she went, I timed my treatment so i would be inpatient at the Center for Change the whole time she was gone. This was extremely helpful, as there was always a nurse standing at ready with a dose of Xanax or a shot of Haldol for my FFO's (Frequent Freak Outs). And i got to process my fears and anxieties in group. But mostly, i was dealing with my eating disorder issues so much that it was a huge distraction and i didnt constantly worry about Emma.
The second time Emma went to Bosnia is more of a mystery to me. It is a mystery because i have no memory of it. I'm talking about an entire month of Emma being out of the country, and it's a total blank. There is only one probable explanation for this: heavy Xanax use. This would make sense, because i'm sure that I had alot of anxiety over Emma being gone. But it's sad to think that instead of talking about it or trying to use coping skills, i took so much Xanax that i lost memory.
Well, this is now, and i no longer have Xanax as part of my psychopharmceutical arsenal. Which is good, but at the same time, scarry! How will i deal, when those fears overtake me, and i cant get my brain to shut off, and i can't think about anything else. I can pray. I can practice trusting, which is something that I am not so good at. Trusting that everything will be ok, that things will work out. And, in an emergency, i am authorized to take some of my Seroquel as a prn.

Goals for the week: Buy an international phonecard. Take a deep breath.