moving on out

well I will probably not be on here until at least friday cause tomorrow I start packing seriously and moving on friday. My landlords have given us this INSANE list of what all we have to clean and how exactly they want everything cleaned. Has anyone else ever had to remove part of the exhaust fan above the stove and soak it in soapy water as part of their move out cleaning? And then there is my personal favorite- wiping each slat of the miniblinds with a wet washcloth. And we have miniblinds in every room! These people are so anal! All I have to say is I had better get my deposit back!
Well best wishes to you all. See you on the other side!

holy poop!

If you have a weak stomach, this post is not for you.

Ok, so, I am basically just trying to make it through the day without freaking losing it so chris can stay at work. I decided to take the girls out to George Wyth, this nature park on the edge of town. It has a few lakes and playgounds.
So we got to the playground and we were there about 15 minutes when Annie comes running up to me and says "mommy I have to go potty". I look around and there is no bathroom in sight. In fact, I remembered that all of the bathrooms in the park were damaged in the floods and probably not open. I see a large bush halfway accross the field so we head for that. I choose a side that shields us from the road about 3/4 of the way, which is about as good as it's going to get, and help Annie get her pants down. I'm expecting her to pee, but nothing happens, and after a minute we head back to the playground.

5 minutes later Annie is back asking to go potty again, so it's back to the bush. This time after I pull down her pants she stays standing and I'm wondering what she's doing when all of a sudden her face turns red and she makes that noise. Uh-oh. I look up and there is the park ranger driving by, just in time to see Annie drop a massive deuce in the grass! Arrrgh!

Frantically I am wiping Annie's butt with grass and looking around for the ranger but he has moved on, thank goodness! I get her cleaned up as best I can and kind of push the turd under the bush with a leaf (gross) and we get back to the playground.

3 minutes later Annie is back. I get her back to the bush just in time to discover that this time we were too late. She has pooped in her undies. So I take her hand and we turn to go get Emma and I see that Emma is on her way to me.

"mom, i gotta take a dump"

Nice.

But since Emma is almost 8 years old she is NOT going to poo behind a bush in public, thankyouverymuch. She can hold it.

So its time to go home. We head to the car, the girls carrying their waterbottles, and me carrying Annie's undies wrapped in a leaf.

All I have to say is, my girls are regular!

:(

aarrgh I am so stressed out.... the move is really starting to get to me....all around me are boxes and boxes and messes and things that need doing...i spent all morning on the phone with credit card companies going through those stupid never ending phone menues just to change my address....i cant handle the chaos...i also suck at dealing with change...

also- the sh*t is hitting the fan with Emmas dad, or it is about to....she said he's asking her if she wants to live with HIM and see ME on the weekends....I don't know what he's planning....he got her a CELLPHONE this weekend; she's 8 YEARS OLD, come on!!....But he said she needs it because his new girlfriend doesn't want me calling him, like EVER, so now he wants Emma to be the one to call him and arrange the visits and stuff. Well excuse me that is just BS! She is only a child, thats not her job, that is our job, we are the parents! No way am I going to put her in that position! His girlfriend is just going to have to accept that we have a child together and are going to have to talk about matters relating to her care and upbringing, that is just a fact of life. And I'm thinking "great this woman hates me (she doesn't even know me), she is going to be undermining me every step of the way, letting Emma do things that I have said no to, buying her things that I can't afford just to win her over, great.:(:(:(:(

Sorry guys I am complaining so much, it just seems like everything is falling apart. I had so much anxiety today that I had to call chris at work and he had to come home early....I feel so worthless and like such a loser...not only am i unable to work, but today chris was unable to work because of me... maybe i should just give up on my life and go live in a group home...

FREE

It seems like lately I'm spending most of my time just waiting for Chris to get home so I can have some parenting help and adult company. But the problem is, a lot of times he comes home and just wants to take a nap! What gives? Can't a girl get a break? Anyways!

This was the case yesterday afternoon, and i found myself needing to entertain Annie (and myself) when all our options at home were pretty much used already. So we decided to go to the mall for some (almost) free fun.

First we hit Victoria's Secret, where I had a voucher for a free Lacie thong (no I'm not going to put up a picture of these :)). Then we went to Old Navy, where I had a $10 merchandise voucher fo using my ON account. So I got one of those velcro catch games that they had on clearance, and a cute fall shirt for Annie. It all cost me 1.70 after the voucher. Annie had fun coloring a picture in the children's section at Old Navy (free).

Next we went to the indoor playground at the mall. While we were there, I remembered i had a $1 credit at CVS so we went there and I got a diet mt dew, which I shamelessly shared with Annie, cause she asked me so sweetly. Hold on, don't call DHS, I only gave her a few sips.

We looked at the hermit crabs at Coachouse, and i let annie ride a few of the quarter rides. All in all we were entertained for almost an hour and a half, and spent only about $3.00. What a deal!

"body Image nightmare" or "the walk of shame"

ok, so, last night i was experiencing some MAJOR anxiety post-dinner, so I decided to go for a walk before I ended up doing anything I would regret (ahempurgeahem). I started out for my walk and pretty soon noticed that there was something downright disturbing going on. That is, my stomach was sticking out so far that it seemed to be going on ahead of me. Like, as if to announce the arrival of the fatass behind it. I know, I know, you are all rolling your eyes, but i'm serious! I mean if I were to walk into a wall, my stomach would hit the wall a full two seconds before the rest of me did. As in, I look pregnant! Grrr!

And then it got worse! As I walked, the wind started to blow against me, flattening my t-shirt against my stomach and outlining every roll and pooch for all to behold! It was the worst! I had to cut my walk short because I couldn't handle it. I was so embarassed and ashamed.

I came home with new determination to lose weight, but two hours later i somehow found myself on the couch with a bowl of icecream. Which is ok i guess considering my last post about how I'm not going to focus on losing this weight Iv'e gained and so on. And I suppose, as awful as it was, it was probably progress that I was able to feel those feelings last night and resist the urge to throw it all up.

I know that, according to the number on the scale, I'm not overweight. Then why do I look so freaking fat? Or does the height/weight chart simply apply to everyone else but me?

i'm waiting for the recovery fairy to come along and wave a magic wand over my head and say "love yourself" and poof! I will have good body image. But it doesn't seem to be happening. I guess for now i will have to find something else about myself to love besides my looks. Scary.

recommitted

ok, time to get back on the recovery train. Choo Choo! I have been thinking about losing weight lately, which has led to more purging because I was no longer willing to let myself eat what I needed, which has led to more bingeing and purging. Yesterday I restricted all day, which only made me feel weak and stressed out while I was trying to pack. Plus, I almost cancelled my dietitian appointment today because i didn't want to face the decision of whether or not to weigh myself. And I felt like, whats the use anyway, since I have decided to give up on recovery and lose weight?

SO, I did go to the dietitcian, and I DID weigh myself, and found I have gained 2 pounds since 3 weeks ago. But you know what, My weight still wasn't as high as I thought it was. So I was sitting there telling my D all my thoughts that I just wrote here above, and she reminded me that I am going through a stressful time and I was just trying to get some control back by trying to lose weight. She thought i would benefit from some excercise, which I havent been doing lately. And she reminded me that as long as I was purging my weight wouldn,t stabalize, which i already knew.

So since I have left my appointment I have been doing some thinking. I have decided to recommit to recovery. I have not been happy since I have been thinking about losing weight (nor have I lost any weight, so what's the freaking point?). All I have accomplished is increased purging and decreased satisfaction with my body. Plus, I need to be strong and healthy for the move. And lets face it, restricting is just deppressing. All I do when I am restricting is think about food and what I can or can't eat and when I am going to eat next and so on. We are havving sloppy joes tonight and I had been planning to eat only a quarter cup of the meat and no bun and no chips. Or, eat what I wanted but then I would purge. That's no way to live! Why not just give myself permission to eat, like everyone else does!?

So, I am getting back on the horse. No, I do not like my weight. but it will stabalize if I quit messing with it. I am going to eat reasonable portions tonight and not purge. If I feel full, or fat, or guilty, or like freaking out, that will just have to be ok. Because I recognise that If I keep doing what I have been doing, I will just be in the same place I was 5 months ago, starting all over again. Year after year, as has been the pattern the last 14 years.

The only way OUT is THROUGH.
The only way OUT is THROUGH.
The only way OUT is THROUGH.

I am just going to tell myself the samr thing that I would tell any of you if you were struggling. That there is going to be some discomfort. That it will not be fun. But the rewards are long term. It will be worth it.

it rained on us!

In case you are wondering why we are back so soon it's because it rained on us. Boo! I woke up this morning to the rain, so we had breakfast in the tent, and when it stopped raining I packed us up and we hit the road. We are now home, unpacked, showered, laundry is in the washer and dinner is in the crockpot. Go me!
I was dissappointed we didn't get to stay today, but glad we went up early yesterday so we could have fun when the weather was beautiful. We had a really great time!

We roasted marshmallows and hotdogs and did sparklers and all that fun stuff.
Our campsite was beautiful and secluded. In fact we were the only ones there. It made me a little nervous as it was the perfect setting to be axe-murdered by a psychotic woodsman, but that didn't happen.

Emma caught this toad and i gave up my dishwashing bucket so she could keep it for the day.
She named it Goggles.

There is a really tall tower that they used to use for looking out for forest fires (like that ever happens in Iowa). We climbed to the top and my legs are still sore!

Well those are the pics. We also found this neat lille sandbar at the river by our campsite that we waded on and made sandcastles but i didn't have my camera so no pictures. Overall it was a fun time, but I wish Chriss had been there, both for the adult company and the help.

I was really glad I have been doing so well with my eating and weight. It would have sucked if I was too weak and didn't have the stamina to keep up with the girls and haul the gear. Plus it's hard to have a good time when you are starving and obsessed with food and when you are getting your next mouthful. So hooray for camping while in recovery!

i say "in recovery" tenatively because I am still purging (didn't while camping though) sometimes and struggle with body image. I know I have a long way to go. Every day I want to lose weight and have to fight the urge to restrict. Most days I am convinced that I don't have what it takes to stay at this weight and am convinced that sooner or later i will return to my old ways. So for right now I am taking it one day at a time.

Didn't mean to get all negative all of a sudden. I just didn't want to misrepresent where I am in recovery :).

So the next challenge: Moving on the 31st. Yay.

quick post

hey i just wanted to write that I am going camping tomorrow and will definitaly be gone till tues maybe wed if the weather is good and we are having fun. It will be just me and the girls so hopefully everything goes ok and i can get the tent up by myself and all that! I am a little nervous but super excited! This is probably the only camping we will get to do all summer. I don't know how I will survive without the internet for 2-3 days! Oh, and be prepared i will probably be borring you with pictures when I get back! Love you all!

things are looking up

I'm back to feeling better about recovery (and its about time! Holy moley!). I didn't purge all day yesterday! I thought that after having a burger and fries for lunch that I would just not eat the rest of the day to make up for it, but when dinnertime rolled around I was hungry, so I ate a reasonable amount and didn't restrict. Today when i woke up I knew I didn't want to go back on shakes and that I could "do" regular food. I think as long as I can handle regular food I should keep at it.

We had my neighbors over this morning for home made donuts and fruit. Alas, the donut maker that I just bought didn't work with the batter recipie on the side of it's box! It was supposed to drop little rings into the fryer but the batter was so thick it wouldn't come out! I was bent, but just ended up making donut holes and they tasted great.

I think i might just marry my fryer. Seriously. It's just about the funnest, most awesomest thing about my recovery right now! I can't believe that i'm someone who eats fried food and is so comfortable with it in fact that she fries it herself! How cool is that?

My body image is better today, too. Maybe I was retaining water or something. i'm just glad because for a little bit there i was starting to plan to restrict and lose weight. I'm glad i didn't go through with that. I would have just ended up further behind in my recovery. I wonder if my increased meds are starting to work. Because I really do feel different. Like, an increased sense of well-being or something corny like that :).

america's heartland

This is what I have Annie doing so I can blog.

So have you ever heard the word "agribition"? Sounds kind of dirty hehe! I think it is a combination of the words "agriculture" and "exhibition". Anyways, we went to this "agribition" place called Heartland Acres today. It had a bunch of old farm stuff and some old cars and farm animals. Don't worry I wont bore you with too many pictures.

Here's me and my honey sitting on a fake cow. Woo hoo!
This picture is kind of creepy, dont you think?

I I really like this one of Emma. The expression on her face is just perfect!

Well this wasn't the most exciting place we have ever been to, but it beats just sitting at home watching tv.

Well food has been better today so far. I had planned to just go back to only Boost and fruit, but was feeling pretty bad about that decision because it seemed like a huge step back as far as healthy, normal eating goes. But I got up this morning and had a Boost and later some watermelon. The point of the Boost is, I think of it as medicine and don't purge it, so if I am purging alot it helps me to go back to eating only Boost. But it is pretty borring, and not realistic to maintain for very long.

So anyway, I had the boost for breakfast, but by the time we had lunch I was feeling better and more confident. I had packed a Boost so I could have it wherever we were at lunchtime but when we stopped for lunch I was feeling more like real food. We were at McDonalds and I did something very brave (for me). Instead of getting a salad, I got a Big'n'Tasty meal. And ate it. And didn't purge.

I did have some anxiety when I foolishly consulted the calorie guide (shouldn't have done that). But oh well, I had made up my mind that I was not going to purge and I was sticking to it!

I wonder why sometimes i have such a hard time and will even purge something small, and other times I can eat a big ol hamburger with no trouble?

I think even with the recent rockiness I am still doing better than I was a few months ago, when I couldn't eat even one normal sized meal and keep it down. I still think I need to come up with a meal plan, though. I have been giving that lots of thought And I think I wasnt to do some kind of exchange system. Now I just need to figure out how many starches and fruits and proteins ect for each meal and snack. It's just so complicated, my brain gets tired. That's why I keep thinking it would be easier to just stick with the Boost. I want to keep eating "real food" though. To me that's the challenge, but it is a worthy goal, i think.

humph

I went to my dietitian appointment today only to find out that it is next week, not today. Humph! I really needed to talk to her, too. Once again I have found myself in the trenches of bulimia. I have not been very accepting of my weight and my body lately and this unhappiness has manifested itself by increased purging. I am feeling very discouraged. Will I throw up for the rest of my life?

I really feel like I need more structure. My eating has just been so chaotic and haphazard. I need a meal plan to follow, or something like. Mostly I have no idea what I'm going to eat, and then when a mealtime rolls around I make choices that I am uncomfortable with and end up purging. Although lets face it, I am uncomfortable with just about any food in my stomach.

I also hate the way I feel in this body. I hate not being thin. I feel so "normal", so mediocre. I feel invisible. I know i need to find another way to feel special and important besides being scary thin. I just haven't found it yet. Sometimes I feel like there isn't even a "me" without this eating disorder. Double humph.

i am making blueberry pancakes and turkey bacon and cantaloupe for dinner. Pancakes are difficult for me. I vow to anyone who reads this blog that I will eat an "appropriate" amount and not purge. I think can do it for at least one meal. I think thats the best way for me to fight this: one meal at a time.

visit to grandma (and the psychiatrist)

Well I am feeling a little better about things today. I called Servicemaster and scheduled a complete duct and furnace cleaning for the new place to get rid of cat dander. It's going to be $300! Now i wish I hadn't done that trip last weekend but it can't be helped now.
I talked to the new landlords for awhile and they really are nice people. I guess they have to have strict rules or people would be saying all kinds of things to get out of a lease. They ARE going to put in new drapes and of course have the carpets cleaned. So well just see how it goes.

I took the girls to my mom's today. Incidently my mom has a cat, and Annie was playing with it and only got one hive and no itching or runny nose. And we were there for several hours. So I am feeling a little more hopeful that once our new place is sufficiently cleaned and de-catified she will be ok. Anyway, we had a really nice visit with my mom. She is starting radiation for her cancer on friday and is otherwise doing ok.

I saw my psychiatrist tonight and he raised my risperidone and Pristiq. He was also talking about adding Depakote but I nixed that one cause it can cause MAJOR weight gain! Plus I am already on seroquel, which causes weight gain. So, given that my risperidone was raised twice in the last 2 months, and i take it at night along with trazodone and seroquel, I think the fact that I get up in the morning is a major accomplishment. I think we are trying to kill my anxiety by brute force or something.

Things with Chris are a little strained right now. I pretty much feel like I have been dealing with the "Annie allergy crisis" on my own. He gave me the usual "it'll be ok. We'll figure it out" followed by lack of action. There are some other things going on but I don't really want to talk about it on this blog. All I can say is, stress! Please pass the atypical antipsychotics!

Overall I am feeling a little better. Oh, is it just me or is TV getting stupider? ABC's new reality show is called "dating in the dark" and that's all it is! They throw 2 people in a dark room and let them get to know eachother. Riiiggghhht. Oh, and don't get me started on "More to Love".

Oh my I am so stressed out right now! Just got back from Annie's "poke test" at the allergists' and she IS allergic to cats. Like, severely allergic! And this is not good because the apartment we are moving into, that we gave a non-refundable deposit for, has *2* cats living in it right now. The allergist said that even once the cats were out and the carpet is cleaned it will be 4-6 months before the apartment is clear of allergens and dander. What are we going to do? We don't have money for a deposit on a new place, IF we had time to find a new place, which we dont. Ames is nearly 2 hours away, so it's not like we can just go apartment hunting after chris gets of work. And like I said, we don't really haave the money to just lose on that deposit. I called the new landlords and asked if they hadd any units open that didn't have cats in them and they don't. And no, he nicely told me that we couldn't have the deposit back which I kind of expected.
AAAARRRRGGGHHH! Moving is stressful enough! What the crap are we supposed to do?

I was not having a good day already. The stress and anxiety and deppression was there with me when I woke up this morning. It's like being under a black cloud that WON'T GO AWAY! I did make a real effort again and got us out of the house earlier but right now the girls are just plugged into the tv and I am waiting for the seroquel that i chipped off to start working so I can just stop freaking and that is about all I can manage for the moment. Good thing i got the enchilladas we are having for dinner made up earlier so all I have to do now is pop them in the oven.

I feel sososososo fat and uncomfortable in my skin! I haven't purged at all today but was planning to restrict , but then i told myself that no, an apple does not equal lunch and i added a protein bar to it. But that was before Annie's doctor appointment and now i don't want to eat dinner. I don't even want to sit down to the dinner table! I just want to take some more medicine and go to bed and wake up thin!

I was supposed to see my psychiatrist tonight and really needed to talk to him about how my meds don't seem to be working but um he called in sick. Well I did get the appointment rescheduled for tommorrow so I guess it's not a big deal, more of an annoyance really.

I wish I could have a xanax or two. I know I would use them correctly! Actually thats probably not true.

sigh

doing better

Well after a morning of listening to my kids (and ED) whine at me I was about ready to shoot myself in the head but of course I did not. Instead I called around until I found someone with kids who would want to meet me and my girls at a park. So I met up with my friend K at this one school's playground. It was an awesome playground; one of those big wooden ones with turrets and tire swings and secret passages. And K clued me in to the fact that the school system is serving free lunches there for the summer (for kids only) so we stayed and had lunch. Then K was taking her kids swimming, and Emma begged and begged, so even though I hate to swim I caved and we went to the pool. But to my suprise it turned out to be a lot of fun! It wasn't too crowded and the water was nice and warm (one of my big complaints about swimming is that I'm always cold). I took Annie down the water slide over and over and she giggled and laughed the whole time. And Emma found some friends from school so she had plenty of playmates.

Several times i just sat at the edge of the pool and this feeling of well-being and happiness come over me and I was so greatful that the day had turned around. It just goes to show me that if I put myself out there I have the ability to improve my situation for myself and the girls. I just have to make it happen

I was tempted to restrict because the lunches were just for the girls and I told myself it would be a good time to skip lunch. But I ended up grabbing a boost when we stopped home for our swimsuits. So that was ok.
Being in a swimsuit is reallly triggering for me right now. I bought the suit before I gained this weight, and it fits me differently now. I'm paranoid that it doesn't cover my massive booty and my cheeks are hanging out! And I'm constantly comparing myself to other women at the pool. It's hard. i keep telling myself that I will be happier and things will be better if I lose the weight that I gained, but I know that isn't true. Sigh. Sometimes I feel like I'm a 30-year old who is just now learning how to live.

ugh

I am Fat. I am deppressed. I stayed in the shower for an obscenely long time this morning because I didn't want this day to start. I am filled with anxiety. I binged and purged this morning. I really hate myself right now. I want to lose weight. I want to feel better.

Help.

weekend trip pictures

I just wanted to share some pics of out weekend getaway. Above, Annie is kissing Emma in a booth at MaidRite, where we ate dinner friday night. It was really cute, although Emma did not seem to enjoy it!

There was a really cool wooden playground at the hotel, you know, one of those ones that looks like a castle. Here's me and Emma (and my huge gut) taking a swing!

Here's Emma in front of the store at Little Amana. The Amana Colonies are these historic villiages that used to be communes. They were founded by some settlers from Germany and are very quaint. Today they are mostly antiques and specialty stores and german restraunts. Oh, guess what? I finally found a donut cutter, it was in this cute store called the Painted Cupboard.

Here is part of the indoor water park that was at the hotel we stayed at in Little Amana. I got whiplash on one of the waterslides-it was so fast! Well, I haven't been to the doctor so I don't KNOW it is whiplash, but the slide jerked my neck back really hard and now it is really sore and hurts to move it. Maybe I should sue. I'll OWN that hotel!!!

Here's us playing in the pool. La-de-da. I decided not to torture you with any full body shots of me in my tankini. Of course if you are my friend on FB you will probably see them there. If you are not my friend on FB you should be :)

Oh, this was really fun! In Main Amana there is this chocolate shop where, for a couple of bucks, they will give your kid a mini-lesson on dipping chocolate and then let them dip some of their own!

Here's annie and Chris watching Emma dip her chocolate.

Here's Emma dipping...

...and putting on the finishing touches!

This is Annie enjoying her chocolate. I think this was my favorite part of the trip, watching my girls do something fun and hands-on!

Well, that was my trip. I'm thinking it's a good thing slide projectors are out of date. I have a feeling I would be one of those people who would bore people to death showing them slide after slide of my kids and our vacations and stuff. Hope this wasn't too painful for anyone. I had a pretty good time and even though we spent kind of alot of money (eek) this weekend I have to say it was worth it!

Maisey's toilet

k, so I am just waiting for Chris to get home so we can hit the road and i thought I would post something really quick.

The other day when we were at the library i got Annie a Maisey Mouse CD ROM game. So last night we put it in and played it. In the game, you can go to each room in Maisey's house and click on things and they do stuff when you click on them. So we went into Maisey's bathroom and Chris clicked on the toilet and it flushed and Annie started laughing histariclly! She just went nuts! So chris flushed the toilet again and Annie burst out laughing again. So he just kept flushing it over and over and bolth the girls were laughing and even chris and i were smiling cause the girls were so funny. Seriously, Annie was laughing so hard she was crying; tears and all! Over a toilet! I think we flushed that toilet for like 10 minutes straight!

We are a very sophisticated family.

Thanks so much to everyone for all the support on my last post! It really helped me feel better and less like a crappy mom! Even my friend Sylvia who reads this blog but can't comment (i think because she doesn't have a blog of her own but she should get one hint hint) sent me a lovely message on FB that made me feel tons better. I love all of you and am so greatful for your friendship!
As planned, Emma and I went to Backbone today. But instead of the 90 degree day we were promised, it was freezing! I dont even think it made it up to 70! So much for global warming. Emma was brave and got in the creek, and i waded. The water is spring-fed and cooooold! We picnicked on our favorite sandbar (I posted pics of me and chris and me and annie on it awhile back). We explored up and down the creek, and found dozens of these little toads that were no bigger than flies. They were seriously the cutest things I have ever seen!

I really wish I had brought the camera cause we rented a paddle boat which was a blast and wish I had pictures to put up of it. Emma was so excited, it was her first time on a boat. And I think my legs got quite a workout paddling that thing around the lake.

It was nice to have some one on one time with Emma. She wasn't nearly as hyper today, and even when she was it didn't get on my nerves as bad, because we were outside and there was lots of room. Even this evening when we were at home she seemed to do better I think it must be hard for her, to go back and forth all the time and have two homes and parents with two different sets of rules. I need to remember that and cut her some slack.

Tomorrow I am taking the girls to my mom-in-laws so I can do the grocery shopping and cleaning ALONE (and lets be honest-spend some uninterrupted time on the internet). Then I will pick them up and when chris gets off at 1:30 we will be off to the Wasserbahn! I haven't told the girls yet so it will be a suprise. I will take lots of pictures so I will be able to share some when I get back. For some reason my blog only lets me post 5 pictures at a time. Is that normmal?

Have a great weekend everybody!

discouragement

Oh holy crap. Things are not going well at all. I love Emma dearly and am so glad she is home but I have forgotten what a handful she can be. And with no school for her it is just nonstop craziness around here. The girls fight almost constantly. When they are not fighting they are running around the house being wild and crazy. Excuse me, not house, but apartment. As in small apartment.
My nerves are shot. I think I have lost all my marbles. We had to go to Wal-Mart today, and I was the mom yelling at her kids in the middle of the store. In Wal-Mart. So sad.
I have been trying to get the girls outside to run off some of their energy. Yesterday I took then frog catching and berry picking, but they just whined and complained about the bugs and weeds the whole time. You would have thought it was the Battan Death March or something. But we did get enough berries for a pie, and I let the girls help me make the crust, and when I was done there was leftover dough that I let Annie just play with with the rolling pin. She was so cute rolling out her own piece of dough. And I took the girls to story time at the library yesterday and that went well. So I guess there are times when things aren't so bad and crazy.

Being a good parent is extra challenging for me because I just don't have the temperament for it. I was not given the gifts of patience, longsuffering, ect. My "distress tolerance" skills are seriously lacking. Every day I feel like I am on a big scary rollercoaster or having a ten hour panic attack. Some of my sisters-in-law have like 4 kids and babysit other kids on top of it and seem to be doing just fine. I will never be that woman. What comes naturally for some women, I have to work extra hard for.

One thing I am blessed with is an abundance of love for my children. I think this is the only thing keeping me going. My love for the girls is what makes me slow down often throughout the day to pray for patience to get through just one more shopping trip, mealtime, or playdate. It's what helps me sit down and read to the girls when what I really want to do is get on facebook. It's why I got out of bed this morning and made pancakes, instead of sleeping in (but i did go back to bed, though).

My recovery is not going so well lately. Perhaps in response to the stress, I have been purging quite a bit. I have been maintaining my weight though, but not really on purpose. At the store today I was so stressed out I bought a box of jujy fruits. Was it a healthy choice? No. Will I eat the whole box today? Probably.

I do have something to look forward to tommorrow, though. Tomorrow I am taking Annie to my mother in law's and Emma and I are going to spend the whole day together a Backbone park. Swimming, hiking, cave exploring, picnicking, just the two of us. I think she really needs some alone time with me. And the weather is supposed to be nice.

Sorry this post has been so negative. Please, nobody point out the obvious fact that I was waiting so long for Emma to come back and now I am complaining about her. And please, no comments about what a bad, ungreatful mom I am. I already feel it. Great, now I'm almost crying. I feel so ashamed! If you pray, please pray for me that I might rise to the many challenges of being a parent, and be worthy of these precious little ones that God has given me. Love you all.

just a fun day!

Today was the BEST DAY EVER! First of all, Emma came home! Hooray!

Then we went to Fontaina park. It is A nice little park with a live wildlife exhibit (including bears!) and a learning center. Above is Emma at a display in the learning center. Below is a picture of a live snake that I spotted hiding out in the buffalo's beard. How crazy is that?

After checking out the animals, bolth stuffed and live, we threw rocks in the water for awhile and just mucked around.

Here is a crawdad I caught. The girls were very impressed!

Then we built a fire and roasted hotdogs and marshmallows and made smores. I burnt my finger, but other than that it was tons of fun.

Oh, and bolth of my girls were zapped by the electric fence at the deer and buffalo exhibit. It was a little traumatic. But they recovered quickly.

I am so exhausted, but it was totally worth it! Today was a perfect day!

distraction

Ok so obviously I was overreacting. World War III has not broken out overnight (but north Korea did fire six ballistic missiles this morning) and there is no reason Emma shouldn't make it home safely this evening. Still, I am a little nervous and have been trying to stay busy this morning to keep my mind off things. First, I slept really late (and had a dream that I was bleeding to death from my rectum, ewww). Then I took Annie for a stroll in the rain with our umbrellas. She got a new Tinkerbell umbrella for her birthday and wanted to try it out. Then we came back home and played like a gazillion rounds of "dont break the ice", followed by some "don't spill the beans". Then we put on some music and Annie put on a dress up dress and we danced for a little bit. After that, I blew up some baloons and we played that game where you try to keep the baloons in the air, which was lots of fun. Now I am running out of steam; it has been quite the busy morning around here. All fun stuff, though.

Sucks that it is raining; we were going to have a BBQ today. Well, hopefully it will clear up.
Happy 4th of July everyone!

FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW!

oh my gosh I am freaking out! I was just watching the news and they said there is some danger of north korea nuking hawaii this weekend or some crazy crap like that! And all I can think of is Emma is flying home this weekend and I know it is a completely different part of the world but what if something happens and all planes get grounded CRAP CRAP CRAAAAAAP! I know I am catastrophising and it could all be nothing but if there is going to be some kind of crazy war I want Emma home! I just want her HOOOOME! Why did I let her GOOOOO!
I need a XANAX RIGHT NOW too bad I don't have any should I take extra seroquel tonight or just use my so-called skills- I don't know I am shaking the only thing keeping me together is writing in this blog I feel like I want to puke not in an ED way just feel sick.
OK OK hopefully everything will be ok Emma's flight leaves at 7:40 their time I think that is about 12:40 am this morning(tonight) our time so she will hopefully be in the air she gets into frankfrt germany at 2:15 our time sat then flies out for chicago 5:45 am. Ok so now that I have looked at this logically, she will likely be in the air before anything happens, IF it happens. Ok, feeling slightly better. Must remember that me freaking out will not change any of this. I will certainly be praying tonight...anyone else who prays please pray that my Emma gets home safe tomorrow. And pray for this crazy world we are living in, it just seems to be getting worse and worse...and why am I watching a news story about " binkini fireworks" when there is so much more important news going on? GEEEZ!

donut

Chris had the day off today so we got to spend some time together which was nice. This morning we put Annie in the stroller and went for a really long walk. The we bolth ran errands, and I did a little packing and cleaning. Borring stuff.
We went out this afternoon in search of a donut cutter. It's like a cookie cutter in the shape of a circle with a circle in the middle. I want to make raised donuts. Now that I am doing better and allowing myself to eat "fear foods" I am OBSESSED with my deep fat fryer, which had been collecting dust in the closet. Last week I made potato chips and onion rings. I was thinking of having some family over and frying donuts. How fun would that be!
Anyway, we could not find a donut cutter anywhere, not even Bed Bath and Beyond. They even had bamboo toast tongs! But no donut cutter! Whatever...

The reality of the move is starting to set in and i am feeling a little overwhelmed. Our landlords dropped off this list of how exactly they want everything cleaned and holy crap it's going to be alot of work! But my mother in law is going to help me clean, so hopefully it won't be too bad.

I am REALLY excited to see Emma. I even had a dream last night that she was home. Oh, I talked to her today and she said that her grandma threw a big rock at her for no reason and it hit her in the shoulder. She said she started to cry, and her grandma just laughed, and then her grandpa started to comfort her and yelled at her grandma in Bosnian! What the heck is wrong with these people? I guess now I know why Zlatko is such a turd. Emma said that he has been going out all day with his girlfriend (fiancee?) and not coming back until after she is in bed. So Emma has basically been left with her grandparents every day, and they don't speak english! This makes me sad and angry. I just want her home. It is going to be a loooong time before I let her go to Bosnia again, if ever.

Well, thats about it for now. I hope everyone has a happy 4th of july! I know it sounds cheesy, but think about declaring "independence" from your eating disorder, even if only for one day. Yeah that is pretty cheesy. sheesh.

weight blah blah blah

I went raspberry picking today, by myself, along this bike trail. It was pretty nice, the weather was beautiful. Everything was perfect except maybe for the fact that someone had been there before me and picked almost all the ripe berries! Oh, well, I did get some. Not enough for a pie, though, so I think I will just freeze them intil I figure out what to do with them.

Emma is coming home on sunday! Actually she is getting into town on saturday but it will be late, so I wont pick her up until sunday. I tried to find a "welcome home" sign at the party store, but they didn't have any, so I got some poster board and I'm going to make one myself. Probably Annie will help out. I am so excited to see my Emma! Heck, Im just excited for her to be back in our hemisphere! And now our summer can really begin!

I saw my D today, and made my next appointment for 2 weeks from now. It will be my last appointment. I'm not sure if I will find a new D when I move. I guess it will depend on how I am doing. Ok, so we weighed me and I am up a pound and a half since last week. I know that is not much but I am kind of worried about it. I mean, what if I just keep gaining? I talked to Mary (the D) about thhis and she said that even though I am still on the low end of normal BMI wise, it wouldn't hurt to pick a "danger weight", or a weight which i feel is to high and maybe then start a food journal and look at cutting back (if i hit the danger weight). Well, I told her that my danger weight was 5 pounds ago and she just laughed. But that's really how I feel. I couldn't imagine gaining more weight.
It's hard for me to get to a stable, appropriate intake. I have lots of experience restricting, and lots of experience eating to gain weight, but it is hard for me to gauge what I might need to just maintain. To help me out, Mary gave me some sample menus for cetain calorie ranges. I was thrilled to see that diet soda was an option for evey lunch and dinner! I think that was because the menus are mostly for diabetics, though.

I'm feeling really tempted to restrict and lose weight. I'm kind of getting through it by "putting it off". When I really start to think about restricting I tell myself I won't for one more day, and if I still want to restrict tommorrow I can. But I tell myself the same thing tomorrow, too. So that way, I never end up restricting, but still feel like it's an option, which is comforting to me somehow.

Oh, well that's about it for now.

not much going on

hmm, dont really know what to write about today. Still plugging along! I worked out today and got seriously hit on by this one guy, who asked me if I was marrried and told me to tell my husband he was "married to a fine-lookin' woman". It was a compliment, but I also felt kind of inrtuded upon since I was in the middle of working out. I mean, it's the YWCA, for pete's sake. One of the reasons I go there is to avoid friendly-type males. Oh well.
I weighed myself at the Y (even though I had decided to only weigh at my dietitians office) and the weight is about the same. I was kind of relieved to have quit gaining. So maybe this is my natural healthy weight. I guess that would be ok. I mean, it's not unbearable like the weight they put me up to last year when i was in treatment at UIHC. But it's still healthy, and I don't have to restrict and can eat meals with my family and even have treats. I had a take 5 McFlurry last night and it was delicious! I think those are my new favorite food.
Emma is getting back on sunday and I am so excited! I think the month has gone by super-fast.
I am kind of worried about my big move at the end of the month. Historically I do not do well with change. My ED usually siezes it's chance durring an upset and flourishes. I so want to stay on track! This is the best I have ever done in recovery, I think ever! I have certainly weighed more before (my bogus "target weight" at UIHC) but this is the first time I have ever gained weight on my own, willingly (except durring pregnancy), and I have never felt so positive and hopefull about recovery before. I guess part of me feels like I am doing TOO good; that it won't last. But if there is one thing I have learned it is to not worry too much about the future and take things one day at a time.
Well, that is about it for now. I didn't purge all day yesterday and today has been good so far. I feel very calm and peacefull today which is a good thing.
I hope everyone has a good day today and wish you all success as well!